Five Second Delay. . .

Hiatus Greatest Hits #1

2010-06-02T11:06:00.002-04:00

While we are off being uncreative and uninspired (like most musical acts after a two to three album run), please take some time to revisit some of our past posts which are sure to enlighten, amuse, or annoy just as much, if not even more than they did the first time.

In other words, allow us to reintroduce you to... us.
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Originally published June 16, 2009-

DOIN' WORK

This winter, the blogger known only as "Deuce" allowed us unprecedented access to his most sacred activity. We have been granted the ability to film, record audio, and observe while he engages in the activity that he does best. Namely, droppin' deuce.

He told us in advance that the best time to gather the footage would be in the early evening after he got out of work, most likely on a Wednesday, since Wednesday's were taco salad days at his place of employment, and he never misses a taco salad day.

Deuce enters the bathroom. We have 3 cameras, two boom mics, and a crew of 6 in the bathroom with him.

Oops. Excuse me, guys. I better saddle up quickly. Got a turtlehead poppin' out.

Oh shit. This is gonna be for real, guys. You picked an extra special day. I just hope you can withstand the assault. This may take a while.

/farts

I don't dwell on the days that I don't write... I'm an optimist. I figure if I don't write one day, then I'll write the next. If I don't write that next day then I'll probably write on the third day, and if I don't write on the third day, then I'll definitely write on the fourth day... Maybe.

/plop

People are always accusing me of not finishing, or fulfilling my duties. Like that fucker, b. Lee. Always giving me shit. But wait until I'm done with this masterpiece. No one will be able to accuse me of that once this little documentary hits the market.

Hey could you hand me that bong? Yeah, I always keep one in here just in case I don't make it to the bedroom before the deed needs doin'. Always packed. Plus, it makes it smell a little better in here, and I'm sure y'all can appreciate that.

/inhales

Wanna poke?

/exhales

/squirting noise

Oh man. I do apologize.

b. Lee is always saying, "Deuce you gotta write more." Or, "I'm gonna need that preview on the NL West by tomorrow." Or, "Put the bong down and pull the dick out of your ass." But, I'm like, shit, "I do what I want." And do you even see a dick in my ass? I mean, seriously. Take a look. No? All right, suit yourself. But, how could I even be dropping all this product into the bowl with something like that in my ass? Maybe if it were b. Lee's tiny, Irish cock... THEN, it would be possible.

/squeaking sound?

Oh god. Almost there guys. Are you getting good footage? Good... No one should miss this shit. I ain't much for making plays on the field or excelling in the classroom, but I will dominate a toilet. Kobe ain't got shit on me in that regard.

Typically, I like to concentrate when I'm in here. Can't say that all this attention hasn't affected my performance, but I'm a professional so, it ain't no thang. I think you will all be pleased with the result.

/stands and looks down

WooooooWee!

/grabs a few handfuls of TP

/reaches around and wipes

So what's on the horizon for myself? I don't know. Maybe some television, and probably a little bit of chorizo soup.

Oh, you meant in terms of blogging? Haha. Yeah, well I'm working on some bullshit, but I don't know if it will get done or not. I'm sure b. Lee will be jumping up my ass about it, but I'll make sure that I'm unwiped when the time comes.

Thanks, guys. Good luck with the editing and all that. Make me look good, Spike.

Take 'er easy.

/opens door

/toilet has not been flushed

Someone else will take care of it. I never throw away what I've created!

Special advanced footage from the upcoming documentary Deuce: Doin' Work:

Betting in Sideways World

2010-05-12T22:52:00.002-04:00

Super Saver down the stretch.....and he WINS! Not only him but me, a man that just got blitzed by the NCAA tournament in such a way that Charles Barkley would have been proud of my losses. But, a timely Woody Page tip and my horse comes in first and at 8-1 odds my account sky rocketed. BUT....lets be honest karma is karma and while some ask for good karma, little do they know is the absence of karma is the most desirable thing in the world. Therefore, good karma leads to bad karma and until one can even out the karma a perfect existence of eternity is not obtainable. With that said, my Super Saver karma led me into riding the Suns hot and building a great little account. Little did I know that the Cavaliers and the Bruins would ruin my world. Its kind of like betting on red after five blacks at the roulette table and seeing that dreadful green zero hit. Thats just life. Well the moral of this story is DON'T take the teams you think are going to win. Bet with your heart (ie if you are like me and you hate the red wings, just bet against them, if you find the canucks disgusting despite those two green man fans, then effing bet against them, and finally if you love watching hockey on tv at great Canadian sites like Montreal (where the ohs and ahhhs of the fans carry over to the TV in an excellent manner that makes the game feel more exciting) then by all means go with your heart and not your head. The point is, DON'T pick Bruins in game six, don't go with the Penguins in game seven and for sure don't go with the under in the Pens v. Habs game. It was a tough night and well, I used to just have tough nights during the dog days of football fall, but now my addiction is roaring its aggressive snarl into the spring. Here's to taking the Celtics, Suns, Canadiens, and well the Twins or any other team that lost in the second game of a double header (seriously look at the winning percentage in the second game of the team that lost the first). I bid you ado until the next time...Go everything Minnesota and pick Super Saver in the Preakness. Just. Do. It.

Willie Shakes: Fantasy Laureate

2010-04-22T14:43:00.002-04:00

When we're not embracing the world of fantasy sports or engaging in various psilocybin-based activities around these parts, we're continuously trying to improve our knowledge of the sports world around us. Sometimes this can be difficult and so in those times we defer to the members of our intellectual class to provide the answers when all we have to offer is questions. Now get your pencils and paper ready, children. Because it's time for the triumphant return of Wille Shakes, ~~Fantasy~~ Mock Draft Laureate.

Well folks, what type of prognosticator would I be if I didn't take a shot at the NFL round 1 Mock Draft. I mean, EVERYBODY'S doing it...it's like coke in the 80's. Mel Kiper eat your heart out..

1. Rams
Sam Bradford QB OK

Rams have passed on two franchise QBs... blah... blah. While I think Bradford is incredibly frail, his accuracy and arm are top in the draft. The value at the #1 pick is only at QB and OT, and if the Rams cannot move down, they are forced into Bradford. Interesting to see him get hit (consistently) and be forced to move around a lot in the pocket..He was sacked very few times at OK, and for the most part simply stood behind a wall of massive first/second round lineman.

2. Lions
Ndamukong Suh DT NEB

Lions go for the most disruptive interior lineman in the draft. Instant impact.

3. Bucs
Gerald McCoy DT OK

Safest Pick in my Mock, the Bucs get a monster 3-technique for their Tampa 2 Defense. Considered by most to be the second best prospect in the draft behind Berry.

4. Redskins
Trent Williams T OK

The skins NEED a tackle to replace former pro-bowler Samuels. Okung is a possibility, however Williams' athleticism and longer arms make him the pick here.

5. Chefs
Eric Berry S Tenn.

Great Googlie Mooglie! Considered the "can't miss" player in this draft class, Berry's size, and speed are unmatched at this position. While some may point to Taylor Mays' speed, note that Berry is unmatched in coverage, and rivals the best corners in this draft in coverage.

(Do not count Jerry Jones out from trying to get to this pick and grab Berry)

6. Seahawks
Russell Okung T OK St.

Considered for most of the winter to be the top OT in this draft, the Seahawks are pumped to pencil in Okung in the spot vacated by Walter Jones. (There is a chance, the Browns/Hawks swap spots here, Hawks picking up a 4th rounder or something. Browns try to get Clausen).

7. Browns
Jimmy! Clausen QB ND

Smokescreens all winter, Holmegren wants a QB, needs a QB, and from what I read, likes Clausen here. Mel Kiper has him rated above Bradford, and this league is run by QBs.

8. Raiders
Anthony Davis OT Rutgers

Davis is the smartest choice, though the raiders never make that choice...Davis is the most athletic OT still on the board, and will be an instant starter. The Head Crypt Keeper needs to let his football people make this pick.

9. Bills
Dan Williams NT Tenn.

This is the pick for Chan Gaily and the 3-4 Defense he is bringing to Buffalo. Buffalo has a lot of holes, but Williams is the nose tackle needed to eat up blockers and get the 3-4 going for ole' Chan.

10. Giants (from Jags)
Rolando McClain LB 'Bama

In the first of what could be many trades in this first round, the Giants jump up to get the one guy in this round they absolutely need. They replace Pierce with a 245lb star MLB that runs a 4.6. Also making this possible is the Jags want/need to move down and try to get another pick or two late. If they stay put look for D.Morgan out of G. Tech.

11. Dallas (from broncos)
Dez Bryant WR OK St.

The hits keep comin'..Mark my words, Jerry Jones wants to steal the spotlight tonight. If he gets his way the cowboys move up (if possible into the top 5 to get Berry). With Berry gone, Dallas has the choice of Saftey (biggest need) in Thomas from Texas, or the best WR in the draft DeezNuts Bryant. Jerry wants to make a splash and Bryant is the choice. Everyone else in the Dallas office wants a safety.

12. Dolphins
Earl Thomas S Texas

The dolphins filled their need at WR, look for them to try to move down, possibly with the Eagles trying to get to Thomas. If not, they need help in the secondary, and Thomas is that help.

13. 49ers
Joe Haden CB Florida

The Niners have two picks in this first round. They rejoice in Haden falling this far, their pick is in before Stalin even gets to the podium, er, I mean Goodell..

14. Seahawks
CJ Spiller RB Clemson

The Seahawks having scooped up Okung, now look to upgrade their terrible run game. Spiller is a home run hitter and Mr. Caroll knows how to use them.

15. Jags (from Giants)
Derrick Morgan DE GA. Tech

Jags trade down and still get a coveted DE, this is a dream scenario for Del Rioville, as Morgan is most teams top pass rusher this draft.

16. Titans
Brandon Graham OLB Michigan

Graham's ability has some teams drooling, my sources tell me the Pats covet Grahmn and could try to move up. The Titans see a top tier pass rusher. Jason Pierre-Paul is also a possible pick here, as the Tits see him as a Kearse-type project.

17. 49ers
Bryan Bulaga T/G Iowa

I personally hate this pick, Bulaga might fall out of the first round. His short arms, and tape of Graham steamrolling him vs Michigan has teams questioning his athleticism. I've seen him referred to as the Next Robert Gallery, but the 9ers need a tackle. If titans take Pierre-Paul, I can also see the Pats moving here for Graham.

18. Steelers
Maurkice Pouncey C Florida

A. He won't rape anyone.
B. The Steelers need help inside, Pouncey is not only the best Center in the draft, he could be the best Guard.

19. Falcons
Kyle Wilson CB Boise St.

The falcons need help in the secondary, some teams have Wilson rated higher than Hayden (better man coverage skills). Wilson will start from day one. Also look at Pierre-Paul if he's still here.

20. Texans
Ryan Matthews RB Fresno St.

Cannot have another sub par rushing season or oft injured Schaub will spend another year on the IR.

21. Bengals
Jermaine Gresham TE OK

The Bengals will do anything for Carson Palmer, they get the consensus top TE in the draft, a big pass catcher who can stretch the middle for Palmer.

22. Patriots
Sergio Kindle OLB TEX

I feel like the Pats will be active on day one, with a wealth of 2nd round picks... but it's not their M.O. Word is the pats covet Gresham, and if they don't move to get him, I see Kindle being the pass rushing OLB they look at, after a Stellar season from Brian Orakpo last year in Washington.

23. Packers
Jerry Hughes OLB TCU

Dom Capers needs an outside linebacker to pressure the QB. With Matthews anchoring the other side, Hughes is an instant starter. A young, tough, fast LB crew for Dom. Don't count out T. Mays here, however. Hughes is too good to pass up.

24. Eagles
Taylor Mays S USC

While the word is Philly wants to move, I see them standing pat. With the two top safeties gone, Mays' combo of size/speed makes him the choice here. He needs work in coverage, but he's an absolute freak of nature.

25. Ravens
Jason Pierre-Paul DE USF

The Ravens always preach "Best Available." If for some reason Pierre-Paul is still here, the Ravens will gladly scoop him up. (Paul could go to the Titans or Falcons, or anyone, he's a workout warrior, with only 4 years of playing football). However, in all likelihood, Paul is gone at this point, look for the Ravens to take
McCourty (CB Rutgers).

26. Cardinals
Sean Weatherspoon OLB Mizzou

With Dansby and Rolle leaving in the offseason the Cards need to fill two starting spots. Safety is a reach at this point, and Weatherspoon is a complete LB.

27. Broncos (from Cowboys)
Demaryius Thomas WR Ga. Tech

Broncos still get tall top-tier WR to replace Marshall, however, if an impact LB is still on the board, say if Mays goes to the Packers, and Hughes or Weatherspoon are available, the Broncos could go there. Also, don't count them out of moving back out of the 1st round all-together in a deep draft a-la Bill Belichick...Brandon Spikes out of Florida is an MLB they can try to grab early in Round 2.

28. Chargers
Devin McCourty CB Rutgers

They have three realistic needs in RB/DT/CB which makes them tough to predict here. I don't see them moving up, as they'll have their choice of positions of need here. I think McCourty is the pick, but don't be shocked by J.Best..

Possibles:
T.Cody DT OK
Price DT UCLA
J.Best RB Cal

29. Jets
Terrence Cody

Don't count out a big nose tackle like Cody here, as you can never have enough impact space eaters in a 3-4 defense. The most active team in the offseason looks to add youth and depth to that league leading defense. I like Cody if they don't go CB.

30. Vikings
Colt McCoy QB Texas

And there it is, the third QB in the first round. The Vikes get the QB of the future, who can sit behind BFF and learn. McCoy won more games in college than another QB in history. He's incredibly accurate and mobile, however his height keeps him out of the top of the draft. If he's 6'3 or better, he's the #1 overall pick in my mind.

31. Colts
Charles Brown OT USC

Boring, they go o-line in some way. They need a mobile OT, and Brown is a bit of a road grader-type, it's possible they go inside with Iuapati.

32. Saints
Brian Price DT UCLA

The Saints jump at Price, who fills a need in their defense. Don't count out a team looking to move into the first and select Tim Tebow here...

Had to get Tebow into my mock!

--

Willie Shakes, ladies and gents! Now back into your cage! Fantasy football drafts are only four months away and you got research to do.

Uh Oh!

2010-04-22T12:05:00.000-04:00

Although I would, of course, prefer to talk about WWF caricatures, we unfortunately will be talking about the Chicago Cubs. Ah yes, the shitty Cubs; perennial chokemisers and incessant tinkerers of the NL Sad Bastard Society are at it once again. Carlos Zambrano, aka the toughest man in Chicago, off to his worst start since his rookie season (and by far) has been moved to the bullpen after just 4 starts. No word as to whether an addition needed to b added to the bullpen in order to accommodate Big Z's BLOATED salary, but this is such an odd situation.

Z has been the Cubs best starter for nearly a decade now, and has been known to start slow (see 2009), but has always kept his ERA below 4, gives 200 innings every season and is always in the hunt for the strike out title each and every year. So what the shit is going on here? Fine, Z isn't the stud he was expected to be, but are his number not at least serviceable and/or at least good enough to be considered a solid 2-3 starter?

The best part? Let's look at Z's splits this season

Pitches 1-15: .476 AVG
Pitches 16-30: .378 AVG
Pitches 31-45: .214 AVG

In other words, he is getting stronger as the game goes along. Yet, Cubs management has decided that it is wiser to put him in the pen where he will rarely get beyond the 30 pitches required before he starts to improve. HA! Classic!

And what about his bat? Using him a pinch hitter almost becomes more problematic now, because if he was already used and is relieved, then he can't pinch hit. Or, if they decided to use him as a pinch hitter, then he needs to be put into the game as a reliever, otherwise, he can't be brought in later. What a mess!

Oh, Cubbies. You've had your fair share of bad luck, but trends are trends and like my main man Thom says, "You do it to yourself."

Redirections, ETC.

2010-04-21T16:17:00.000-04:00

Blogs are forming at a trickle right now, as are coherent thoughts from my brain pan. But we do have this for you. It's the Chella Blog's first entry! Wanna know what it's like to be dirty, overstimulated and frazzled beyond control? Well then I recommend some glue, some kiddie porn and a trip to your local DMV.

Wanna know what it was like to be at Coachella? Go here, young man!

Headlines. . . !

2010-04-21T10:04:00.001-04:00

Red Sox forfeiting remainder of season after slow start, knee-jerk commentary...

Kyle Singler passes up opportunity to play in NBA, seeks Duke bench position...

Ryan Miller is open for business...

Kevin Garnett considering throwing elbows more often...

Mel Kiper thinks Todd McShay lacks analytical explosiveness...

IOC's bullshit 'a complex series of interretarded events'...

Kovalchuk dressing like a devil, playing like a pussy...

Cleveland to Noah: Prettier'n you are...

Carlos Zambrano blames poor start on racist umpires, Torii Hunter...

Ecstasy's a helluva a drug...

Insignificant Monster Dunk Better than Brilliant Game Clinching Goal

2010-04-20T14:12:00.002-04:00

Apparently.

Oh, hello there! You must be looking for something to read, right? What? My absence and lack of other-consciousness was not sufficient for you. I do apologize, but things got a little real over the weekend and I just had to keep my head down and hands up until it passed. It hasn't yet passed, but I'm a professional, not some mid-level band stuck at an airport in Glasgow waiting for the ash to pass.

So, good news: Continental Airlines still does meals on their flights. It was a turkey-dog, but so be it. They also have Directv on board. Unlike Jet Blue you have to pay for it, but if you're tele-slob like myself, then it's more than worth it. Granted, you will only get service for half the flight, but 57 minutes of basketball action and ESPNews was apparently worth the worry. At the time, I was hoping to see some hockey, but basketball was an acceptable substitute. At least in the short term, because if I can't watch hockey, then I should at least receive some highlights. Hence, the flipping back and forth between TNT and ESPN.

But take a grand ol' guess which sport ESPN feels the need to cover obsessively? Hockey? Noooo. How could they?!? Mike Brown is about talk about game 2 of the forgone conclusion that is Cavs-Bulls round one! Ooo, I hope he talks about Lebron.

Everyone remember the Olympics, right? The US beating Canada, then losing in a heartbreaker, but still winning Silver? Remember how they would have all the Oylmpians on for interviews, and they would all wear their medals. Stupid, right? But they did it anyway. We all saw at that very moment how exciting hockey is. Not how exciting hockey can be. But how exciting hockey is. Whether rampant nationalism is a part of the equation or not, what occurs on the ice is worth watching and worth discussing.

You know what isn't? A dunk. It's something to marvel at. It's something to be impressed by. It's two points. So imagine my amazement when top plays determines that Bron Bron's posterization of James Johnson (who?), which occurred in the game that everyone knew was going to end with the Cavs pulling away in the forth. Anyone think the Bulls were gonna win that game? Anyone not seen Lebron dunk before?
Anyone ever see a 42 year-old man dumptruck a 23 year-old onto the ice to recover the puck, turn, make a brilliant pass to his centerman, who then delivers a hot and hard one-timer that eventually wins the game for the underdog against the former Olympic "hero" that was, Ryan Miller?

You decide which is the better "play"

This aggression will not stand, man. Lebron will be dunking on people for years to come. Earlier in the highlight reel, Nene dunked on the Mehmet Okur part II and it was just as cool (even if it was an offensive foul) as Lebron's diggity. But, I guess that's why we here at FSD exist: to continuously correct the overwhelming whorishness of the WWL. We're the Satellite radio station that just plays Phish over and over again to the terrestrial station that only play Sex On Fire. Ultimately they're both useless, but one is definitely having a lot more fun.

Coachella Blog and more hockey coverage to come... Once the opiates have finally run their course.

En Route: Chellin'

2010-04-16T12:33:00.000-04:00

As you read this, I'm experiencing the musical equivalent of blissfully soiled undies... Which could very well consist of blissfully soiled undies.

The good news is that my campsite is just around the way. It has cleaned undies and lots and lots of cold beer. So as you can see, my weekend is once again going to be better than yours. But don't be upset! Enjoy it with me!

After you enjoy these:

First this happens, then Buffalo loses... The gods favor Boston (Hockey World Blog)
I'm nuts for D(z) nuts (Empty the Bench)
Man, I wanna be Darren Sharper (The Big Lead)
The true meaning of The Masters (Joe Sports Fan)

Friday:
2pm - Deer Tick
3pm - Avett Bros.
4:20pm - Yeasayer
6pm - The Specials
7pm - Passion Pit
8pm - Them Crooked Vultures
10pm - Jay-Z

Saturday:
12:30pm - RX Bandits
2pm: Portugal, the Man
2:45pm: Frightened Rabbit
4pm: White Rabbits
5pm: E. Sharpe and the Magnetic 0's
7pm: Corinne
8pm: Faith No More
9pm: MGMT
9:30pm: Muse
11pm: Tiesto

Sunday:
1pm: The Soft Pack
2pm: Local Natives
3pm: MuteMath
4:30pm: Flo and her Machine
5:30pm: That guy from the Stokes
6:30pm: Spoon
7pm: Phoenix
7:30pm: PAVEMENT
9pm: Thom Yorke and his band
10:30pm: Gorillaz

Schedule subject to change... Mainly because this was written on Tuesday. Festival blog to follow. Happy NHL playoffs, y'all

Better Know a Contender. PERIOD

2010-04-15T12:13:00.000-04:00

Back in the 1990's, Chicago was the center of the basketball universe. Actually, it wasn't just the center of the basketball universe, for it was the center of the sports universe. Michael Jordan was the biggest star in that universe, so when he left the game, he also killed it. Fans placed their basketball hopes on the likes of Allen Iverson, understandably, but also unjustly. But Michael didn't just kill basketball. He also killed hockey. Namely, hockey in Chicago.

He didn't mean to do it. It kinda just happened. Since His Airness retired (the second time), the Blackhawks had made the NHL playoffs only once up until last season (9 years +1 for the Lockout season). They were promptly eliminated in the first round in that postseason as well (2002). The Hawks were so bad that people that just kind of forgot about them. And then everyone seemed to forget that Chicago, for all its success in the NBA, was actually a hockey town.

No doubt that Chicago's attendance at Hawks games declined during this time. Shoot, didn't the owner stop televising the games? But even with the high ticket prices that followed, along with an enduring lack of success, Hawks fans were still repping their squad. So that when the team finally brought in some talent, the United Center was hopping harder than any Bulls game since Byron Russell's facial cream pie (Yes, I know that took place in Utah, but game 5 in Chicago didn't end so well). And you could see why. Because in 2007, well, the Blackhawks became the most exciting team in hockey.

With the addition of draft picks Jonathan Toews and Patrick Kane, the emergence of Duncan Keith and Patrivck Sharp, and the addition of Kris Versteeg, the Blackhawks became contenders over night. Immediately, the Blackhawks became explosive, featuring a lightning strike offense also capable to pinning teams in their own end, thanks to presence of Toews and puck possession of Kane. And that continues to this very moment. What other team could have the MOST shots on net, with the FEWEST allowed (They're + NINE)? And also allowed the fifth fewest goals, scored the third most? Only that I can think of...

But if they're so outstanding, then how come they're number 2 right now, instead of number 1? Because even though the Hawks are top 5 in GAA, it's only because their goaltending has two settings: closed or open. The Blackhawks as a team had 11 shutouts this season. Yet, their best goalie only rocks a .912 save percentage (good for 20th in the league). How is that even possible. It's possible because of the Blackhawks style of play. They're both a big team and a fast team, which is generally awesome, but can also cause problems... Especially with respect to transition defense. The Blackhawks can score in just a few short minutes after the drop of a puck, but they can be scored on in just a matter of seconds.

This is the delicate balance that this team walks. And while explosive on the offensive end, orindarily leads to stability on the defensive end for the Blackhawks, there is nothing ordinary about the NHL playoffs.

Players to Watch:

Patrick Kane - ... if you can. Not that he didn't have a good playoff last year (9G, 5A), but a -9? Kane needs to be the driving force of the offense because he has the ability to make plays by preserving the puck in the defensive end, forcing defenses into puck-chasing. That's when he should theoretically setup Toews down low. However, if Kane is unsuccessful, then he's gotta remember to backcheck.

Duncan Keith - Which player had the second most points as a defender in the NHL? Not a trick question. But Keith is going to have to strike a balance between offensive production and defensive caution. While Chicago's goaltenders have struggled this season, they have been better of late. But how they fare in the playoffs remains to be seen. Either way, Keith needs to mind his own end, while also picking his offensive spots.

Antti Niemi - Does Chicago have the goaltending to win the Cup? Remember those 11 team shutouts? Well, Niemi has seven of them, and in only 37 starts. So, Niemi is certainly an improvement, but is he enough? And can an unseasoned goalie really be the foundation of a Stanley Cup team?

