A GEM of a Music Venue

So I walk into this place, and I have a look around.  Technically, it's an "arts" studio.  Now who the fuck knows what that term means these days?  And when you are headed to an arts studio in order to see a band, well then things become even more muddled.  I see people walking around with bottles of beer.  And I'm not talking Bud Lights.  I'm talking real beer.  Heady beer.  Whatever.  The fact that there are alcoholic beverages present is a welcomed development.

Okay, so how do I get my hands wrapped around one of them?

Hey man, where'd you get that beer?

My cooler.

Ahm... What?

You can...

You mean...

I gotta get to the fucking liquor store.

Oh my goodness.  THIS PLACE IS BYOFB?!?

Go on...

THE SHEET®: Week 3 Results

Jables must be on the juice or something.  And this competence will not stand, man.  I mean you go out and don't even finish THE SHEET® until 10 minutes before kick-off and then have the nerve to pull down a 12-4 record?  Pretty queer.

But not nearly as queer as your entries:


Panthers?

Colts?

Already one of the rules of THE SHEET® has been broken and this RECKLESSNESS WILL NOT STAND, MAN!  I'm about to go all Goodell-style on y'all if this negligence continues, handing out suspensions and fines with the casual douchiness of a Massachusetts State Trooper.

b. Lee and Deucey are shooting Arthur Blanks at the moment, but that should change soon, at least for one of us. Ginge still has red hair even if he has one victory under his belt.  So he's got that to contend with, and for the rest of his life.

Week 4 will be up shortly.  Make sure this one stays clean this time, fellas.  And by clean, I of course mean, carry on with such vulgarity that even Jables' prostitute mother would blush.

Weak 3.

Farewell, God's Flower Child

Theoren Fleury officially retired from the Calgary Flames and the NHL this morning.  To be honest, I wasn't actually aware that he was officially not retired in the first place.  If you told me that he retired 4 years ago, then I would have asked if you were sure it wasn't even longer ago.

Anyway, as a young bastard, Theo was one of my favorite non-Bruins in the entire game.  Mostly because he was only 5'6 and gave me hope that even those of us who reside closer to the earth could still make it into the show.  But it wasn't just Theo's inseam that made him so attractive as a player.  He was a skilled goal scorer and play-maker, netting 455 goals over the course of his 15-year career in the NHL.  In 1084 games played, Theo logged 1088 points in total.  Meaning that he contributed in just about every game he ever played in.  His best seasons were of course played with the Flames where in 1990, the Flames took home the Stanley Cup, and the following season ('90-'91) Fleury tallied 51 goals and 53 assists, maintaining a +/- of 48(!).  And even in his twilight years as a journeyman, he still averaged well over 60 points per season.

But again, it wasn't just the numbers.  Theo was a scrapster at the highest level.  And I don't mean that in the same way that David Eckstein is scrappy.  I mean that Fleury averaged over 100 PIM per season.  He was brash, and although he would rarely drop the gloves due to his size, always had a way of getting under the skin of his opponents, one way or the other.  He was clearly unliked in most NHL circles, but to me, as young prick myself, he had swagger and allure.  And I loved it.

He also happens to be responsible for my favorite hockey clip of all-time.  Enjoy.



Happy trails, partner.

Your Weekly Daisuke-Watch

In response to the ever-so rude, unprofessional, and uncalled-for barbs hurled by one Steve Berthaiume, and then only bolstered by my thuggish and brash colleague.  I thought it would be a good idea to track the progress of the worst pitcher in Major League Baseball, by charting his statistics per start, until the 2009 Boston Red Sox are no more.

So here we go.


In 3 starts since returning from the DL, Daisuke has been putrid as ever.  Nay!  Stinky as ever:


Record: 2-1
ER: 4
ERA: 1.96
IP: 18.1
Hits: 17
BB: 9
K: 13

Sure, Daisuke still allows lots of hits and too many walks.  But, he has always been that way and he has made a living of escaping from jams.  And if you review his clutch stats, you will see that Daisuke generally gets out of trouble when ever he finds himself in it.

Oh, and two of the three teams faced since his return will be potential/actual playoff opponents in a few shorts weeks.

One start does not slander erase.  Nor, two.  But what about three?

I'm Only Going To Say This Once...

Great throw by my BFF. Sincerely, I mean it. Very poised, put it in a great spot.


But there's no fucking way it was better than Greg Lewis' catch. And this was after both Donald Driver AND Michael Jenkins' put forth potential "Catch of the Year" entries.

So to cameramen, analysts and pundits: Instead of zooming in on (and openly fellating) that aging, pathetic, "child-like" in his attention-whoring tendencies, smegma shooter...give some love to the man who had to go MAKE THE PLAY, instead of throwing it up and hoping for the best.

Otherwise, perhaps Kyle Orton is "worth every penny" too.

Runnin' On Empty

8:15: It's football night in America! Everybody in America is excited about it!

Ev-ry-bod-YYYYYY!!!

8:20: My eyes are still recovering from the assault port forth by the Seahawks uniform committee, but I think I can still go on. Yep, I think I've located the visual motion box that is my flat screen. So yeah, I should be able to go on.

So long as Deuce comes to my assistance...

Deuce?

What the fuck, man?

He's in the bathroom?

He droppin' heat?

He's douching?

Hmm... Makes sense, I guess.

Go on...

