Better Know a Hockey Team

Over the next few weeks, we hope to string together a few team profiles for this year's Stanley Cup "contenders", A) because what else are we supposed to do with our time and B) you need to know this information so that when the Stanley Cup playoffs do start you can enjoy them even more. Next up!


The Phlamers

It's so easy to hate the Flyers. At the same time it is so easy to fear them as well. They are an incredibly balanced squad filled with guys who can knock you out, as well as players that will score on you. In the case of Mike Richards, you have both. They lead the league in penalty in minutes which could suggest a weakness. But at the same time, they lead the league in short-handed goals, meaning that they'll still beat you even when they are a man down.

But there's something that feels illegitimate about the Flyers at the same time. As if they were destined only to play spoiler in the playoffs, and that they don't truly have a shot. The tougher teams tend to be defensive-minded, but the Flyers, on the other hand, score goals, and on the flip side, allow goals... Lots of em. So the Flyers seem to be a contradiction, and as a result, I don't really know what to make of them. Maybe this is where the fear comes from.

Why they are Contenders: Because they score on anyone. Currently, the Flyers have 6 players with over 20 goals scored. By the end of the year they will most likely have 4 players with over 30 goals. Also, they have a very strong record against two of the East's top teams. For some reason they give the Devils fits, and they managed to split the season series with the Bruins 2-2. Perhaps most importantly, the Flyers can and will stand up to any team. They can hit and they can fight, and basically they can just beat you up. In a 7-game series this is a serious advantage and could cause trouble for just about any opponent.

Why Caps fans should be nervous: Because they allow over 32 shots a game on net. I'm guessing that the reason for this is because it seems like more often than not, they're on the penalty kill. Sure they score some shorthanded goals, but come on, this isn't a viable gameplan. "I challenge you to a duel. But before we do this thing, go ahead and chop off one of my hands." Silly bastards. Plus, the Flyers have been less than impressive against some of the playoff locks including the Canadiens and Penguins. So unless the Flyers can keep their elbows down and their hormones in check, then they're just going to open themselves up to a vulnerability that a playoff team cannot afford. Oh, and their goaltending? Meh.

Players to watch:

Mike Richards - There's nothing not to like about the guy. He's primarily a playmaker, but he's also a goal scorer, and especially when shorthanded. Of the Flyers 16 shorthands goals, Richards has 7 of them... SEVEN! I don't even know what to do with that other than to exclaim it. Not only does he make plays, but he's a natural leader on the ice. And he will put you on your ass. In fact, he did it twice to the Bruins the other night. Now only if his team had the same kind of maturity...

Scott Hartnell - You can't miss this asshole, with his long hair, lame viser, and generally disagreeable style of play. He's got over 100 PIMs, but he's still going to get 30 goals and 30 assists this season. Not too shabby for a douchebag. Be sure to keep an eye for this guy around the net. He's got a nose for the goal. And if he doesn't score, he'll be the one throwing jabs with his gloves still on. He'll also be the one flat on his ass after the opposing defenseman has enough of it.

Dan Carcillo - This guy is kind of a badass. He's not much for making plays (3 goals, 10 assists), but he does lead the league in penalty minutes... And by far with 230 (last season, he had over 300, so somehow he has actually cleaned up his act). Typically I would hate a guy like Carcillo but two things prevent me from doing so. He's only 6'0 tall, but will take just about anybody on, and also, he's not a cheap shot artist. He takes people head on and seems to be very casual about his business, never taking anything too personally. And I admire that in a goon.

Clips of the season:

Riley Cote only gets his ass beat


What a Dumbass

MLB Divisional Previews

This week we here at FSD will be bringing you all that you need to know about the upcoming baseball season, division by division. We will tell you how each team will do, how the divisions will shape up, as well as how low Jason Varitek's batting average will drop to this season. Next!

Quietly, this is likely the most competitive division in baseball. (Eat my shit, East divisions). Now, I didn't say the most talent-laden, or the division with the best teams; just the most competitive. You could make a very compelling arguement for any of these five teams either winning the division, or finishing in dead last. What's this all mean? It means NONE of these squads are a sure thing, and each one is loaded with question marks and blind optimism. I don't think quite as linear as my esteemed colleague, so analysis first followed by predicted order of finish. Onward with my best guesses and blatant bias...

Detroit Tigers

Leyland's boys have the "We'll show all you fuckers" motivation factor working in their favor after the utter disappointment of last season. Can the Tigers possibly be THAT shitty again? Maybe. It seems they upgraded offensively behind the plate by adding Gerald Laird, but this team's issue is the pitching staff; both the front and back end. My personal belief is that BonderWoman is toast, while Verlander might not be far behind (thought I do think he gets a little bit of his libido back this season). They switched from one unimposing closer to another in Brandon Lyon, and hey! Lookee here! Joel Zumaya is hurt, and the state of Michigan nods along knowingly. Detroit has some excellent individual pieces and shouldn't be hurtin' for offense, but I don't foresee them putting it altogether, especially with lung cancer staring them all in the face. Though, if Detroit wins the division, it means Miggy Cakes is your AL MVP, and you can write that down.