Guess we're about to find out.

It Is Growing...

2010-04-14T11:55:00.001-04:00

The list of idiots in Major League Baseball (that just so happen to be African American), that is.

Just prior to the start of the season, Torii Hunter made the outrageous, and ultimately unsupportable claim that MLB owners and GMs are specifically avoiding African American athletes because they can sign Latin American athletes for cheaper money. He went further by claiming that Latin American players are "impostors". Whatever the fuck that means... He later went on to blame bloggers for making him look like the bad guy. Sorry, Torii, but your dumbass did that on its own.

So, instead of GMs and owners actually trying to win ball games, their ultimate goal is to simply not sign African American players, and in doing so, save money. Is that the idea being expressed here? And, when they sign white ball players for big money? How does the logic accommodate such transactions?

The problem is so widespread, that all-around champion of African American rights, Orlando Hudson felt the need to chime in earlier on Tuesday afternoon:

You see guys like Jermaine Dye without a job... We both know what it is. You'll get it right. You'll figure it out. I'm not gonna say it because then I'll be in [trouble].

It's difficult to understand where O Dawg is coming from... And, I don't know, maybe there's a reason for that. But again, what is the logic? If a player can actually help your team, then why wouldn't a GM bring in that talent? One possibility could be price. Is the player asking for too much money? This would support Torii Hunter's groundbreaking extrapolation of First World-Third World relations in the political economic realm. Another possibility could be character issues. Is the player a problem in the clubhouse? Now, for a Jermaine Dye, this wouldn't seem to make any sense. Jermaine Dye? Who has ever had a problem with him? Is Hudson just trying to say that a white GM simply doesn't want a black player on his team? And what about Milton Bradley? Not only is he the biggest problem child of all African American players in the MLB, but he is simply the biggest problem child of ALL players in the MLB. So why then has he been signed by approximately 6 different (white) GMs in the last 7 years? Have they just assumed that a guy named Milton Bradley has just gotta be white? Maybe they thought they were signing the Monopoly guy?

Listen, I'm not for one second going to deny that racism exists. In fact, it's everywhere. Even on the tongues of Torii Hunter and Orlando Hudson. Racism is a completely ignorant response to perceived differences in the world around us, and often times, gives rise to incredibly ugly language and actions. We all have our ignorant beliefs, tendencies, and knee-jerk reactions. But only the dumbest of us voice those ideas without truly thinking it through. I'd like to thank Mr. Hunter and Mr. Hudson for showing us their true colors before I ever confused them with reasonable human beings ever again.

Better Know a Contender. PERIOD

2010-04-14T09:27:00.000-04:00

The right to own a gun is largely framed in terms of self-defense measures. I have a right to protect my family and so I should be allowed to have a gun in my possession. Sounds fair enough. But what it leaves out is that guns are not defensive weapons. An alarm system is a defensive weapon. Guns were created to kill. Not to kill intruders with, but to intrude with. Take what is needed, and be on your way. A store clerk can have a gun behind the counter, but if the bandit has a gun in his face already, then that gun is staying where it's been all along and the money in the register is going out the door. Even if the bandit's gun is not loaded or is even a fake, fear is induced and the first step toward victory is achieved.

The Washington Capitals have been causing teams across the NHL to stash a gun behind the counter should they come across them anytime soon. The Capitals seem to have all the weapons in the world at their disposal; scoring on the break, scoring from the circles, scoring from the point, and using the greatest weapon in the sport to instill a sense of fear and panic in defender and goalies league-wide.

A game with no penalties on either side? They'll beat you 3-2... At least.
Give them four power plays in the same game? They'll score once... At least.
In fact, be prepared to allow 4 goals when you play them... At least!

So, it's all very clear that while they're holding up the bank, they got enough firepower to crack the safe and maybe even shoot it out with the police for a few hours before getting out of there scot-free.

But what about their hideout? Every crook's got a hideout, right? It's the key to their safety. A place where the money can be counted, information can be gathered, and caps can be tortured... Sorry, Reservoir Dogs has been on the tube quite a bit lately. And, of course, it better be well-hidden, or well-protected.

2.77 goals allowed per game? (16th in the league)
78.8% on the shorthand? (25th in the league)
And only 4 shorties to show for it?
A starting goalie with a 2.88 GAA?

We found the soft spot, boys. Now let's hit them where it hurts.

For the Capitals are nothing to fear. You're going to take your licks, and let up some goals, because with all those bullets whizzing at you, it's just bound to happen. But just understand, that if you can get passed their frontline, then there's nothing beyond it but a clear path to their undoing. Because there's no one that's going to stop you. Especially when their secret hideout is being defended by a couple of cap guns.

Players to Watch:

Nicklas Backstrom - The smoothest player on skates. While that other guy they have is like a rock'em sock'em robot on the ice, Backstrom plays the game with grace; always in control and always in the right place at the right time. He's the consistent cog on this team and the one that kept the whole thing churning for 82 straight games, even when that other guy was busy serving suspensions. And Backstrom is the guy that will bring this team to the Finals... Unless he disappears as he did during last year's playoffs.

Mike Knuble - The offseason acquisition that was supposed to put this team over the top. Well, so far it looks as if he did. Averaging over 50 points over the last 7 seasons, Knuble was brought in to add depth to a formerly one-line team. If Knuble can keep the offense going when that other guy is off the ice, then Washington's questionable defense can remain sheltered for at least the first few rounds of the playoffs.

The Invisible Man - Or, that other guy. You gonna show up this time around, Ovie? Or, are we gonna see a little Vancouver 2010 redux? Gonna tuck your tale between your legs at the first sign of trouble? Maybe pick a fight with a young tourist on the way home? You're the new Peyton Manning, soldier. One more disappointing postseason and we're gonna start calling you Marino. Sort it out.

Sidney's better.

My Weekend was Better than Yours

2010-04-13T11:27:00.002-04:00

When is that ever not the case though?

It was a music bonanza this weekend at The Paradise in Terrier territory, shaking off the odd venue layout and gaining traction nonetheless. Friday night, Midlake took the crowd on a captivating trip to Middle Earth with their Zeppelin-inspired brand of psychedelic folk rock. Better than I thought it was gonna be, especially when they rocked out on this track for about 9 minutes.

Core of Nature - Midlake

The next night was the big one; Ted Leo and the Pharmagoats took the stage in working class fashion, setting up their own gear, face-to-face with the audience, making small talk here and there. It was a nice, polite beginning prior to the headpounding assault that accosted the crowded house for over 18 songs' worth of music. Ted Leo earned my gaysex-get-out-of-jail-free-card that evening. Keep it secret, Ted. Keep it safe.

You know that song by Kelly Clarkson? You know the one. Well, they finished the night with that one, aided by a vocalist from the Screaming Females... A comical end to a heavy night... I don't have that one for your auditory pleasure, but I do have this:

Where Was My Brain - Ted Leo &...

Fanfarlo finished off the weekend, by also finishing off their tour. What an honor. I really did not know what to expect considering the chamber instrumentation on their album, but they did a good enough job. Plentry of violin and trumpet to allow the brain to resolve the live music with the studio version. Ted Leo was a tough act to follow, but Fanfarlo did their part, finishing off a breakneck weekend with a soothing deceleration of tempo that helped me come down, without falling flat.

Harold T. Wilkins, Or How To W...

Not sure if I'm gonna be able to top this one for sometime, but I'll try... Wait a second..

What's that on the horizon?

Suckers.

Better Know a Contender. PERIOD

2010-04-13T09:15:00.000-04:00

The shark is the most efficient and feared predator in the sea. It doesn't back down, it never passes up a meal, and it will bite you in the ass if the given the opportunity. Sharks have rows of razor sharp that are not only good killing prey, but also good for processing and digesting that prey... In other words, sharks don't choke.

At least in the regular season they don't.

Ah yes, but it is now the playoffs, when selachimorpha asphyxiation increases at an alarming rate. While statistics have only been kept since 2001, so we cannot be sure if this phenomenon is a result of modern considerations such as global climate change, we can still predict with near certainty a rapid increase of mortality in the Spring:

2001: 5th in Western Conference = 4-2 loss in Quarterfinals
2002: 3rd in Western Conference = 4-3 loss in Semifinals
2003: 14th in Western Conference = Shitty season
2004: 2nd in Western Conference = 4-2 loss in Conference Finals
2005: Insufficient Data.
2006: 5th in Western Conference = 4-2 loss in Semifinals
2007: 5th in Western Conference = 4-2 loss in Semifinals
2008: 2nd in Western Conference = 4-2 loss in Semifinals
2009: 1st in Western Conference = 4-2 loss in Quarterfinals
2010: 1st in Western Conference = ???

So, weather it's the stars getting in their eyes, killer ducks, oils slicks, or wingbones, their is a stimulus occurring that causes this species to lose their apex predatory status once the weather warms each and every year. One particular curiosity is the disappearance of what is known as the "Jumbo Shark". Throughout most of the year the Jumbo Shark is ever-present, guiding his school toward impressive gains, setting up a kill better than any other shark in the ocean. Yet historically, this great leader loses its edge in the April and May months and his school, in turn, loses its way, as well. Whether this is mere correlation, or abject causation has yet to be scientifically determined.

But, what cannot be discounted, is the morose trend, that each and every season, no matter how dominant the sharks species may appear to be in the winter, that they become ultra-vulnerable in the spring months and are essentially dead in the water.

It's fascinating!

Players to watch:

Evgeni Nabokov - The Sharks workhorse has started over 60 games each season over the last three, posting a save percentage of well over .900. However, in the playoffs, either all that work begins to take its toll, or Nabokov simply mishandles the pressure. But we all know it's not all his fault...

Patrick Marleau - Marleau has been the leading scorer on the Sharks for the last two seasons... In the regular season. In the playoffs over the last two season, Marleau has only been able to provide 6 goals across 17 games. But we all know it's not all his fault...

Jumbo Shark - "Joe" has been one of the best playmakers in the league for years now. He's also been one of the biggest douchebags in the league for even longer. So, suffice it to say that his postseason misfortunes have been well-deserved. But, to be fair, Joe has been getting a bad rap over the last few postseasons, for Joe has played in 26 games over the last three postseasons, and in those 26 games, he has 26 points. Not bad, especially considering what Marleau and company have been able to accomplish. The problem is that Joe is fighting against something greater than statistics, sluggish teammates, and a sour public opinion; it's called Karma, and from I hear, it's a huge bitch... Good luck this year, Joe, for we all know that it's all your fault.

Tiger-Style No Match for Beef Curtain Technique

2010-04-12T11:44:00.001-04:00

When the focus of the tournament often veered toward whether or not Tiger Woods was a cocksucker worth rooting against or worth rooting for, Tiny Tits Phil kept us all interested in what was occurring on the course rather than what occurred in that porn star's boombox.

While the leaderboard didn't shake too much, there was still plenty of flux provided largely in part by some explosive play from the likes of Anthony Kim, the champion Mickelson, and even Tiger himself. If it were not for Phil's back 9 pullaway (not pull out, kids) yesterday, then Tiger could have very well been in contention, that is if he didn't 3-putt from four feet on the 14th green. He must have gotten away from his Buddhism for a minute or two or something... Or he just had some salty sweet vagina on his mind.

All in all, a very good showing the Pussmagnet (or is it magnate?). Karma would not allow another green jacket this time around, but considering the strong condition in which we find his game, it should only be a couple weeks until we see Tiger in the final pairing on a Sunday afternoon. But for now, we're celebrating Phil... You know, the guy whose wife was actually on hand for his performance in lieu of her weakened condition. It would appear that Phil's breast reduction surgery was a success after all.

En Route: Frozin'

2010-04-09T16:17:00.000-04:00

Hockey, for better or worse, is still better than your favorite sport, even when it's in collegiate form. Indeed, it's the sub zero answer to CBS' corporate-sponsored gaggle of non-stop commercials with a little men's basketball mixed in this weekend at Ford Field in Detroit.

But first... Some respect:

If you look us, then you'll like this... (Free Darko)
A list of (formerly, now probably) one-armed men... (Big League Stew)
Think Tiger's commercial is horrifying (and/or pathetic)? Try some funny then... (Deadspin)
And for more information then I'm about to provide below... (Hockey World Blog)

It will be Boston College's 4th trip to finals in the last five years. That would be even more impressive if they walk away this year with more than one title in those four appearances. Their opponent? Them same stinking Badgers that wiped out the Eagles four years ago in Milwaukee. Wait, they have hockey in Wisconsin?

Apparently they do, and apparently it's no joke either.

In fact, Boston College and Wisconsin not only arrived in the finals with equally impressive victories (7-1 and 8-1, respectively), but they managed to accumulate nearly identical records with the Eagles coming into Saturday's matchup with a record of 28-10-3, and the Badgers 28-10-4 (also ranked 3rd and 2nd, respectively, in the final rankings). This is the Syracuse-Kentucky matchup that everyone was hoping for, but let's just hope it ends up like the Butler-Duke experience that we all got to take part in.

Oh, and before you dismiss the notion, last year's Frozen Four finale was one of the best games all year, and not just with respect to hockey (or, so says a credible source). Baseball can wait, all the starters are resting in basketball, and you could use a breather before the Stanley Cup playoffs start, so treat yourself to something special tomorrow night.

Oh, and it's on ESPN, too. That is unless they decide to simply broadcast a stillshot of the Sex Tiger all night long as ESPN.com has decided to do all day long. It's good to know that is all is forgiven in Bristol.

Pussies.

These Eyes Can See

2010-04-09T10:30:00.000-04:00

Panthers 3.
Devils 2.

That is, the 13th place Florida Panthers against the (for now) 2nd place New Jersey Devils.

And there isn't even any room for excuses (to which a few Buffalo fans might resort), because the Devils are still fighting for position. The Penguins won last night meaning that the are tied for 2nd place, point-wise, although the Devils have the tie-breaker. But, with two games left for both teams, it's just too early to call how this race shakes out.

Most important news?

Brodeur: 15 saves (.833 save %... Yikes).

Kovalchuk: 0 points.

Originally, I was hoping for the Bruins to pull into 6th place to take on the hopeless Sabres (which they did last night), but at this point, the Devils are looking like the easiest target on the board. Sort it out, Satan.

Sex Tiger

2010-04-08T10:33:00.001-04:00

Back on the prowl...

Mother fucker has been out of golf ever since he took a post-collision snooze at the corner of Filthy and Rich. Yet, dude is still the ODDS ON favorite to win the most prestigious golf tournament evuh.

Sex Cat: 4/5
Bitch Tits: 2/1
Afrikaaner: 2/1
Dirty Mic: 11/4
The Beak: 11/2
ViJayJay: 8/1
The Goose: 9/2
Choi Division: 10/1

Truth is, 50% of the time the Sex Panther wins the Masters all the time, so you can't blame Vegas for playing it safe. Or maybe they're just suckering people into it. The funniest thing about this is how uncompetitive golf is when Tiger is around. Even when Jordan came back to basketball, he needed time to get back into the swing of things. But, golf sucks so much that even after a hiatus, Tiger can still bring his shit-stained balls back to first tee and know that the tournament is his to lose.

Okay, if there's anything worse than watching golf, it's writing (and reading!) about golf. Let's go Field!

See What I Mean?

2010-04-07T15:25:00.002-04:00

You know, just so you don't think I'm bullshitting

As the Italians say, assassino. The Sedins play like that, and they got themselves a chance. Of course, they did lose the game in the shootout.

Better Know a Contender. PERIOD

2010-04-07T14:57:00.000-04:00

Stop for a second.

Think about the baseball team down in Tampa. Remember their old name? Now think about the hockey team in New Jersey. Florida: the only state in the union worse than New Jersey. Nice work, team.

New Jersey has always been the team that the Boston Bruins wanted to be; stifling defense, bad reputation, and most importantly, victorious. Oh, and they also got Kovalchuk. Thanks for adding insult to injury, jerk stores.

It's instant Cup-contention with Kovalchuk added to the Devils. Right? Kovy has played in 24 games with the Devils. Their record during that time period is 11-8-5. Five OTL's since the former Thrasher has joined the lineup, and that is also how many OT appearance the Devils have been in during the Kovy era. Before the Russian Invasion: 35-18-2 with only two OTL's in 10 appearances. So, whoa now, what seems to be the trouble? You've added one of the best possession scorers in the league, you already have the greatest goalie of all-time, and have the lowest Goals Against in the NHL...

Ahm, anyone?

In those 24 games, the Devils GAA is 2.4. Still pretty spectacular in relation to the rest of the league. The G/G have been pretty awful at 2.7, but this is actually higher than their season G/G which is 2.6 (and also happens to be pretty bad). So, since the arrival of Kovy, te Devils have seen a slight increase in both goals allowed and goals scored. One would figure that would even out and leave the Devils' success unhindered.

The problem seems to be consistency; they score 5 goals one night, then allow 5 the next, Brodeur lays down a shutout, and his team gets shutout the very next game. This has to concern Devils' fans. Sure, there is a acclimation period for any major change. But, Kovalchuk has been on the team for over two months now. And while his production has been on the limited side (9 goals in 24 games), as noted earlier, his presence has coincided with a slight improvement in scoring for the Devils. Sure, there have been injuries that have aligned with Kovy's arrival: Elias and Skoula have missed time in early February and beyond, so maybe chemistry is still a problem, but things still do not add up.

All of this being said, the Devils are currently filling the 2nd-seed in the Eastern Conference, and are slotted to play the lowly Philadelphia Flyers who have a mere 7 points in their last 10 games, and who have only... beaten... the Devils... on... 5... separate... occassions... this... season (outscored 20-13 in those games).

Yikes.

Players to Watch:

Zach Parise - The other stud on the US team currently leads the team in goals scored as a Devil (eat shit, Ilya). Parise has a tendency to score in bunches, so he fits right in line with the inconsistency of his team (and/or is the cause of it). This could be a good sign come playoff time, or a bad one.

Ill Yeah - He's only 26 years old and has averaged well over 40 goals a season for the last 6 years. In other words, he's a top 5 player in the NHL. Problem is he doesn't have anything to show for it. Does he get another title for the Devils this season and one for himself? Or, does he simply earn that monster 8-year contract that is inevitably on its way in the offseason? How big that contract turns out to be has a lot to do with how he performs in the playoffs given his scant experience thus far.

Marty - Best. Goalie. Ever. But at 38, with over 70 starts on the season under his belt, does he have the juice to get to another Stanley Cup? Will he fall flat as he did in the Olympics? One thing is for certain, he is the KEY to the Devils' Cup hopes. Every cup team needs a good goalie. The Devils happen to have the best goalie... At least he was anyway.

Undercover Lover

2010-04-07T11:52:00.000-04:00

As in, there is "undercover" and then there is "Which way is up?"

Long before this little experiment was ever even considered, I had always had issues as a fan. Mainly with other fans. After being inspired as a young lad by experiences with Hockey East rivalries, squaring off in tiny arenas, too cold to sit in, and too noisy to remain quiet within, I had always hoped for the best out of a crowd. After all, we're here to spectate and enjoy the presentation of entertainment, not to chit chat resting on our cellulite sofas. I mean, we're supposed to be a part of the action, right? We can impact the game, right? At the very least, we can enhance the experience, no? We're already somewhat invested, so why not go all the way, losing yourself in a symbiotic event?

They lose. You lose. They're still on the field. You're still at the park.

So last season, my team's season ended on a gorgeous Sunday afternoon in October. I'm at the bar, people are intently watching, game ends, I'm miserable, and everyone else? Like nothing had even happened. Laughter, no sign of discord, and an utter imperviousness. And this is what set things in motion, because I realized that something was obviously missing from my hometown sports affiliations; actual fans.

So, we arrive at the current, now previous, experiment.

Results:

Number of ballpark attendees that commented on my opposition to their club: 4
How long it took upon entering the park before a negative comment was received: 0 seconds
Number of ballpark attendees that comment on my loyalty to their club: 1
How long it took upon entering the park before a positive comment was received: 10 minutes
Number of times I got hit with a flying projectile of some kind: 0 times
Avoided getting kicked out of the game
Didn't get anyone kicked out of the game
Made at least 3 negative comments to individual/mass fans about their ballclub, with varying degrees of ferocity/snark.

First negative comment was received before even entering the park when my cameraman snapped a photo of me in front of a Fenway Park sign. It was from an older gentlemen, which is a rare find at the park these days. Two of the comments were received from attendees in my vicinity. One of which was induced by my standing ovation for Joba Chamerlain in the 8th. Most angry comment came from a drunk slob who was leaving the game early even though his team was only down 2 in the 9th. The comment? "Nice knowing you." (Takes a few more steps down the aisle), "Fuck you."

The positive comment came from a non-Yankees fan. He apparently wasn't a Sox fan either, but was just there. So in actuality, no positive comments from Yanks fans, even though I was sitting right behind one.

No one came close to getting kicked out. The two clowns on your right (straight cash, homey), were the loudest fans of the evening, but it was in a very, "we're just happy to be there" kind of way. They even acknowledged me at one point, but were pretty deferential, and thus could not be categorized as either positive or negative. They were too focused on getting The Wave going with bases loaded in the 7th inning. Because that's just what the home defense needs when backs are against the wall.

And then they also left before the 9th inning. Much like about 2,000 or so other people that all took off, fleeing the scene with a full inning to go, down by 1 run. And how about when the Yankees scored that run in the 9th? Well another few thousand or so took off. And it was all just as the beer was starting to take affect, and I was really beginning to feel the Yankees spirit.

Once I was able to shake a few errant comments on my part (a small hoot for an Ellsbury bloop single, audible anger with Lester's pitch count, and unmitigated disdain everytime A Rod stepped to the plate), I really began to feel the pride of being hated. And as the Sox fans disappeared, it only got stronger. To a "Yankees Suck" chant (Boston's famous!), a "Red Sox Swallow" response. A "Papi Sucks" here, a "Hey now, Jeets!" there, culminating in a standing O for the Sandman's entrance, and I was fully invested.

All in all, the experiment went just as I had imagined. A few playful drunk jabs mixed into a generally quiet crowd. Added with the crowd's cowardly evacuation prior to the 9th inning (I mean, the game was IN DOUBT. The Sox have beaten Rivera before. It's the SECOND GAME OF THE SEASON. The team features several BRAND NEW pieces. And this is the response?), I believe that the whole point was proven beyond a shadow of a doubt. Sox fans are soft. Sure, not all of them. I'm one of them, after all. But the average fan that goes to a game is not truly invested in the outcome nor in terms of defending their home turf. And this isn't simply because I wasn't razzed out of the ballpark, for that was just one aspect. True support has been replaced with canned choruses, the intricacies of the game pass by unnoticed, and the fervor, well, it's nowhere to be found.

Perhaps the most surprising result of the experiment was the depression that followed. For while the general result was completely expected, the emotional response to a confirmed hypothesis was not. I was bullshit. I barked at my cameraman, flipped off drivers on the way home, choke-masturbated... I was a mess. Because while you can give up on your fans, can you really give up on your team? I don't think so. But with Fenway no longer being a place to watch the Sox play, but a place to simply go to (for the sake of going), the centerpiece of baseball fandom is basically out of play. And when being a fan falls out of fashion, then it becomes time to get some new clothes.

And I hate shopping.

A Social Experiment

2010-04-06T14:36:00.000-04:00

Ah, free hugs. One of the new aged, hippie-revivalist practices of the Los Angeles strip, begging the questions, would you hug a stranger just for the fuck of it, or are you just a cheap bastard that takes anything they can get for free?

Generally, these social experiments are harmless. Unless you include that one where the people were in a laboratory and forced to repeatedly push a button which would then "shock" a total stranger in the other room. Of course, the stranger wasn't actually being shocked, but was paid to pretend to be outraged at being shocked by the button-pusher. The only harm incurred, was the psychological damage incurred to the submissive clown that kept pushing the button despite the repeated pleas of the stranger. This one, well, it could be both physically and psychologically damaging.

To me, exclusively.

Tonight, a pair of well-known baseball rivals will take the field for their second game of the season. I am generally a fan of the home team. I say generally, because it hasn't been lifelong (oh my!). When I was 4 years old, my favorite team was the Blue Jays. I didn't convert to the hometown team until I was around 8 or 9. But since I was 8 (or 9), I have been a true blue hometown boy. Until now. I have no real problem with the team, other than the problem that I have with baseball in general (too much money for some teams, not enough for others). My problem is with the fans. They've gone soft, yuppie, boring, civilized, and worst of all, wholly disinterested in the outcome of their team. If they lose, well, didn't we have fun? Oh well, I guess it's back to actually not caring like before those championship parades. (And my least favorite), It's almost football season!