En Route: Pinchin'

Man, fuck weddings.  If you want to throw a celebration, then why is it my responsibility to foot the bill?  A gift?  Sure, I can get you and your eventual ex a gift. Just don't go making demands about how much that gift has to be worth.  The real gifts should come from the people that really love you.  I mean, as soon as you're married, we're barely friends anymore because then you're always "spending time with the wife", or you have "house stuff to do", or going to the hospital because "little Jimmy's got swine flu and might die as a result."  Save it, suckbag.  You just robbed me of a few hundred dollars for your bachelor party and your wedding and now I don't even get to call you a cocksucker to your face anymore.  Just doesn't seem fair to me.

Anyway, as a result of this wedding rash, I'm left paying for the morning coffee with quarters and dimes and roasting resin whackers until a migraine is induced (Which really doesn't take all that long).  And as a young "professional", let's just say the money bags haven't quite found their way to my doorstep yet.  Is there a worse time of life than the mid-to-late 20's?  You busted your first nut more than half-your-life ago, college has completely faded from the rearview mirror, and now you actually have to spend what little money you do make on other people.  Bring on the adult diapers and the alka seltzer as far as I'm concerned, because this shit sucks.

But if you happen to find yourself in the fortunate situation of not having to do things because other people want to do them, and actually have a little time to yourself, then allow me to recommend the following:

• Since basketball season is semi-sorta-on the way, here's a piece about how basketball teams are like families, and how the best way to ensure early childhood development is to kick the black sheep out of the house, as early on as possible. 

• Apparently the rest of the world has not been receptive to the fact that Americans don't really like soccer all that much, or something.  And in outright defiance, the world continues to follow it. 

• Sean Salisbury: insane, semi-literate.  Even in a Lolspeak kind of way. 

• The Cold War is alive and well, my friends.  I always knew we were vulnerable on the professional sports-front. 

• And fishing for a savior to Baseball Tonight in the calm, mystical waters of... Japan?

And in all seriousness, fuck weddings.

Hatin' On Your Hometown

The Second Fiddle

Somewhere between the meaningful land of hustle and bustle that borders the Altantic Ocean and the blissful naivete of the Left Coast, amidst the simple farmhands and even simpler values, lies a colossal anomaly affectionately known as the Second City.  Referred to as such most likely because it is typically an afterthought when considered alongside the more relevant cities that speckle the extremities of the American landscape.

If you ever feel the urge to visit Chicago, be sure to fly into one of their two inconveniently located airports.

What?  O'Hare is a short train ride away!

If by short, you mean long and annoying, then I hear what you are saying.  Look, I just spent over 2 hours stuffed into a aerial cesstube with 100 other ornery, non-toxicated individuals.  The last thing I need is to spend another 45 minutes hugging a hand-rail slathered in stuffed pizza grease, hemmed in by a gang of uber-ironic hipsters casually offering mustache rides to any willing female, so long as her i-pod is up to snuff, of course.

Go on...

THE SHEET®: Week 3

What in fuck heck (ibid) is The Sheet®?

After two full Sundays of orgasm- inducing NFL football, Week 3 is upon us. Let us take a moment to savor it, swish it around in our mouths, as it is the last week in which every single NFL team will be playing. BYE weeks, from here on out; causing havoc and anarchy on waiver wires everywhere.

And if these last two weeks have been a climax of football anticipation, the introduction of the NFL Network's Red Zone Channel is the G-spot. One word: Revolutionary. It's been panned elsewhere on the internet, but for one such as myself it is Nirvana. I was so used to 2 choices on Sunday: 1.) My couch, and whatever turd of a regional game I was granted or b.) Get thee to a sports bar, follow FSD's rules, and watch games imagining what the commentary was.

Now...Channel 155, all day (until the Bears game). My favorite part is that the name "Red Zone Channel" is a little misleading. It ought be called "Most Exciting/Important/Relevant Game At This Exact Moment Channel." The Chiefs are faced with 3rd and goal from the Oakland 16? That's a nice Red Zone moment and all...but I'd much rather be watching the Jets defense pestering Brady as he tries to put together at least ONE touchdown drive late in the 4th. And the Red Zone Channel obliges; almost as if it thinks for you. Like there is a team of professional football fans, picking and choosing what matters, and what doesn't.

And by God, it's beautiful.

Commentor suggestions, advice, feedback always appreciated. Perhaps the contestant who has technically the best W-L record will actually earn some cabbage this week. FUCK! THE CABBAGE! I WANT IT NOW!

Week 3, bay-bee

What Not to Wear, pt. 2

Or more Specifically, what not to do at your local purveyor of sports entertainment.

Entering your local sports bar on a Sunday morning is a tenuous affair.  Particularly if you are not from the area.  Whether or not you will actually be able to view your game depends on a number of circumstances.  But regardless of whether or not you actually get to watch your specific game or not, there are a few obvious actions that you need to avoid before entering the bar.

1.  In reference to the previous post, the same fashion laws still apply before heading to the bar.  Do not double up, the shirt needs to be up-to-date, no pink, etc.  Sure, when in hostile territory, you want to raise your flag, sporting your team colors, as if you were Derek Vinyard on your first day at county.  But honestly, don't you think the fact that you are sitting in front of a television that is airing the Ravens game lets everyone else in the bar aware of the fact that you are either A) a Ravens' fan or B) a fan of the Ravens' opponent?  And just what is the point of wearing a replica jersey at the bar anyway?  I understand that Halloween occurs within the season, but this isn't an excuse to celebrate it every weekend.