Chicago White Sox

While the Tigers question whether they're actually as bad as they were last year, the Pale Hose (and their fans) wonder if they're actually as good. Considering the '08 Sox relied almost exclusively on offense through two complete and utter unknowns (Carlos Quentin and The Cuban Missile) while their aging sluggers mired near the Mendoza line, there is obvious skepticism as to whether they can duplicate at least part of that production this year. The departures of True Gold Glover Joe Crede and O-Cab make this team weaker defensively, but they were bad to begin with. Anything the Sox get from Konerko/Thome is gravy, because any measure of success will be heavily predicated on the production of their young guns (throw Josh Fields in with Alexei and Q) and the strength and depth and appetite suppression of the pitching staff. Colon, Jenks and Contreras could out-eat any 3 pitchers from any other team. This team is in the process of a rebirth in the image of Ozzie, and a fresh farm system will probably be asked to contribute this year.

Keep your eye on lefty John Danks. Dude's got a mean-ass mentality, and pitches like his tutor Mark Buerhle; if Mark Buerhle could break 85 on the gun. I say he has a Jon Lester-type ceiling this year. Others laugh at me.

Cleveland Indians

Travis Hafner: juicebag? Or biggest juicebag? Hafner's season was so laughably bad last year that any expectations for a "bounceback" year are equally hilarious. Would Tribe fans be happy with a .240 BA and 30 bombs? Probably, but don't hold your breathe. Sizemore continues to fool folks into believing he's one of those rare leadoff hitters who doesn't hit for average. Then again, it must be tough when your dick is covered with herpes. I'm not at all sure what to make of the Yahoos (Wahoo?), but I'm a skeptic of both Clifford Lee and Carmona. I agree with my colleague that the addition of Mark DeRosa was well-thought out (call him the new Casey Blake?), but if only he could play all those positions at the same time...then maybe Kerry Wood would have less chances to blow a game.

Kansas City Royals

Let's get this out of the way upfront. They Royals are NOT this year's Rays. They also won't finish last. In fact, I even think they'll be "in the hunt", as they say through the All-Star break, giving Steve Phillips a few months of great fodder to sound like an asshole about. There's a good young core in place here with Gordon, Teahen, Butler and Crisp and Gil Meche and Greinke are respectable 1-2. So, assuming Jose Guillen = -10 wins, I'd even venture to say the NuRays finish in sniffing range of .500. If Alex Gordon decides to grow up, they might even be average. I'll promise you this, they'll own the White Sox.

Minnesota Twins

Maybe it's all the basketball on the brain, but the Twinkies remind me a lot of Michigan State. Frequently overlooked, underrated and unknown, but always balanced and good enough to win the division any given year. Gotta respect how Gardenhire does things the vintage way. Steady pitching, impenetrable defense and speed top-to-bottom. This year's version is no different, except the pitching might border more on "hopeful" than "consistent". Big addition Joe Crede fits their defensive model, but he runs like a geriatric. Gotta think their season hinges on Not Johan. If Liriano can be dominant, the rest of the staff should have enough quality starts in them to succeed. If not, or if Mauer's annual bizarre injury is worse this year, the Twins could plummet, and hard.

Keep your eyes on Denard Span and Carlos Gomez. Fast, exciting and triple-machines. As much as I hate the fucking Twins, I'm scared shitless (and jealous) of these two. Things I'm not jealous? Playing baseball inside a garbage bag. Grow up, Humpdome.

Like I said, this party could shake out any number of ways. Here goes nothing:

1. Minnesota Twins

2. Chicago White Sox

3. Detroit Tigers

4. Kansas City Royals

5. Cleveland Indians

MLB Divisional Previews

This week we here at FSD will be bringing you all that you need to know about the upcoming baseball season, division by division. We will tell you how each team will do, how the divisions will shape up, as well as how low Jason Varitek's batting average will drop to this season.

So, let's shun our prideful East Coast bias and start in the center of it all.

First up!

EN EL CENTRO


Considering how bad the Cubs were last year, they really dominated a very good division. For example, I will start with a question: The Cardinals finished 4th in the Central last season, how many games above .500 were they (Could be a trick question...)? But it isn't. 10 games! Can you believe that? In fairness, they did get to pick on the Pirates and Reds very often, and also the Nationals, Giants, and Padres. But still, you're measured by your divisional record, and this speaks very well for the Central. Now if someone could win a playoff series sometime soon, we may even be able to say more.

Still, I can't help but shake the feeling that the NL Central is just the cute division that makes waves during the regular season, can make runs in the playoffs (not lately), and even make the World Series. However, up against just about any American League contender, my money would be on NL representative not winning. The teams seem incomplete, built well enough to win a lot of regular season games, but when it comes to the show, as my man Mr. Plainview once said, they won't be there. Let's prognosticate shall we?

6. Butt (what about the) Pirates?

Your best hitter last year batted .276 (and probably .250 in the second half). You traded away your best hitter, and got small pox blankets in return. Your second best starter's ERA was pushing 5. How did y'all have a better record than the Reds last year? This barely makes any sense.