We're at the brink. I remember fights breaking out in the bleachers. And not just between MMA wannabes clad in Affliction garb, mad that the others guy's girlfriend has a better spray-on tan than his own, forgetting that getting punched in the face hurts a lot more without your gear. You wore an opposing team's hat to the game, you got doused, insulted, humiliated, and made miserable. These days, maybe one or two jerk-offs say something ridiculous but they're just showing off. They're not actually insulting you so much as masturbating. They're just as likely to call out someone with the opposing team's gear as they are to call out someone who spills beer on the way up the steps. In other words, if people are mean, they're just mean for the sake of being mean. It's not directed where it should be... And how did this happen?

How do I know? Well, aside from just saying "years of experience", that is the very purpose of this experiment: I'm out to prove that these "fans" have lost their way. I'm not out to get into a fight, and in actuality, I'm not even sure of the methodology just yet, other than to A) Don the rival team's hat and B) Go to the home team's park with said hat on head. Whether or not I'm obnoxious, seeking to goad fans into a response, or quiet, simply awaiting the verbal and projectile assault, remains to be determined. Either way, I am expecting to elicit a response. How great a response? Well, that's the idea...

Goals:

Count the number of ballpark attendees that comment on my opposition to their club.
Count how long it takes upon entering the park before a negative comment is received.
Count the number of ballpark attendees that comment on my loyalty to their club.
Count how long it takes upon entering the park before a positive comment is received.
Count the number of times I get hit with a flying projectile of some kind.
Avoid getting kicked out of the game.
Get someone else kicked out of the game.
Make at least 3 negative comments to individual/mass fans about their ballclub, with varying degrees of ferocity/snark.

And I think that does it. Any other comments/suggestions? Should I play it safe and quiet at first, and gain confidence as I go? Or, go for the gut right away, getting in faces as pompously as possible?

Comment now. Results tomorrow.

Wish me luck. I'm not gonna need it.

Better Know a Contender. PERIOD

2010-04-06T09:37:00.001-04:00

The goal there was to get the Sedin brothers' faces atop the lovely ladies' faces, but my photoshop skills have diminished beneath a cascading pile of stress triggered by the inevitably of aging.

In just about every one of these vignettes, we have spoken about the team's inability to put the puck in the net. And that is what ultimately separates the next 6 teams from the rest: scoring. When other teams are content to take shots hoping they go in, the big 6 rip shots knowing that they will go in (unless of course we're dealing with the Devils, but even they have seen improvement since Kovie came to town).

And this is what gives the Canucks a chance in the West: their deep scoring stable. Six players currently have more than 20 goals this season and three of those are above the 30 goal mark, with another knocking on the door. And when you consider the fact that Pavol Demitra (20 goals in 2009) is just getting back into the lineup after missing several months of the season, the team currently sports seven solid goal scorers. You can practically smell the concern-expelled soil in the undies of Chicago's crease.

But what about Vancouver's defense? Does it have enough to get to a Stanley Cup? Passed Chicago, San Jose, or the gatekeeper of the West, Detroit (their current first-round matchup)? In the case of the Vancouver, a good offense makes the best defense. For while they keep their opponents to under 30 shots per game, they are still allowing goals. In fact, in their last 11 games, the Nucks have allowed 35 goals (allowing more than 3 goals a game is a definite cause for concern). Not exactly the defensive confidence that one looks for leading up to the playoffs. And while we were all amazed by Roberto Luongo's efforts in the playoffs once he took over the for the Living Legend, his efforts have been anything but extraordinary this season, as he is nowhere near the top 10 in either goals against or save percentage. And it appears that he is only good when in British Columbia.

And that's just it. The Nucks seem to just be a little too soft to get it done in crunch time. They allow soft goals, the Sedins can be bumped off their game, and they are fatally mediocre when away from Vancouver. Sure, they've got some goon power in the likes of Hordichuk and Tanner Glass, tasked with protecting the Sedins, but it takes a lot more than the ability to take a punch to win on the road in April and May. If their top flight scoring continues, then they have a chance, but considering their road follies, poor penalty kill, and goaltender inconsistency, the Canucks could very well be sent packing in round 1.

Players to Watch:

Sedin 1 and 2 -Although he had to suffer through the first month or so of the season without his brother, Henrik has still amassed well over 100 points this season. Daniel, on the other hand, even with missing nearly 20 games, has put up almost 80 points. These cats were meant for each other and work better than any other tandem in hockey. They no where each other will be at all times, and it is a pleasure to watch. Here's hoping they backcheck as well as they possess the puck.

Ryan Kesler - Remember him? US Olympic team stud and the best non-Sedin on the Canucks. There's not much to dislike about Kesler's game; he scores, he makes plays, and he even fights on occassion. In other words, he does it all for Vancouver's second line. While you can always count on the Sedins for production, it is Kesler that has deepened the Nucks attack and made them a deeper team and in doing so, has made them a Stanley Cup contender.

Mason Raymond - This young star has finally emerged thanks to the prolonged absence of Pavol Demitra and has made the Nucks an even deeper squad. With over 20 goals and 20 assists, if Raymond can maintain his production, then he makes Vancouver a 3-lines deep team that can score throughout the game and cause problems for more shallow, older squads... Like Detroit.

Final Sickness

2010-04-05T15:15:00.000-04:00

It was too cold to cry, when I woke up alone-
I hit my last number, I walked to the road.

So, the Final Four came through with a whimper. You can already here Tony Reali asking, "did Butler win the game, or did Michigan State lose the game?" Please don't try to imagine Jay Mariotti's response but nothing but headaches will ensue. And how good is Duke? Ah yeah, about those headaches?

Actually, if you look at it, this could be a really interesting game in a whole unstoppable force meets an immovable object in a blender with all things held constant in theory kind of way. Yeah, that sounds about right. Can Duke score on Butler? No one else has been able to. Can Butler halt Duke's lights out shooting? Again, no one has else has been able to. So, in other words, what the fuck?

We can all talk about how much we'd rather be watching Duke versus Michigan State so we can determine who truly is the best coach in college hoops, but who am I kidding? We all (ALL!) would rather be watching West Virginia in the finals rather than Duke, no matter who their opponent would be. But we'll play the hand we're dealt. Besides, isn't Butler just bizarro-Duke anyway? They got the white kid who looks way too young to be in college (Hayward), the white kid that looks way too dirty to be rich and Dukish (Howard), and the short black dude who may or may not be all that good (Mack), and the extremely likable, good-looking, young coach... Okay, strike the last one. Maybe if we had said sniveling rodent-like, old pollock. But we didn't.

There's one more thing we wanted to say about this. What was it? Oh that's right:

Go Butler.

Sickness Fin.

Go Butler.

Blogsturbation Monday

2010-04-05T14:25:00.000-04:00

Talk about guns like I ain't got none...
What do you think, I sold them all?

Gee, I sure am sorry about that folks, but I was En Route: Adam Sandler in the Wedding Singer post-Wedding Day Disaster'n prior to that little island getaway. I sure hope Deucey didn't scare you all away with his little magic trick (you know, "rising from the dead") but don't fear little ones, for daddy is home...

So what did I miss?

Eaglecide in Philly. One can understand the Eagles trading McNabb within the division to the Redskins in the sense that, the Redskins still stink. Quarterback or not, they still don't have any receivers. Their passing attack isn't as bad as you might think, but hasn't the midget receiver tandem gotten a little... Oh, how did I put this... WICKED FUCKING OLD? With their two "best" receivers turning 31 this season (and one already out the door) and their two best running backs are either injury-prone, old, or injury-prone, the Redskins might be the first team to institute the tight end as primary receiver offense with the emergence of Fred Davis and the expected return of the Naked End. But we all know the problem for the Eagles isn't inter-division pressure, it's the fact that Kevin Kolb is now their full-time quarterback. Sure, the Eaglets are all set in the passing game, you know, minus a proven quarterback, but how about that running game to bail out a young gun? McCoy? Hmmmm... Winner in the deal? Cowboys. Enjoy that consecutive trip to the playoffs.

Boys and their balls. And their bases. Quite a start to the season last night, eh? But, weren't these two teams supposed to have the best pitching staffs in the league? Weren't the Red Sox supposed to struggle offensively? Isn't it supposed to still be chilly in New England? Whoops. Regardless, it was a perfect evening mixed with perfect entertainment: a Pedro sighting? A Diamond on the diamond? A field trip for recovering drug addicts? How exciting. Not as exciting as Joe Girardi already mishandling his starting pitchers, but pretty exciting.

Oh, and coming soon, a rather life-threatening baseball-driven social experiment... Wednesday, if I'm still around.

Ps. I'm watching daytime baseball right now... All is right in the world.

Winding Down and Winding Up. Not much excitement coming out of either hockey or basketball these days as teams consider resting their starters in lieu of set playoff seeds and tee times, but that didn't stop the Celtics and Cavs from giving us a potential second-round preview yesterday afternoon. Sure, the Celtics blew a 22-point lead in the 4th quarter which was impressive, but not nearly as impressive as Kevin Garnett's cartoonish jawing from the foul line in the final minute. Cavs sweep in round 2? Chances are.

More hockey than you could ever desire in the coming week... Just a warning, but come on, we gotta make up for lost time here.

And one more thing. Go Butler...

Final Sickness coming right...

Now.

The Inmate(s) is Running the Asylum

2010-03-31T13:29:00.017-04:00

Sorry, I didn't just ruin the ending for anyone, did I?

So I made a promise to write 2 blogs this week. Now, Deuce here is a lot of things. But if I'm nothing else, I'm a visionary who consistently lacks follow-through and initiative. But if I AM something else, it's a man of my word. So here I go, ending FSD's first EVAH streak of consecutive days of no-posting at 2.

Your esteemed "Chief Dick" is currently on vacation, no doubt letting a young, dirt-skinned adolescent named Guillermo slurp Pina Coladas out of his navel at this very moment. Before departing, he entrusted the proud name of FSD in my hands. What I mean by that, is he finally unblocked my IP address from signing in. Essentially, it's the blogosphere's version of unshackling me from the cellar dungeon he keeps me locked in, releasing me only to forward him humorous links, stories, thoughts and occasionally fingerblast his mother.

This could not come at a worse time in the sports world. Olympics...over and past forgotten, except for the raging hangover the NHL has been left with. The NBA has taken on a sense of the inevitable until the 2nd round of the playoffs, and baseball is teetering between meaningless, and slightly less meaningless. All the glass slippers of the NCAA Tournament have shattered, and the NFL draft is still weeks away. For god's sake, ESPN even had a WOMEN'S BASKETBALL PLAYER as the focus of their Sunday conversation. Shit, meet fan.

As a Chicago sports fan, this purgatory has been even more depressing. The Bulls have slipped into lottery obscurity in favor of joining the Knicks, Nets and other stalwarts of the 90's in the Great Free Agent Chase of 2010. (For the record, the wish list reads: Bosh, Wade, Boozer, Joe Johnson, in that order.) The Blackhawks are clearly not the same team they were before the All-Star break, which has put a serious fucking damper on my "Better Know a Contender" rough draft. The Bears did their own Free Agent Bukakke Dance, leaving me no more confident (or enamored) than I was at season's end, and the White Sox are platooning Mark Kotsay and Andruw Jones at DH.

/places one testicle (the left) in desk drawer...slams it shut.

Enough bitching. What I'm trying to say is, sports sucks right now. Especially for me. So because it's easy to read and easier to write, here's some random (and I do mean FUCKING RANDOM) thoughts on events past, present and future, categorized by athletic genre and full of hyperbole and unfounded conclusions. Now piss off.

NCAA March Sillybilly

- The Final Four smells an awful lot like a preseason Maui Invitational.

- In the battle between two of the least likable coaches in the world, Bob Huggins could probably save himself some nationally televised humiliation by coming out for the second half with his sweatpants around his ankles. Save Coach K the trouble.

- Spartans vs. Blue Devils. Izzo vs. K-Rat. Because the NCAA said so.

NFL

- The new overtime "procedure" is utter bullshit. Bob Costas, Peter King, Gene Wojo, et. al....each one of you are the kind of people who should never, ever, be involved in sports past coaching your daughter's 6 & Under soccer team.

- If the Rams draft Sam Bradford #1 overall, it'll prove that nobody learned nothing from the Mario Williams/Reggie Bush debate.

- Jay Cutler for Donovan McNabb...straight up. Make the call.

- Oh and the new overtime "procedure" is for pussies.

The National...Basketball...Association!

- John Salmons has perfected the "change of scenery" angle.

- Why don't NBA teams run any offensive plays? Watching so much college hoops has made this so glaring. It's all a two-man game.

- The Suns are not dangerous in the West. Portland is. Milwaukee, Charlotte...not. Atlanta, Toronto are.

- With John Wall as the "consensus" #1 pick, it's ironic that all the worst teams (New Jersey and Golden State, for instance) already are set at point guard.

Guys Beating up Other Guys

A short anecdote: I went to a "party" on Saturday night to watch UFC 111 at the "home" of a long-absent friend of my girlfriend. I knew no one, she knew the hostess. I spent the next 3 hours magically transported into a scene from Entourage, with each character's real-world doppelganger easily identified. Bad jokes, high-priced/hyped/shitty beer and booze, bad and over-friendly inside jokes. It was disconcerting, and also quietly hilarious. I'll give them this though...rich dudes get GREAT weed.

Oh, and also Georges St. Pierre is one of the Top 10 athletes in the world today. Dude is a ninja-wrestler-streetfighter hybrid who never gets tired, and enjoys inflicting gradual pain. He would kick your ass three times before lunch.

Stickball

- Miguel Cabrera should probably be drafted higher in your fantasy league than he was/will be.

- Matt Kemp, lower.

- AL Playoffs: Yankees, Twins, Angels, Rangers/White/Red Sox (WC)

- NL Playoffs: Phillies, Cardinals, Dodgers, Giants/Marlins/Braves (WC)

Purely for Comedic Value

Headphones needed.

Purely for Erection Value (and because you've asked)

This is kind of like spending the week at your Dad's shitty apartment, that smells a little like soup, without any of your toys, video games, clothes, bedroom, etc. while Mom's out of town on business/with her new boyfriend, isn't it?

It's not the worst thing in the world to be stuck with him for a week. He doesn't really pay you as much attention, and you don't see him all that often anyway, but you can't fucking wait for Mom to get back.

The analogy works because b. Lee has a snatch wider than most women who've given birth.

Friday Bonebag

2010-03-26T08:44:00.002-04:00

/Friday Shitbag

Bonebag:

AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! The vocal chords are still reeling from high-pitched shrieks sent forth from the pub last night, but I guess a top notch Sweet 16 battle will do that to you. Anytime you reach the point when you are absolutely willing to accept either team winning a contest, you have reached athletic nirvana and hopefully we all at least got close last night. Kansas State's elite backcourt carried the day combining for 53 points, and some especially clutch shooting down the stretch from my man on your left. Then again, Xavier's backcourt wasn't too shabby either, pouring in 58 points. Huge shots, dramatics, two likable teams, this game was just a treat and had me peeing like I was up all night have sex this morning, which I'll take... Which I'll take.

Shitbag:

Can you really blame Jim Boeheim for this loss? Is it really the coaches fault when your team only shoots 37% from the field and only gets to the line 14 times? Can you blame a coach who is short a top player for an entire tournament? Can you blame a coach whose point guard turns into a turnover machine down the stretch? No. But we're going to anyway. Whether or not Onuaku was truly the key to the salvation of the Orange (he wasn't), the Q's went 2-3 in their last five games, which is well, not good. And this time, they couldn't even blame the format of the tournament as they did in the Big East round. Actually, I should be thanking you, Jimmy; after all, your loss last night just gave me an inside edge in the Tourney Challenge.

Dear Mr. Fantasy,

2010-03-25T13:25:00.003-04:00

Give us a clue...
Something - that makes us look witty

Does your fantasy team suck? Probably?

Does your fantasy team name suck? Probably?

Well, we can't do anything about your first problem, but we can sure as shit do something about the second! Introducing,

FSD's 2010 Fantasy Baseball Better Than Your Current Name-Drop!

Take a look and choose wisely. It's all fair game.

The Borbonyard
Greinquixote
When the Peavy Breaks
"S"words and Shields
Cole Hamels' Daughter
Gavin Pink Floyd Experience
Let's Get Bedarded
Gallantly Gallardo
Victorino Starts Here
Aaron Hill's Have Eyes
Brauntown
Cano Corn
LaRochembeau
Upton Girl
Hawpe Loves Scotch
Barrels of Ethier
Limp'bristed
I Grandersofaraway
Markakis 2 Feet Long
Reyes of the World
Uggla Stick
Magic Wandy
Viva de la Rosa
Verlander: The Quickening
Jars of Cla
Tejada They Fall
Felix Cream Pie
Melky Discharge
Bard's Tale
DelcarmenSanDiego
Boof Troupe
Samardzijamacallit
Votto Loco
Uggla Kid Joe
American Matsui
Meche with Texas
Spanglish Tweets
Tory Torre Torii
The Great Cocktiz
Only the Loney
Ethier Or
Riske Business
Morneau Doubt
Kubel's n Bits
Kid Cuddyer
Guadin's Dead
Swisherman's Platter
Thames the Beast
U.R.A. Dickey
Duchschbagerer
Au Contreras Mon Freres
Utley Duckling
Gload in my Pants
Don't ask Dotel
The Doumit'Go'Round
Maholmy Don't Play Dat
Torrealbatross

(2009 listing)

Baseball's Kanye West

2010-03-25T12:18:00.000-04:00

Where to begin...

A lifetime .277 hitter who has now switched teams 9 times in a 10-year career, versus a 14-time Grammy winner with three #1 albums, and one #2 album on the Billboard charts.

Where to begin...

A guy that no one really wants to sign to any long-term deal due to his apparent volatility and poor clubhouse track record, versus an artist who just about any and every record executive on the planet would give up his first-born to sign to a long-term deal.

Where to begin...

People don't trust you because of the picture above and because you tore your MCL while trying to get even with an umpire that told you to 'fuck off', versus a guy that people do trust because he is such a talent, regardless of the dumb things that come out of his mouth every 2-3 months.

Where to begin...

People demonize you because you are the least stable person in professional athletics. Sure, TO is a child and Gilbert Arenas is a fool, but no one is really fearful of these men. We understand that, well, they're just idiots. You, on the other hand, might at any moment go after an umpire, broadcaster, or fan at the drop a hat... Versus, some young fool that thinks he knows what he's talking about, but generally doesn't, and was obviously held way too much as a child leading him to seek attention at all points even when it's not his turn to stand in the spotlight.

I think we can begin right there. Kanye isn't a villain to us, Milton Bradley, he's just a clown. He entertains us, whether he's making hit records, or just being a dumbass. We are entertained either way. You rarely entertain us, at least in the harmless sort of way that Kanye generally does. We never know what Kanye is going to say next. With you, we never know what you're going to do next.

So essentially it comes down to a muzzle versus a straitjacket. Can you guess which one you'd get if we had to choose? You're less a villain, and more of a psychopath.

Sweet Sickness - That Side

2010-03-24T16:24:00.000-04:00

May my love reach you all,
I locked in myself and buried too long.
Now that I've come to fall,
Please say that it's not too late,
Now that I'm dead and gone.

Knew something was missing from the previous post. Ah, that feels better.

And so we arrive at the region that hath slaughtered so many hopes and dreams of that $120 pay-day in early April. It's only 120 since that cheap bastard from accounting always joins yet never pays each year. But either way, Bill.I.Am. and company have now gone away amidst Sherron Collins' inaccuracy and their inability to grab a defensive rebound. The Midwest is now as wide open as a farmer's daughter at summer camp... So let's do it, I guess.

THAT SIDE.

Northern Iowa. We pick Northern Iowa to win. Izzonly in it for the Money saw his hopes of another Final Four bid carted off the floor once Lucas went down again. Ali the Destroyer is going to have his way with State's backcourt and Niowa just has the attitude right now. With that angry mic in the middle, it's not tough to see why.

And then we got the second most intriguing match of the Sweet Sixteen. It's only potentially intriguing because we have no idea which Tennessee team shows up: the one that took their pills that morning, or the ran-away-from-home, un-sedated misfits that happen to crash the party every now and again. Either one could potentially be trouble for a relatively unproven Ohio St. squad, but we'd prefer to see the medically-regulated and disciplined Volunteers that wiped out Kentucky earlier this year. We're going 6-9 in the Midwest final, son... The farmer's daughter is gonna love it.

Westerly (settle down). Butler's pretty good. Syracuse is really good. Do we really need to say more? Although it is about getting to that time when the Q-boogies are going to need their big man back. ~~When~~ If they win tomorrow, then they're definitely going to need him, because look who is on the way...

With all due respect, Xavier, do not fucking dare get in the way of the most anticipated matchup of this tournament. We need us some K-State v. Syracuse in order to shake off all this Sillybilly that has plagued our fragile mindscapes over the last week. We need stability, and we need at least one powerhouse matchup. And not that we're not excited about that Tennessee-Northern Iowa showdown either.

Grab a partner, ey'body. It's time for Act III.

Sweet Sickness - This Side

2010-03-24T15:07:00.000-04:00

The good news? Pretty awesome tournament we have going right now, eh? A solid mix of predictable favorites and completely unpredictable sleepers that have ravaged brackets like a horny Russian in Cold War East Germany. Dance of Death, indeed

The bad news? Well, your FSD soothsayers are certified charlatans this year, bringing home very little advice save for a potential reference to Marquette's first-round waxing at the hands of the Huskies. We also told you to stay away from Murray State... Our bad. No big-time early round exit pick like last year's Wake Forest call. Get 'em next year?

The news that will hopefully redeem us? We're giving you two additional Sickness entries, this time combining the four regions into two:

East + South = This Side

Midwest + West = That Side

THIS SIDE.

So how about some more bad predictions!

In the East, we can see Cornell being a tough opponent for the UK, but there is where their whiteness will betray them. Mainly because Calipari is not white, but tan. Dirty tan and he's been screwing white people across the country for the last two decades. Not even the Ivy League can see it coming.

In perhaps the best match of the week, Washington will continue to prove their under-seeded...ness when they take on Bobby and the Huggy Bears. This is a tough draw for the Huskies since West Virginia has probably been a top 5 team for the last few weeks of the season (not to mention the entire year). Smart money is the Mountaineers, but the smarter money is on an awesome game.

Down South, we got boring on wood when Duke takes on the CINDERELLA squad from Purdue. Earlier in the season one would have expected this matchup to take place no earlier than the Elite Eight, or even the Final Four, had we thought Duke was any good. But no, it is now a Sweet Sixteen snoozer and Purdue's MIRACLE run is about to come to an end. Thanks for ruining the tournament, Hummel.

And lastly, we got the who deys? versus the who dats? Nope, not Bengals-Saints, we're talking literal here, folks. Who the shit are these two teams and what are they doing here? Oh, that's right, it's the shitty South. This is, in all fairness, a pretty interesting matchup. A super athletic, yet rather erratic Baylor squad against a semi-athletic group of Christian fundamentalists... Basketball fundamentalists, rather. We're really not sure who comes out of this one but since we think Baylor puts up the better matchup against the White Devils, then we're going with Gang Green.

Go get 'em, boys.

Better Know a Contender?

2010-03-24T11:45:00.000-04:00

What do you get when a team models their mascot after a grade school computer game?

Why you get the Buffalo Sabres, of course! America's team! And aren't they cute? You have to love any team whose two greatest moments occurred 40 years ago, and not even during an NHL-sponsored event, respectively... And both were losing efforts! But we are talking Buffalo here, kiddies, where losing is an institution. But not just losing, losing as painfully and as often as possible.

Let's take a look at this team's history shall we?

In 1973, the Sabres make their first playoff appearance only 2 years after the teams inception. The team features the fabulous French Connection consisting of Gilbert Perreault, Rick Martin, and Rene Robert. The team loses to the Canadiens in the first round of the playoffs. At the conclusion of game 6, the fans chant "Thank you, Sabres!" once the game is over, even though the series is lost... And so, losing becomes acceptable for the start. (Greatest moment #1)

Two years later, the Sabres would make the Stanley Cup and take part in the infamous Fog Game. During the game, Sabres center Jim Lorentz went all Manu Ginobili on a bat with this stick, killing the winged creature on contact. Buffalo fans, horrified by the thought of an innocent, weak creature being killed (even though they live in a town called "Buffalo"), believe this is the reason they eventually lost the Cup that year in 6 games.

Nothing happens over the next 25 years, and then in 1999, the Sabres find themselves in the Stanley Cup once again after Buffalo turns to the Dark Prince for assistance. However, once again, it was the power of Good talent that overcame Bad inability. What's that? Brett Hull was in the crease? The Lord works in mysterious ways, I guess.