Here's a few a buffalo wings, little Jimmy.  Now get the fuck off my porch.

Go on...

Daily, er, Weekly Bills

The Buffalo Bills are a sad sack organization. They have a great fanbase, but it is a tortured one. If the Bills aren't wallowing in the basement of the AFC East, well then they are off losing consecutive Super Bowls four at a time. Sadly, this is the most interesting point of note for the entire organization. Don't believe it? Well then allow us to extend an invitation so that you may find out for yourself. You are ALL invited to bear witness to the wretched hilarity that is the Buffalo Bills Daily calendar.

The situation up in Buffalo has been strange to say the least, and while their fans appear to be unnecessarily cocky (and grabby) after an impressive win over a terrible ball club, we thought it would be a good idea to check back in with the Daily Bills!

Wednesday, September 23rd

Bills Fact

Less than two weeks into the 2009 season, no less than TWO Buffalo players have been the victims of malfeasance at the hands of local criminals. Immediately following the Bills' loss to the New England Patriots in week 1, Leodis McKelvin's lawn was vandalized by a group of teenagers. The following Sunday, during the Bills' home opener, safety Donte Whitner's home was burglarized, relieving him of nearly $400,000 worth of jewelry.

--
You stay classy, Buffalo.

Fantasy Advice with Dean from Dean's Home Furniture

Just take a look at this office onsawmble, folks! It can be yaws fuh only $999! Can yuh even believe it?


Hi, friends. Good to see everyone again. Welcome to the stohre.

People come up to me all the time sayin, "Dean, you ah SO smaht. Yaw advice led me to uh fantasy baseball playawf bihrth and I couldn't be happiuh. But nowwww, my fantasy football team is already shittin' the bed. I NEED YUH HELP!" This happens so often around this time uh yeah, that I don't even have time to run my furnichuh business. So tell you what I'm gonna do for you; each week, I'm gonna give you what you need by postin' an advice cawlumn in the local papuh. Here's my promise to you: I will find you the best quality playis, at the lowest possible prices... GUARANTEED.

People always come to me askin how they should know which quawtuhback they should staht? You think Matty Bustedback is gonna carry yaw squawd all the way to the prawmised land?

I DOUBT IT.
 

Go on...

THE SHEET®: Week 2 Results

Even red-headed French muts have their day...

Le Ginge takes the grand prize for week 2, even though it should be noted that both Peyton Manning and Chad Pennington (especially during that 2-minute drill at the end of last night's game) both look a lot like Corky Thatcher, so maybe some clarification it you would be so kind.

The rest of us can all take solace in the fact that the Ginage still has the worst record in the league even after his resurgence this week.

Yep folks, it looks like we are finally finding our Sheet legs, so the finished product should be on point from here on out. Well, until the reins are handed over to Deuce this week and certain disaster strikes. So if THE SHEET® isn't up until, oh say, Saturday night, then you will know why.

Week 2 Results

Blogsturbation Monday

Mayweather is the truth.


This was pretty much the story all night long. Marquez trying to hit Mayweather, and Maywearther beating him to the... punch. Often times Marquez wasn't even trying to throw punches when Pretty Boy would sneak a jab right into his schnoz. Aside from that, it was Maywether's staggering defense that kept the fight one-sided and Marquez frustrated for a full 12 rounds.

Oh, and who was it that predicted a decision? I can't remember.

In football news, I think it's time that every NFL analyst stops questioning the Giants talent. It is well-documented that I am no Giants fan, but Eli Manning is... Well, he's pretty... I mean, he's not... It's not like I... Look HE'S FUCKING GOOD, okay!?! Shit... 

Go on...

My Weekend was Better than Yours

But isn't that always the case?

Yep, just a little more masturbation from your favorite b. Leeder.

Friday night, did the Charlie Hunter thing at one GEM of a music venue (you'll be hearing more about it shortly). For those of you that do not know, the man plays a 7-string guitar that features 3 bass strings, and 4 guitar strings. So in essence, he's playing two instruments at the same time and it's the best thing ever.

Two for Bleu - Charlie Hunter

Saturday night, Groundation unleashed an impenetrable wall of riddim, that could only be scathed by the oddly-placed television screen curiously airing the UFC Pay-per-view event. I mean, we're all trying to mellow out and skank on down to the floor, but this is difficult to do with a giant image of one grown up punching another unconscious gentleman repeatedly in the face. Ah yes, the juxtaposition.

Silver Tongue Show - Groundati...

Last night, after that frustrating experience earlier that afternoon, the Euro poppers descended upon the city to delight us with some clever, synth-heavy hooks. Again, there were distractions with the Cowboys-Giants doing battle at the Drive-In (I'm really trying hard to come up with a nickname for that new monstrosity), but this one was more of a welcome distraction considering our embrace of the best game around these parts.

Black & Blue - Miike Snow

And with Sam Roberts taking the stage out in the Scud Mountain region this evening, it's as if the weekend hasn't even ended yet. I mean, I'm still hungover even though I am sitting at a computer, in an office, sharing a cube with my senior supervisor. It's like Sunday all over again otherwise. But should be a great show. Think they'll open with Love at the End of the World? Haha! Of course they will, silly...