Good news is that you have some hitters on your team, even though McLouth's decline will continue. Bad news is that your pitching staff is barely something to be optimistic about at this point. Good news is that the average age in the rotation is 27, so the future could be bright. But we all know that if any of them start to look too good, they will be trade to an AL contender. So you got that to look forward to. Here's to one more year of flat out disappointment!

5. Red City Savages

These poor bastards. You know they are going to be terrible again this year. Who the hell is going to hit the ball for this team? Their second baseman? Johnny Gomes? Jay Bruce will surely hit, but will it even be picked up on radar? Forgive my skepticism, but they currently have catcher making 7.5 million who's a lifetime .250 hitter. The pitching staff is actually intriguing. They are young and potentially devastating. Arroyo has been serviceable at the least. Volquez had a tremendous '08, but I actually anticipate Cueto having the better year (call it a hunch). Big question mark is Harang. Can he throw it over the plate this year?

Never fear Reds fans, you picked up Micah Owings last year, so even if he can't fill the 5th-spot in the rotation, he will still be able to lead your team in homers this year... Probably with 15.

4. Brew... Crew...

So sadly, or not so sadly, the Ben Sheets era has come to a close in Miltown. The vernal cocktease has finally departed and now the Brewers can actually proceed instead of sitting in the expectational waiting room... symbolically speaking. Oh and they also got rid of Garbage-time Gagne, so their baggage just got even lighter. It should also be noted that the team did pick up the pace dramatically after Yost was fired... Will the good feelings carry over for Coach Sveum?

The Brewers strength comes from their bats. Braun, Fielders, Hart, Hardy. However, none of these guys manage to hit on a very consistent basis, therefore they never have baserunners to drive in. The Brew did sign Mike Lamb in the off-season, who while not a huge on-base guy, will certainly bolster the lineup. But regardless, the Brewers are going to need guys like Weeks and Hart on-base if they want to be able to outscore their opponents. Because looking at their pitching staff, even with the return of a healthy Gallardo, the loss of CC and Sheets will be noticeable, and the rest of the staff doesn't necessarily strike fear into the hearts of opposing hitters. Brewers are missing a few pieces, and they are pretty fucking big. This causes them to slip this year, and pretty dramatically.

3. Pride of Misery

Somehow, and every year, the Cardinals gather together some mediocre to semi-above average hitters and whites, tallest pitchers that can be found and still manage to be competitive. And it's frigging annoying. You figure that one year, the narcoleptic coach would slip up, bat Pujols 8th, a David Eckstein third, and decide to let Ankiel take the hill once again. Sadly, this has not happened... yet.

The Cardinals didn't have the juice to make a playoff run but to be fair, they had some injury issues. Both Carpenter and Wainwright missed significant time with various ailments (Carpenter? Hurt? Weird...). But still, Senor Pujols was able to carry them to respectability, and on one leg. However, I am seeing similar result this year for the Cards as the last. Competitive, hovering around .500, and not much else. This team had to do better than Khalil Greene this off-season, and they didn't. Still, you got a sweet new stadium down there Cards fans... Enjoy that?

2. Stroh's

Quick, what team does power-hitting, soft-throwing Mike Hampton now play for? I mean, if the Colorado Rockies are picking up the tab then why not, right? I say because the guy is a broken- down chump, but I don't make the calls around here.

So why the Astros over the Cardinals? Not much really, except that the Astros have a few decent hitters instead of just one. If Berkman and Lee can stay healthy, then their offense is dangerous. And because Tejada is old, the MLB has to let him use HGH, by law... So that can only help. Pitching seems to be a problem in that they only have one of them, but when has that ever stopped a National League team from doing damage (*cough* Phillies)? Plus, if Michael Bourn can get on base a little more than last year, and Towles can, well, not suck like he did last year, then the Astros might not even face a challenge for runner-up in the division...

1. Bullshit, Bullshit Bears!

Far and away the Cubs were the most active team in the off-season, luring potential losers from other teams with the promise of continued failure, constant disappointment, albeit with "media darling" status all but guaranteed. Losers like Kevin Gregg and Aaron Heilman. And CRAZY losers like Milton Bradley. And if you looked at their expected rotation, one might feel the inclination to be impressed; Zambrano, Harden, Dempster, Lilly, Heilman/Gaudin. And then their bullpen would only confirm this tendency; Marmol, Gaudin/Heilman, Gregg, Samardizimajig. Impressive, if they weren't all destined to fail miserably.

Biggest question for the Cubs, aside from when or where they will eventually affirm their loser status, is will they be able to fill the ENORMOUS hole left in their lineup with the departure of Mark DeRosa? I wish I were kidding, but this guy was the glue that kept this doomed ship afloat. If Maniac Milton can pick up some of the offensive slack, and Fukudome can hit for longer than one month in a season, then the Cubs offense could be quite the force. Not a strong enough force to overcome their propensity for disappointment, but a force nonetheless. Either way, they run away with the division, and then lose again in the playoffs. This time... Let's say the NLCS.

Elite Eight Blogrrhea.