10 years later, Sabres goalie Ryan Miller will be granted netminding responsibilities for Team USA in the Vancouver Olympic games, even leading his team to an extraordinary victory over a heavily-favored Canadian team during match play. However, like the poor slut that he is, Miller would leave his legs spread open just long enough for Canada's Sidney Crosby to force the puck in there, giving Canada gold, and the US silver. Miller would eventually receive a rousing ovation from the Buffalo crowd once the NHL resumed play, once again proving Buffalo's tolerance for prolonged disappointment and failure.

So, how will the Buffalo faithful respond to their team's inevitable second-round loss to the New Jersey Devils this season? I'm calling for a parade. And hey, maybe Miller will even wear his silver medal on the float as a constant reminder that Buffalo will always and forever be second-rate.

Players to Watch:

Thomas Vanek - In the midst of his worst year since 2005, Vanek is the most balanced player in the Sabres lineup. He can playmake and score and this year he seems to be doing both in utter moderation. The Sabres are doing okay in terms of scoring, but with their defense allowing over 31 shots per game, they're going to need a lot more of it, and mainly from Vanek.

Tim Connolly - It took him ten years in the league, but the centerman is finally having his breakout season. Similar to Joe Thornton in his game, Connolly is one of the league's best setup men. However, the most goals he has scored in a season is 18, and with Buffalo's defensive accessibility, Connolly is going to need to start finding his shooting touch, in addition to the open man.

Raffi Torres - One more time! After posting 19 goals with the Blue Jackets, the Sabres though they were going to be adding a scoring threat in Torres, only it hasn't worked out too well, thus far. In 7 games, Torres has logged 2 assists and 0 goals. Sure, it may take some time to adjust to Buffalo coming from... Columbus... But either way, if Torres doesn't pick up the pace, he'll be adjusting to the offseason before he knows it.

It's All His Fault

2010-03-24T10:22:00.001-04:00

In his most recent article, Gene Wojciechowski compares the "old" NFL Overtime rules to a game of "Rock, Paper, Scissors." In fact, he intimates that "Rock, Paper, Scissors" is actually a better system for resolving a game that has bled into an extra session.

Gene Wojciechowski, ladies and gentlemen, is a fucking clown.

Like so many of this other cohorts down in Bristol. After the Vikings lost to the Saints in this passed January in overtime, one morning Sportscenter (LIVE!) anchor quipped: The Saints score and [BFF], one of the great quarterbacks of all-time doesn't get a chance to respond? Something's wrong.

Oh, you must mean that BFF, the guy who threw that MONSTER interception just a few minutes earlier, essentially blowing the game for himself, his teammates. That BFF? You're right, sweetheart, there is something wrong, but it is primarily with your perception of how football works, how often teams actually score, and your memory with respect to recent events.

Football consists of three essential pieces on the field: Offense, Defense, and Special teams. Each of these components has their own responsibilities. The offense must score. The defense must prevent scoring. Special teams must improve field position. This is an oversimplification, but each of these components has their own role and are arguably equal in importance with respect to one another (with the exception of special teams, but mainly because we refuse to acknowledge that Vai Sikehema was as important as Randall Cunningham. Then again, remember that guy named, Vinatieri?). The point is, offense does not stand alone as the main determinant in any game; since defense and special teams played just as much of a role in the promotion or prevention of putting points on the board.

So often when discussing overtime, people seem transfixed on the notion that whoever gets the ball first wins. Well, this actually only happens 60% of the time. However, how many times did the receiving team score immediately? 30% of the time. So, less than 1/3 of the time does the team receiving the ball immediately win the game (the other half of the time, the offense punts, and eventually gets the ball back). But these numbers are not deterministic. Just because this is the trend, it does not guarantee that out of 10 games OT games in the 2010 season, 3 defenses will never get the ball back to their offense.Is it an advantage to get the ball immediately? Sure. In a sudden death format, the team that has the ball is more readily capable of scoring as the team that does not.

During regulation, does the offense score everytime they are on the field? Of course not. Does the offense have a responsibility to score during regulation in order to win games? Sure. But does the defense have a responsibility to stop the offense also in order to win games? Absolutely. So what changes during overtime? These responsibilities seem to be unchanged actually. Oh, the immediacy and importance of the game takes on a new tone in OT? How is it any different than a two-minute drill for the defense? Make the stop. How does the goal change for the offense? Score. If you don't score, well, then your defense must make a stop. And because of the natural fluidity of overtime (unlike the college format), the nature of offense doesn't change. Teams are not more willing to go for it on the 4th down in their own end, because of the obvious potential for repercussion. So. What. Changes?

But what is amusing about this debate is it's apparent amnesia with respect to recent events: anyone remember that Cardinals-Packers barn burner back in the Wild Card round? Now, how did that game end? Oh, the defense scored? Weird. With the manner in which people discuss overtime rules, one would have to assume that the defense scoring would be forbidden by the rules or something. Oh, feeble defense! Ye captain has selected the improper side of the schilling and has left you to toil thanklessly in the muck only to fall to the sword once the scroll is fully unfurled! Is this an exception? Yes. Does it mean that it cannot become the rule? No.

People like to reference other sports as evidence that the football rules are silly. Look at basketball; what if the first team that scored in OT won the game. Look at hockey; at least both teams get a chance to obtain the puck right away. In baseball: both teams get a chance to win the game with an at-bat. In basketball, while very unlikely, it is possible that a team could hold the ball for an entire overtime session, no? A series of unbelievable offensive rebounds, the ball being held to the final shot, and a buzzer beater to win it. Would this be unfair? In hockey, a face-off is essentially a coin toss. Of course, there is much more skill employed than in a 50-50 guessing game, but betting on a face-off between two teams top centers would be just as ridiculous as betting, well, on a coin-toss. Center wins the face-off, winger scores a goal, game is over. Unfair? And in baseball, is it unfair to ask the pitcher and his defense to prevent the home team from scoring any runs in the bottom of the 10th? Well, they had their shot in the top of the 10th to score, as well as in the rest of the game to win. But isn't the road team just unlucky that they had to be on the road during this extra inning game? I mean, it seems unfair...

And this is what it comes down to:

There is an element of luck/fortune in any game. You lose the tip, you lose the draw, you lose the coin toss. There is an element of missed opportunities in any game, too. Third base coach should have held him at third, goon should have never taken that penalty in the third, shithead should have hit his free throws, BFF should have tucked and run, rather than throwing that awful INT.

And now that football has changed its rules, it is actually less like these other sports and even more than before. In basketball, hockey, and baseball, the game remains fluid and unchanged (with the exception of going 4-on-4 in hockey, the essential relationship between OT and regulation goes unaltered). Now, OT football has become a cheap knock-off of its more authentic regulation. Allowing the other team to respond to a field goal in OT, just seems to bring up the original complaint once again. Both teams score a field goal in OT and the game continues. So now, the original defense is once again back on the field with their backs to the wall. All they've done is delayed the inevitable. Teams will play it safe and score the field goal when necessary. There is no emphasis on the touchdown because it's not necessary. The more they attempt to make it unlike college, the more it resembles college, and that's pretty lame, since it is college that should be trying to be like the NFL and not the other way around.

So, nice work, everyone. Go ahead and think that you've actually done some good with all your bitching and whining about how unfair overtime is. But before you open your mouth next time, consider the alternatives and maybe even consider the actual nature of football itself. We know, you like when teams score touchdowns and defense can be boring, but behind that myopic approach we've ushered in an era bastardization, and for what? 8 or 9 overtime games a year? Maybe instead of changing the rules, we should teach coaches, players, and analysts the original rules, because in all honesty, that would probably clear up a lot of the trouble.

Oh, and PS. ESPN, the Vikings owner voted against the new measures... So fuck yourself, you know, after you're done fucking BFF.

Hi, My Name is Chris Evans

2010-03-23T12:48:00.005-04:00

And I only do superhero movies.

And why is that? Well, because as everyone knows, super heroes are smart, buff, and very, very confident. Some would even say cocky. And why shouldn't they be? They're smart, buff, and very, very confident.

Circular logic, you say? I don't even know what that means, but I'm gonna take it as a complement.

People often criticize me for being a one trick pony, saying that I only have one mode of acting, characterized by sarcastic, a smug disposition, and a perma-smirk. Their jealousy is obvious even behind their veil of lies. Perma-smirk? Who am I, Derek Zoolander? I got more than one look ladies and gentlemen. Here, you decide for yourselves:

I can be classy.

I can be current.

Or, I can be Corey Hart from Sunglasses at Night.

One look? Perma-smirk? Please. Look at the evidence, folks: I'm no one trick pony. I'm just a regular guy, with amazing abs, trying to make it in the world today, who just happens to look like a superhero. Why wouldn't directors want me to in their picture playing a superhuman engine of justice?

Hang on one second...

Hey Ira. Good good. Can I play The Riddler in the next Batman film? An evil superhero, eh? A chance to truly show my range. They're gonna make me look good, right? Well, I'm in, then. All right! Hey, before you go; any word on that upcoming He-Man project? I look good in fur, brother, don't you forget that!

Not sorry about that. Anyway, what does it matter to you? Just sit back, relax, leave your $15 at the door, and enjoy the most handsome superhero this side of, well, me. Because whether I'm being pushed, fantastic, American, or all three; I'm amazing, and there's no denying that.

Why Hockey ISN'T Better than your Favorite Sport

2010-03-23T09:39:00.001-04:00

Because unlike Roger Goodell, David Stern, and yes, even Bud Selig, these assholes don't have a clue what they're doing.

Specifically with respect to the recent "rash" of questionable hits that have been occurring all over the ice this season. Whether it is Matt Cooke, James Wisniewski, Alex Ovechkin, or Mike Richards, there has been a glaring lack of consistency in how and when the NHL decides to dole out penalties for "illegal and hazardous" play.

Take Wisniewski's hit on Brent Seabrook (seen here). Illegal? Indeed. Suspension-worthy? Absolutely. Was it worth 8 games? Good question. Was it the same as Cooke's hit on Marc Savard (seen here)? No. Was the outcome the same? Yes. Was it cheap and dirty and dangerous? Without a doubt.

But the NHL's response to both situations was completely inconsistent. Let's look at the initial differences: Wisniewski was called for a penalty on the play. Cooke was not. And that's pretty much where the differences lie. Wisniewski is a repeat offender, and so he deserves a harsh penalty? What, and Matt Cooke isn't a repeat offender? We know, Cooke's hit was not deemed to be a hit by an elbow (even though it was), but that doesn't matter. This isn't Scott Stevens on Paul Kariya (seen here), which while also being a charge and interference and without any repercussions, was a "clean" shoulder-to-body check. Mainly, in the way that there was no unnecessary extension of the arm toward the head. Cooke's hit was a sideswipe that landed nowhere else on Savard's body but the head. You can't punch someone in the head in hockey unless both players have dropped their gloves (or unless you're Scott Walker... seen here). So why can you take a run at a player and hit them nowhere else but in the head... And only sometimes?

In a way, you can see where the NHL is coming from. They would rather not dilute the competitive nature of the game (how about stopping league expansion then?) and this is the reason why the institution of fighting still exists in the game despite repeated and enduring calls for its removal. NHL management would rather than not give in to the media frenzy that many have coined this recent wave of NHL backlash against inconsistent rulings on so many vicious hits. However, the NHL has always, especially in recent years, been open to modifying their stance. Again, take fighting. The penalty for a fight used to be two minutes. Meaning that the token goon could come on the ice, levy "justice", and be back on the ice only 2 minutes later to do it again. Now, fighting is a major penalty and will cost a player (at least) 5 minutes of ice time which has reduced the existence of such goonery, and actually reduced the instance of fighting in the NHL... Meaning, fewer opportunities for players to get hurt.

Yet, with this new issue, it is not just about goons fighting and goons getting hurt and/or suspended. As we've seen recently, one of the league's best players can be seriously hurt, and arguably the league's best player can be suspended, so why not get it right? And ALL the time. This isn't a call for an NFL-like blow-to-the-head penalty which has ultimately been completely laughable in its implementation. This is a call for the NHL to acknowledge the situation as it stands. The league has been content for the last few decades to allow players to be as brutal as they wanted to on the ice; late hits, headshots, and anything goes philosophy down in the front of the net. And we all accepted it, because well, it was entertaining and honored some misplaced notion of tradition by respecting the noble savage that is the hockey player. Well, this "backlash" is what they are reaping for their willful ignorance of what was occurring around them.

Discourage headshots and discourage late hits, call more penalties, open up the ice with more power plays, but most importantly, be consistent. Namely, by protecting your investment. While the NFL has surely gone overboard, their hearts and minds are in the right place; their wallet. And if the average NHL player can't cope with the changes, then there's the door, only no paycheck will be in the mail waiting for them. But for the players that can adapt and evolve, hitting will still be a part of the game, but so will restraint as well as the lost notion of "playing the puck." As long as my favorite player isn't unconscious on the ice after a completely unnecessary cheapshot, then all of this will work for me.

Blogsturbation Monday

2010-03-22T12:51:00.000-04:00

And the Big Four are Syracuse, Duke, Cornell, and Northern Iowa? That's awfully white of this tournament. Sure Kentucky has looked very solid in their first two games, but what do those first two games mean anyway? Maybe we should ask Kansas... But in all honesty, we would have to say that Northern Iowa is the favorite against Sparty, no? I'm not sure I've seen a more confident team than the Panthers so far. And without Lucas, how confident can Izzo's bunch really be? That luck can only last so long.

As for FSD, our money is on Washington walking out of this thing cleaner than anyone else.

In other roundball news, the Eastern Conference is still pretty bad. The Charlotte Bobcats are currently in 7th place and with roughly 11 games left for most teams, it seems as if they're about to lock up a playoff spot. The 8th spot belongs to the defenseless Raptors and 9th to the punchless Bulls (1 of their last 10). But we're all looking forward to is that inevitable Celtics-Bucks clash which will, of course go 7 games in order to determine who wants to get swept by the Cavs the most...

This is why the nation BLEEDS for March Madness every year.

Tiger, still a fucking loser. No, he obviously doesn't owe us an explanation or anything like that, but if he wants us to truly care about this guy ever again, well then he really needs to drop his guard a bit, and drop the bullshit at that same time. The reason he got into so much trouble is because he hid everything from everybody; his wife, his family, the media, and the public. Now it's as if he wants this to happen all over again. I'm not sure what his eventual goal is in all this, unless of course it is to simply crawl back behind the curtain and right into the seedy underbelly of pornstar sex-a-thons... If that's the case, then good luck, brother, but just don't keep dropping these bullshit interviews trying to humanize yourself, because sorry, solider, but it ain't happening.

Loosen up and open up, and you'll be better for it.

No En Route? Yeah, well I was having a bracket-inspired meltdown on Friday and the words were simply not bubbling to the surface. My bracket? No, I of course had Northern Iowa, Washington, Cornell, and Xavier, so I'm good to go... Ahem. It was the entire world realizing how little we have to talk about that we're just going to bitch about something that we generally never care about... Kinda like golf.

Bitches.

6-11 Is the New 5-12!

2010-03-19T11:29:00.000-04:00

First off, yesterday was the most glorious day in a long time. No, I don't care about the condition of my bracket, nor should you yours. Brackets don't mean shit, especially when you picked Vandy to do anything ever (ps. what's wrong with you?). At this point in time, what's done is done and so there's nothing else to do but put your bracket in your sock draw and leave it there until the first weekend in April, because if you're too busy sobbing over Notre Dame, then amidst the tears, you're going to be missing some really fantastic basketball.

I mean, how many upsets did we see yesterday? 5? Out of a possible 14 games? For the record, a 9 beating an 8 is not an upset. Texas sucks, you should have known that, and so should have the committee, but more on that later. And we almost had at least two other upsets, when Florida stormed back against the Cougars, Nova getting bailed out by the suddenly present referees, and Tennessee scraping one out, which I didn't even know was possible until last night. And I'm actually hesitant to call Washington over Marquette an upset. Sure, the Pac-10 sucked this year, but Washington was easily the best team in that conference, had several returning started from last year's tournament appearance, and got to play on the West Coast against a team with a worse record in what was basically a home game for them. But Old Dominion over Notre Dame? An absolute upset, even if the quality of play made me want to gauge my eyes out.

But take a moment to examine the matchup: sure, both Big East teams lost (and they weren't the only ones since even Nova was a loser yesterday regardless of what the box score says), but one lost to an actually good team and the other lost to a team that just happened to make one more shot than the other. If Old Dominion played Washington in a play-in game, what would the spread be? 10? Then why are these two teams given the same seeding? Notre Dame did win the lottery by performing so well down the stretch and even beating Marquette in the process. But what's the point of giving Washington an 11, if they're just going to give them such a solid matchup? Is that the reward for winning the Pac-10? It just seems odd considering that Marquette would have run ODU yet had concerns even before the game against the Huskies began.

Anyway, these are the things that we should be pondering before, during, and after games, when we're not being too excited about wall-to-wall basketball for the next 72 hours. I mean, if you weren't thrilled by Murray States last second victory yesterday, then you're in this for the wrong reasons, but then again, isn't that what March Madness is to the average fan? The construction of a close-your-eyes-and-guess bracket that might make sense at the time, that is until it's creation gets in the way of the utter pleasure that is March Sillybilly.

Matter of fact, burn your bracket, it's the only hope some of you have as sports fans, especially since you have Nova in the Finals... Yikes.

Sickness Live Blog

2010-03-18T13:14:00.047-04:00

I'm thinkin' of a - Live blog to
En-ter-tain you work-work-working stiffs.
My mind's content to - ball all day long
In hopes that it's gonna give-give-give me a lift.

I'm late! Let's hop to it!

This live blog is sponsored by the following song:

The Stick - Ted Leo & the Phar...

1:05pm - Nova the super-duper unimpressive regular season that didn't deserve a 2-seed, showing early on why... they didn't deserve a 2-seed. Robert Morris 24 Nova 16

1:15pm - Apparently every game is at half-time... And the bartender is less-than impressed by my sparkling white laptop that is on the bar.

1:16pm - Maybe Robert Morris can beat Duke?

1:18pm - I was thinking about giving scoring updates, but you all have access to ESPN so... I don't know... Maybe if I get bored\

1:20pm - Not sure if I picked Florida over BYU in one of my 11 brackets (you heard me)... Still not sure if that was such a good idea. But seriously, fuck the SEC.

1:23pm - Nova's problem? They have NO idea how to play defense other than to foul profusely. All the depth in the world can't make up for poor defensive coaching.

1:25pm - Nova runs them in the second half, but I kinda hope not. Put the gimpy cat down.
Aaaaaand RoMo blows a chancw to be up 8 at the half.... nice work.
.
1:27pm - ZERO point for Harangody in the first half for ND... And that's probably a good thing

1:29pm - I lived in Phoenix for a few years right after college, so I needed to go out in order to enjoy my "home" teams. As a result of the manner in which football broadcasts go gaga for commercial breaks, I was forced to watch other non-commercialized events while being sold dick drugs on my screen... Well, since then I've developed quite the talent for watching several televisions at once and these are the times when it comes in handy... I'm like a fucking circus seal over here.

1:33pm - When the committee was making their terrible terrible minds up about the field, they determined that one mid-level Big East squad was going to get the Pac-10 champ and the other was going to get the Colonial champ. I'm not sure who got more of a raw draw; Marquette or Notre Dame... But ND has got their hands full because these Monarchs can shoot. ND 30 ODU 29

1:37pm - One half in and my bracket is already busted...

1:40pm - These mid-level schools just seem more battle tested than say an SEC or ACC team. The competition, while probably more diluted across the board, just seems so much more intense as a result. It's as if every team has weak points which makes everything so much more interesting, whereas in the major conferences some teams just suck and others are really good. In other words, go BYU.

1:43pm - Quick question for everyone: Are you a (wo)man, or a bag of sand?

1:46pm - Joseph and the Fredettes? That's what you can look forward to if the mor-mons make the Sweet 16.

1:49pm - Nova-RoMo, you are embarassing yourselves... Just stop. And what are you smiling about ND-ODU? You're playing like a pack of wild retards.

1:52pm - via Deuce: The Ivan brothers will soon destroy my will to watch CBS

1:52pm - BYU about to send the Gators on the Tebow watch until draft day. BYU-59 FLA-46

2:03pm - Sorry. Boston's parking rules are damn-near fascism in their enforcement these days

2:04pm - What the shit? The Gators are back in it, the Irish still can't score, and Nova still hasn't remembered what game their playing.

2:06pm - If I worked for ESPN and did the headlines on the dot com, I'd sum up the BYU-FLA game by saying: Three's Company

I'm available, Bristol!

2:09pm - Something something... Irish are hungover... something something... St. Patty's Day... something something... I'll stop.

2:10pm - BYU got too confident, and began assessing the Gators' moral fiber, which ultimately led to this let-up.

2:11pm - Ouch. Irish go for the steal, get it, but get called for a foul with under a minute to go... Down 2... 3... Aaaaaand still 3.

2:12pm - There goes my Big East bracket philosophy... But this does touch-on something important. How you finish the season, in no way determines how you play in the tourney. If Butler loses later on, then this theory will be confirmed.

2:14pm - BYU-FLA... Tied.

2:15pm - Boynton, SON. BYU's a flock without shepherd all of a sudden.

Again!

2:16pm - MADNESS has set in!

Oops. We are not allowed to use that word according to copyright law... So for now, I'm going with Sillybilly... For now.

SILLYBILLY has set in!

2:17pm - ND gotta foul...

2:18pm - 10 seconds for ND to hit a 2... Make it a 3.

Fuck the times...

BYU misses a layup, down 1, FLA at the line, with 40 to go.

Down 2...

Peace out, Irish... That shot was about as close as it gets... Dang. I may or may not have had ND in the Final Four in one of my brackets. Didn't have them losing once.

2:21pm - 75-75 in that BYU game... I love this shit

HaranGOATY??? Nice taste to leave in the mouths of NBA GM's before your college career ended.

2:22pm - OMGOMGOMG...

2:23pm - The power of Jesus and Tebow is sending this game into overtime. WHO DOES GOD LOVE MORE?!?!

Seriously... What an epic battle of egotistical godfearing.

2:25pm - RoMo... Not. Going. Away.

Nova... You're. Fucking. Awful.

2:28pm - Gators all over the boards to begin the extra frame.

2:30pm - Man, I fucking hate Gator fans. What a giant collection of douchefied cockmonkeys... The douchefied part might be giving them too much credit, too.

2:31pm - BYU still on the fence about scoring in OT

2:33pm - Officially pulling for the Cougar Hunters here... and I promised myself I'd remain emotionally detached this time through.

Well, you know FSD's philosophy on support.

2:35pm - Nova is now pressing... in more ways than one

The black guy (weird, right?) for BYU is doing spin-moves on every play... and scoring on every play.

2:36pm - Nova just called in Byung Hyun Kim and it's not looking good.

Under a minute to go for BYU-FLA... And a HUGE turnover for the Cougars!!! HUGE!

Dude just dribbled into the defender's arms... Must have choked on his bloated moral compass.

2:39pm - Vandy-Houston started... Cougars everywhere!

Yes, that did make me horny. No, I'm not afraid to admit it. (It's actually murray state... Cougar joke null and void... Deservedly so.)

(Ahhh, it was Sam Houston who I saw coming... Yeah yeah... That's it)

Nice play call, Billy Donovan, but the idea is to actually get a shot off before the buzzer.

THE MORMON EMPIRE STRIKES BACK! Double-OT!

2:40pm - Nova cuts it down to 2, with a chance to tie it up from the line.

2:41pm - What a day already...

Three-ways for BYU... Rather conservative for a Mormon, actually.

It's just too easy at this point.

OH! Boynton fouls out for the Gators... They're done.

2:42pm - Scottie Reynolds is now getting the D. Wade treatment so that the Big East doesn't look TOO bad on day one... Too late, NCAA.

2:44: Hit your free throws, BYU. It makes winning much easier.

Seriously, there is some clown narrating and clapping for BYU on EVERY play behind me... He's either really racist, or really religious... I'm going with option 3: really stupid.

2:47pm - Gator down...

Nova ties it up. I really dislike them, I've realized. Their coach is a respectable scumbag, and Scottie is a stud, but their play is just intolerable... And we're probably gonna have to watch it for at least one more round.

2:49pm - Dingus in the back now has me openly pulling for the Gators... How quickly my loyalties are offended.

2:50pm - Two OT's in one afternoon? This dance is shaping up quite nicely... It's as if the hands have already slid down to the buttocks.