With a Bullet - Sam Roberts

Forgive Me, Boston Area Bar Managers,

But the people who want to watch the Patriots and Red Sox games, can go the fuck home and watch them there. Your owner purchased the NFL Sunday ticket, in addition to a dozen HD televisions in order to enhance your marketability as a purveyor of food, spirits, and entertainment. If you made your money strictly off of local sports fans exclusively, then there would be no need to have the NFL Sunday ticket at all. For what would be the point? The Sox are always on television, and the Patriots are never blacked out (but give it a few years, will you?), so you could just go with regular cable.

I setup shop yesterday at the best seat in the house. I have good vision of four televisions, and a 5th that always broadcasts the Game Mix. My expectations were as follows:

TV 1: Eagles-Saints
TV 2: Titans-Texans
TV 3: Falcons-Panthers
TV 4: Pats-Jets

Instead, it went down like this:

TV 1: Falcons-Panthers
TV 2: Red Sox-Orioles
TV 3: Pats-Jets
TV 4: Pats-Jets

Fortunately for me, the douchey BC graduate needed to go home and wash his Super Fan t-shirt, so I got TV1 changed over to the Philly-Saints blowout. And although I did get to watch to Daisuke-san continue his path back to greatness, I still would have accepted some clownshoe Kansas City fan forcing me to watch the biggest battle of ineptitude since Bill Pullman met Bill Paxton in Brain Dead.

Sundays are celebrated (forgive me, Jesus) because of football. FOOTBALL! Even if a region is colored by a particular allegiance to a specific team, this does not erase the singular truth that SuUNDAYS are for FOOTBALL. In the Fall, Sundays are not for regular season baseball games nor are they for Patriots games; they are for FOOTBALL games. Namely, the really fucking good football games. Now, the Patriots may be taking part in a really good fucking football game as was the case yesterday. But at this holy altar, the Patriots represent merely an integral relic that shares equal placement with the 15 others upon that mantle.

So get on your knees Boston area bar managers, and pray for forgiveness, for the football gods are always watching, and if there's anything that they like less than Sunday baseball, it's blind favoritism.

Oh, and while you're down there?

Weekend Wampum

What, just because B.Lee is off elbow-deep in asshole, butt-fishing for Bung Flounders doesn't mean FSD ceases to exist. You are too narrow in your scope, Lee!!

BULLET POINTS

• For Bears fans, This is the greatest headline of the short NFL season...so far.
• Stewart Mandel calls a U-Dub upset over USC. You got a lotta growing up to do, Stew, even if Matt Barkley throws like a female.
• Fishing is for guys too fat and lazy to go bowling, play golf or jerk-off in their free time.
• Florida is favored by THIRTY(30!) over the Fightin' Kiffins. Too bad there isn't a way to parlay that line with the Over on +/- 6.5 facials received by Layla Kiffin courtesy of Urban Meyer during his post-game press conference. Just begging for it.
• Jake Peavy makes his first ever AL start this afternoon. In other-shit-that-doesn't-matter, I had some soggy toast for breakfast.
• ...the fuck is a baseball?!?!
• Finally, this happened a few days again, but I'd be remiss not to shout-out the vintage performance by FJM on Deadspin this week. Lofty day. An inspiration to us all.

Enjoy a weekend full of horrible spreads, fried food and fish guts.

En Route: Fishin'

Yep. Nothing like relaxing in the great outdoors, playing sports, and catching fish... Wait, what? Relax and sport in the same sentence? Exactly. Fishing? NOT A SPORT! It's something that you (apparently) do in the early hours of a bachelor party before engaging in some real sex sports later on. Therefore, I will be missing all of the college action this weekend while I compete with aquatic creatures for their lives. Sunday should more than make up for the loss, however.

Saints - Eagles? Sick.

Pats - Jets? Bone.

Raiders - Chiefs?!? Heaven.

And so here's what we got planned for next week:

• In depth analysis of the hotly contested Phoenix-San Antonio series
• Recap of the Franklin-Belfort battle
• And why Hendrick Motorsports made one, huge mistake

So while you're off enjoying real entertainment, that is what I will be doing! In addition to shaking hands with an actual wet fish. Be sure to tune in, kids!

And get your SHEET picks in... Fer fook's sake, lads!

Your Mandatory Pre-Fight Post

This weekend the biggest fight since that other fight you didn't really care about will be taking place in Las Vegas, NV at the MGM Grand. We here at FSD cannot hide our excitement. I mean, there are just so many questions that will be addressed. Will the 21 month layoff hurt the Pretty Boy? Will the weight gain slow down Marquez? And with what kind of fluid will his water bottle be filled?

Oh, you mean you haven't been watching 24/7 on repeat for the last three weeks? Well, what the hell have you been doing? Catching up on True Blood instead? Ugh... Well, you're in luck because just before the undercard begins, HBO will be airing all 3 episodes, in addition to the finale. Oh, you don't even have HBO? Then how the hell have you been watching True Blood? But you have Internet access? Get your priorities straight, buddy.

For this fight holds big time implications. At this point you have no doubt heard about Manny Pacquiao. After systematically dismantling Oscar De La Hoya and basically ending Ricky Hatton's career (and also with the notable absence of the Pretty Boy), Pacquiao has seemingly assumed the rights to the title of "Pound-for-Pound greatest boxer in the world." However, it needs to be noted that Marquez damn near (or actually) beat Pacquio...

Twice.