Sunday, 1:34 PM, pac-sun time

The Derrick Rose's just stayed hot and beat the Pacers and I've got Elite Eight action coming up for you.


First up!


Thabeet your Meat

vs.

King of Zaire


followed by a Big East battle in Boston:


Levanskee Fields

vs.

Clitorial Stimulation in a Suit


And because you deserve it America, I'll be providing occasional, random and interconnected thoughts, theories and squirts. Whoops, tip off.

• The first 2 minutes of this game are just screaming Huskies by 17. Totally unintimidated by the press. I know it's early, but +5.5 is feeling heavy right now.

14:11 left in the 1st quarter : So I'm going to try to make these spurts more sparse, but more meaty. Like a good chili. Missouri still looks pissy on offense, but their press and their active effin hands are causing UCONN trouble. Seems like in every game, UCONN gets a comfortable lead early, and then sort of flounders offensively the rest of the game with bad shot selection. Mizzou just needs to be able to score on consecutive possessions. I'm convinced that's the way to beat UCONN. Oh and make Thabeet's unathletic ass foul you a lot.

3:56 in the 1st: Mizzou is on the Purdue career path. Their sphincters get tight every time they get to within 3 points. Thabeet's done for the half with 2 hacks, so NOW'S the time for the Lygers to get hot and take the lead. For their psyche more than anything. Oh, and from this point forward, Stanley Robinson = Deebo.

HALFTIME: The last 50 seconds of that half could be huge. I'm mad impressed with AJ Price. Dude plays with some balls and heart, and loves hitting the big shot. All without looking like a fat slob in the process (yeah, I'm talking to you Mama Fields). Missouri has a chance in this game, they just need to find the confidence to not stall out on offense everytime they get a whiff of the Huskie's ass-side. The 40 Minutes of Hell is working, UCONN's already at their season average for turnovers. My conspiracy theory? UCONN is better in this game with ThaMeatBeater on the bench. Just keep it in mind.

17:02 left in the second half : Walker, the dirty frosh point from UCONN, just went from the top of the 3-point arc to a layup...without dribbling. I counted 3 full steps. And Jay Bilas is busy dissecting UCONN's rebounding strategy in as dry a voice as possible.

• Dick Enberg is having a rough go of it today. Been giving the wrong score, missing calls, calling phantom fouls. A few too many Tom Collins' for ole Dick last night methinks. And here goes Mizzou, cockteasing us all again.

13:29: MIZZOU takes their first lead of the game. Shocking since UCONN is 1 for 12 from the field this half. Thabeet's on the bench with 3, Calhoun's turning red, and the Huskies just put up back-to-back air balls. The crowd in Glendale (reppin') is absolutely pro-Missouri. Deebo is absent this half.

• Ridiculous alley-oop attempt. Be ashamed of yourself.

11:55: This got real awesome, real fast. Tied at 52, and Missouri with all the mo', eating all da hog maws.

10:59: Deebo heard me. Just threw down 2 swats on the same possession.

9:26: UConn is BEGGING Missouri to take a lead. Missouri declines the offer.

5:46: Uconn is running on fumes, but using their beef to keep the Tigers juuuuust at arm's length. Until that little 4 point spurt. Still 2 possessions.

1:53: Back to back baskets by Walker (controlling the end of the game) and Safford, each that can only be described as (dare I say?) clutch.

1:02: Once again, after a Price basket, Missouri's lack of assertiveness on offense kills 'em. Down 5, UCONN at the line and by spread in serious jeopardy.

0:50: Shitty.

8 seconds: a "for gambling purposes only" 3 by King Zaire puts Missouri down 5! A steal or a missed Husky free throw, and I might back into some cabbage yet.

0.0: ............................................. I mean...........fuck off, Zaire Taylor. That was a gimme lay-up to beat the spread. Dude bet on the game, I swear it.

---

This shit's more time-consuming than I thought. I'm gonna lick my bettor's wounds after that and try to enjoy this 2nd game for what it is.

The Art of Elitism

Not so sweet sixteen is in the books. We had one good game, one sloppy but close game, and then a series of blow outs. Or maybe I'm just disappointed in the lack of clarity in my crystal ball. Or, the fact that there is still one team remaining from the Big Ten. Either way, if we crawl through this shit in order to get to a nice, entertaining Elite 8, then it was all worth it. Hansbrough v. Griffin, a Big East brawl, Pitino v. Izzo, and Uconn-Mizzou... shoot, I don't even know what to make of that one yet. But one thing is for sure, my pubes are timmed, my balls are shaved, and I'm ready to rock this shit.

Oh! And I'll be LIVE drinking from TD BankNorth Garden tomorrow night for Pitt-Nova. Just look for the guy with the HUGE grin and SLIGHT erection in the upper deck. Wait, strike that. Reverse it.

Enjoy the show, y'all.

Conscientious Objections with Benny DC

Every month or so we will be receiving a contribution from my friend and fellow bleeding heart, Benny DC. He'll be acting as the angel on your shoulder, questioning your moral character, the import of your actions, and generally just pissing you off. However, we here at Five Second Delay feel the need to provide contrasting opinions, so long as we get to decide when and how that opinion is transmitted. Do it to us, Benny:
---
NCAA, Emcee Double Schmay

Alright. I still think you all are a waste of space, but I like your pictures.