2:51pm - Ballsy alley-oop by the Wildcats to win the game with under a second to go... Better play by Robert Morris to force OT.

Eyyyyyyyoooooooooo-vertyime.

2:55pm - Nice work, Nova... I'm suddenly a Duke fan if this bullshit continues.

Stop. Fouling, Gators. It's over. The Rams are on the clock...

2:59pm - Wait, BYU's Fredette's first name is... Jimmer? Whaaaaaaaat?!

I'm just confused now...

3:00pm - RoMo just doesn't have the right body language now.... Ironic, huh?

Nova moves on and now they don't even have to face a tough Notre Dame club. Well, they were tough until they forgot how to score anyway.

3:02pm - Murray State is dangerous, and admittedly, I was pulled away from that upset call due to everyone's love of Vandy... Which largely stems from that pretty awesome upset they pulled way back when... But has nothing to do with present circumstances and their existence in the awful, AWFUL SEC

Sorry the guinness is successfully penetrating my brain function and I very well could have made that memory up at this point.

3:05pm - Prediction: RoMo keeps fouling and Nova bleeds them to death until the game mercifully ends. Nice effort, fellas. You kinda got robbed.

ROBBED!

3:06pm - I'm gonna let these next round of games simmer, especially since Vandy isn't even on yet, and go back to something:

Namely, the "wild pack of retards".

Now, have you ever seen this phenomenon? It's horrifying. And not in a horror movie entertainment kind of way.

OH SHIT! Wait on that. TBC...

RoMo down by one!

3:09pm - Nice defense... This is beautiful.

3:11pm - BUST IT!

Win, RoMo... Win!

Damn it. Can I get a goaltend?

No?

Well the, back to "wild pack of retards", then.

Where did they come from since they were obviously spawned by humans...

Jesus, this topic keeps pulling RoMo back into it....

RoMo down 1, with 10 seconds to go

And I'm gonna keep talking about the WPR (wild pack of retards)

Yet, they're wild. And perhaps more conspicuous than their wild nature is their inability to accomplish the most simple of tasks. They're a completely unproductive bunch and that's ultimately the only harm they present. So, don't be afraid should you encounter such a pod, but, a note to employers: amidst all this tax-break-for-new-hires talk, please be aware, that cheap labor is not all the same, so please avoid anyone previously associated with a WPR...

In other words, anyone that played basketball for either Notre Dame or Old Dominion.

3:16pm - If those first 3 games are any indication, then we got quite a tourney on our hands...

And I think that's a good place to halt for now. Murray State is currently leading Vandy and that's awesome.

Be back in a bit... Maybe.

Sickness South 2010

2010-03-17T12:19:00.002-04:00

And as I listen at your wake
I saw how only you could make
Triumph out of tragedy
Tragedy into a divine comedy

West Sickness
Midwest Sickness
East Sickness
South Sickness

We have had enough of this delaying gratification pyscho-babble. Ah yes, we save the worst for last around these parts. It's the sloppy South and could this region be any more lame? I mean, Duke has a way of doing that to just about anything, which is why I always make sure the television is off before sex. I don't even trust C-SPAN with this responsibility. One Krzyzewski-bomb, and I'm flaccid for the evening. It's a curse.

As is this bracket. Hey assholes, I got an idea, let's give Duke a clear-path to the Final Four, shall we? First, we'll let them play the winner of the play-in game. That's right! They will guaranteed be playing the worst team in the tournament on day 1. But it gets better. Then we'll pair them up with two awful teams from Major conferences. Two teams that probably wouldn't be in the dance on a better year. But there's more! Their 4th-seed opponent? Let's just say that if the season were a week longer, this team probably wouldn't even be a 7-seed! The 3-seed has never won a tourney game I'm pretty sure and their 2-seed hasn't won a game since February. Classic!

Fuck you, guys. Seriously. Now I have to invent ways for Duke to lose, which will no doubt cost me points and eventually money, instead of just getting the courtesy of an obvious Sweet Sixteen mismatch (see 2009).

Sleeper Special: Maac Daddies over Purdudes

Pretty obvious at this point, but Purdue looks like a broken team. The loss of Hummel has just killed them. Siena is becoming overrated as a result and that scares me, but sometimes the obvious is obvious for a reason... Obviously.

Not-So-Sleeper Special: Aggies over Aggies... Or vice versa

It's honestly a tough draw for Texas A&M since Utah State pretty much cruised through their division. The only problem is that A&M did pretty well in their superior conference as well. They're super-balanced, and Utah super-isn't. Go Aggies.

Non-Top 4 Seed Most Likely to Wreak Havoc: Drunkin' Irish

I mean, did you see what this team did to the Big East. Harangody's injury made this team expand their arsenal and it has really helped. They are a matchup nightmare and potentially the only thing stopping Duke (fight white power WITH white power!).

Early FSD Favorite to Rule the West: Dookies

If Nova can escape Notre Dame, then we thinks the Wildcats can crush dem white boys, but it's just really hard to invest any faith in Nova right now... And this keeps me up at night.

Enough talk, now give me something that doesn't start with NIT and end with Winthrop-ARPB.

Let's dance, baby.

Sickness South

Sickness East 2010

2010-03-17T11:05:00.004-04:00

That woman deserves her revenge...
And we deserve to die...
But then again, so does she.
So, I guess we'll just see...
Won't we?

West Sickness
Midwest Sicknes
East Sickness
South Sickness

Once again we're faced with a wide open field for the number 1-seed... At least on paper. But just what do Pitino's Pussycats really have to worry about en route to a Regional Final? Two former, now sloppy powerhouses? An A-10 sleeper? A bunch of geeks from the Ivy League? Or some inconsistent corn-crackers?

Once again the committee just seemed confused as to how to proceed with yet another region. The field is so diluted this year as if they're now cutting some already thin cocaine with even more baby powder. Ahem... But look at the schools that they simply tossed into this region: Clemson, Wake, Texas, Missouri, Marquette, Washington. All big-time programs, all coming off "meh" seasons. Can we even be excited about the Big East champions? Well we are, mainly because we have no other options. Kentucky deserves and early round loss and someone deserves their revenge. Too bad Memphis couldn't make it for this go-round, eh?

Sleeper Special: Jesus the possibilities... Hillybilly North over Hillybilly South

Sorry if we're not impressed by New Mexico's ultra-easy schedule. Oh, they beat Cal? Who hasn't? The Lobos generally struggle against tough competition, so there's no reason to believe that they won't struggle against Montana who has been decent this season.... Sure.

Not-So-Sleeper Special: Woff over the Wisco Inferno

Aside from Illinois, the Badgers have had very little trouble dispatching inferior teams and Wofford falls into this category. Wofford has been playing well lately, and Wisconsin has trouble scoring sometimes, so a close game is certainly a possibility. An upset, however, is not.

Non-Top 4 Seed Most Likely to Wreak Havoc: Marq of a Champion

Marquette is been tested all season and has generally passed. The Big East has just been a better conference all year, and the Eagles certainly have the ability to make a charge in the 8. Or, they lose in the first round. Neither would surprise me.

Early FSD Favorite to Rule the East: Huggies' Bears

Because help us, Bob Huggins, you're our only hope of preventing Kentucky from reaching the Final Four.

And how about that? We picked a not-number 1 seed! One more to go...

Sickness East

Playin' Sickness

2010-03-16T15:02:00.000-04:00

How could we forget the game that pretty much, kinda, doesn't even really count?

Oh come on, Arkansas Pine Bluff, don't look so offended. Get off your high horse, Winthrop! I recall a time when you were simply allowed the right to a first round-rape without the inconvenience of some trivial little play-in match. But, the chubby white men from on high have passed down this decree, deeming you unworthy of automatic entry without an initial test of worth!

Say it again, Golden Lions? Overcoming an 0-11 start (Yes. Seriously.) to finish second in the sssssSWAC and winning the conference tournament should be sufficient to impress? 'Fraid not. If anything, let this be a lesson to any and all future convicts: you can never outrun your past, no matter how much you have matured as a person. The white man will always... ALWAYS keep you down.

So arm up, #64 and #0, whomever you may be. Grab your Mantoriis' and Salavances and prepare to dance, WITH SWORDS. This is gonna be... good?

Upset Special: All Points Bulletin over Thropic Thunder... Or vice versa... Who cares, really?

Who yuh got?!?

Sickness Midwest (2010)

2010-03-16T12:07:00.001-04:00

You can a good look at a butcher's ass by sticking your head up there.
But wouldn't you rather take his word for it?

West Sickness
Midwest Sickness
East Sickness
South Sickness

Now we're talking. Like a good ol' Midwest (family) gangbang, we have no idea who is coming out if this one clean. We're talking about 3 seriously shaky top 4 seeds here. Kansas is a beast and will be formidable regardless. Maryland and Ohio State? Can we be sure that either of these teams have been truly battle tested for this shindig coming from two shitty conferences? Georgetown? Which Hoyas team shows up? The horror or the comedy?

This is seriously a giant collection of wild cards. Tennessee, San Diego State, Houston, Oklahoma State, Michigan State, and we don't have to stop there. Each and everyone of these teams has shown flashes of brilliance and moments of retardation over the season. This region is going to seriously screw with some brackets this year, so be careful of that Kansas lock or your sneaky Georgetown to the Final Four call.

Sleeper Special: Mesoamericans over Unpaid Firefighters

Because why not? Tennessee has been about as stable as their coach all season... In other words, not very. Although with only 8 losses, they may be a little underrated at this point. Regardless, the Aztecs are playing with house money and could catch a snoozing Tennessee squad that may or may not care about winning or losing.

Not-so-Sleeper Special: Gaggies over Sparty

New Mexico State has shown a lot of gusto this year, but they have just been so inconsistent. And Sparty on the other hand, well, who knows what to expect, but that's what makes them dangerous. But they better play some defense, because the Aggies can score, and well, that hasn't always been a big feature of Big 10 basketball. Is this the part where I say something about Tom Izzo?

Non-Top 4 Seed Most Likely to Wreak Havoc: Izzopenforbusiness

This isn't rocket science, folks. Team went to the Final Four last year. If they can beat the Aggies, then why can't they beat a soft Maryland team? I just don't see why not. Besides, Kansas and State would be quite a Sweet 16 matchup.

Early FSD Favorite to Rule the Midwest: Hayjawks (get it? They're hicks...)

Yeah, we know, you see a trend. But we don't see anyone beating this team in this region unless G'Town decides to shoot the lights out in the Elite Eight... Which we also don't see happening.

More obviousness to come.

Sickness Midwest

Sickness West (2010)

2010-03-16T10:03:00.001-04:00

Every night and every morn, some to misery are born.
Every morn and every night, some are born to sweet delight.
Some are born to sweet delight, some are born to endless night.

West Sickness
Midwest Sickness
East Sickness
South Sickness

Introducing, weak ass region #1. Everyone was complaining right from the get-go that Duke should not have gotten such preferable treatment over Syracuse? Oh, you mean Syracuse should have gotten the First Class window seat instead of Duke? What if the Orange have bladder issues and prefer the aisle? Either way, these two are BOTH flying the friendly skies. What's to stop Syracuse from reaching the Elite Eight? Vanderbilt? Seriously? The team that was gift-wrapped a spot in the SEC final, but lost to a team that isn't even in the field of 64? Look out!

It's the bottom half of this bracket that is intriguing. Can Kansas State actually beat anyone worth beating and not named Baylor? Good thing Kansas is safely stashed a bracket away. But it's the other power in the bracket that should concern the 'Cuse. Why? Well, because the Pitt Panthers handed the Orange their first loss of the season way back when. They'll have to get by the X-Men first if that's gonna happen though.

Prognosticate with us!

Upset Special: TEPid storm over Mr. Belvedere.

UTEP lost 6 games all season to 5 teams. FOUR of those five are in the tournament. The 5th was a bubble team. Butler's winning streak is impressive? Well, so was 16-game winning streak that just ended on Saturday.

Upset Not-so-Special: Bill Murray over Van De Kamps

Murray State's record is pretty impressive, and by that I mean their 4 losses. Western Kentucky? Morehead State? Lousiana Tech? And Cal? The first three are fine, but Cal?!? Unforgivable losing to a Pac-10 team. Actually, Vandy lost to Western Kentucky, too... Ahm... Anyway, Vandy is hungry after their last loss and will not lose.

Non-Top 4 Seed Most Likely to Wreak Havoc: The Mormons

They can score... And sometimes that's all you need. Ps. Ever heard of the Mountain Meadows massacre? Look it up and be afraid.

Early FSD Favorite to Rule the West: Q's

Because we're wicked boring and unimaginative.

Official Bracket of Sickness West

But First!

2010-03-15T14:57:00.002-04:00

We've all been alerted to the genius that is Name of the Year, but are we aware of all the corporate knock-offs that have emerged as a result of its existence?

One such entrepreneur (read: thief), and good friend of FSD, has scoured the records of his employer to locate and provide us all with some of the best names that his terrible, terrible job has to offer.

It's the MT Name of the Year!

Rock the bracket, y'all.

The Return

2010-03-15T12:58:00.000-04:00

Considering the weak state in which so many teams are limping into the tournament this year, we have decided to dub the 2010 Sickness as "The Big Dance... of Death". With so many lying at death's doorstep (see: Texas and Purdue) and/or dead already (Wofford and, well, Purdue again), it seems fitting.

At this point, everyone should be aware of THE SHEET® , so there's no real need to go into the details, unless you really want to, of course. Basically, we're bringing you THE SHEET® March Madness-style. Coming soon, we will have all four regional brackets posted, but each will have its own FSD-spin to it. No actual team names (usually) will be found and instead, you will see 64 puns, name-plays, and potentially clever references to the female anatomy.

Get excited, y'all... It's about that time.

Let Me Get This Wrong...

2010-03-15T11:17:00.002-04:00

So, you got rid of two terrible quarterbacks, so that you could... Bring in two more terrible quarterbacks?

Mike Holmgren, the fat genius, strikes again.

Let's look at the calendar! It's calendar-time for, Fatty:

Patriots = Loss
Steelers = Loss
Chiefs = Loss
Saints = Loss
Bengals = Loss
Jaguars = Loss
Bucs = Loss (in OT)
Dolphins = Loss
Ravens = Loss
Jets = Loss
Steelers = Loss
Bengals = Loss
Panthers = Loss
Bills = Loss
Ravens = Loss
Falcons = Loss

I mean sure, we've all decided that we would rather have Wendy's than McDonald's when we were in some shitty tourist town such as West Palm Beach or something, but we're talking about Cleveland here. A formerly proud football team that will now have to endure at least one more terrible year of football as a result of this maneuver. Could it be considered an upgrade? Sure, why not. They weren't winning with Quinn or Anderson, so why not bring in Wallace and Delhomme? Or maybe the Walrus is just looking for a roundabout method for removing Mangini in clean fashion?

Either way, Jake Delhomme on a primarily Wildcat-driven offense is about as useful as an asshole right here (/points to elbow).

Could be worse, they could have just signed a broken down running back to a 2-year deal...

En Route: Parade Pissin'

2010-03-12T16:23:00.001-05:00

Okay, Here's what YOU gotta know!

My name is Seamus O'Shanahanigan and I'm a fucking St. Paddy's Day All-Stahhh! Nobody's mohre Irish than I am, no one Pahty's as hahd as I do, and I love myself a fucking parade.

Why?

Tits, booze, and buds. The best fuckin' buds in the world I might add. Shohre, sometimes I gotta break a bottle or two ova theih heads, but we'rall bettuh friends fawrit aftuhwoods.

Hehe's what you do: Get 64 beers for yuhself. That's right, 2-thirty packs of somethin' strong and then yuh gotta finagle 4 mohre of those lite pieces of shit. The lites ah fuh when those faggots come mahchin' down Broadway. I hate those fuckin queehs, rubbin theih cocksuckin' noses in my face.Well, hehe you go homos: 4 gay beehs slung right into yuh gay faces. Now, beat it! And take yuh Obama neighbuh cahe, with yuh!

And that's pretty much it. All you need is lots of beer, eyes to see tits with, and an irrational hatred of gays and dahkies. Happy Paddy's Day folks!

What ah you lookin' at , yuh fackin loozuh?

We're in complete agreement, Dan-O! (With Leather)
I think I just heard a handful of youth soccer players scream in horror (The Big Lead)
Well this should surely inject some excitement, eh? (SS Reporters)
Oh, it's that time! (Name of the Year)

Green beeh is fuh gay queehs.

Your Mandatory Pre-Fight Post

2010-03-12T10:46:00.000-05:00

For the first time perhaps ever, Texas will be warmly welcoming the prospect of two illegal immigrants crossing their border for the primary purpose of pugilistic entertainment at Jerry World this weekend. It's impossible to even consider this fight in lieu of the breakdown that occurred in negotiations between Floyd Mayweather and Manny Pacquiao. In turn, it is also impossible to view Pacquiao's opponent this weekend, Joshua Clottey, as a mere substitute, and an insufficient one at that.

Insufficient both in terms of skill and prestige. This isn't to say that Clottey is not a quality boxer, for he absolutely is. He also fought Miguel Cotto recently, and while technically losing the match, most observers believe that he actually out-boxed Cotto for the vast majority of the fight. The main issue was that Clottey took his foot off the gas once Cotto retreated into his hit-and-run technique that he utilized in the last 4 or 5 rounds against Manny once he realize that he could not go toe-to-toe with a superior opponent. Clottey was not content to chase Cotto around the ring, leaving him vulnerable to Cotto's calculated strikes, which ultimately (and apparently) left a bad taste in the mouth of the judges at ringside.

And it is by Cotto that we can compare these two boxers: the one that was able to finish him off (Pacman) and the one that was unable to do so (Clottey). Both fighters have been known to have trouble with their defense. The Ghanaian Clottey fits right in line with the stereotypes that characterizes the Continent's lack of attention to detail on the soccer pitch: all offense and no defense. And this isn't far off for Manny either. While Pacquaio certainly dismantled his former opponent, Cotto still managed to land plenty of power punches on Manny's jaw. And based on Pacquiao's previous fights with Juan Manuel Marquez, it is clear that he has a tendency to focus too much on the attack, at the expense of the retreat. For a bigger, stronger boxer like Clottey, this is an exploitable trait. That is, if he did not suffer from the same problem himself.

The ultimate difference between these two fighters comes down to two things: ferocity and training. Clottey can land punches with the best of them, but we have yet to see him put together a complete fight. He either loses attention, and/or lacks the corner wisdom that can guide a lesser fighter to glory against a better fighter. Manny already knows what he has to do to beat Clottey, and Clottey might even have his own ideas about Manny. But we know for a fact that Manny will execute, because Manny has been trained to execute and because he is a relentless punching machine. Manny isn't interested in unanimous decisions, he is interested in winning as soon as possible and by any means necessary.

Tale of the Tape.

This isn't the fight that we all wanted to see. The next logical step for boxing was Pacquiao-Mayweather. But, Floyd got cute, and fucked the whole thing up. So now we are stuck with what we have. But considering the two fighters that we have before us, this isn't the worst thing in the world for boxing. Casual boxing fans and MMA detractors are interested in offense, and often criticize defensive fighters like Mayweather for their 'boring' approach. If this is the case, then their should be no complaints tomorrow night. For these two fighters are going to be throwing punches: Clottey realizes that his only shot in this match is the haymaker and he's got the strength to pull something like this off. Manny realizes the pressure to put on a show for the world, and he knows that offense is the key to success in that regard.

The smart money has to be on Manny this time through, as it usually would be. But if you've read anything about Clottey, then your heart might be riding with the underdog tomorrow night. That is, if your heart is not at all interested in seeing Pacquiao-Mayweather in this lifetime.

I'mpostor

2010-03-11T15:26:00.000-05:00

Torii's comments are interesting for a number of reasons. First off, what is he even thinking? I mean, we all have our interesting thoughts, and maybe they even make sense in our heads, but anytime we attempt to explain them to others, they just never seem to come out properly. Torii didn't mean to lampoon his Latin teammates or anything like that. He was merely acknowledging a real difference between African Americans and Latin Americans, and one that exists beyond skin color.

The second reason that it is interesting is that those tensions rarely bubble to the surface. Typically everyone is simply happy to be a part of Major League Baseball. Teammates get along regardless of skin color or country of origin. People are rarely concerned about the poor boy in Detroit, fielding grounders in the snow in late February in hopes of making a break into the national spotlight. But this was an exception and the timing is curious, but perhaps it should give us all pause because it indicates a larger problem in professional baseball that does indeed center around discrimination. Not with respect to owners snubbing potential talent in inner cities in favor of cheap island labor, but rather, with respect to American American players discriminating against Canadian American players.

Again, we generally share the same skin color, but I can't even begin to explain how many encounters I've had with players from southern Georgia accusing me of keeping their cousins out of the game due to the fact that an owner would rather pay some Eskimo-fucker from the Great White North rather than a Born Again Baptist from Hazlehurst, Mississippi, because, I don't know, I can actually locate the Dominican Republic on a map.

And people wonder why I left Boston? It's a racist town! No, not against Latinos, or African Americans, but against Canadians! Sure, hoser sounds like a harmless enough term, but when you hear it on a night in and night out basis, it gets to you. And I know Lou Merloni is a local hero, but he's retired, and he never even played left field, so how could that be a better situation for the Red Sox faithful? It hurts... I figure that it will be easier to blend into New York City because there is such a mixture of ethnic backgrounds, that no one will have a problem with some Canadian impostor stealing an outfield position from some stiff like Jeff Francoeur... And his name is French enough to provide me some cover, as well.

And so Torii was right, in a way, since it's really not about skin color anymore. In this so-called post-racial society that would inhabit, things appear to be even more fragmented, and it's difficult to tell whether it's a step in the right or the wrong direction. One thing is for sure though, so amount of Michael Jackson-style facial surgery can erase the stain of my Canadian heritage, so I just hope that one day the league can accept me for who I am. Because there are also baseball players in Canada...

There are also baseball players... In Canada.

Better Know a Contender?

2010-03-11T11:36:00.000-05:00

In an economy where nothing seems to be stable, there are certain enduring institutions that we all rely upon that comfort us in times of crises. Whether it is cheap cheeseburgers at Wendy's, dollar drafts at the local pub, bigotry toward homosexuals, and scalped playoff tickets in Hockeytown, USA, these fixtures keep our minds focused and at ease as we all, in a way, psychologically stake our own fortunes to their continued presence.

When these institutions dissolve, well, you get Detroit as the result.

So what the fuck happened? The Red Wings have arguably been the most dominant franchise in sports, perhaps with the exception of the New York Yankees. Since 2000, the Red Wings have finished either in second, or at the top of the Western Conference (5 first place finishes, 3 second place finishes). In fact, the last time the Wings finished outside of the top 4 was1991, when they finished 6th. The last time they missed the playoffs? 1990. The next time... 2010?

Detroit has always used their veteran leadership and savvy to dominate the Western Conference. Their composure and patience have always been the source of their success. They were at the top of the mountain, and everyone knew it, especially they themselves. This colored just about every matchup. The lesser teams would feel the need to jump on the Wingers, pin them down early, wear out the older club. It would never work, largely in part to the Wings wait-and-see approach: weather the initial storm, find the holes in the other teams game, and then exploit them. Every other teams was playing checkers, while the Wings, well, were playing hockey.

But the situation has taken a dramatic turn for the Wings this season. Riddled with injuries (Franzen and Kronwall), massive offseason losses (Hossa and Hudler), and an aging unit (anyone seen Chelios?), Detroit has not been able to keep up in the Western Conference, leaving them on the outside looking in (at the moment). Other teams like the Blackhawks and Kings have become younger and skilled, while other teams such as the Sharks and Canucks have seemed to co-opt the Wings veteran approach to the game. Caught between these two shifting forces, the Wings it seems have been forced out of the picture.

For the first time in a long time, the Red Wings seemed to be out of control, stuck between the past and present and unsure on how to proceed. The perfect metaphor for this situation is the Wings goaltending depth. First, you have the old guard, sure-footed, 3-time Stanley Cup champion, Chris Osgood. Then, you have the new wave, steady but unproven rookie, Jimmy Howard. Was the decision by Babcock a panic move to Osgood's early season struggles, or is it merely a reaction to the Wings obvious need to get younger?

The Red Wings are the perfect representation for America at this very moment. Baby boomers are moving on, and they're all waiting for the youth to step up and take the wheel for the rest of the trip. All the while the roads are crumbling amidst the pressures of a financial crisis, while our enemies are getting more hostile and more successful all along. Can we re-tool and maintain our dominance? Or is this it? The guys at the Ford factory would really like to know.