Yes sir, we seem to be on an inevitable collision course where Mayweather will take on Pacquiao not only for some hardware, but also for that arbitrary title mentioned above. And after this eventual matchup, boxing will of course cease to exist, because what the hell else will the rest of us have to look forward to after a Pretty Boy-Pacman showdown?

But what if Mayweather loses and Dinamita Marquez steals the show? If everything goes according to plan in the upcoming Pacquiao-Cotto fight, will Manny have to step up and fight Marquez once again (and after refusing a third fight, previously)? So not only should Saturday bring us a great fight, but it will also give us some insight into what 2010 will hold for boxing fans.

Tale of the Tape

As you can see, Mayweather is slightly bigger than Marquez in terms of frame, but in terms of muscle mass, Marquez takes it. But beating larger, stronger opponents has never been a problem (see: 39-0) for Mayweather. Pretty Boy's defense makes the Bmore Ravens envious, and his counter-punching is the perfect complement. Marquez, on the other hand, is a straight brawler. He just wants to hit people and he is very good at it. However, he might have to be a little more disciplined in lieu of Floyd's more patient approach to a fight (and as opposed to Pacquiao's).

Myself? I am torn up about this fight. Even though Marquez drives a hummer and is, you know, I still like him. I enjoy watching humble fighters and I like the strong, silent type. And even though Pretty Boy Floyd is a bit obnoxious, he is still an entertaining character and quite possibly the best boxer in the biz. Plus, if he loses, he might retire and then we'll never see him fight Pacquiao. And since that fight would complete me, it needs to happen.

Therefore, I'm calling for a Mayweather decision. That's right, no knock outs this time through. But on the bright side, you will get your $50 worth. Or your risky Black Box venture's worth. Your call.

Enjoy the fight y'all.

THE SHEET®: Week 2

If you are reading this post and thinking to yourself "Whatzeshit is ZE SHEET?", or you haven't already done so, then please refer to the Manifesto. It can only help. Or at least. not hurt.

It's almost too good to be true that the NFL season is underway once again. Even amongst the 26 fantasy squads, the 14 survival pools, and the 10 other pick em leagues under FSD management, THE SHEET always gets the most attention, because I swear to Vishnu, if one of these other bush league, cocksuckers takes down the sheet, then that is just not acceptable.

It should be noted that there were two Brutus the Barber Beefcake references made completely independent of one another. You see, we can't actually see each other's responses until they are all compiled together, so that makes it difficult. So, we're still trying to work the bugs, as well as the gaffes out at this point. But we're all pretty confident that this week will run a bit more smoothly, so long as Jables decides to walk on two legs, with his head located external to his asshole.

Once again, commenter picks and suggestions in the comments.

Boom.

I See Puck People

You may, or probably don't, recall a similar post back in March when the boys of summer were reporting to their respective southern locations. At the time, I expressed what could best be referred to as reservation about the return of baseball. Not because I don't like baseball, but because with baseball, let's just say there is a tendency to empty the chamber as soon as the first pitch is thrown, meaningful or otherwise. Besides, at the time we were in the thick of the college basketball season, as well as the final stretch of the NHL and NBA regular seasons. My point was that baseball takes time to get going. We can rejoice at it's return, but must be sure bank some of that initial excitement and stow it away so the passion can run steady through the summer months (which it rarely does).

Either way, we're not talking about baseball here, we're talking about hockey, mother fuckers. With hockey there's never a let-down. Things get rolling as soon as the puck drops (October the fucking 1st!), we catch a huge boost from the Winter Classic (January the fucking 1st!), and then we glide all the way into the summer months, enthralled and excited throughout the entire process.

And just what is it about hockey that never allows us to relax, never allows to us to get complacent throughout the course of a seemingly endless season, or never forces us to pace ourselves?

The fights, dummy...




Season starts October 1st, y'all! Get fucking excited!

Berthiaume-Fail

On Baseball Tonight, this past Saturday evening, Steve Berthiaume, in response to the news that Daisuke Matsuzaka would be returning to the Red Sox rotation, declared that "Daisuke STINKS!"

"He stinks," he even repeated.

"The minor league numbers just aren't there," he elaborated.

"Probably allowed 5 ER and 17 walks," he overstated.

And then Daisuke took the mound on that fateful Tuesday evening and shutdown the Red Sox' eventual playoff opponent in the 2009 AL Divisional Series. Official line from last night's game:

6 IP
0 ER
3 Hits
3 BB
5 K

Pretty stinky, eh Stevie?

And of course, it's only one start. He could always revert to, oh say, last year's numbers:

5 2/3 IP
2 ER
4.5 Hits
3 BB
5 k

To be fair, this would actually be a step back for Daisuke-san, so maybe you are onto something, Steve-o. Or maybe you should just keep a lid on it. Not to step on ESPN-Fail's toesies or anything, but this little outburst seemed not only unwarranted, but downright erratic and maybe a little personal, as well (What's the matter, Bert? Guy owe you money, or something?). Of course this, what shall we call it, poor choice of words was sputtered at the end of the show, during valuable, awkward "ad lib" time, and it was late on a Saturday night in the presence of the "All-Star" crew. That being said, do better next time, Stevesie. Otherwise, I know a few Yakuza who don't believe that a blog post is a sufficient enough rebuke for such flagrant disrespect.

Ja-ne for now.