I want to say this, about the most "betted-upon" sporting series in all of athletics: how do you sporty folk get me to buy into your damn pool every single time? And its not just me . . . last week a young women, new to our office, came to me for help filling in her bracket because she wasn't familiar with the concept of a single elimination tournament. Your sway rules over even the most unitiated these weeks.

It seems odd that college basketball should be the event that encourages such widespread participation. While the structure of the tournament itself is undeniably exciting, only the most sports-initiated know the players, and pretty much only alumni care who wins. People love those mascots, but its probably a fetish. And everyone praises how these kids are playing for the love of the game, rather than the money, but let's get serious - they are playing for the money.

So while you guys keep shoveling me the same B.S. that "Awwww, man, anyone can win this thing" to buy into your pool - I really don't believe that. Come 2010, you're not getting my 5 bucks and I'm not even entering a bracket. Even if some-chick-your-buddy-was-
dating-who-picked-teams-based-on-which-teams-had-the-prettier- colors won last year.

P.S. I can't follow your cheeky insider NCAA discussion even a little bit. Seriously, are you even trying to cultivate a readership?
---
Thanks again, Benny. You're money is always good around here. But who the shit let you in for just $5? I will be collecting the other $45 very soon. Expect a visit from a rather disagreeable fellow in the near future. Until next time.

SWEET SICKNESS

So, welcome BACK to our sick, sick world. First two rounds pretty much went by the books, but remember who told you to take Western Kentucky, Wisconsin, and Cleveland State, but also to avoid Temple, Mississippi State, and Portland St. And fuck Arizona. They still shouldn't be in the tournament. At this point, upsets are pretty much out of the equation. Considering the lack of lower-seeds remaining, and based on the constant flux at the top of the rankings this year, it seems that anything is really possible, and that is all right by this mother fucker right here. So, let's get this shit show on the road. Sweet Sixteen y'all! Here it go:

Heartland

1 Kaiser Sosa

12 Desert Hillbillies


3 Selfish Bastards

2 Izzopentoanal


Mild Mild West


1 Like Oden, but Worse

5 Marijajuana


3 Tiller the Hun

2 Return of the Mack


Big East


1 Young's Guns

4 Cincinnapi-Headed Hoes


3 Reverend J. Wright

2 White Devils


Southie Dude


1 Duke West

4 Zig Zags


3 Devendork

2 Charlie Brown and the Peanuts


Upset specials:

Are we serious? The only real potential upset in this case would be Arizona over Louisville. Since you already know our feelings on them, we should continue no further. So instead, a few of us from the team are just gonna pick the winners. Here it go:

B. Lee:

Villains

B Jays

Purdudes

Cali Fornicators

Pitt Stain Balls

Ova N' Ova

Yeahhh Royyyy

Griffters

Favorite game aside from the one where Duke loses: Pitt - Xavier

Deucedeuce:

King Louis VILL over Future Lottery Bustinger

I.Z.Z.O over Self-Denial

Boiler Room Brawl over the Cheaters (and really, get fucked Calhoun. Slimebag.)

DeJuan's Dumpster Babies over Jesuitkateers

Dante's Inferno over Ratface, ScheyerFace, SinglerBalls and the rest.

I Don't Really Like Light Blue Shirts over Abba Zagga, you my only friend.

Mulatto Caveman over the Orangina

Favorite game aside from the one where Duke loses: Memphis vs. Missoura. That shit's gonna be a dogfight at a frenetic pace, y'all. Belie-dat. I picked the Tigers...but I'll be rooting for the TIGERS, if you get my shit. 40 Minutes of Hell won me my first ever bracket pool. Do it to 'em, Mizzou.

Living Unsustainably and Other Moronic Ventures

Sincerest apologies for the lack of content over the last few days, even though we dropped some straight gold on you with the opening (2) rounds of The Sickness. The rest of the gang and myself goose-stepped on down to SXSW for a good ol' 5 day trip to bendertown. I wish I could say that the picture above does not represent an actual incident on the trip...

One thing is for certain, our last five days were better than yours.

Except for yesterday. My day was absolutely worse than yours, and I didn't even go to work.

More Sickness is on the way for tomorrow... I promise

SOUTH SICKNESS

So, welcome to our sick, sick world. For those of you not already informed about our NFL Spreadsheet, then you are in for a treat. I guess the closest thing that one could compare this to is a crossword puzzle. An oft-filthy, offensive crossword puzzle, that you love. We provide the hints, you figure out who we're talking about, and then you pick the winner.

GOIN' DOWN SOUTH


So my Tarheel buddy, claims right off the bat this morning that UNC once again got screwed by being put into the toughest conference. I shot back by telling him that nothing could be further from the truth. After all, they did get to play in the ACC this year... zing! But honestly, unless you are in the bottom half of this region. Illinois? Gonzaga? Forgive me if these two teams do not derail me from sending UNC directly to the Elite 8. However, if you're an Oklahoma fan? Might hold off on those travel plans to Memphis. And once again, an astounding 8-9 match up... I am letting Illinois know that they are on notice. Could be the 5-12 upset lock.