Players to watch:

Pavel Datsyuk - Easily one of the best players in the game, Dastyuk is actually mired in a slump of sorts. No doubt affected by the Wings offseason losses, Datsyuk is well of the pace of pulling down another 80 points this season (as he has done the last four seasons). If he isn't finding the back of the net, or the open man, then the Wings may be watching the first-round of the playoffs for the first time in 20 years.

Todd Bertuzzi - Best known for being a colossal prick of criminal proportions, Bertuzzi has been thrust into the spotlights in Detroit. Far removed from his glory days as a Canuck, the Wings will need Bertuzzi to start scoring if they have a prayer this season. The chump hasn't scored a goal in 15 games, and if this continues, then well, Bertuzzi will get exactly what has been coming to him for a while now.

Jimmy Howard - The new goalie on the block, only time will tell how successful this rookie can be for the Red Wings. Currently sporting an impressive .923 save percentage, Howard has been a suprise but has also been very inconsistent lately, which is not helping the Wings chances. Is the length of the season finally getting to the young netminder? Or is he just not that good? And what does Chris Osgood think about the situation?

KG the Clown

2010-03-10T14:32:00.002-05:00

Clowns are obvious caricatures. They're supposed to look ridiculous because, well, that's the whole point. They look ridiculous because it is intended to mirror their performance. Pulling an endless thread of multi-colored fabric out of your mouth, piling into a car with your gay clown friends, and shooting water of the plastic flower attached to your lapel. All of it is absurd, but the humor crime fits . It's supposed to be ridiculous.

So what happens when absurd behavior doesn't fit?

KG has always been an overly intense player. He has always talked more shit than anyone else on the floor, and for the most part, people have never really taken too much offense to it. Like crazy Epic Beard Man, it was best to just let him spew his crazy monologue rather than get in his way. But unlike crazy Epic Beard Man, you couldn't just ignore KG hoping that your headphones would cause his psychotic specter to vacate your perceptual landscape leaving you comfortable in your stable worldview. He was a force that had been pretty much unstoppable for the last 13 years and even as a young buck, he still demanded respect, and most importantly, attention with this play on the floor. KG's maniacal ramblings always seemed to fuel or at least complement his play, and so no one ever really had a problem with it... You know, for the most part.

KG the spaz was in line with this spastic, yet effective play on the floor.

In 2010, KG is currently experiencing his worst year since his rookie season. His totals for points, rebounds, steals, and blocks are all well below his career average, and with respect to blocks and steals, his current numbers are actually worse than in his rookie season. He currently walks with a limp that appears to have no intention of ever going away as long as he continues to play on his gimpy knee. But the motor that charges his tongue still appears to be running strong. Less and less does KG resemble the intimidating, productive presence that he used to be, while more and more, he becomes a contradiction.

KG is still a spaz, but his play is no longer spastic, nor entirely effective.

And just what are the implications of this situation? What happens when formerly tolerable actions become intolerable? Not just for the actor, but for those in his troupe, as well?

The Celtics are no longer a title contender. They are competitive and a trip to the Eastern Conference finals could not necessarily be considered a surprise. A trip to the NBA Finals would indeed be a surprise, but not the Conference Finals. However, watch when a team beats the Celtics. It's not just another win. It's a celebration. Bench players are tossing around the stink eye and punk rookies are not content to simply let the scoreboard do the talking. With the Celtics, it has become personal for every other team in the league. In this case, winning isn't about playoff position, but pride.

And just where does this emotional impetus come from? Beating a champion? The Celtics won the title almost 2 years ago. Beating a contender? The Celtics are in 4th place in the East. Do teams celebrate in the same way when they beat the Jazz or the Nuggets? Probably not. But those teams do not have a a waxing star on their roster whose primary use these days is the production of verbal garbage to fling in any direction he sees fit. Like an aging war veteran, used to mowing down enemies thanks to his heavy artillery, now left unarmed and mentally compromised, KG roams the court like the lion that he once was, shrouded in makeup and grotesquely over-sized clothes, never coming to terms with his reduced billing beneath the big top.

It would be funny, only if it were not so sad.

Got Any Gum?

2010-03-10T11:45:00.003-05:00

Kenny Powers Edition

Listen up, fuckheads, it's Selection Sunday on... Sunday, and Kenny Powers is fucking pumped. If there's anything better than getting laid, it's getting paid, and THEN getting laid. Like when I take your shitty $20 entrance fee and then take your little princess out on the town with my winnings once my Wildcats cut down the nets, and I cut down your girlfriend's panties. Anyway, we got a few days left and if there's anything I know better than unhittable fastballs, it's tourney-bound basketball squads. Now pay the fuck attention because I'm only saying this shit once:

1. Montana/Weber State (21-9/20-9)

Does the loser of the shitty Big Sky conference deserve a crack at losing to Ohio State in the first round on the Dance? I don't give a shit. Neither of these teams has really beaten anyone impressive, unless you consider a 12 year-old girlfriend to be an impressive conquest.

Verdict: You're fucking out. Sure, one of these suckers will make the tournament but will it even matter? When the biggest notch on your belt is a road win at Sacramento State, how the fuck are you gonna win down in New Orleans against Butler? Unless finding a bucket of blue crabs on your johnson the following morning is your idea of winning.

2. Tulsa (21-10)

As much as I love me some bullshit liberal city in the heart of Bibletown, I don't care much for these Golden Hurricanes. Golden Showers on the other hand... These stiffs haven't beaten one team in Conference USA that is seeded higher than they are. So they beat Oklahoma State? That supposed to be impressive? They also lost to Nebraska, so fuck yourself.

Verdict: You're also fucking out. The Cowboys can suck my balls for losing to you clowns. And as much as I love America, you're only shaming America's conference with these lowly shenanigans. You guys got a lot of growing up to do.

3. Illinois (18-13)

13 fucking losses for you, shitheads?! And that spineless dicksucker, Lunardi has you currently making the Dance? Buuuullshit. What am I supposed to be impressed by? Your win over some farm-fed fuckers from Wisconsin? Fat ass had too many cheese curds before the show, got their heads stuck inside a bovine gang bang set to commence post-game. They can't be held responsible for that. What's that? Sparty and Vandy? I don't speak gay, Illini, so you're gonna have to Americanize that shit for me. You know what, just stop right there. I've made my decision

Verdict: You're fucking out. You've lost 5 of your last 6 games, you're 10-8 in that shitty conference, and your home is the Land of Lincoln, my least favorite president of all-time. You're fringe like the Green Party and they sure as shit are never getting my vote.

Weekly Big East Suckcheck

4. UConn (17-15)

Ha! Why are we talking about these fuckers again? Because their entire campus smells like horseshit? Is that enough to gain admission to the Dance floor these days. This team lost to Michigan and Cincinnati... TWICE. No way, uh uh.

Verdict: Fuck out my face.

5. Seton Hall (19-11)

So what? Victories over DePaul and Rutgers are getting bitches wet these days? How about losing to UConn and Temple... That do anything for you? Now, Kenny Powers is no dumbass and he understands that the Big East offers the most ferocious competition in college sports, but these Butt Pirates ain't go no business cleaning my crotch let alone entertaining my ass next Friday.

Verdict: You're fucking out. Tonight they're going to lose to Notre Dame and than it's plank-walking time for these one-eyes willies.

Bonus, bitches.

6. Notre Dame (21-10)

I don't much of a shit about Irish people, but these fuckers ain't bad. Even that goofy fucker with the big titties reminds me of a young, dumb Kenny Powers back when being fat was cool. But HOLY GODFUCK, you lost to Loyola Marymount? Did the game take place back in 1990? And Northwestern? The school that doesn't even know in what fucking direction their school is located? Jesus Christ, you assholes.

Verdict: You're fucking... In? Shoot man, even I get a boner when West Virginia, Pittsburgh and Georgetown lose. Now just make sure you make it to the Big East finals, because I don't like to be made to look bad, not that such a series of events is even possible.

All right, ladies, I think I've spread enough wisdom for one day. You take care of yourselves, and remember "Go Wildcats." Kenny Powers is fucking out, unless we're talking about your mother, because in that case, I'm definitely fucking in.

The Day After Dan Snyder

2010-03-09T14:10:00.000-05:00

I know... A music review in the middle of a sports fan's ground zero? Sometimes I seek refuge in the simpler things in life, when the art of running, jumping, and tackling just becomes a little complex for my waning mental processes. Well, it's not really the physical attributes mentioned above that get me all curious George, but the financial considerations that make the operators of such movements go. Because, seriously... What the fuck?

I understand that it is an uncapped year, and that many teams are just going buckwild as a result. Spending as if the world ends at the end of the following season, and there will be no serious repercussions for some of the absurd contract signings that we have seen (6 years for a 30 year-old, 4 years for a 31 year-old, 5-year deals for fringe wide receivers, and 6-year deals for cornerbacks that don't get interceptions). I mean, what happens if the owners and union come to a deal next month? This is unlikely, but for the sake of argument. What then happens to these contracts? I mean, there's no way that these teams can honor all of these contracts beyond the uncapped season (assuming that a "capped season will follow at some point or another), unless they're intent on signing some replacement players to the league minimum come 2012 in order to make these contracts fit.

In a way, it does feel like the world is about to end. Everyone is making bad decisions without fear of any negative impacts, well, because no one will be around to feel that impact. Except this whole thing smells a lot like some phony chicken-little meets War of the Worlds fiasco where the owners are more than willing to offer these contracts since they have no intention of honoring them in the future. So why not take one solid shot in 2010 at a Super Bowl, hopefully catch a whiff, or shoot, even win it? In turn, the pressure is taken off you and your marginally talented coach (read: Lovie Smith), regardless of the financial/personal fallout between management and player that is sure to come the following season. But players aren't the ones that buy season tickets are they?

It all seems a little strange, and I'm not sure why so many people have been so silent on the matter. Sure, an offseason blowout sale is exciting, but so was the housing bubble before it popped evaporating our stucco-encased dreams in the process... Maybe we should see what the man behind the curtain thinks about all this.

Rock Cridick: Measure by Field Music

2010-03-09T11:03:00.000-05:00

Field Music's Mypsace (and homepage) displays the following caption:

Pretending to be a band since 2005

Well, at least they have the courage to admit to their tenuous existence in the rock world. Most bands continue to flutter around, pretending to be a band, long after we have all stopped pretending to care. And at first blush, one could very well assume that Field Music is not only pretending to be a band, but pretending to be a band that has already existed in the past, based on the tight pop arrangements, glittering harmonies, a soothingly casual approach to melody, and an almost obsessive attention to detail.

In fact, each song passes by as if culled from the depths of a previous pop acts' catalogue, leaving the listener with a tip-of-the-tongue residue, often unquenchable the longer one decides to pursue the interminable extrapolation. But Field Music is not merely playing parakeet to their pop heroes and antecedents, for while their music recalls the past, it is derived entirely from the living imaginations of a band that has been able to synthesize the strong specter of their influences with their own profound command of song craft.

And it is comforting to know that at a time when character of a band is determined by the number of varying noises a collective can make during the 4.2 of a given song, that there is a band out there who is more than content to allow their instrumentation to do the work for them. In a pop world today that is built on frenetic Strokesisms, characteristic of post-punk New Wave syndrome, Field Music dances to the beat of a different era. One where song structure and an attention to detail is tantamount, straddling the line between art rock and a weathered new wave, reminiscent of a band that has finally shaken their training-wheels punk roots and accepted their lot as thoughtful squares as opposed to edgy idealists. Their is a purpose behind Field Music, bolstered by their restrained approach. The Rest is Noise, as the song goes.

And this is evident in the composition of each song and the interplay between instruments Bass and drums are not merely relegated to the rhythm section, but are prominently displayed adding real value to the song, buoying the melody rather than merely punctuating. Particularly with respect to a charismatic bass, that is often times driving the melody, rather than trying to keep up with the guitars and keys. This heavy display from the rhythm section then allows the melodic instruments to roam free, playing between the lines, heavy and saturating where necessary or creating light, classical atmospheres when the mood calls.

So, what does Field Music sound like? XTC, minus the early punk roots? Big Star, minus the lament? Station to Station-era Bowie, minus the movie star backdrop? Yes, minus the wandering? A Crosby, Stills, Nash harmony here, an unsettling , Peter Gabriel-style haunt there, nostalgia everywhere. But it's best to not sit there, attempting to rattle off all of the obvious influences that can be found on Measure, for while the members of Field Music are obviously students of the game, it's not mimicry that makes them successful, but their maturity and patience. There are no numbers on the pictures, nor at there any corresponding colors to be applied, which all adds up to one large cerebral exercise in creation, where songwriting and all of the implicated elements are calculated out a true passion for pop music, rather than as a exhausting chore which homage can often so often become. As if Field Music has studied what every previous pop act has done wrong, and sought to correct it over a 20-song opus, as much a criticism as it is a tribute. And over those 20 songs everything is measured, and it all appears to be done so... Effortlessly.

Maybe these cats should stop pretending to not be a band.

A Brand New Day

2010-03-09T07:50:00.001-05:00

What's this?

Has ESPN finally expanded suffrage to the unwashed masses? Allowing them to be counted amongst the Elect? Sharing public bathrooms and water fountains?

Must be a glitch in the system somewhere.

Now that ESPN can finally (finally!) market the Big Sky conference, they are fully seizing on the opportunity to do so. Those previous 27 games that each of the members of the Sun Belt took part in? Inconsequential. But now? Look out! It's CHAMPIONSHIP week!

All those nights when it said things like "Tuesday, December 12th, 2009: 0 gms?" Come on, baby, we were just playing. I mean, no one knew Texas and UConn weren't that good...

So don't say that ESPN doesn't get you ready for filling out that bracket. After all, they have given you plenty of notice about who is playing and when it goes down, well, at least in the final week of the conference play.

More Bubble Gum on the way...

How Cute...

2010-03-08T14:32:00.001-05:00

Two spoon-fed mama's boys, one from Silicon Valley, the other that speaks Italian, "toughing" it out and "scrappin" with one another out on the court.

I sure bet some of those tattoos hurt, huh, Matty?

And perhaps did one of you "warriors" tell the other to watch his back?

Matty precious, we know you're a big fan of attention and all that, but it's really not your job to posture and act like someone who you're not. Image is important but in all honesty, it's your slight frame and ridiculous tattoos that formulate your existence in the fan's perception of your as a journeyman pest.

Besides, we all know it's Kobe's job to act like someone who we all know he isn't. The only difference is, while Kobe is a chump off the court, we all know he's the man on the court... So next time you two meet up, well, you're probably fucked.

Now play nice you two, otherwise that trip to the Playa del Carmen is out of the question.

Know How I Know You're Guilty?

2010-03-08T11:15:00.000-05:00

Because you just hired the guy that got the jury to believe that Ray Lewis wasn't a murderer...

Even though we all know he is.

Just substitute the word "murderer" for another negative descriptor and you get the picture. Even if that word is only "scumbag", because at the very least, there's no way Ben is ever sidestepping that categorization.

Welcome to Kobeland.

Why Am I Not Surprised?

2010-03-08T10:17:00.000-05:00

Because we're talking about Kevin Durant.

In college, he was the best all around player as a freshman, averaging 25 points a game in a top 3 conference. In fact, during the 2006 season, he was the ONLY scorer in the top 10 from a major conference. Everybody was playing at Rice, Davidson, or some other less than respectable school. Oh, and everything i just said about scoring above? It can be applied to rebounding, too. Meaning that Kevin Durant was not only the best player on Texas (which is respectable)... Not only the best player in the Big 12 (which is impressive)... But was the best player in college basketball (which is... you know).

There's your first hint.

In his rookie campaign for the SuperSonics (RIP), he averaged 20 points, 34 minutes, and 87% from the line (tops amongst rookies in each of those categories). And as far as scorers go league-wide, Durant was in the top 25. He was also top 10 amongst rookies in rebounding... As a shooting guard.

Rookie of the year? Your second hint.

In his Sophomore effort, Durant improved his scoring by more than 5 points a game (25 per game), his shooting from the field and from 3-point land (.476 and .422, respectively), and his rebounding (+2 per game). So, not only did Durant avoid a sophomore slump, but he had suddenly became one of the most complete players in the game (= Top 10 in points, Top 40 in rebounds, Top 20 in steals, and Top 10 in Free Throw attempts).

Emergence. Your final hint.

Kevin Durant didn't come out of "nowhere." You shouldn't be surprised by his gaudy numbers this season (30 points, 6 rebounds, a steal, a block, 3 assists, and 88% from the line, to go with his 3rd most attempts in the league), because they have been building since the first time you had ever even heard his name. Could it be that Greg Oden's disappearing act is negatively impacting Durant? One bust* polluting the impact of a non-bust? Or was it the initial debate and draft results associated with these two collegiate superstars that seemed to taint Durant's potential? I'm just asking, because honestly I have no idea how people could have not seen this coming.

Does Durant belong in the MVP conversation? Based on his performance and the sudden surge by the formerly lowly OKC Thunder, absolutely. But please leave his name in the conversation, and off of the ballot, because it's not his time... Yet. Just wait until next year when he's averagin 32 points per game, 8 rebounds, and 5 assists. Then he can win.

/ Yes, I wanted the Celtics to draft Durant over Oden
// Yes, I believe Ryan Leaf would be better than Peyton Manning

* I do not believe that Oden is a "bust." He will be a solid double-double night in and night out, along with being an intimidating presence in the paint. However, so was Dikembe Mutombo, and would you use a first overall pick on him?

En Route: Sparrin'

2010-03-05T16:16:00.000-05:00

What a week for controversy, huh? Specifically surrounding the surly practice of fisticuffs. Most notably when freshman phenom Brittney Garner declared to Texas Tech's Jordan Barncastle that she would, "crimson her face in a hue not unlike her togs!" And boy did she ever.

But women's sports were not the only arena where fighting was a story. For NHL hockey, coming off a successful Olympic bump is now hearing calls to remove hockey one for all from the game. "The Olympics were great and there was no fighting," critics charge. In response, Steve Downie and Danny Carcillo dropped the gloves as soon as the opportunity presented itself this passed Tuesday. The world kept turning and everyone lived.

Anyway, I think we can all agree that fighting, well very exciting in unexpected situations such as a women's basketball game or a blowout hockey game... Wait, that last one isn't unexpected at all... REGAHDLESS, fights are best when they are planned, scheduled, and when they take place in a squared circle, or a proximal parking lot or playground. And well lookee here: don't we have something special planned for next week. No, I am not referring to several white men arguing over whether or not Xavier should be in the tournament over Memphis (they shouldn't be). I'm talking about the battle at Jerry World between Manny Pacquaio and Josh Clottey. And regardless of the outcome (Manny's gonna win), no one will be protesting or complaining that anyone got punched in the face. You know, since that's kind of the idea. And won't that be refreshing?

But let's not get ahead of ourselves, since we got plenty to talk about over the next week. As for girl fights? Well, as long as it's kept out of the ice arena, then Sean Avery shouldn't have a problem with it.

Don't fight me on this:

Best article of the week. Wanna bet? (Free Darko)
Is it better to burn out or a break a hip mid-period? (Melt Your Face Off)
Now if we can just retire the people that say such things (KSK)
Hey, geeks: check it out! (With Leather)

Hands up, y'all

Oblivious to the Obvious

2010-03-05T12:34:00.000-05:00

Having conceded the fact that this weekend belongs strictly to college basketball, with all apologies to that riveting Sox-Twins split squad down in Fort Myers, we'd like to look at the some of the better basketball games that are going to take place this weekend. Particularly, those games that often times, do not even register on ESPN as actual games (see photo).

Sure, Nova-West Virginia should be great, Kansas-Mizzou could be special, and of course, we got a Duke-UNC, even if the Heels are about to feel the steel of a Blue Devil bounce back game. But in all honesty, there are better games on this weekend. Those with even more on the line, and those could even be more entertaining than a Louis-Cuse re-match (although that one could be pretty awesome, too).

Tonight, we have a battle for the regular season MAC title. This is huge. Kent State won the first battle, and pretty easily, thanks to Justin Green's huge night (23 points, 12 rebounds). But it's not just Greene that scores for the Golden Flashes, as 4 players are averaging double-digit points. And with both teams sitting at 22-8 overall, and 12-3 in the conference, this game could very well determine if the MAC is sending only one or two teams to the dance next weekend. Unless Akron can find a way to stop the Flash offense, and put some points up of their own, then they could very well be hoping that someone can do their dirty work for them prior to the MAC tournament championship.

However, tomorrow is the big day and it doesn't disappoint, as tournament hopes could be dashed or saved before the conference tournaments even begin. In the WAC, top-seeded Utah State is taking on #2 New Mexico State. Utah has locked up the regular season crown, but the Aggies could do themselves a serious favor in terms of momentum by knocking off the top dog before the tournament... Just like they did the first time these two played. New Mexico State's Jahmar Young averages 21 points per game and Utah State has won 14 straight games... Just something to think about before turning up your nose.

And how about a battle for Christ in the Midwest? Notre Dame has been on a tear lately with victories over Pitt, Georgetown, and Connecticut, and all without their ball-hogging stud to get in the way. Marquette has looked pretty solid recently, as well, winning 9 of their last 10. The question here is; does the loser go home? If Notre Dame strings together 4-straight solid wins, do they then supplant UConn as the "team with too many losses, but too many good wins?" (especially if UConn loses to South Florida this weekend... which is entirely possible). But if Notre Dame loses, and has a less than amazing run in the Big East tournament, are they on the outside looking in? Tune in to find out in this game of "who can afford to lose the least?"

Other pretty awesome games that apparently do not factor into ESPN's calculations of what qualifiers as an actual game:

Va Tech v. Ga Tech - Yellow Jackets take to the spoiler role for all unworthy ACC teams... Which is most of them.

Noles v. Canes - Let's just all be happy this is an athletic competition rather than a spelling bee.

UTEP v. UAB - So technically this one qualifies as "a game", but it is still not on the radar and should be. But this is big C-USA doings, and UAB has got work to do since they haven't beaten anyone worth beating.

Get your dancing shoes polished, folks.

Better Know a Contender?

2010-03-04T11:33:00.002-05:00

Often times when you are a young person, nuance often goes unnoticed. For it is the subtle characteristics that truly separate the good from the wow. An understated flinch by an actor, a defensive "glue-guy" coming off the bench in the 4th quarter, a drum beat that achieves the extraordinary but by doing nothing out of the ordinary. It all adds up.

And then you have In Living Color, the over-the-top antecedent to Mad TV, which somehow had a way of making Chris Farley's Chippendale's audition look reserved. I mean, take a look at the picture: 5 of the 6 faces look retarded to some degree. The 6th? Artistically autistic... (But is there any other way?). There's no measure, there's nothing hidden, it is just all out there, and well, it worked less often than you probably remember.

Kind of like the Philadelphia Flyers, aka the Fly Girls.

Look at their numbers: 3+ G/G , top 3 on the power play (22.7%), top 7 in shots, top 5 in shots allowed, 3 players with 20+ goals, 4 players with 40+ points. These should represent a team at the top of the conference, even the league. But how about some of their other numbers? Like the fact that they have competed in 22 7+ goal games (9 9+ goal games). So, they can obviously score, but in the same way that men can be sluts, too, they also get scored on... A lot.

So what's the problem? Well, I'm not one to speak on ethnic-angled comedies, but being a white boy and seeing a black goaltender... Where was In Living Color on that one? Not that Ray Emery is the complete source of the Flyer's troubles (although he always has been trouble), after all, there other two goalies are even worse. And now that Emery is donezo for the season, the Flyers have plenty to be concerned about. There were even rumors that they would be bringing back the much maligned Marty Biron, because that would probably be the worst solution? At the moment, Flyers goaltenders are combining for a .903 save percentage, which, if were the product of one goalie, that goalie would be ranked 33rd in the league. As a unit their GAA is 2.75 (good for 29th in the league as an individual). Guess that explains all those 7 and 9+ goal games.

Sure, they're currently in the 6 slot in the Eastern Conference, but that ain't saying much considering the garbage immediately to their rear (Boston and Montreal), and the non-sense immediately to their front (Buffalo). Coincidentally, this also explains the relative success of In Living Color in the early 90's, as well as the relative lack of success of such movies as Little Man in the mid-2000's. So, unless the Flyers can stop acting like a bunch of retards, who think over-the-top displays of offense and goonery are going to get them anywhere near the the Stanley Cup, then as my man Fire Marshall Bill once said, let me show you somethin...

Players to watch:

Chris Pronger - The big bad defenseman, with the wicked awesome +/- of 24. Never any goaltender problems when this cat is on the ice, apparently. Too bad a hockey game is 60 minutes and that Pronger cannot play all of them, because when he is on the ice, the Flyers are all offense and apparently plenty of defense, too.