Communiques de Donk the Honkey

After the Patriots did battle with the Bills on Monday night, I couldn't help but get one person's name out of my head. His name is Donk the Honkey, and not only is he a top 2 commenter (out of 2) on FSD, but he is also the resident Bills fan and source for the Daily, er, Weeky Bills segment. It was apparent that DH had to be devastated after such a terrible... TERRIBLE loss, and so while the wounds were fresh, we conducted a small interview with the poor bastard.


b. Lee: Hey man, you hanging in there?

DH: hey, it's actually kind of nice in here

b. Lee: Have you taken refuge in a bubble or something?

DH: nah, here in uncle ben's rape shed.

b. Lee: Yeah well, you gotta understand something, brother... We're all still breathing heavy from last night's near-train wreck

DH: i can honestly say that i never once thought the game was in hand -- just didn't expect last year's NUMBER ONE NFL SPECIAL TEAMS UNIT to provide the boner.

let me know if you want an exclusive interview for the blog.

b. Lee: I was hoping that you didn't... I figured you would know better. I honestly didn't feel like the game was over either. I was expecting a three and out, and then a punt. But... well... you know.

I would love a Bills' fan's perspective, to be honest.

DH: see: Red Sox fan circa 2003

b. Lee: Eh... I fully believed. I wasn't old enough to really feel Buckner or anything that preceded it, you know?

DH: i'm old enough to understand norwood, the four super bowl losses, music city miracle, the flutie flakes game, rob fugging johnson, the bledsoe era, blowing the cowboys mnf game, this pats game, the fact that we've lost 12 straight to the pats, the fact that we've lost our last three mnf games by a combined four points, need i go on?

b. Lee: Is it all McKelvin's fault?

DH: of course not, the defense while holding points in check 'til the end gave up a million yards. they gave up the big plays at the end. the offense couldn't sustain any drives except for the six minute one in the fourth, that SHOULD'VE BEEN A TEN MINUTE DRIVE if they knew how to milk the clock / run the ball. when they scored i thought they still had too much time on the clock. everytime they showed jauron on the sidelines i had a bad feeling. i thought edwards played great -- didn't have great stats, but no huge boner plays either. jackson ran/received effectively... receivers were taken out of it a bit. couple drops in there as well that could have been big yards or kept a drive alive. just sloppy.

b. Lee: Was TO even playing?

DH: well i think he's part of the reason the screens, runs, and even TE were able to do some damage. that drop on third down though, early, was a tough one.

effing pos better have a broken arm to not have been in that game. of course it was watson that ended up killing them twice. christ almighty.

b. Lee: He was already barking at people down the stretch... Early warning sign?

DH: well the loss is the killer, obviously. if they win the game his bitching doesn't really hold any water. but of course, they lost, so he must be right, right?

b. Lee: At least in his mind.

I thought the O-line played really well for the most part... Until the 4th quarter

DH: well, minus penalties on probably 30% of the plays, but they protected edwards well. i think part of that was the pats not wanting to rush too far up field because of how they were getting torn up by the screens.

b. Lee: Gonna be a running back controversy when Be-Mo gets back?

DH: ehh 'shawn's definitely a better north-south runner, but jackson is so good catching out of the backfield. very nice 1 2 punch, nice problem to have. he would have been a nice option in the 4th quarter, though they couldn't ask for much more than they got from fj last night.

b. Lee: Soooo, is it all McKelvin's fault?

DH: i'm having trouble with it, i don't know. part of me wants to say it's a live by the sword, die by the sword thing -- makes so many good plays doing that. but, what a fucking idiot for trying to pull something like that with two minutes to go in a game where the pats need 7. take it at the 20. run it three times. make them use timeouts. punt it away with a minute to go or less. pray.

b. Lee: Or just drop to the ground when you're wrapped up...

Likelihood that Jauron lasts the entire season: I got 40%

DH: well how the fuck did he make it through last season? it's ridiculous that he is still there. firing him now would be wayyyy too little, too late. it's like taking a shit in a toilet, leaving it for two weeks, and then deciding to flush it. that stank will be around a while.

b. Lee: Stop right there... I think you have the perfect analogy for this season

DH: such a huge swing though -- if they win last night, what a confidence builder. on the road, brady's return, nationally televised, huge underdogs, expected to finish last in the division, against a team that's owned them... and they pull it out?! WE CAN BUILD ON THIS!

but now they're just the team that blew it, again.

b. Lee: Like getting to the starting line with your new wheels, and stalling when the light turns green

DH: history can be so unkind to the losers

b. Lee: So can the present, apparently...

DOWN, GARY!!

DH: tell me that everything is going to be okay...

b. Lee: You know I can't do that. But hang in there, buddy

What Not to Wear

If you perused the Lolla Blog at all, then you may have have noticed that we tend to pay a little too much attention to what other people are wearing, when we should probably be focusing on, well, the purpose of the event itself. However, like good sons of the ADHD Generation, our attention is easily drawn toward what some may call, the lesser details.

We couldn't disagree more.

So before you make your decision to head out the door to the ballpark, stadium, arena, or court; let's talk about some common mistakes that people make either out of ignorance or insanity.

Go on...

THE SHEET®: Week 1 Results

Week 1 in the books, and we can't say how happy we are that this thing went off as smoothly as it did.

Jables takes the first week in both humor and accuracy, but we're just gonna chalk that one up to all that stored energy he's been carrying around while NOT contributing to the blog.

Le Ginge, well let's just he's not off to the quick start that he is accustomed to.

Deuce gets points deducted for calling the Packers-Bears as game of the week.

And b. Lee, ever the philosopher, sticks to the mean between the extremes. Never too high, never too low. Except on the weekends, then he's always high.

You can see the fully-filled sheet here and also be sure to check out the official FSD Predictions for the 2009 season below the board.

Week 2 should be up my Wednesday. Hasta...

Performance Review

If I EVER showed up for a day of work and performed as mind-boggling, humiliatingly poorly as you did last night, my ass would be collecting food stamps for months. You could hear Chris Collinsworth fighting every urge to call it one of the worst coaching performances of all-time.

The red zone turnovers.

The lack of accountability by Jay Cutler. And the lack of any chemistry with any receiver. And the receivers lack of ability to finish a route.

The audacity to give your FUCKING LONG-SNAPPER the license to audible to a fake punt... On 4th and 11... In your own territory... In the 4th quarter... While winning.

Two lost challenges that resulted in two lost time-outs; one in 2 extra yards for the opponent, and the other NOT in a penalty that would not have resulted in a first down anyways.

Switching kick returners on the decisive 4th quarter KO after a time out, proving your consistent indecisiveness.

Letting Nathan Vasher anywhere near the field.

Ron Turner.

Instituting such a pussy-drenched, weaksauce training camp (WITHOUT TACKLING) that resulted in repeated broken tackles and injuries to 2 starting linebackers, 2 cornerbacks and a tight end. In the first half. Nice strength and conditioning program.

Whatever, I could go on and on. But that was an absolutely, fucktastically retahded, inept and embarrassing coaching performance. You fucking fail this week, Lovie. FAILURE. But, you're a players coach. And the Bears sure do attempt to strip the ball well.

Maybe that's how The Hurt 'Lacher broke his wrist...

Daily, er, Weekly Bills

... er, Monthly Bills?

The Buffalo Bills are a sad sack organization. They have a great fanbase, but it is a tortured one. If the Bills aren't wallowing in the basement of the AFC East, well then they are off losing consecutive Super Bowls four at a time. Sadly, this is the most interesting point of note for the entire organization. Don't believe it? Well then allow us to extend an invitation so that you may find out for yourself. You are ALL invited to bear witness to the wretched hilarity that is the Buffalo Bills Daily calendar.

Since the Bills will be kicking off the season in their usual lowly fashion, we though it would be a good idea to resurrect this segment. So here's to an 0-1 start, as well as to the Daily Bills!


Monday, September 14th

Bills Fact

Buffalo and San Francisco combined for more than 1,000 total yards when they met at Candlestick Park early in the 1992 season. The 49ers had 598 of those yards, but the Bills won the game, 34-31.

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Remember those good old days? Don't you wish you could just go back? Man, I bet if Jim Kelly were around he could throw a football over Niagara Falls and right into the soft, waiting hands of Andre Reed. Of course, it's easier to both throw and catch without any of those bulky rings on your fingers.

And what kind of calendar doesn't give you the week number, or even the date? I'm pretty sure they're just making stuff up at this point.

While we here at FSD won't be bringing these interesting factoids (and trivia!)... daily, we will do you the favor of cherry-picking the GEMS such as the one above, so that you are able to know only the truly important details concerning this sad bastard franchise. Until next time, Go Billies!

ESPN: Athens

Is the grammatical error purposefully ironic, or what?

I am pretty excited about this to be honest, because if there is anything I like, it is local news provided by a non-local source. Channels 4, 5, and 7 have had it too good for too long, and changes like this are more than welcome.

So good riddance, Boston.com. I prefer to consume my local sports with a fresh side of unemployment and a dab of informational hegemony.

Muhahahahaha!!!

Blogsturbation Monday

Slot Machine Pays Out

That had to be the most absurd ending to a football game I have ever seen. And that last statement was pure hyperbole, but you know what I mean. Roy Williams getting beat deep? No. I don't believe it.

D. Breesy is on pace for 96 touchdowns this season. I think he's got a chance.

Everyone's favorite sleeper pick of the season had an inauspicious debut. Good news is that if they keep losing, then maybe they can truly fulfill their roles as a sleeper... An 8-8 sleeper.


On the opposing side of that coin, it looks like Rexy already has his defense together in New York. Jets looked for real, at least on one side of the ball.

Is it at all possible that Delhomme does not start next week? Granted he was playing against one of the better defenses in the league. But, he picked up right where he left off. Where he left off was against NOT one of the better defensives in the league. Things got so bad yesterday that Delhomme purposefully started bouncing balls across the field out of fear of another INT. Word on the street is that the Sex Panther himself, Jeff Garcia, may be on the prowl for Carolina's starting gig.

And if the Bears had any better options, then maybe Cutler's starting gig might be in flux as well. The good news is that Chicago's defense was stout enough to keep them in the game down to the end. The bad news is that the Packer's "Super Bowl" caliber offense could barely put points on the board even with 4 turnovers courtesy of Cutler.

And Cutler, I swear to God, you might be able to keep your starting gig with the Bears, but competition is much more stiff on Team Snicklefritz. I got Matt Hasselback waiting in the FUCKING wings and so help me god, you will be watching from the sidelines next week! STEP IT UP!

Are the Rams the worst team in the league? We can't really determine this until we see the Bills and Raiders play, of course. But they are the front-runner for Disaster of the Year without question.

Oh, and Baltimore? Not impressed.

Lastly, in the career death match between Eggplant Charlie and Dick-Rod, it looks like Michigan will not be looking for a new coach this winter. Notre Dame, on the other hand, well, let's just say I hear Lou Holtz is still interested.

You come on home to New England Charlie. Navy blue never did you justice anyway.

It's only week 1, and it's not even over yet. Praise be to the NFL.

En Route: Indulging

Look at that photo. If that doesn't get you excited for this weekend, then I'm not sure what can. Boobies and Wings! Works for me.

Men across the country finally have a valid reason for not getting anything accomplished on weekends.

"I would to love honey, but the games are on. No not game, honey. Games. They are on all weekend actually."

And if this doesn't function as a valid reason, well then you fucked up, and that's your fault.

Anyway, on tap for next week!

• More NFL previews!

Wait, what? Oh that's right. We're done with those. Thank, heavens.

So what do we do now? I don't know, man. It's been a stressful week. Lay off. Tell you what, go back and read some of the Worst to Firsts. I know you didn't read them all... So hop to it because you got research to do if you wanna party SHEET-style with the big boys.

I'll worry about content on Monday. The barstool is offering promises of fresh Octoberfest and heart-stoppingly tasty foods. In other words, we gots football to watch, and that's about as far as these eyes can see.

Keep Holy the first Sunday of Football.

THE SHEET®: Week 1

Some of you, no doubt, have been wondering what the bejeeziz we have been talking about with this whole sheet business. So if you haven't already, then please read the manifesto below. It should help elucidate the solution to the mystery.

And still if that doesn't help, well you can take a peak at the link below. And if that doesn't, well then hit yourself over the head with a tack hammer because you are hopeless.

It's like a scavenger hunt combined with a puzzle, just strictly football-related. You will get the hang of it. If you'd like to join in the fun, then make your picks in the comments section. Or, if you'd like to recommend a moniker for a team for use in future Sheets, then please also throw it into the comments.

Let the fun begin.


Week 1.

THE SHEET®: Manifesto

Four years ago a rotating cast of 5 to 7 assholes came together to form what would become the rudimentary beginnings of a durable institution. This institution was centered around the NFL and gambling. It was essentially a revolving Pick 'Em league where each week, all 13 to 16 games would be laid out on a single white sheet of notebook paper, accompanied by the point spread per each contest. This sheet would then be passed around to that week's participants, scrolling our entries in pen on the raw, unadorned, and barely legible board.

In time, the players dropped to a small, yet formidable cast of 3. Although while the witnesses to this fledgling establishment lessened, the overall creative spirit would widen. Instead of jotting down the cities, states, and names of our picks, imaginations and experimentations in humor began to take flight. At first, we were hesitant, picking our spots only where we felt confident enough to land a laugh or even a slight smirk. But in time, our collective audacity would grow.

At a certain point, this consortium, then known as The Spreadsheet, in honor of it's resemblance to the Excel format, and out of respect for the mystique that such a generic name would preserve for our proud institution, would drift apart across various time zones within the continental United States. However, the power and draw of our project refused to die in lieu of our geographical isolation. And thanks for the convenience of modern technology, The Spreadsheet was maintained electronically, taking on a more polished appearance, but the tone, on the other hand, still refused refinement. For this exercise was an exercise in style rather than substance. We were not here to stimulate the brain, or even provide good advice, but more than anything, to garner a cheap belly laugh or two.

And the question has always been whether or not this institution can be made public. Gradually we have expanded the eligible participants from 3 to 4. A small step in terms of sheer quantity, but a large one with respect to fueling the spread of our low-brow fire. For it as this point in time, that we have decided to go public with this venture, even at the expense of our well-intentioned, collective conscience. And so with this full disclosure of our previously closeted initiative, we must offer our rules:


The rules of THE SHEET® are:


I. Bring the Funny

Now this isn't always possible. The rule really is try and be funny. Sometimes you swing and miss... Or most of the time if your name happens to be Le Ginge.


II. No actual team names allowed

The whole point of this shindig, aside from b. Lee robbing his co-conspirators for $15 a week, is to shake things up a bit. And so help me Tom, if the words "Redskins" or "Chiefs" appear on THE SHEET® unaccompanied by some kind of racially insensitive modifier, then there will be consequences. Fucking serious ones.


III. Do not repeat yourself (or anyone else!)

This is difficult considering the material. The Rams are a notoriously terrible team to work with, so the common default response is some kind of Super Troopers reference. Building upon a previously employed moniker is allowed, but only so long as you encouraging positive advancements in terms of it's propagation and survival.


IV. Picks are due by Midnight Pacific time on Sunday

Now Le Ginge usually handles this the best, but Jables on the other hand, well let's just say there have been issues. The corollary to this rule follows, that if a participant's picks are not presented in the appropriate format, then the Sheetmaster gets to present said picks in any fashion that he/she deems fit... With hilarious results.


V. *pointz Game

Is the tie-breaker each week. We try to pick a special game, whether it be a high or low-scoring affair of some kind, or a notable rivalry. Make sure to add the cumulative points total for the designated *pointz game.

$5 per week and that's it.
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THE SHEET® is the flagship for this entire idea incarnated as Five Second Delay. It is the reason we are here. Without it, this blog doesn't even exist. Respect it. Love it. Most importanly, improve on it.

Welcome to the show y'all.