1 Psycho Tease

16 Flohr D'Oeurves


8 Tasminian Devils

9 Mr. Belvedere


5 Annoising Coach

12 Slaughterhouse 5


4 Northwest Nuggets

13 Bron Kron


6 STD U.

11 Lloyd Christmas Limo Service


3 Q's

14 Stone Cold Stunners


7 Booker T

10 Big Blew


2 Austin's Johnson

15 Holmes Schooled

Upset special:

Slaughterhouse over The Nois... Just be careful is all

Upset to avoid:

Lloyd Christmas over STD's... When did the A-10 start carrying so much weight again?

WEST SICKNESS

So, welcome to our sick, sick world. For those of you not already informed about our NFL Spreadsheet, then you are in for a treat. I guess the closest thing that one could compare this to is a crossword puzzle. An oft-filthy, offensive crossword puzzle, that you love. We provide the hints, you figure out who we're talking about, and then you pick the winner.


LEFT COAST


West Region feels like leftovers to me. Not sure if I feel that way simply because it's the final region to be covered, or because it's really the case. You have the good team from the shitty conference, the good team from the great conference, the supposed winner of the overrated conference, the runner-ups out west and down south, and a team that looked really good, until they lost 5 of their last 6 games. Fillers include Cal and Marlyand... zzzz.... Oh, and the Mormon community is well-represented via two potential cinderellas. Oops, do they not celebrate March Madness? Anyway, I never thought Utah St. could cause such a potential disturbance, but consider yourself warned. And how will baby Durant fair against the hometown sweethearts? Just one question to ponder when considering this unquestionably weird region.


1 Coach Calpoontang

16 John Mox


8 Come Hard

9 Free Darko


5 Fake Chicken

12 Koch 'n O'Rear


4 Zeke!

13 Baby K Du


6 Warriors

11 Pooh Dogs


3 The Lygers

14 Big Ginger


7 Seeley Dan

10 General Grievis


2 Bull Dozier

15 DJ Gay and the Elephant Walkers


Upset special:

Pooh Dogs over Warriors... but let's hope it doesn't come to that

Upset to avoid:

Baby K Du over Zeke!... Too obvious

EAST SICKNESS

So, welcome to our sick, sick world. For those of you not already informed about our NFL Spreadsheet, then you are in for a treat. I guess the closest thing that one could compare this to is a crossword puzzle. An oft-filthy, offensive crossword puzzle, that you love. We provide the hints, you figure out who we're talking about, and then you pick the winner.

MOVIN' ON UP

I consider this to be the best region in this year's pool. Not only are the top 2 teams legit, but so are 3, 5, and 6. No offense meant to Xavier, but you can't win your own crappy tournament? Plus they jammed a bunch of semi to not-so-deserving BIG 10 and BIG 12 teams into this bracket, just to make it as unpredictable as possible. So at worst, this is the most watched region. At best, it's a bloodbath and that's what we look for during March. Look at that 8-9 matchup?! Goodness. Whoever comes out of this region maybe worse for wear. But I'll tell you what, this is definitely Pitt's style.


1 Wanamakercum

16 ManPigRam


8 Obi Wan

9 Shooting Chism


5 Fucked Stiff University

12 My main man, Pat BOHANNON!


4 Mouseketeers

13 Viking It Out


6 He Must Break You

11 The Larry Sanders Show


3 Supernova

14 Hulk Hogan U.


7 Mr. Dogus

10 Shamalama Ding Dong


2 Blue Angels

15 Nitrous Binghies

Upset special:

Bohannon over FSU... only because it would be wicked stupid if it happened

Upset to avoid:

Vikes over Mouseketeers... No way

MIDWEST SICKNESS

So, welcome to our sick, sick world. For those of you not already informed about our NFL Spreadsheet, then you are in for a treat. I guess the closest thing that one could compare this to is a crossword puzzle. An oft-filthy, offensive crossword puzzle, that you love. We provide the hints, you figure out who we're talking about, and then you pick the winner.

REAL AMERICA


Definitely looks to be on the weaker side of things. We got Louisville, Michigan St, and let's see... That's about it. Kansas has looked downright pedestrian recently. West Virginia wasn't even good until about 3 days ago, and Wake Forest, I don't know, I just do not trust them right now. BC vs. USC maybe one of the most laughable first-round games of all time. Nice combined 23 losses, you jerks. Potential sleepers here? Ahm... No, thank you. But, I would watch out for Cleveland St in the first round. I want to like Wake, but they have some bad losses that don't sit well. Siena? Anyone?

1 Former Celtics Great _

16 Please be Morehead...


8 Suckeyes

9 Ubiles.net


5 Drca Drca Muhammed Jihad

12 Lute's Ladies


4 Fake Plastic Trees

13 Steam City State


6 Huggy Bear

11 Radio Flyers


3 Sherron Jeremy

14 Fargo Rock City


7 Mr. October

10 The Rise of Taj


2 Izzoverrated

15 Rob Roblaw

Upset special:

Steam City over the Fakers... Yuh heard?

