Countdown to 2010: Self-Defense Edition

As your may or may not know, the extraordinarily dangerous (oh, and beautiful) country of South Africa will be hosting the World Cup in the summer of 2010. This asshole plans on attending so long as this site starts bringing the appropriate level of advertising revenue. So far we're off to a bad start, but a man can dream, right? Tickets are on sale as we speak and the South African government, as well as capitalists across the world are scrambling to ensure a safe and pleasurable experience for international visitors arriving to support their teams.

Now we have mentioned (repeatedly) how dangerous South Africa can be, especially when throngs of tourists descend upon a country whose crime rate rivals that of Baghdad circa May of 2003.  The logistical nightmare presented to South African police forces is profound to say the least, and so in reality, there is no way that your safety can be truly secured.  For this reason, the good people at Protektorvest® ask the question, "Why not protect yourself?"

Introducing, your Joe Flacco-certified, World Cup 2010 commemorative knife-proof vest!

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On the Set of Invictus

Clint Eastwood brings in both Matt Damon and Morgan Freeman to read the script before shooting has even begun.  Morgan Freeman is solemn.  Matt Damon is confused.  Clint Eastwood is ornery.

CE: Okay fellas, let's run through this a little bit so we can all get comfortable with the subject matter.  Even today, the issue of Apartheid is still controversial and we need to respect the fact that the situation is tender within South Africa.  And we must also pay tribute to this fact.

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Countdown to 2010: Quick Draw Edition

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

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Countdown to 2010: Invasion Edition!

As your may or may not know, the extraordinarily dangerous (oh, and beautiful) country of South Africa will be hosting the World Cup in the summer of 2010. This asshole plans on attending so long as this site starts bringing the appropriate level of advertising revenue. So far we're off to a bad start, but a man can dream, right? Tickets are on sale as we speak and the South African government is scrambling to ensure that their country will be a safe and pleasurable experience for international visitors arriving to support their teams, as well as to enjoy the sites and smells of the Cradle of Civilization.

Go on...

Countdown to 2010... Hospitality Edition

As your may or may not know, the extraodinarily dangerous (oh, and beautiful) country of South Africa will be hosting the World Cup in the summer of 2010. This asshole plans on attending so long as this site starts bringing the appropriate level of advertising revenue. So far we're off to a bad start, but a man can dream, right? Tickets are already on sale as we speak (well, the lottery for tickets is underway), and South Africa is encouraging their citizens to be great hosts. How? Glad you asked! The 2010 Local Organising Committee, the International Marketing Council of South Africa (IMC) and South African Tourism have put their heads together and come up with six ways in which you can be a great 2009 and 2010 host. Here goes (probably) nothing:

1. Be informed

Know what's going down in your own backyard. For pretty much everything you might need to know - about the teams, the venues, the dates, the host cities, the work that's going in to get the country geared - check out:

• Fifa 2009 website
• Fifa 2010 website
• SA government 2010 website
• SA Tourism 2010 website
• 2010 good news
• 2010 readiness updates

2. Support our country

Learn to sing the national anthem. Fly the national flag. We're footballing into the future - don't be left behind!

3. Support our team, support our players

We did it in 1996, and Bafana Bafana came out of international isolation to win the African Cup of Nations. Co-hosts South Korea got behind their team in 2002, and their team responded by upsetting favourites Spain in the quarterfinals to become the first Asian team to reach the World Cup semifinals.

Germany did the same in 2006, and their team - previously written off at home and abroad - went as far as extra time in the semifinals before bowing out to eventual tournament winners Italy.

4. Learn to blow a vuvuzela ...

... Get yourself a makarapa. Wear a Zakumi badge. Follow the games. Talk about them over a pap 'n vleis braai. Get interested. Do any of these things in the spirit of Bafana, and you can count yourself a Bafana Bafana fan!

5. GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO to a game!

Buy yourself and your kids/granddad/partner/buddy tickets to a Confederations Cup match. Maybe you're the CEO? Buy tickets for your staff - it'll be the best (and cheapest) corporate bonding outing you ever organise!

And when you go to a game, gents, it's time to ...

6. Do things THE RIGHT WAY

• Get to the stadium an hour before the game.
• Check your ticket, know your number, and sit in your designated seat.
• Don't use the steps as seats.
• Don't bring bottles or other "cellular" to the stadium (if you know what we're talking about, then we're talking to you!)

Since just as many South Africans will read and follow these tips as will read this here blog, allow me to throw a couple more recommendations out there:

1. Try not to murder, rape, or assault your guest

• That's right! Although South Africa is one of the top-ranked (or is it bottom-ranked?) countries in the world with respect to crime, these actions are, in fact, a terrible way to make your guest feel at home in your country. We would encourage you to be as peaceful and polite as possible. Besides, if you kill everyone, then how are going to be able to mug them on future visits?