Mike Richards - Captain Dick is one of the steadiest players in the NHL averaging over 75 points in the last two NHL seasons (and over 200 PIM, too). He can scrap and score with the best of them, and as evidenced by his generally positive +/-, the man can backcheck, too. Oh, and he's only 25 years old... Yikes.

Michael Leighton/Brian Boucher - Now that Emery is done for the season, it's up to these two stiffs to be slightly better or worse than meh. Based on their first performance last night, it isn't looking too good early on. The Flyers biggest weakness is their goaltending, and it looks like an easy target just got softer.

Regularly Scheduled Programming

2010-03-03T13:52:00.000-05:00

Presenting a list of games that ESPN feels are more important than the Kansas (#2) - Kansas State (#5) matchup that will surely produce at least one number 1-seed in the NCAA tournament (presented in order of ridiculousness):

6. Duke (#4) v. Maryland (#23)
5. Oklahoma State (20-8) v. Texas A&M (#24)
4. UConn (17-12) v. Notre Dame (19-10)
3. Wake Forest (18-8) v. Florida State (20-8)
2. Virginia (14-13) v. Boston College (14-14)
1. Alabama (14-14) v. South Carolina (14-14)

So, let's just say for the sake of argument, that no one knew that Kansas State was going to be that good this year. Let us even pretend that Kansas State hasn't won 20 games for three straight years, not including the 2009-2010 season. Let us also pretend that Jacob Pullen and Denis Clemente were not considered to be two of the better upperclassmen in the Big 12 coming into this season. Now, even with all of this information removed from consideration, isn't an interstate battle in the last week of the season more desirable than an SEC shitstorm between two perennial losers? Or an ACC brick-a-thon? Not to mention a battle between an ACC has-been and a never-was. Shit, even on pre-season paper, the Kansas showdown looks better than the other Big 12 square dance!

But hey, at least you can watch the game on your laptop, right? Cool. Good show, ESPN. Your role as a sports gatekeeper is truly merited.

Remembering the Memorable

2010-03-03T08:19:00.000-05:00

Inspired by this piece from Fanhouse (Feel free to read it before or after. Just know that it may not be suitable for work. That is, if getting highly emotional happens to be not suitable at your office).

I was 8 years old when I had my first taste of March Madness. Sure everyone likes to look back to 1986 and pretend that Buckner brother their heart, too. Or, they pretend that the Bears stomping of the Pats had significant meaning for them as a 4 year-old. It's all bullshit. But when you're 8, things finally start to come into focus. Your own sports "career" is beginning to take flight. You are no longer hitting off the tee, the three-point line seems a little closer, and you're wrist shot might even be getting some separation from the ice. Seemingly as a result (or maybe it's just coincidence), sports as entertainment (rather than exercise) begins to take on a bigger role in your life. Memories begin to fasten themselves to your being. Often times they're silly; such as Pete Stoyanovich's NFL record 58-yard playoff field goal against the Chiefs (I was actually 9 when that happened, but let's not split hairs). But some memories are not silly. Rather, they are meaningful and perhaps more importantly, enduring. My first memory of March Madness falls into the meaningful, enduring category. And the reason for this is because of Hank Gathers.

Hank Gathers was one of the greatest college basketball players of all time and he also happened to play for one of the most exciting basketball teams if all time. Loyola Marymount? Really? Without question. At this time in my life, I had no idea who Hank Gathers was. Sure, I saw the replay when he collapsed on the court against Portland during the West Coast Conference tournament, heard the news about his death, and understood at the time that it was a tragic event. Only, I didn't really get it until a week later, when my family decided to fashion our own little pool celebrating the onset of March Madness.

But unlike most pools where the participants fill out their brackets completely, picking a winner through their own process of elimination, my family utilized the odd system of picking teams out of a hat. We each picked four pieces of paper out of a hat (there were four of us), and I can't even be sure how it worked, but I assume we left out teams ranked 13th and higher, leaving 48 possible teams. The details are a bit muddled and I can remember that my dad got UNLV and my brother got Duke and Ball State. Me? I got Loyola Marymount. The other 3 teams that I picked? They don't really matter.

So I got an 11-seed. And an emotionally distressed 11-seed at that. And one missing their best player. Sweet. Why were 11-seeds even available in this pool? Little did I realize that I had drawn the best possible team in the entire field. For LMU went on a straight up tear, ripping through New Mexico State (6), Michigan (3), and Alabama (7) all the way to the Elite Eight, where they would meet the eventual NCAA champion, UNLV (who cheated to get there, but I digress). And they did this, WITHOUT THEIR BEST PLAYER: Hank Gathers.

The day Loyola Marymount lost was a bad day. In fact, it was the first time I had ever cried as a result of a sporting outcome, one that I participated in or simply watched. The strange thing is that at the time, I didn't even appreciate Bo Kimble's lefty demonstration, or the WCC's decision to suspend the tournament and simply give the title to LMU, or how important Gathers truly was to the team. What can I say? I've always been a bleeding heart. But, it's that bleeding heart that is the reason I love sports and the reason why this blog even exists (other than it's obvious usefulness in keeping me distracted while at work). It's a passion, and what it comes down to is luck and emotion.

Luck, because well, maybe you were born in Dallas in the late 70's and all those titles came when you could fully enjoy them as a young or old teenager. Or maybe you grew up in Florida, but your dad was a Yankees fan, and in turn, you were a Yankees fan... Instead of a Florida placeholder fan. Luck because you happened to pulled the name "Loyola Marymount" out of a hat just before your sports coming-of-age.

And then there's emotion. It's what ties us to the game. Sure, you could have been born in San Francisco in the 60's, but you could have been more invested in water colors than Jerry Rice. Or, you could enjoy watching pro football in Oxford, Mississippi, but really could not care less if the Saints ended up with the Super Bowl or not, but the Rebels winning the Cotton Bowl was all that really mattered. Loyola Marymount and the story of Hank Gathers provided my first true sense of attachment to sports entertainment. I watched my dad and brother invest themselves, I remember my first Sox game (age 5 vs. Toronto), my first Bruins game (age 6 vs. Vancouver, and the Little League World Series (age 7, Trumbull, CT v. China), but this was the first time I felt something real, something personal, and something that would end up staying with me, well, for 20 years now.

3 years later, a similar incident would occur. A young athlete would go before his time, I would cry, even attend the funeral, and out of that tragedy, I would grow closer to sports (not to the Celtics, of course. They were awful). And to this day, in lieu of the fierce rivalries and the divided loyalties, I still always try to appreciate all of the special athletes out there, especially those that are good people. Because, you just never know when they are going to be gone; out of the game, out of your life, and into your heart, only because there is no place else for them to go.

And so here we are 20 years later, and you see before you the monster that was created. And it's all thanks to Hank Gathers, Loyola Marymount, and one really silly method for celebrating March Madness. Thanks, everybody.

I Am the Slime...

2010-03-02T16:02:00.000-05:00

Or, the one where we tell you what's on television because apparently that is the kind of services that blogs provide when ESPN.com is just too many letters to type into the toolbar.

Tonight!

In the awesomeness that is Olympic-catapulted NHL hockey, we got a Gold medal re-match... sorta:

Boston Bru Cru v. French Hab-nots (NESN/Le TV de Canada)

I mean, you can only watch it if you got the League Pass or live in the Boston/Montreal metro area, but whatever.

And in college hoopiness, we got two BIG, albeit barely watchable matches with serious tournament implications:

Marq'd Men v. Colonel Sanders' Special Recipe (ESPNU)

and

The Trechies v. Clem, Son (The ESPN station that doesn't actually exist on television)

So, have fun only being able to watch one of these 3 options! Yay, television!

Got Any Gum?

2010-03-02T14:10:00.001-05:00

Bubble gum, that is.

Over the next few weeks as we march toward... March... Madness (damn it) we will be reviewing and evaluating some potential suitors for miss Cinderella's big ol' ball. Which teams will make it, which teams will not, which teams give Doug Gottlieb the biggest boner, it's all here, folks! And away we go:

1. Wake Forest (18-8)

The Deacons could just as easily be interchanged with the Tigers or the Seminoles, but since they have the worst ACC record (and how sad is that?), we're putting them on the bubble. With big victories over Duke, Gonzaga, and Elon (ELON!), Wake has certainly made a case that they can compete against average to above-average white college basketball programs. However, having lost 3 straight games to black college basketball programs, the Deeks have really put themselves in a bind. And with only two games remaining, both against conference foes that are also in serious need of victories, Wake could very well drop 5 straight to close out the season.

Verdict: Out. They're losing at least two more games (one to either Clemson or Florida St. this week, and then once in the ACC tournament), and that is going to put them into double digit loss territory in a pretty soft conference. But who expected them to be this competitive this season? So.. That's something.

2. Mississippi State (21-8)

They're kind of like staring into a diarrhea-ridden toilet bowl. It's not all pure liquid, in fact, you can even see a few lumps in there. The Bulldogs are on of those lumps; juuuuust large enough to be discernible, but still basically nothing more than a piece of shit. Hey hey! They did take Kentucky to OT! Where they were promptly dispatched in the next five minutes. They also lost to Rider, Richmond, Alabama and Western Kentucky.

Verdict: In. There's no way that the committee only allows three SEC teams into the tourney. Which means both Mississippi State and Florida are going to make it in... Unfortunately.

3. San Diego State (20-8)

The Aztecs seem to be earning an invitation based on their losses more than their wins. Sure, they beat New Mexico, which is a pretty big deal. But they really haven't beaten anyone else. But it is their "good" losses to teams like New Mexico, St. Mary's, Arizona St, and BYU that have demonstrated the Aztecs "scrapability" which just drives the committee into full arousal mode... That is, if those crusties were still wood-capable. San Diego St. also benefits from a solid conference. With two ranked teams at the top of the Mountain West, there is an appearance of being competitive. Whether they are or not, well, they have 8 losses in a mid-major.

Verdict: Out. San Diego St. probably loses out to UNLV in the Mountain West sweepstakes, since the Rebels have a more impressive out-of-conference schedule. Also, the fact that the majors are going to have unacceptably bad teams accepted into the tourney really hurts their chances.

4. Harvard (20-6)

Sure, they're a bunch of spoiled geeks. But these cats can ball with the best of them. If by "the best of them" you mean, other, spoiled geeks. But the Crimson did go outside of the cozy confines of the Ivy Tower (see what I did there?), to take on some other East Coast powerhouses such as Georgetown and UConn. And they actually played UConn tough, but then again, who hasn't (aside from Texas)? But, they did beat Boston College (go ACC!).

Verdict: Out. Unless they can finally beat Cornell in the Ivy tourney. Then they have to be in. Which will probably be the first time any of these nerds has ever been invited to a party, am I right?

Weekly Big East Gut Check!

5. Georgetown? (19-9)

Why is this team ranked 20th again? They're a loss to Cincinnati away from basically being UConn, and well, as of Saturday this very well could be the case. Quick, who is the 6th place team in the Big East?

No, not Georgetown, silly.

They're in 7th.

You heard me.

Sure, they have big wins against Duke, Nova, ~~and Syracuse~~, and that is all they really need. But how abouts some losses to Old Dominion, Rutgers, and USF? They should be stricken from the tournament simply due to the colossal mindfuck that they are going to be come bracket-filling time...

Verdict: In. Of course they are. Just something to think about, when you're not pondering how annoying the Big East has been this year.

Run Mr. Virginia Man!!!

2010-03-02T10:41:00.000-05:00

Before the Zombie Singlers get you!!!

Looks like it's too late...

For the Dukies, led by their undead rebound leader, have been running roughshod over the ACC, turning their opponents into lesser minions, then forcing them to follow in their footsteps. Well, at least until the Tournament starts, because let's face it, most of these ACC stiffs are NIT-bound at best.

But that's the whole point! Duke isn't interested in companionship. They're interested in ruling the world, by first blinding all of their enemies with their overwhelmingly pale skin, and then out-scrapping their opponents thanks largely in part to their epidermal advantage. And these ain't no George A. Romero zombies. Pretty sure half of the extras in The Crazies were provided by Duke's bested adversaries now turned zombified allies.

With this affliction having almost completely consumed the ACC, the rest of the country must be on notice, for once the Madness starts, the Zombie Singlers will no longer be confined due to their regional constraints. I recommend a big ass pair of Noir sunglasses, Dwayne Wade-style body armor, and some actual basketball talent wouldn't hurt either... Considering that no one in the ACC has actually tried the latter practice, we have every reason to believe it can be a successful method for defeating these monsters.

Now begin your preparations everyone. Or otherwise, RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!!

Jason Kidd...

2010-03-01T16:08:00.000-05:00

Still a douchebag

You know, just in case you thought he wasn't a wife-beater who blows kisses before taking free throws, stoops to bush league plays such as the one featured above, and will never win an NBA title...

Just in case.

Blogsturbation Monday

2010-03-01T10:04:00.001-05:00

Choke Canada? Not quite. But the United States scoring that last minute goal was honestly the best thing that could have happened for any hockey fan, Canadian fanatics included. It fulfilled the building tension, added so much more excitement to a game that at times, like a slow dance, and ultimately re-paid Canada for that conservative trap they played over the final four minutes of the game.

No one can really be surprised by the outcome. Canada and Russia were the superstars of this show and hardly anyone picked the US to even compete for a medal, let alone Gold. But a silver is perfectly acceptable especially after such a workman-like performance not seen since the Donato-McInnis-Drury days of 1992 when the US squad competed for a Bronze against the Czechs... and the Slovaks, since they were still getting along at that time.

Privyet, Sochi! Goodbye Vancouver. And hello once again to the return of NHL hockey! We missed you around these parts. So much so that we took to appreciating just about any ice-bound sport, maybe with the exception of Ice Dancing... Because it's terrible. But now we can get back to the goods. And not just in hockey either. With only 20 games left in the NBA season (and the NHL), an impending NFL draft, spring training baseball, and of course, some serious Sickness (more to come) on the horizon, it shouldn't be all that hard to live withouth Ski Cross for the next few... years.

1... 2... 3... You're out. Purdue has an excuse, but come on Kentucky and Kansas. How to let Duke squeeze their way into the one seed. And with their win over a flounder Nova club, The Orange are suddenly the undisputed number one in the college ranks... At least until they lose to Louisville next weekend. Should be an interesting two weeks to say the least.

Let's get to it.

En Route: Peacin'

2010-02-26T16:18:00.001-05:00

On Sunday, our two week-long excuse to be lazy, glued to the television, interested in sports we have no business being interested in and which we will probably not be interested in for another four years, overly patriotic, and super jealous of all those living in the international orgy that is the Olympic village will come to an end.

And how sad is that?

As of Monday, it will be all bracketology, mock drafts, pitchers, catchers, and other useful sexual metaphors. So, farewell, Japanese women's curling team, Swedish wonen's curling team, that one Milf from the Canadian curling team, Julia Mancuso and all the emotional baggage that (apparently)comes with being on the US women's ski team (thank goodness), snowboarding chicks who only the smoke the good shit, and of course, my one true love, Kim Yu-Na. Congrats on your dazzling display last night, by the way. I will miss you all, but not enough to actually follow you in any way shape or form as of Monday morning. So should you be fortunate enough to still be young and talented enough to compete in Russia four years from now, then I will catch you all then.

Now, if you will excuse me, there is a romance that needs a little rekindling, and if you would be so kind as to return my hockey players as soon as possible, then we can get back down to serious, committed business.

And now for some more serious business:

Like new Olympic sports... Serious sports (With Leather)
And people with serious issues of over-sensitivity (AwfulAnnouncing)
Serious solutions to serious problems (Free Darko)
Seriously? Crime must be down in Philly (Zags)

It's been a pleasure.

HEADLINES. . . !

2010-02-26T10:10:00.001-05:00

Allen Iverson can no longer be bothered with games, in addition to practice...

Canadian women's hockey team looking for nice, classy evening on the town...

NBC's 'Parenthood' an original, refreshing comedy about a 'Modern Family'...

Oakland Raiders terribly confused about the source of their misfortunes...

Russia blames refs for uncontroversial loss to Canada in hockey...

John Wall would like to give early 'Thank You' to person that took his SATs...

Olympics an exciting opportunity for nations to share, compare exotic strains of herpes, other STDs...

Curling somehow drawing worse ratings than regularly scheduled CNBC programming...

Tim Tebow also just learning how to read...

Mancuso is Hotter...

Got Any Gum?

2010-02-25T15:00:00.008-05:00

Bubble gum, that is.

Over the next few weeks as we march toward... March... Madness (damn it) we will be reviewing and evaluating some potential suitors for miss Cinderella's big ol' ball. Which teams will make it, which teams will not, which teams give Doug Gottlieb the biggest boner, it's all here, folks! And away we go:

1. Cal (18-9)

The Golden Bears have had a pretty mediocre season, but considering how pathetic the PAC-10 is, this mediocrity has somehow managed to separate them from their squalor-relegated opponents. To be honest, the PAC-10 should only be sending one team to the Dance this year and Cal has done just enough to keep themselves in the hunt. However, with ugly losses to both Arizona (13-13) and Oregon State (12-14), and no big wins against non-conference opponents, Cal cannot afford another loss, whether it be over the next week or in the PAC-10 tournament.

Verdict: In. A trip to the PAC-10 final probably gets them in (along with their opponent), but a first round exit is a strong possibility either way.

2. Oklahoma State (19-8)

After starting the season with an 11-1 record, the Cowboys have been steadily unimpressive since going 8-7 in their next 15 games. Not exactly the momentum that the selection committee is looking for. With key wins over Baylor, Texas A&M, and K State, the Cowboys have certainly demonstrated how competitive they can be, but with losses to URI, Oklahoma, and Tulsa, it could be pretty easy to bounce this team from consideration, especially without a strong showing in the Big 12 tourament

Verdict: In. But only because the Big 12 catches routine blowies from the committee.

3. UAB (22-5)

With conference like, I don't know, the PAC-10 looking downright dismissible at the moment, other, potentially "lesser" conferences could reap the benefits. Conferences such as, the Conference of the United States of America: the second most patriotic conference in college basketball (The Patriot League ranks #1 in that department). And if C-USA gets multiple teams on the dancefloor than UAB could very well be getting down come mid-March. While the Blazers have had very little success against the better teams in the conference (UTEP, Memphis and Marshall), they have been utterly dominant against the weaker teams in their conference and out-of-conference (Georgia, Cincinnati, and Middle Tenn.). But the big feather in the Blazers' cap has to be their victory over Butler. In fact, Butler hasn't lost since.

Verdict: In. C-USA gets 4 teams in this year. UAB being one of them.

4. URI (20-6)

Another conference hoping to reap the benefits of a lackluster performance by the Majors is the Atlantic 10. While the Rams record looks impressive on paper, it must be noted that they are currently 6th in the A-10, which isn't all that impressive. URI has gone out of conference and won a few impressive games (BC, OK St., and Providence), but they have been utterly useless against any decent teams in their own conference (losses to Temple (2), Richmond, SLU, and Xavier), which is not a great feature to post on your resume.

Verdict: Out. Unless they win the A-10 tournament

Weekly Big East Gut Check!

5. Marquette (18-9)

The Golden Eagles might be the most frustrating team in the Big East... That is if UCONN were not in the Big East. But side from that obvious anomaly, the Golden Eagles have had very few bad losses (two actually: Depaul and NC St.), that is if you do not consider close/blown games as bad losses. And if you remove the loss to Wisconsin (#19), Marquette has lost 8 games by a total of 23 points. Meaning, they're losing to teams like Villanova, West Virginia, and Syracuse by 3 points or less. With one big win over Georgetown and another potentially big win over UCONN, Marquette is teetering on the edge of NIT-dom.

Verdict: In. We're talking Big East here, folks. But, if they lose to South Florida in their first game of the Big East tournament, then kiss their chances goodbye.

Better Know a Contender?

2010-02-25T12:00:00.000-05:00

WHO YUH GOT?!?

The current standings place the stunning Korean, Kim Yu-Na at the top of the heap. Her Japanese rival, Asada Mao currently sits in second. And hometown favorite, the bereaved Joannie Rochette would be bringing home bronze if the medal were handed out this afternoon. But of course they are not, since we still have the Women's Free Skate to enjoy!

The Americans? Well, they're currently sitting 5 and 6 (Rachel Flatt and Mirai Nagasu, respectively). Neither of them probably have a shot at the podium, and I don't know if you've heard about that little streak or not, but it will be interesting to see who comes out on top in this inter-country battle. Personally, I think Nagasu skates circles and lutzes around Flatt, but who am I to judge judges.

The real question here though is, can anyone even compete with the Korean superstar, Kim Yu-Na? Not only is she a more talented skater and with more personality than anyone else in the competition, but she might be the hottest thing in the Olympic games (you heard me, Dupont!).

~~Players~~ What to Watch:

Joannie Rochette - Her mother just died and yet this girl still had the courage and concentration to go out there and kill it on Tuesday night. She is a very good skater, but one has to wonder how much the judges are influenced by both her story, and the home ice advantage, because in all honesty her performance, aside from the drama, was no where near the quality of the top 2 skaters even though it was judged that way. I'm rooting for her anyway.

Rachel Flatt - She is considered to be America's best chance at a medal, but if that's truly the case, then we don't have a chance. While solid, Flatt has neither the aerial assault, nor the grace to compete with the top flight skaters. Plus, I mean, she's kinda chunky, no?

Mirai Nagasu - To be honest, I thought Nagasu was judged pretty poorly the other night, but that happens to young skaters a lot of the time in their first Olympic appearance. Flatt may get the better scores this time around, but Nagasu is definitely the future of US Women's figure skating. Her spins dazzle and she is incredibly smooth in her exhibition. A definite Gold medal contender in 2014... Even if she is potentially a cokehead.

Asada Mao - Perhaps the only skater in the competition that is theoretically capable of beating Kim Yu-Na, Mao (wait, a Japanese girl named Mao? I'm so confused) is considered to be stronger in the long program than she is in the short. If that is the case, then we could certainly have some drama on our hands considering how well she skated the other night. I can guarantee that every Korean on the planet will be pulling for her to face plant off her first triple axel (which Kim does not have), but for the sake of competition, let's hope this doesn't happen

Kim Yu-Na - Oh my darling, Kim Yu-Na. Already a superstar in her homeland, appearing in all kinds of ridiculous Korean commercials... Wait, all Korean commercials are ridiculous. Please forgive the redundancy... the hopes of Korean pride fall squarely on the shoulders of this skating phenom. Kim has the ability to make the most technical jumps (eg. her triple-triple combinations) look smooth and easy and perhaps better than anyone else, has an appreciation for the entertainment value that fans and judges expect.

Oh, and I love her.

Short Track Speed Skating I Love You

2010-02-25T10:00:00.000-05:00

But sooner or later you're going to have to face the fact that you're a god damned asshole.

You're like NASCAR, only not as prolonged.

You're like musical chairs only cooler (and only slightly).

You're like roller derby just with less teamwork (and again only slightly).

You're like regular speed skating only, you know, less athletic.

Where did this event come from anyway? Probably from the short person factory, because unless you come in at under 5'6, then you don't have a chance in this sport. In fact, I'm pretty sure they got the idea from watching rats wiggle through confined mazes in search of that ever-elusive slice of cheddar. Make the maze a circle, put it on ice, sprinkle a few Koreans out there and boom: short track.

You could argue that ski cross is a similar situation, but the difference is the beginning of the race, or the "rhythm section" as it has been labeled which almost universally separates the racers and much moreso than the "race to the front" that occurs at the beginning of a short track race, and which never actually separates the racers, leading to physical contact between skaters, which no one on earth, not even the judges, being able to determine to be either legal or illegal. So, it is more or less just a free-for-all without any real way of determining who is good, bad, or dirty... Even though we all know it is the South Koreans who are dirty. Oh, and the Chinese, too.

Plus, short track is also responsible for the creation of one colossal clown in Apollo Anton Ohno and his oh-so-edgy bandanna. The dude who yawns, and is then asked to explain why he yawns (because he's unimpressed). The dude who is has a dad, and is then asked to explain why he has a dad (because dads are so in right now). The dude who celebrates bronze medals, digits in the air, as if they matter (because Gold is so 2000).

And yes I'm transfixed every evening, with heart pounding, and a firm stake in each and every race, hoping Lee Jung-Su takes out Lee Ho-Suk, so AA Oh-No can swoop in and earn another unearned medal. Just like a good asshole does: grossing you out, yet sucking you in at the same time.

And it's shitty.

Oh. Snap.

2010-02-24T10:50:00.000-05:00

Thanks to the Sportress for the tip.

Gold Medal Round: Canada vs. Russia

2010-02-24T10:15:00.001-05:00

The Dream Game is finally upon us, folks and not a moment too soon. The two hands down, best teams on the international circuit will clash this evening for the Gold medal and it should be...