Upset to avoid:

Lute over Drca Drca... They have no business being in the tourney

Kiss Me... I'm Herpish

Happy St. Patty's Day y'all. Just a reminder to keep it civil, and most importantly, keep it safe.

I know sometimes things can get a bit freaky when the juice be flowin. But you gotta keep your head.

Man, one time I was in Chinatown Chitown, we were tappin that ol' McGillicuddy's pretty hard, and then shit just got wild. Couple Saigon kittens walk through the door... I don't know, people tell me that since then, I just don't look the same. I can't really be sure what they're talking about, but I ain't worried about it.

So saddle up girl and gimme a kiss, after all, it is St. Patty's, and I'm Herpish.

***UPDATE***

We'll be dropping the "SICKNESS" on you shortly, we just got some formatting issues that we are dealing with. We promise that you will love it, warts and all. The festivities had there way with me yesterday, so please be patient with me. I first picked up a bracket this morning, and I'm still trying to figure out how the shit Wisconsin made it into the tournament... They don't belong. They play a real boring style of basketball, oh and they have 12 losses, but since the Big 10 gets respect for some reason, they made it in. Whatever, there are other transgressions made as well, but what are you gonna do? I've seen what happens when people get a little too high and mighty, speaking incredulously about these decisions, so I'll cool it down. At least, Wisco will provide some fodder for the first first round or two of the "Sickness". And that being said, I think they may be in the toughest bracket. Nova, UCLA, Duke, Pitt, Tennessee, Texas, FSU, Xavier.. Ain't no joke.

Or should we call it the "Ides of Illness?" Hmmm...

Anyway, I got a whole bunch of game film to be pour threw over the next few days leading up to Wednesday's "play-in" game, so I'm going to get on that. Shooting for a perfect bracket this time through. I'll let you know.

Stay tuned, all ye faithful.

Why Hockey is Better than Your Favorite Sport

Precision.

Fast breaks occur in basketball quite frequently. Whether it be a single point guard all alone at the other end of the court, or it could even be a 2-on-1 break where the ball handler needs to decide whether or not to pass the ball, and if so, when. Typically these fast breaks end up putting points on the board one way or another. Sometimes, we can even be amazed with the result.

However, in basketball, there is so much room for error. If you have possession of the ball, even if the fast break fails, you can pull it back and still put points on the board. In hockey, this is simply not the case. Either you score now, or at best you hope to maintain possession of the puck. At worst, you allow a break in the other direction. There is no room for error. You either strike at the perfect moment, or the opportunity passes you by.

For example, at around the 45 second mark of the clip, you will see what I am talking about:



You won't ever get something so fleeting, so precise in basketball. Mainly, because such precision isn't necessary. And this is why hockey is better than your favorite sport.... If your favorite sport happens to be basketball.

Dear Mr. Fantasy,

Give us some sweet, hilarious, crude names to use in our Yahoo! Fantasy baseball leagues...

You got it, children!

• Gun Showalter
• Sexson Drugs
• Honey Nut Ichiros (D Friv)
• Lincecum Lately
• Lincecum Quickly
• Tower of Mauer
• Young Sonnanstine
• Joba the Hut
• Schilling Me Softly (D Friv)
• Soto Popinski
• Sugar Freel
• Freel Willy
• Ugglasfuck
• Theriot Squad
• Sucart Escort Service
• Optimus Primobalan
• The Huff Brets
• Wake n’ Bakefield
• Matsuicide Squeeze
• Rolen Doobies
• Wells’ Bells
• onehitters
• Francouerphobia
• Guns Gibbons
• Rocky Poppin Cherries
• Rocky Cherry-Poppin
• Wily Mo Hum
• Buehrle Legal
• Free Garko
• Pronk’s Adventures
• Gold Bonderman
• Bondermania
• Brandon’s Minge
• Ingevitis
• Roid Papi
• Chuck Kockblauch (D Friv)
• Catcher in the eye
• Pitcher w/ a glass cock
• Field of Creams
• Papi Razzi
• J Bay City Rollers
• Life Begins at the Hawpe
• Dempster Butt
• Funky Cold Mussinas (D Friv)
• Rocket's Juice
• Harden Fast
• A League of their Moan
• Salsa Valverde
• Hampton's Millions
• Grandpa Tejada
• Los Leethal
• Hunter Pence None the Richer
• Maholm Schooled
• Snell that Snell
• Snell the Roses
• Doumit to me
• Laroche Clips
• DiFelice Brothers
• Looper Fiasco
• Parra Balls
• Llamado Gallardo
• My Two Vlads
• Vlad Men
• Upper Cust
• Iwo Johjima
• Helton Skelton
• Billingsley Softly
• Loney Tunes
• Furcalifornication
• Barrels of Ethier
• Prior's Pussy
• Prolonging Prior
• Sacrifice Cunt
• Matt CoCain Train
• Emansky's Essentials
• Penny's Arcade
• Lugo Away
• Indebted to Dykstra
• Potluck Kruk
• Rape, Rob, and Milledge
• Boofballs
• Hawped up
• Papi Seeds
• Petitte Coat Junction
• Marcum Zero
• Hits from the Wang
• Milledgedly
• Nerf Turnbow and Arrow
• Strawberry's Septum
• Oil Can Roid
• Roids cause Rrhoids
• Bonds on Bonds on Roids
• Cocks and Bonds
• Millionaire Welfare
• Madonna's Migrants
• 9 More Years
• Karma Suture
• Curse of the Giambino
• Pavano's Ponsi Scheme
• Silent Bunt Deadly
• Manny Packs
• Swingin Nix
• Paranoid A-Roid
• Ethier Binge
• Explosive Renteria
• Melky White Substances
• None Loiaza
• Bonser Scheme
• Mike Lamb Chops Play-a-Long
• Field of Wet Dreams
• Olney the Strong