2. Caring is Sharing, but HIV is for you, and you alone

• While you will surely encounter many, MANY horny internationals that are eager to sample the exotic... cuisine of your rich culture, just know (ladies) that the more contained the virus is, the better off everyone is. And for you guys, women from other countries tend to just be afraid of you. Perhaps this is due to your large... muscles. So please feel free to flirt, but do draw a line in the sand. Unless you encounter a Spaniard, then you are free to do what you will.

3. And lastly, not all whiteys are created the same

• Sure, Apartheid was a terrible practice perpetrated by paternalist, racist douchebags hiding behind a guise of civilized culture and progress, but let's be honest, not ALL of us would have done the same thing. Just the pig-fuckers who strolled in from the Netherlands. So the next time I, or somebody else, refuses to throw a few rands your way, please don't accuse me of having a hand in your past and/or current state of affairs. I'm just a middle class white boy from America who's trying to enjoy your fine country without ending up buried in a township ravine.

That's it for now. So read through these and get practicing! The events are only a year away, and you've got work to do. Can't wait to see the progress you've made. Until then, hang in there! And I still don't know what the fuck a Vuvuzela is!

Countdown to 2010... Prohibition Edition

As your may or may not know, the extraodinarily dangerous (oh, and beautiful) country of South Africa will be hosting the World Cup in the summer of 2010. This asshole plans on attending so long as this site starts bringing the appropriate level of advertising revenue. So far we're off to a bad start, but a man can dream, right? Tickets are already on sale as we speak (well, the lottery for tickets is underway), but if you plan on getting a head start on your packing, just make sure you leave the following items at home...

Prohibited Items

Unless otherwise authorized by the FIFA World Cup Authorities in writing, Stadium Visitors and Accredited Persons are not permitted to use, possess, hold or bring into the Stadium the following Prohibited Items:

• a) weapons of any kind;
• b) anything that could be used as a weapon or to cut, thrust or stab, or as a projectile, in particular long umbrellas and other unwieldy implements;
• c) bottles, cups, jugs or cans of any kind as well as other objects made from PET, glass or any other fragile, non-shatterproof or especially tough material or Tetrapak packaging, hard cooler boxes;
• d) fireworks, flares, smoke powder, smoke canisters, smoke bombs or other pyrotechnics;
• e) alcoholic beverages of any kind, narcotics or stimulants;
• f) racist, xenophobic cause, charity or ideological concern related materials, including but not limited to banners, signs, symbols and leaflets, objects or clothing, which could impair the enjoyment of the Event by other spectators, or detract from the sporting focus of the Event;
• g) flagpoles or banner poles of any kind. Only flexible plastic poles and so-called double-poles that do not exceed 1 metre in length and 1 cm in diameter and which are not made of inflammable material are permitted;
• h) banners or flags larger than 2m x 1m50. Smaller flags and banners are permitted provided that they are made from material which is deemed "of low flammability" and complies with national regulations and standards;
• i) any sort of animals;
• j) any promotional or commercial, materials, including but not limited to banners, signs, symbols and leaflets, or any kind of promotional or commercial objects, material and clothing;
• k) gas spray cans, corrosive, flammable substances, dyes or receptacles containing substances which are harmful to health or are highly flammable. Standard pocket cigarette lighters are permitted;
• l) unwieldy objects such as ladders, stools, (folding) chairs, boxes, paperboard containers, large bags, rucksacks, suitcases and sports bags. "Unwieldy" is given to mean all objects which are larger than 25cmx25cmx25cm and which cannot be stowed under the seat in the Stadium;
• m) large quantities of paper and/or rolls of paper;
• n) mechanically-operated instruments which produce an excessive volume of noise such as megaphones, hooters or gas-powered horns. Unbranded vuvuzelas are not considered Prohibited Items;
• o) laser pointers;
• p) cameras (except for private use and then only with one set of replacement or rechargeable batteries), video cameras or other sound or video recording equipment;
• q) computers or other devices used for the purposes of transmitting or disseminating sound, pictures, descriptions or results of the events via the internet or other forms of media; and
• r) other objects which could compromise public safety and/or harm the reputation of the Event as assessed at the sole discretion of the FIFA World Cup Authorities.

Looks like they are being particularly careful this go-round due to the fact that, oh I don't know, the event is being held in a society that could be most accurately described as "sort of stable." Let's hope they change their mind about the "hooters" since, as my boy EB noted, "I don't really see the point of going unless we can see some hooters." I'm excited. I've always wondered what it would be like to attend a sporting event during a race riot. Come June 2010, I think I am going to find out.

And what the shit is a vuvuzela?