What's that? We're not in the medal round yet? Are you sure? Well, what round are we in? THE QUARTERFINALS?!?

Well now, looks as if this whole Olympic hockey thing has not gone according to plan as the two superior clubs (on paper) have already combined for two more losses than both the United States and Sweden combined. And with one of these teams inevitably receiving a second loss sometime this evening, it has been guaranteed that at least one or the other, will be leaving Vancouver without a medal. And considering the stiff competition that awaits the winner and the overall lack of solid play from these two squads, zero medals for either team is appearing very likely at this point.

But regardless of the implications, how about the game itself? These are the two most decorated nations in Olympic hockey history and both have something to prove. And while Canada does have an edge in Gold count, Russia has historically dominated the 'Nucks by a tally of 9 to 1. But it is difficult to say if any player on either team really pays much attention to these series details. The real feature of this matchup, and the one that everyone will be watching, is the battle between the two best hockey players in the world: Sid v. Ovie. Can Canada contain #8? Will Russia lose track of the Kid? Will Alexander and Sidney play nice?

Both countries have a lot riding on this game. Russia is still fuming over the apparent robbery that took place during Men's Figure Skating, and has suddenly placed all Olympic hopes on the backs of their Men's hockey team. Canada has and is now placing even more pressure on their hockey team in the wake of their less-then-impressive performance to date. Sure, a few snowboard medals are nice, but hockey is THE sport in Canada and one has to wonder if coming home empty-handed is an option for this squad... Especially for such a talented squad.

But now that the NHL has gobbled up all of the great international players from both countries, one has to wonder how much effort these guys are putting forth anyway. I mean, nationalism is great and all, but isn't pride of the homeland such a Third Estate kind of quality? Once you're cashing a 5-figure check on a bi-weekly basis at the local Bank of America, one can only assume that some kind of alienation takes place that not even two weeks of irrationally feigned patriotism could hope to conquer...

Anyway...

Enjoy the game y'all!

God Damn It, UCONN

2010-02-23T15:38:00.003-05:00

Would you please stop fucking this whole thing up?

Seriously!

You're an 11-loss squad that will most likely be (at least) 12 losses deep come Selection Sunday, since you're definitely not winning the Big East tournament. And because you have so many damn losses (in addition to 5 or 6 HUGE wins), any team that has beaten you (Marquette, Louisville) does not have their tourney resume bolstered as a result. In other words, you're fucking useless.

By and large, UCONN represents an, er, larger issue though. The problem with the Big East. If you are a 9+ loss team in the Big East, do you represent A) a 6-loss team in any other conference or B) are you just another scrub bubble team reaching for a bid like anyone else? And with the recent stumble of Villanova and West Virginia, how sure can we be of the Big East's superiority? I mean, of course it is better than the Big 10, but so is the Missouri Valley Conference, so that isn't saying much.

Either way, it will be interesting to see what kind of respect the committee pays to the Big East. Each team still has at least 3 or 4 games left to play in the regular season, and considering UCONN's track record in particular, it will be interesting to see if a 12-13 loss team, with a few high-profile victories can actually gain entrance to the Dance. One thing is for certain, whether the Huskies are a 12-seed in the tourney, or a 3-seed in the NIT, Jim Calhoun will NOT be happy about it.

Of All the Bad Ideas...

2010-02-23T11:40:00.000-05:00

This is probably your worst.

Interminably bland, annoying, and excuse-oriented Olympic medalist to appear on interminably interminable, flip-flopping, uncomical clown's first annoying show back since killing the funny on NBC.

Honestly, gang, Leno can't even make this guy seem interesting, so how on earth are people going to be interested in Lindsey Vonn? Let me guess how the questioning goes:

Leno: So how's your shin?

Vonn: (laughs) It's better, yeah.

Leno: I mean, I though you were coming out here in a wheelchair because you were in some serious pain out there.

Vonn: (laughs) I know. It was really hard. I mean, it's probably the reason why I didn't win gold in the combined.

Leno: So there was some controvery heading into the Olympics now wasn't there. Apparently there were some photos of you appearing in something less than your usual attire.

Vonn: (laughs) Yeah, well I did some photoshoots for Sports Illustrated. You know, since I obviously have no personality, I thought it would be a good idea to sell my body, you know, in order to give people something to talk about other than my frequent tendency to make excuses and rattle off canned responses to post-race questions with things like "I really gave it all my out there." or, "I just didn't have enough gas in the tank." or, "I'm not sure if I adequately explained the extent of my shin injury." and "It is what it is."

Leno: Yeah.

Obviously, the attention-whore that he is, Jay is simply just trying to get a piece of the Olympics momentum before it inevitably loses steam over the next the 1-2 weeks, and when we have to explain the rules of curling to everyone all over again. But come on, if you want a real interview, then everyone knows that Shaun White or Bode Miller is the well that you need to drill. Why? Because they have something to say, and most importantly, THEY'RE NOT LINDSEY VONN. Oh, and don't forget, they're both better at what they do than Vonn. But who cares about that, right? Not the guy that never had any talent to begin with, that's for sure!

Piss off, Leno. I want my OB back.

Something New Every Day

2010-02-23T10:21:00.000-05:00

Turns out that Tim Tebow is currently working with a few ex-NFL coaches in order to fine-tune his throwing mechanics and also learn how to come out of a 3 to 5 step drop. Some may charge that this is pretty late in the game for such schooling. Others that this is simply a reactionary move by the Tebow camp to silence critics in advance of the NFL Draft. But either way, this isn't the first time we have seen such maneuvers, and we even have a few recent examples that will suggest that Tebow isn't the only one heading into The Show with a few inadequacies.

In baseball, for example, Stephen Strasburg is a future star with all the tools for success. But did you know that he does not know how to pitch out the stretch? That's right. He is so used to dominating from Little League on through the College World Series, that he so rarely had runners on base, and even when he did, he knew the next guy was out, so he didn't even bother pitching from the stretch. This is sure to change once he gets to the bigs, so he is currently working with Tom Emanski and former Nationals star John Patterson. Some have said that Strasburg should have been forced to pitch from the stretch during his college career in order to prepare him for the Major Leagues. In response, Strasburg has simply said, "I do what I want."

In basketball, future #1 overall pick John Wall is physically incapable of dribbling with his left hand. And he's a point guard! His primary responsibility is to dribble down the floor, penetrate when necessary, and find the open man for easy buckets. Just watch him; see if he ever goes left on an opposing guard. He won't! And if he does, it will be by using his right hand, keeping the ball on the inside between him and his defender and then, in some cases, pulling back for a fade away. Sure, due to Wall's superior athletic ability, he can get away with such behavior in college, but in the NBA? If you don't think Rondo is stealing the ball, his wallet, and his girlfriend with that weak action, the you're kidding yourself. Rumor has it that John Wall has already begun preliminary talks with former Supersonics great Gary Payton to work on basic dribbling drills and skills once the NCAA tournament is complete, in preparation for the NBA draft.

An even larger example? How about Sidney Crosby. The perfect game? Is that what you think? Before Crosby even stepped onto the ice at the Mellon Arena, Crosby, well, had never actually stepped onto ice, unless it was by accident back in Nova Scotia. You heard me. Crosby was known for being the complete player, not on the ice, but on the wood. Crosby was the quintessential inline (or Quad) hockey player up in the North country. It was not until the Penguins approached Crosby with a lucrative contract, that he had ever even considered lacing up hockey skates and taking to the frozen sheet. At first, it looked as if he had still had his skate guards on, felling down with each simple turn or transition. But look at him now.

So it does look like there is hope for young Timmy, the miracle child. After all, if he can conquer a Filipino hospital and his mother's busted womb, then how hard can poor throwing mechanics and taking snaps from under center really be? Chin up, Timmy boy. I'm sure some sad sucker is surely willing to make a huge mistake come Draft day 3.

Hi, I'm Bode Miller

2010-02-22T16:02:00.001-05:00

These days, I keep my arms in the air like this now that I am a GOLD medalist. It's pretty awesome and sure, they get a little tired, but the work doesn't stop when you get to the top of the mountain. A lot of you probably know nothing about that.

But to all of those who supported me through the years, from Salt Lake, through Torino, all the way to the current games up in Vancouver. I could not have done it without your consistent encouragement. These medals here in Vancouver are all yours. Well, maybe except for the gold. I'm gonna hang onto that one for the time being. Seriously, gang, you are the best and I hope you have all enjoyed the run as much as I have.

And to all you journalists who called me out, profited off of my stumbles and storylines, and wrote me off heading into this Olympics, well, you can all fuck yourselves. To Brian Murphy, Eric Adelson, Colin Cowherd, and Skip Bayless, and to all the people who have fashioned themselves out of the "bad news is the only good news" model, seriously, remove each individual member from the overflowing bag of dicks, and fuck yourselves... repeatedly. Why am I less of a story now, then 4 years ago? I have 3 medals, including on fucking gold, yet somehow, curling seems to be a bigger draw. Is it because our curlers aren't any good? Is it because it is easier to mock than to promote? Is it because the media and perhaps its consumers see the negative as a much more attractive sentiment than achievement and the exorcism of personal demons? Either way, it still looks like there are a few dicks in that bag, and I'm not hearing nearly enough grunting, moaning, or even giggling.

Oh, am I boring you? Is that the problem? I figured that the profanity and adult content would add fuel to your twisted fire and maybe even spawn some additional paternalistic journalism. Or is it that you are just not used to receiving lectures from the "immature?" But you know what I find to be immature? Comdemnation of one's character resulting from a brief judgement period, and based almost exclusviely on impersonal soundbytes and largely irrelevant sports performances. But, hate sells, am I right? And I do understand that I am killing you guys right now, so tell you what, maybe before the upcoming slalom race, I will ride with a joint in my mouth and maybe miss a gate or two? Or maybe I'll french kiss the first female I see once I get to the bottom of the hill, huh? Watch out, Mary Carillo!

Or maybe I'll just keep winning. Keep pulling down those precious medals. And most importantly, keep you all quiet, searching for your next target. God knows there is another one out there, and I can only assume that he or she is just as excited I had been previously, to tell you all, to get fuck yourselves. Happy Olympics!

Bode. Out.

En Route: Standin'

2010-02-19T15:12:00.001-05:00

So apparently lent is upon us or something, which is when this tax-free corporation peddling in fluff and assumption tries to make us give something or somethings up for 40 days in honor of sacrifice. As in like, Oh my god, I don't know how I'm gonna go without french fries for the next 6 weeks. Or like, man, not masturbating is gonna be tough, so I'm just gonna go out and get drunk and masturbate into someone's vagina/anus. You know, the typical stuff.

Well tell you what, oh ye of questionable faith, there was once this great man whose name also began with a J. He suffered greatly before his death but was none for doing great things before he died, most notably, winning a National Championship for a shitty southern school on the East Coast. And before he died, he wanted to get his message across, namely that you need to live live to its fullest potential. By soaking up and experiencing everything about it. The pain, the joy, the details, your smallest day-to-day relationships, the sexually transmitted diseases, the meat on Fridays, hell, the meat at Friday's. And while I cannot fully endorse that final proclamation, who am I to say otherwise? But most importantly, this man provided us all a philosophy to which I stand by to this very day. Namely, never give up.

Fucking EVER.

Alcohol? Never. Drugs? Never. Big Macs? NEVER! Masturbation? Never ever... YOU HEAR ME?!?

Still not convinced? Fine, I will give up something then. For Lent, I'm giving up Lent. Now back the fuck up and give me that filet. I don't care what the day says.

Other things that should not be given up:

Making completely inappropriate comments about co-workers (The Big Lead)
Being really, really... REALLY creepy (The Sportress)
Being bipolar? And/or lying about being bipolar? (Free Darko)
And of course, making terrible decisions (Zoner Sports)

Hey, that last one looked familiar...

Don't you go changin'!

For What Tiger Will Apologize...

2010-02-19T10:15:00.002-05:00

No one knows for sure, but we have our suspicions and we're prepared to share them with one and all.

Here goes:

For betraying the trust and admiration of his all his fans, friends, and most importantly, his family...

For embarrassing his sponsors, past and present, and for harming their public image...

For forcing everyone to watch and potentially even pull for Geoff Ogilvy each Thursday-Sunday...

For disappearing off of ESPN's Tiger Tracker for the past few months...

For making TMZ the world's #1 news outlet for 4 solid weeks...

For distracting the American public away from the Obama administration's ineptitude, as well the Republicans primary objective to equate the president with Hitler...

For that stain that, let's face it, will actually never come clean...

For that time we role played to the script of American Psycho and the chainsaw just got a little too close to your body...

For saying that your breasts were not as lush as Mickelson's...

For convincing you that I prefer the back 9 to the front 9... If you know what I mean...

For sighting the PGA rule book, thereby preventing that fifth participant in our group, because it would have been that much more fun...

For Paul Greengrass' The Green Zone not being called The Bourne Omnipotency, even though that's what it probably should have been called since it's the same god damn movie as the other three...

For the death of that luger guy who died before the Olympics, because I don't know, I kind of feel responsible for that one for some reason...

For getting in the way of more important news stories like the global recession, genocide in various locations across the planet, a military coup in Niger, climate change, and all the other stories that you should care about but don't since you are too lazy, dumb and nosy to care about...

Honestly, fuck you, guys. Grow up. I'm Tiger Woods and I'm about go win the Masters this April and their ain't a damn thing you, the media, or anyone on the PGA Tour can do about it. And your name don't have to be "Loredana Jolie Ferriolo" to choke on that!

I'm Tiger Woods, bitch-ez!

Friday Bonebag

2010-02-19T08:31:00.003-05:00

/Friday Shitbag

Bonebag:

Now that's how two superstars go at it. 40+ points for both Bron Bron and Melo. A (HUGE) triple double for the King. A victory for Melotron. A fantastic overtime game for all. There was nothing objectionable about this game: the turnovers were limited (15 combined), the shooting was solid (pushing .500), and the drama, well, it was there. Down the stretch, Lebron and Carmelo seemingly matched one another shot-for-shot, with James putting in 15 points in the 4th quarter and Anthony posting 11. But it was the Orangeman who would get the last laugh, by hitting the game winner in OT. Please let these teams meat in the NBA Finals.

Shitbag:

The Celtics-Lake show affair came off like a series of B list actors crashing a party thrown by Daniel Day Lewis. Kobe wasn't feeling well, the shooting was dreadful (.420), the game itself had no flow, and featured one of the worst fourth quarters possible with a combined 29 points being provided (Celtics 2-14, Lakers 3-15... According the ESPN's Shot Chart which is definitely not accurate). Either way, you get the point. Let this please not be the Finals matchup.

Well, we can pretty much guarantee that it won't be since the Celtics are awful.

Better Know a Contender?

2010-02-18T15:07:00.000-05:00

Who yuh got?!?

The top 3 spots belong to the comeback kid, Daisuke (!) Takahashi, the weeping baby, Evan Lysacek, and Stalin's youth, Evgeni Plushenko. At the moment, these three are separated by less than one point, which is pretty freaking awesome, considering the amount of pressure that will be placed on them tonight.

Plushenko is the favorite for certain, not only in the eyes of observers, but also in his own head. However, Lyscacek and even Daisuke-san certainly have the tools to de-throne the Turin gold medal winner if they can keep their shit together.

Johnny (Q.) Weir? Well, he's in 6th place and probably doesn't even have an outside shot at the podium, but either way, isn't he fabulous?

~~Players~~ What to Watch:

Plushenko: He's one of the few skaters on the planet that can successfully land a "quad", short for the quadruple toe-loop. And not only can he land it, but he also lands a trip toe-loop combination for good measure. However, Plushenko is neither known for his footwork nor his style. But considering his athleticism, he might not need it.

Lysacek: Call him #2. because while he is certainly a technically sound skater, he cannot hit the quad, and that is ultimately what separates him from Plushenko. He's not a flashy skater, yet he is efficient and nearly perfect on the ice. If Lysacek steps up his footwork, then he could very well overtake Plushenko with or without the quad in his program.

Daisuke-san: After coming off some serious knee surgery in the summer of 2009, no one was sure if Takahashi would be able to regain his old form. He put those worries to rest on Tuesday night when he scored 90+ points in the short program. Takahashi is a superior style-skater bringing a Latino-by-way-of-Asia flair that most skater cannot touch. He doesn't have the same acrobatics that other skaters have, but his attitude and footwork more than make up for that "weakness."

Johnny Q: He's probably a better showman than he is a skater, but that just shows how good of a showman he actually is. Because Johnny has skills... you just have to wonder about his focus. Johnny is indeed fun to watch, but he doesn't have the tools to contend this year. So do watch, because a dildo in the Kiss-and-Cry are is certainly a possibility. Just don't be upset when he doesn't win anything... Yuh Queeh.

Stephane Lambiel: Call me Dark Horse. The only other competitor in this shindig that can land a quad-triple combination, and the man with perhaps the most style than any skater on the earth. He is Plushenko's opposite stylistically since this cat oozes panache and charm. And wait until you see him spin. There is more character and grace to his spinning than you can even imagine. He is behind a little bit, but is he skates perfectly, then he could very well be standing on the podium at night's end, and with a gold charm around his neck.

Figure Skating, Bitch!

What Happens to a Trade Deferred?

2010-02-18T10:59:00.001-05:00

Does it miss the playoffs -- like a Phoenix Sun?

Or sulk like a soar sport -- refusing to run?

Does it stink like Hasheem Thabeet?

Or crust and scab over-- like athlete's feet

Maybe it just sags like a salary cap expense.

Or does it play defense?

Looks like the NBA trade deadline is going to pass by with barely a whimper. Antawn Jamison to the Cavs? Whatever helps you sleep at night, Cleveland. McGrady to the Knicks? Look out, playoffs! Robinson to the Celtics? NBA must be allowing the Celtics to play with more than one ball on the court at a time. Thomas and Elson to the Bulls?!? Those two pawns will surely serve their sacrificial purpose before the Queen in the 2nd round of the Eastern Conference playoffs.

More and more the NBA trade deadline is beginning to look more like the NFL trade deadline (wait, does something like that even exist in the NFL? Who cares). Ultimately, the more things change, the more they stay the same. Salary dumping is the primary objective, especially in lieu of the upcoming free agent class, and so the only teams that have a true need to become better are the teams trying to keep their big stars from fleeing the scene come July. In other words, the Cavaliers and Heat. Everyone else in the league is simply trying to create wiggle room in order to become more competitive in the open market this summer. But, since everyone is in the same boat, trading one oar for another really doesn't make all that much sense in the grand scheme.

In fact, the only teams that actually appear to be trying to get better in the here and now are the Rockets (Kevin Martin over a useless T Mac) and Celtics (A scoring guard over a... scoring guard)... And only technically. Sure, the Cavs have improved in a way, but this seems more like a meager gesture to the King, than an actual attempt at sharpening the spear. Okay, I think we've had enough royal metaphors for one post. Our eyes and ears are open for something cool to happen, but this is the NBA, not the NHL, so what are the chances really?

Curling Prospect #4: Wally White

2010-02-17T13:13:00.001-05:00

Sure, America is not known for its Curling prowess, but you heard it here first, folks: The eagle is on the rise.

In fact, the US government has been secretly ciphering money off to the United States Curling Association (USCA) in hopes of developing some serious talent for the 2014 games in Russia, in order to show Svetlana and company that we're here to dominate all sports and not just the snowboard competition.

The goal: to medal by any means necessary.

The means: the best American athletes in... America.

Introducing curling prospect #4: Wally White.

Known as "the Poet" as he is a comedy to his teammates, a tragedy to his opponents, and an inspiration to the world. According to Curling Magazine's Sal Triper, America's leading curling scout, the southpaw White "reminds scouts of the phenomenon Evans (class of 72'), with a natural left hand, able to deliver the rock from all angles. Ability to glide on all surfaces. Team leader, never hesitates to command his sweepers. As "sure" a pick as you can make, this guy has all the tools."

Well, America, it looks like your ice-driven prayers have been answered, for it is only a matter of time until we assume our place at the rightful place at the top of cold weather athletic food chain. More prospects to follow, but perhaps none as electrifying as "the Poet" and his sheets of ice.

Which Underdog Will Choke Next?!?!

2010-02-17T11:44:00.001-05:00

Because the suspense is just killing us all!

Last night, the Mississippi State Bulldogs blew a 7-point lead in just over 2 minutes, after refusing to score a bucket in the final three minutes of regulation against the top ranked Kittens of Calipari U. Watching the Bulldogs offense, you could tell they really had no chance to win, even when they were leading. Their offense was far too stagnant for a team this deep into the season, and their rebounding was atrocious. In fact, the only rebounds they seemed to recover were a result of the heavy bricks they were laying down the stretch that would bounce so far off the rim that only point guards and those with front row seats actually had a chance of tracking them down (38.6% shooting, out-rebounded 49-29).

And this disaster came right on the heels of Texas A&M (and specifically, Bryan Davis: 2-9 shooting, 5 fouls and 6 turnovers) pissing away the perfect opportunity to take out the Selfish Ones on their home court the previous night. Although to be fair, the Aggies did manage to make the Bulldogs look good (honestly), when they were unable to score in the last FOUR minutes of the game, and all that after holding onto a 4-point lead with just under 5 minutes to go. Way to go, guys.

Jesus... Good thing UCONN spared us (pero, asi es el Big East), but you just know that down the stretch that there is a whole lot more of this to come. So who you got?!?

The Buckeyes folding against the Boilermakers?
The Darks gagging at home against the Lights?
Or maybe the Tigers going 0-19 in the last 12 minutes of the game against the Horns? .

Yeah, that feels like the one. Bubble gum Missouri blowing their chances at March glory? Sounds about right..

Here's to a frustrating few nights of college ball, folks! Now where's my remote? The Men's Free Skate should be starting anytime now, and Johnny Weir has been looking fabulous.

Why Olympic Hockey is Better than Your Favorite Sport

2010-02-17T10:51:00.000-05:00

Because two dream teams are better than one.

Let's just take a look at the rosters, shall we?

Team Boris:

Malkin (65 points)
Ovechkin (League points leader.. 89)
Kovalchuk (7th most goals)
Datsyuk (Red Wings points leader)
Semin (tied with Malkin for points)
Fedorov (Remember him?)
Kovalev (Perenially awesome)
Yashin (Averaged over 60 points per year in NHL career)

Gonchar (8th in points amongst defenseman)
Markov (Averaging over 50 points per year as a defenseman)
Zubov (See Markov)

Nabokov (3rd best Save %)
Bryzgalov (6 Shutouts, 32 wins)

But unlike Team Russia, the Canucks are rocking an all-NHL squad, that is somehow, even more impressive:

Team Molson:

Crosby (Third in points)
Iginla (Averaging over 90 points the last 3 seasons)
Thornton (NHL assists leader)
Getzlaf (9th in assists)
Heatley (10th in points)
Savard (Averaging 60 assists per year)
Nash (11th in goals)
Lecavalier (Averaging over 40 assists per season)
Staal (Averaging over 80 points last 4 seasons)

Pronger (Arguably, NHL's best defenseman
Green (Leads defenseman in points... 60)
Bouwmeester (3rd in TOI)
Keith (2nd in assists amongst defenseman)
Niedermayer (4th in TOI)

Brodeur (Best goalie ever)
Luongo (Maybe the most consistent goalie in the game)

And the good news is that we will eventually get to see who is the better of these two Dream Teams once the Gold medal round rolls around, because let's not kid ourselves; these are the best two teams ever assembled and everyone else in pretty much fucked as a result. But at the very least I am willing to drop all the patriotic bullshit medal count non-sense in honor of some pure hockey excellence.

Why Do We Fall?

2010-02-16T11:32:00.000-05:00

To embarass ourselves and subsequently be removed from medal consideration, of course.

Yay!!!

I actually like figure skating. Sure, it's gay, but gay can be awesome (see: lesbians and leotards), and most notably during pairs figure skating. It's beautiful and it's impressive, but sometimes it can be awful. Like last night. When just about everyone, with the exception of the Silver and Gold medal winners, took a seat at various points during the long program (eg. the "Free Skate"). The competition was so bad, that the the German team (who also fell) still managed to snag Bronze since, well, everyone else sucked just a little more.

Alongside the Germans on the podium were two Chinese couples, who will in turn be donating their medals to the Chinese government to be melted down and then evenly distributed throughout the country-side to 400 or 500 million people.

The Biggest Loser: Yuko Kavaguti.

The Japanses-born skater who defected from Japan, in order to live in St. Petersburg and win a medal for Russia. Well, her squad took fourth.

I wonder if she feels shame in Japanese or Russian... Hmmm.