Special thanks to my man, D. Friv for making a guest appearance and helping us out.

My personal favorites are Nerf Turnbow and Arrow, Iwo Johjima, and Ugglasfuck, but only because I'm a big fan of children's toys, atrocities, and cursing. Feel free to throw any others you can think of into the comments section. Fantasy!

God Bless You, Mr. Rosewater

Via Awful Announcing...

So it appears that CBS has WISELY chosen to once again pair Gus Johnson and Len Elmore is less for the NCAA Tournament. Not many people care much for Mr. Elmore, but after the same pair broadcast a Kansas game from last year's tournament and Len busted out the "Sasha. Sasha Kaun" line, it pretty much cemented him as one of my favorites. Sure it was obvious, but imagine Billy Packer saying the same thing? It just wouldn't have had the same flare. And plus, I will listen to just about anything Gus Johnson chooses to broadcast. HBO, Can we get Gus into boxing please?

Some may charge that CBS is clearly violating some kind of Affirmative Action law by putting these two employees on the same team, but honestly, this is the clearly the most effective use of their resources possible.

Is the Madness upon us yet?

[Awful Announcing]

Better Know A Hockey Team

Over the next few weeks, we hope to string together a few team profiles for this year's Stanley Cup "contenders", A) because what else are we supposed to do with our time and B) you need to know this information so that when the Stanley Cup playoffs do start you can enjoy them even more. Next up!


Team Ovechkin

The Washington Capitals have to be considered a serious contender for this year's Stanley Cup not only because the Bruins are floundering at the worst possible time, but because of the sheer firepower that this team brings to the table. They're like a mature Blackhawks team, that can score at anytime, but doesn't have any letup. The Caps appear to have adopted the Red Wings model that seems to have been so successful over the years. Young scorers (OV and Semin), crafty verterans (Nylander), and lots of Russians (Kozlov and Federov). Seems to be working out pretty well for them so far.

This year the Caps are in a similar spot to last year. Currently slotted as the third-seed in the Eastern Conference, with lots of goals scored and lots of goals allowed. However, this year the everyone on the team seems to be a little hungrier. Maybe it's because everyone is a little older, maybe it's because everyone is starting to believe that Ovechkin is 'The One.' Who the fuck knows, but I hardly doubt this team loses in the first-round once again.

Why they are Contenders: The Capitals are a pure offensive force. Plain and simple. They put up numbers, and their Power Play is devastating (24.4% of the time, they score). Also, these guys have been playing together for a while since, apparently, no one drafts like the Capitals do. The team's top 4 scorers were ALL drafted by the Capitals. This is impressive considering how often the players are traded before they even make it to the show. However, it also means a lot in terms of team chemistry, which the Capitals appear to have plenty of.

Why Caps fans should be nervous: Because they're pretty bad pathetic on the penality-kill. Teams score every 5th power play against the Caps, and in the playoffs this is considerable. Also, one had to wonder about the team's durability against bigger and stronger "finesse" teams in the playoffs. While the Capitals have had success against teams like the Bruins and the Devils, they have struggled against the Flyers, a team that Caps' fans might recall from last season. Also, I don't think anyone can be in love with this team's goaltending, with GA averages being up close to 3, when better hope the Caps can find some stout defense come playoff time.

Players to watch:

Alexander Semin - He's only 21 years old, but he's already better at hockey than you have ever been anything. He gets goals and assists, and puts it in the net on about every 5th shot. If this young man can stay fresh for the playoffs, then he has the potential to cause defense lots of problems... Not that they didn't already have them with that other guy always being on the ice.

Mike Green - Another young stud, Mike Green leads all defensemen in points scrored this season. Watching him while on the ice, one might forget that he's a defesenmen, seeing as he is not overly large, and mainly because of the way he handles the puck and continuously attacks the net. However, what will determine the fate of the Capitals is whether or not Mike Green can get the puck out if his own end, rather than putting in the back of the net at the other end.

That Other Guy - You can't miss him. Oh and by the way, he has over 400 shots this season... 400! Just thought I would say it again. He's the best player in hockey and will be for a long time. And unlike Gretzky, this guy can take care of himself. He's faster than everyone, and probably stronger than most. And I hate him for it.

Clips of the season:

This guy can't even be stopped in his own end:

A boon for all pre-existing stereotypes: