Better Know a Contender?

WHO YUH GOT?!?

Go on...

Fantasy Advice with Dean from Dean's Home Furniture

Just take a look at this office onsawmble, folks! It can be yaws fuh only $999! Can yuh even believe it?


Hi, friends. Good to see everyone again. Welcome to the stohre.

People come up to me all the time sayin, "Dean, you ah SO smaht. Yaw advice led me to uh fantasy baseball playawf bihrth and I couldn't be happiuh. But nowwww, my fantasy football team is already shittin' the bed. I NEED YUH HELP!" This happens so often around this time uh yeah, that I don't even have time to run my furnichuh business. So tell you what I'm gonna do for you; each week, I'm gonna give you what you need by postin' an advice cawlumn in the local papuh. Here's my promise to you: I will find you the best quality playis, at the lowest possible prices... GUARANTEED.

People always come to me askin how they should know which quawtuhback they should staht? You think Matty Bustedback is gonna carry yaw squawd all the way to the prawmised land?

I DOUBT IT.
 

Go on...

Blogsturbation Monday

Mayweather is the truth.


This was pretty much the story all night long. Marquez trying to hit Mayweather, and Maywearther beating him to the... punch. Often times Marquez wasn't even trying to throw punches when Pretty Boy would sneak a jab right into his schnoz. Aside from that, it was Maywether's staggering defense that kept the fight one-sided and Marquez frustrated for a full 12 rounds.

Oh, and who was it that predicted a decision? I can't remember.

In football news, I think it's time that every NFL analyst stops questioning the Giants talent. It is well-documented that I am no Giants fan, but Eli Manning is... Well, he's pretty... I mean, he's not... It's not like I... Look HE'S FUCKING GOOD, okay!?! Shit... 

Go on...

My Weekend was Better than Yours

But isn't that always the case?

Yep, just a little more masturbation from your favorite b. Leeder.

Friday night, did the Charlie Hunter thing at one GEM of a music venue (you'll be hearing more about it shortly). For those of you that do not know, the man plays a 7-string guitar that features 3 bass strings, and 4 guitar strings. So in essence, he's playing two instruments at the same time and it's the best thing ever.

Two for Bleu - Charlie Hunter

Saturday night, Groundation unleashed an impenetrable wall of riddim, that could only be scathed by the oddly-placed television screen curiously airing the UFC Pay-per-view event. I mean, we're all trying to mellow out and skank on down to the floor, but this is difficult to do with a giant image of one grown up punching another unconscious gentleman repeatedly in the face. Ah yes, the juxtaposition.

Silver Tongue Show - Groundati...

Last night, after that frustrating experience earlier that afternoon, the Euro poppers descended upon the city to delight us with some clever, synth-heavy hooks. Again, there were distractions with the Cowboys-Giants doing battle at the Drive-In (I'm really trying hard to come up with a nickname for that new monstrosity), but this one was more of a welcome distraction considering our embrace of the best game around these parts.

Black & Blue - Miike Snow

And with Sam Roberts taking the stage out in the Scud Mountain region this evening, it's as if the weekend hasn't even ended yet. I mean, I'm still hungover even though I am sitting at a computer, in an office, sharing a cube with my senior supervisor. It's like Sunday all over again otherwise. But should be a great show. Think they'll open with Love at the End of the World? Haha! Of course they will, silly...

With a Bullet - Sam Roberts

Forgive Me, Boston Area Bar Managers,

But the people who want to watch the Patriots and Red Sox games, can go the fuck home and watch them there. Your owner purchased the NFL Sunday ticket, in addition to a dozen HD televisions in order to enhance your marketability as a purveyor of food, spirits, and entertainment. If you made your money strictly off of local sports fans exclusively, then there would be no need to have the NFL Sunday ticket at all. For what would be the point? The Sox are always on television, and the Patriots are never blacked out (but give it a few years, will you?), so you could just go with regular cable.

I setup shop yesterday at the best seat in the house. I have good vision of four televisions, and a 5th that always broadcasts the Game Mix. My expectations were as follows:

TV 1: Eagles-Saints
TV 2: Titans-Texans
TV 3: Falcons-Panthers
TV 4: Pats-Jets

Instead, it went down like this:

TV 1: Falcons-Panthers
TV 2: Red Sox-Orioles
TV 3: Pats-Jets
TV 4: Pats-Jets

Fortunately for me, the douchey BC graduate needed to go home and wash his Super Fan t-shirt, so I got TV1 changed over to the Philly-Saints blowout. And although I did get to watch to Daisuke-san continue his path back to greatness, I still would have accepted some clownshoe Kansas City fan forcing me to watch the biggest battle of ineptitude since Bill Pullman met Bill Paxton in Brain Dead.

Sundays are celebrated (forgive me, Jesus) because of football. FOOTBALL! Even if a region is colored by a particular allegiance to a specific team, this does not erase the singular truth that SuUNDAYS are for FOOTBALL. In the Fall, Sundays are not for regular season baseball games nor are they for Patriots games; they are for FOOTBALL games. Namely, the really fucking good football games. Now, the Patriots may be taking part in a really good fucking football game as was the case yesterday. But at this holy altar, the Patriots represent merely an integral relic that shares equal placement with the 15 others upon that mantle.

So get on your knees Boston area bar managers, and pray for forgiveness, for the football gods are always watching, and if there's anything that they like less than Sunday baseball, it's blind favoritism.

Oh, and while you're down there?

En Route: Fishin'

Yep. Nothing like relaxing in the great outdoors, playing sports, and catching fish... Wait, what? Relax and sport in the same sentence? Exactly. Fishing? NOT A SPORT! It's something that you (apparently) do in the early hours of a bachelor party before engaging in some real sex sports later on. Therefore, I will be missing all of the college action this weekend while I compete with aquatic creatures for their lives. Sunday should more than make up for the loss, however.

Saints - Eagles? Sick.

Pats - Jets? Bone.

Raiders - Chiefs?!? Heaven.

And so here's what we got planned for next week:

• In depth analysis of the hotly contested Phoenix-San Antonio series
• Recap of the Franklin-Belfort battle
• And why Hendrick Motorsports made one, huge mistake

So while you're off enjoying real entertainment, that is what I will be doing! In addition to shaking hands with an actual wet fish. Be sure to tune in, kids!

And get your SHEET picks in... Fer fook's sake, lads!

Your Mandatory Pre-Fight Post

This weekend the biggest fight since that other fight you didn't really care about will be taking place in Las Vegas, NV at the MGM Grand. We here at FSD cannot hide our excitement. I mean, there are just so many questions that will be addressed. Will the 21 month layoff hurt the Pretty Boy? Will the weight gain slow down Marquez? And with what kind of fluid will his water bottle be filled?

Oh, you mean you haven't been watching 24/7 on repeat for the last three weeks? Well, what the hell have you been doing? Catching up on True Blood instead? Ugh... Well, you're in luck because just before the undercard begins, HBO will be airing all 3 episodes, in addition to the finale. Oh, you don't even have HBO? Then how the hell have you been watching True Blood? But you have Internet access? Get your priorities straight, buddy.

For this fight holds big time implications. At this point you have no doubt heard about Manny Pacquiao. After systematically dismantling Oscar De La Hoya and basically ending Ricky Hatton's career (and also with the notable absence of the Pretty Boy), Pacquiao has seemingly assumed the rights to the title of "Pound-for-Pound greatest boxer in the world." However, it needs to be noted that Marquez damn near (or actually) beat Pacquio...

Twice.

Yes sir, we seem to be on an inevitable collision course where Mayweather will take on Pacquiao not only for some hardware, but also for that arbitrary title mentioned above. And after this eventual matchup, boxing will of course cease to exist, because what the hell else will the rest of us have to look forward to after a Pretty Boy-Pacman showdown?

But what if Mayweather loses and Dinamita Marquez steals the show? If everything goes according to plan in the upcoming Pacquiao-Cotto fight, will Manny have to step up and fight Marquez once again (and after refusing a third fight, previously)? So not only should Saturday bring us a great fight, but it will also give us some insight into what 2010 will hold for boxing fans.

Tale of the Tape

As you can see, Mayweather is slightly bigger than Marquez in terms of frame, but in terms of muscle mass, Marquez takes it. But beating larger, stronger opponents has never been a problem (see: 39-0) for Mayweather. Pretty Boy's defense makes the Bmore Ravens envious, and his counter-punching is the perfect complement. Marquez, on the other hand, is a straight brawler. He just wants to hit people and he is very good at it. However, he might have to be a little more disciplined in lieu of Floyd's more patient approach to a fight (and as opposed to Pacquiao's).

Myself? I am torn up about this fight. Even though Marquez drives a hummer and is, you know, I still like him. I enjoy watching humble fighters and I like the strong, silent type. And even though Pretty Boy Floyd is a bit obnoxious, he is still an entertaining character and quite possibly the best boxer in the biz. Plus, if he loses, he might retire and then we'll never see him fight Pacquiao. And since that fight would complete me, it needs to happen.

Therefore, I'm calling for a Mayweather decision. That's right, no knock outs this time through. But on the bright side, you will get your $50 worth. Or your risky Black Box venture's worth. Your call.

Enjoy the fight y'all.

I See Puck People

You may, or probably don't, recall a similar post back in March when the boys of summer were reporting to their respective southern locations. At the time, I expressed what could best be referred to as reservation about the return of baseball. Not because I don't like baseball, but because with baseball, let's just say there is a tendency to empty the chamber as soon as the first pitch is thrown, meaningful or otherwise. Besides, at the time we were in the thick of the college basketball season, as well as the final stretch of the NHL and NBA regular seasons. My point was that baseball takes time to get going. We can rejoice at it's return, but must be sure bank some of that initial excitement and stow it away so the passion can run steady through the summer months (which it rarely does).

Either way, we're not talking about baseball here, we're talking about hockey, mother fuckers. With hockey there's never a let-down. Things get rolling as soon as the puck drops (October the fucking 1st!), we catch a huge boost from the Winter Classic (January the fucking 1st!), and then we glide all the way into the summer months, enthralled and excited throughout the entire process.

And just what is it about hockey that never allows us to relax, never allows to us to get complacent throughout the course of a seemingly endless season, or never forces us to pace ourselves?

The fights, dummy...




Season starts October 1st, y'all! Get fucking excited!

Berthiaume-Fail

On Baseball Tonight, this past Saturday evening, Steve Berthiaume, in response to the news that Daisuke Matsuzaka would be returning to the Red Sox rotation, declared that "Daisuke STINKS!"

"He stinks," he even repeated.

"The minor league numbers just aren't there," he elaborated.

"Probably allowed 5 ER and 17 walks," he overstated.

And then Daisuke took the mound on that fateful Tuesday evening and shutdown the Red Sox' eventual playoff opponent in the 2009 AL Divisional Series. Official line from last night's game:

6 IP
0 ER
3 Hits
3 BB
5 K

Pretty stinky, eh Stevie?

And of course, it's only one start. He could always revert to, oh say, last year's numbers:

5 2/3 IP
2 ER
4.5 Hits
3 BB
5 k

To be fair, this would actually be a step back for Daisuke-san, so maybe you are onto something, Steve-o. Or maybe you should just keep a lid on it. Not to step on ESPN-Fail's toesies or anything, but this little outburst seemed not only unwarranted, but downright erratic and maybe a little personal, as well (What's the matter, Bert? Guy owe you money, or something?). Of course this, what shall we call it, poor choice of words was sputtered at the end of the show, during valuable, awkward "ad lib" time, and it was late on a Saturday night in the presence of the "All-Star" crew. That being said, do better next time, Stevesie. Otherwise, I know a few Yakuza who don't believe that a blog post is a sufficient enough rebuke for such flagrant disrespect.

Ja-ne for now.

Daily, er, Weekly Bills

... er, Monthly Bills?

The Buffalo Bills are a sad sack organization. They have a great fanbase, but it is a tortured one. If the Bills aren't wallowing in the basement of the AFC East, well then they are off losing consecutive Super Bowls four at a time. Sadly, this is the most interesting point of note for the entire organization. Don't believe it? Well then allow us to extend an invitation so that you may find out for yourself. You are ALL invited to bear witness to the wretched hilarity that is the Buffalo Bills Daily calendar.

Since the Bills will be kicking off the season in their usual lowly fashion, we though it would be a good idea to resurrect this segment. So here's to an 0-1 start, as well as to the Daily Bills!


Monday, September 14th

Bills Fact

Buffalo and San Francisco combined for more than 1,000 total yards when they met at Candlestick Park early in the 1992 season. The 49ers had 598 of those yards, but the Bills won the game, 34-31.

--
Remember those good old days? Don't you wish you could just go back? Man, I bet if Jim Kelly were around he could throw a football over Niagara Falls and right into the soft, waiting hands of Andre Reed. Of course, it's easier to both throw and catch without any of those bulky rings on your fingers.

And what kind of calendar doesn't give you the week number, or even the date? I'm pretty sure they're just making stuff up at this point.

While we here at FSD won't be bringing these interesting factoids (and trivia!)... daily, we will do you the favor of cherry-picking the GEMS such as the one above, so that you are able to know only the truly important details concerning this sad bastard franchise. Until next time, Go Billies!

ESPN: Athens

Is the grammatical error purposefully ironic, or what?

I am pretty excited about this to be honest, because if there is anything I like, it is local news provided by a non-local source. Channels 4, 5, and 7 have had it too good for too long, and changes like this are more than welcome.

So good riddance, Boston.com. I prefer to consume my local sports with a fresh side of unemployment and a dab of informational hegemony.

Muhahahahaha!!!

Blogsturbation Monday

Slot Machine Pays Out

That had to be the most absurd ending to a football game I have ever seen. And that last statement was pure hyperbole, but you know what I mean. Roy Williams getting beat deep? No. I don't believe it.

D. Breesy is on pace for 96 touchdowns this season. I think he's got a chance.

Everyone's favorite sleeper pick of the season had an inauspicious debut. Good news is that if they keep losing, then maybe they can truly fulfill their roles as a sleeper... An 8-8 sleeper.


On the opposing side of that coin, it looks like Rexy already has his defense together in New York. Jets looked for real, at least on one side of the ball.

Is it at all possible that Delhomme does not start next week? Granted he was playing against one of the better defenses in the league. But, he picked up right where he left off. Where he left off was against NOT one of the better defensives in the league. Things got so bad yesterday that Delhomme purposefully started bouncing balls across the field out of fear of another INT. Word on the street is that the Sex Panther himself, Jeff Garcia, may be on the prowl for Carolina's starting gig.

And if the Bears had any better options, then maybe Cutler's starting gig might be in flux as well. The good news is that Chicago's defense was stout enough to keep them in the game down to the end. The bad news is that the Packer's "Super Bowl" caliber offense could barely put points on the board even with 4 turnovers courtesy of Cutler.

And Cutler, I swear to God, you might be able to keep your starting gig with the Bears, but competition is much more stiff on Team Snicklefritz. I got Matt Hasselback waiting in the FUCKING wings and so help me god, you will be watching from the sidelines next week! STEP IT UP!

Are the Rams the worst team in the league? We can't really determine this until we see the Bills and Raiders play, of course. But they are the front-runner for Disaster of the Year without question.

Oh, and Baltimore? Not impressed.

Lastly, in the career death match between Eggplant Charlie and Dick-Rod, it looks like Michigan will not be looking for a new coach this winter. Notre Dame, on the other hand, well, let's just say I hear Lou Holtz is still interested.

You come on home to New England Charlie. Navy blue never did you justice anyway.

It's only week 1, and it's not even over yet. Praise be to the NFL.

En Route: Indulging

Look at that photo. If that doesn't get you excited for this weekend, then I'm not sure what can. Boobies and Wings! Works for me.

Men across the country finally have a valid reason for not getting anything accomplished on weekends.

"I would to love honey, but the games are on. No not game, honey. Games. They are on all weekend actually."

And if this doesn't function as a valid reason, well then you fucked up, and that's your fault.

Anyway, on tap for next week!

• More NFL previews!

Wait, what? Oh that's right. We're done with those. Thank, heavens.

So what do we do now? I don't know, man. It's been a stressful week. Lay off. Tell you what, go back and read some of the Worst to Firsts. I know you didn't read them all... So hop to it because you got research to do if you wanna party SHEET-style with the big boys.

I'll worry about content on Monday. The barstool is offering promises of fresh Octoberfest and heart-stoppingly tasty foods. In other words, we gots football to watch, and that's about as far as these eyes can see.

Keep Holy the first Sunday of Football.

Worst to First #1

The REGULAR season has begun and our collective semi-bone is creating a bulge that neither sandbags nor concrete dam could prevent from exploding in less than a month's time. With that said, allow us to stroke the fire, so to speak, and preview all 32 teams. Beginning with who we think will suck the most, and ending with who we think will suck the best.

b. Lee, FINISH HIM!!!

One. And Done.


And thank the good lord.

As you may have been able to deduce at this point, we believe that the Pittsburgh Steelers suck the best out of all 32 NFL teams.

And why is this? We're not really sure. I guess it's just because they were the last team standing in 2009.

But please do not take this prognostication as any kind of indicator that we think the Steelers are the best team in the league. I mean shit, did you watch that game last night? Willie Parker couldn't run his way through a wet paper bag... With this scissors in his hands. Big Ben looks old and gimpy, although still very, very clutch. Santonio, on the other hand, looks dynamite and the defense still looks to be pretty solid, so long as Polamalu is okay (although, it doesn't look like he is).

As everyone knows repeat performances are not easy, and we just do not see the Steelers being able to do so. The AFC is stronger than it was last year, even if only slightly. Without that home run threat in the backfield (no Mewelde Moore does not count as such), then the Steelers offense becomes very one-dimensional and very Ben-centered. There are worse scenarios that one can think of (see Stafford, Matthew), but there other, more high caliber scenarios as well (see Brady, Tom), which in the end are going to make things very difficult for the Steel City.

But fuck it, I'm done with this garbage, for the Season is upon us. So let's just see how it all shakes out shall we? Thanks for putting up with this for the last few weeks. We hope to mix in some non-football-related content soon enough, but we make no promises.

Speaking of which, is it hockey season yet?

IT IS FOOTBALL SEASON YET!

-

YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!

Everybody's happy!

EV-RY-BOD-YYYYYYYYYYY!!!!

We'll be dropping THE complete SHEET® on you tomorrow, but we didn't want you to head into opening football night without a little taste.

So for tonight's game, this is what we got:

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Beefdale's Breast Reduction (+6)

@

Uncle Ben's Secret Rape Shed
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Deuce: Rothlies Rape Kit
Le Ginge: "Tell the whore to pay her own 100k to charity"
Jables... Jables!: "Innocent" Rape Artists
b. Lee: I hate to be unique but... Ben's Slippery Steel

That makes 4 dudes, all riding the Steel... Picture it...

Okay. It's what we've worked so long and hard for, ladies and gents. Enjoy the show.

Worst to First #2

The pre-season has begun and our collective semi-bone is creating a bulge that neither sandbags nor concrete dam could prevent from exploding in less than a month's time. With that said, allow us to stroke the fire, so to speak, and preview all 32 teams. Beginning with who we think will suck the most, and ending with who we think will suck the best.

Clean up in aisle 2. Deuce shit himself in the candy aisle again.

Reverse Psychology


And now for the portion of Worst to First where we attempt to openly jinx a team that we openly despise.

The Giants are a fantastic ball club. Even when they stole the Super Bowl from the would-be best team ever, they were still a great team. Solid defense, sneaky offense, red-faced coach. How can anyone even compete with that? Short answer: they can't. No one can.

I am sure the Giants won't suffer from the loss of arguably their best running back (and non-arguably best receiving running back). Nope, Ahmad Bradshaw will definitely be able to fill that role, even if his fumbles outnumbered his touchdowns 2-1, last year... And literally.

And I have no doubts that brittle Brandon Jacobs will be able to play the full season, even if, for some unthinkable reason, Bradshaw cannot step to the plate. I mean, he's due for a full, healthy season right? I just don't see anything that can hurt him this year. Not even that upright running style that exposes his knees to heavy impact...

And besides, Eli just signed a huge contract. There is no way that he rests on his laurels. No, sir. The man wants to show management that he deserves all that money, and so he is going to go out and earn it. And with that Antiquing binge he no doubt went on after his first payday, he should be a happy boy come each and every Sunday.

No Plaxico? No problem. For management went out and drafted ACC phenom Hakeem Nicks. Should just be a matter of time before he is making cornerbacks fall on their faces and catching heartbreaking touchdowns in the corner of the end zone. One thing is for certain, if the Giants keep up that breakneck 197 yard passing average, then I don't care what defense they are going up against, they will not be stopped. Never!

But the real story of the Giants is on the defensive side of the ball. And who knows maybe the return of Osi Umeniyora will actually improve an already top 10 defense. A defense that last year allowed fewer than 100 yards rushing per game, and fewer than 200 yards passing per game. A defense that only allows 18 points per game... Yeah, so maybe, they will be better.

God, this got really depressing all of a sudden.

Okay, look; the Giants are fucking good. But, they also happen to play in the best division in all of football (Texans aren't as good as advertised, Colts are better, but either way, fuck the AFC South). This means that the Giants are going to need some serious help on both sides of the ball. If the defense continues to be a beast, then it should pretty much assure them entry into January (to name one place). However, if the offense doesn't improve, then that will be as far as they go. The loss of Bradshaw is a significant one, and based on recent fantasy drafts Hakeem Nicks' expectations league-wide may be a little inflated at the moment.

But, considering the Giants are the very reason why I am stuck in a prison of bias, and why you will have to listen to Patriots-heavy diatribes all Fall and Winter long, I hope this team goes down in flames. Fucking BIG flames. But to be honest, I don't see that happening. Instead, I see them playing the Chargers in the Super Bowl, and gulp, winning it all.

A man can still hate can't he?

Worst to First #3

The pre-season has begun and our collective semi-bone is creating a bulge that neither sandbags nor concrete dam could prevent from exploding in less than a month's time. With that said, allow us to stroke the fire, so to speak, and preview all 32 teams. Beginning with who we think will suck the most, and ending with who we think will suck the best.

Is b. Lee gonna have to choke a bitch?

Coalescence



Here's the problem with warm weather teams:

They suck.

Generally speaking, anyway.

The other thing that sucks about them is that even in lieu of their delicate complexions and west coast offenses, the NFL rewards these teams by putting the Super Bowl in a perpetually warm and/or climate controlled location every year. Just seems unfair. Which is why I hate warm weather teams earning bye weeks and home field advantages come playoff time. It just never feels earned. And don't think for a second that dome teams are exempt from this grouping either!

I mean, you had 8 games in balmy conditions. Oh okay, maybe it rained one day, but it was a nice rain, most likely. Chances are you got to play at least two other games in either a dome or a warm-weather climate. Plus, the first two months of the season generally offer fair conditions even in Buffalo during mid-October. So, at worst, a team from a warmer clime is potentially looking at a mere, two potentially bad weather/cold climate games.

Kind of like the Cardinals last year. Remember them? They backed into the playoffs, after an extremely hot start. Up until the end of November, the only cold space that had journeyed to was Seattle... Brrrr... That is up until they arrived in Philly on Thanksgiving night... And got worked. And then once again a few weeks later in Foxboro... Where they once again got worked. I mean, this team was straight up embarrassed in both of these games. So imagine my chagrin when I see these redded snowbirds arriving in Tampa the first weekend in February. Just felt unearned.

The Chargers are another team that have struggled mightily to earn our respect. Combined record on the road in 2008: 3-5. The only victories coming against the Chiefs, the Raiders, and Bucs. Not the strongest of trios these eyes have seen. Also, climbing into the playoffs with an 8-8 record, when there were some teams on the outside looking in with 11-5 records... Ahem. Not cool.

I mean, the coldest place this team has been post-December is the creepy confines of an Indianapolis warehouse, pregnant with the bible-thumping dredges of real America, piping in artificial static, casting dispersions on the wicked... But I digress.

And I'm not making light of this. Shit, I wouldn't want to be in Indy come the first weekend on January, sheltered or otherwise. But the fact that this was the second year in-a-row that the Chargers were able to defeat the Colts on their own dance floor, is rather impressive. Kudos are in order. But, even after these victories, there has always been one final team getting in their way, typically located in the Northeast portion of the United States. Yes, sir. Those waters always seem to be a little too choppy for these surfers come January. Sure, they have the Santa Ana winds, but there ain't no wind like a Nwangland wind after the New Year.

But this year, this is the year for the Chargers. Why? For the exact reasons mentioned above. They're not going to have to earn anything this year (with the exception of an assault and battery acquittal for Mr. Merriman, who apparently can't handle his Tequila shots). San Diego is going to cruise through their division. Sure, they have to do battle with the Steelers, Giants, Eagles, and Ravens, but they will at least split these games, and are therefore looking at a 13-3 record. And if the Patriots and Steelers stumble at least a little, then there's really nothing stopping the Chargers from enjoying a nice trip to Tijuana prior to the Divisional playoff game at Qualcomm.

Sure, their pass defense was downright rotten last year, but against the likes of Orton, JeMarcus, the Chiefs, and Flacco, they should be able to manage. And if Merriman can get his lawsuit tossed or at least delayed, then the pass rush should improve, aiding their spotty secondary Plus, Vincent Jackson is going to be a top 5 wide receiver this year (Yuh Bird?!?), so you know, they got that going for them as well. And they are finally going to be healthy.

And perhaps more of all, it seems as if the Chargers might be ready to earn that passage to the next level. After two marginally successful playoff runs, they may in fact be ready to make the jump. No, I am not discarding general principles. Warm weather teams still suck. But that's the danger of stereotypes; even if they generally apply, a hard and fast subscription to them can get you into trouble. Besides, THE SHEET drops tomorrow, and if there is a time and a place for offensive stereotypes, then that's it. So this year, I am going to be flexible in my judgments. So much so, that I'm calling the Chargers the champions of the AFC.

Let's just hope Miami isn't too cold for them come February.

Worst to First #4

The pre-season has begun and our collective semi-bone is creating a bulge that neither sandbags nor concrete dam could prevent from exploding in less than a month's time. With that said, allow us to stroke the fire, so to speak, and preview all 32 teams. Beginning with who we think will suck the most, and ending with who we think will suck the best.

Thou shalt honor thy team, b. Lee.

O Captain. My Captain.



A fan's relationship with his/her head coach can often be a tenuous affair. We question their every move. Why didn't you sign Player A? Why did you trade Player B? What on earth were you think calling a draw on 3rd and 8 from the opposing 40? We needed a field goal! Why the fuck didn't you draft Maualuga?! And most all of these questions occur before the actual season has even begun.

But in a place like New England, it has become very difficult to question anything that Bill Belichick has ever done... And I mean fucking EVER.

Beli-dat came to the Pats in 2000 after an ever-so-shady departure from the Jets (apples never fall too far from the Parcells tree), and did not get off to the greatest of starts, leading the Pats to a 5-11 record. However, since that time, the Patriots have enjoyed 8 consecutive winning seasons, including 6 (minus 1 because BFF fucked it all up as usual) playoff appearances, 4 trips to the Super Bowl, and over the last 6 years an average record of 13-3. Yikes.

The amazing part is when you look at the rosters that the Patriots were bringing into each season. Quick; aside from Tom Brady and Adam Vinatieri (a kicker?), name a stud from the 2001 Super Bowl team...

Maybe you said Ty Law? Antowain Smith? Roman Phifer? Troy Mother Fucking Brown (can't say Troy Brown without those two words in the middle. NFL law.)? Well, they did have Richard Seymour and his 3.0 sacks that year, so that was pretty huge. But, just look at that team. They had no business even being in the playoffs, let alone carrying home the famed football phallus of champions.

And aside from the 2007 team that did NOT win a Super Bowl, what was ever so special about the Patriots' personnel? A Twilit Corey Dillon, a flash-in-the-pan Deion Branch, midget Bruschi, Visa's 5 layers of protection, and Daniel Graham. Of course, I am leaving out the Son of God, but I think the point is clear. And aside from our beloved celestial spirit, the one enduring aspect of this franchise has been it's head coach... The sleeveless wonder... The hooded warrior... "Verbal" Bill Belichick.

People hate this guy. I mean like, really fucking hate this guy. And with good reason. What with spygate, his complete lack of interest in being interesting or revealing, and his general dickishness, there ain't much to like if your horse happens to reside in a different NFL city. But, if you are a Patriots fan, then there ain't nothing this mother fucker can do wrong... Look at the record, check out the rings, and how about my quarterback?

You let Asante go? He probably wanted too much money.

You traded Richard Seymour? I'm sure you had a good reason.

You fucked my wife? I probably had it coming.

Chad fucking Jackson? He must have discovered crack or meth after the draft.

YOU DIDN'T DRAFT MAUALUGA?!? Fuck... He's probably soft, or something, I guess.

Yet through all of these perceived missteps, the Pats are still expected to be Super Bowl contenders this year. The secondary is weak? It's always been weak and yet the Patriots have had a top 10 defense just about every year he has been in town. The running game lacks a game-breaker? It has always lacked a game-breaker and yet the offense, even when led by the backup quarterback is still lights out. Tom Brady is getting Crows' Feet around the eyes? Shit man, even the Mona Lisa is falling apart and yet he's still better looking than you.

Point is, Bill Belichick could probably talk me into fucking myself, and I would have no reason to believe that it isn't in my best interest. The Patriots should have 5 different place kickers on the roster, and no backup corners? If you say so, buddy. Brady is losing a step and needs to be replaced? Whoa, now... Take a deep breath and table that little notion. But even if things do start getting really weird and it comes to the point where Coach Belichick needs to be removed from the front office in a strait-jacket, I'll probably still be calling for his services three years after the fact, even resorting to Bottle Rocket-looney bin breaks to get him back on the sidelines.

We don't worship false gods around here. We're of puritanical legacies. We worship results! And in lieu of this religion, we live by a strict observance:

In Bill We Trust.

My New Favurite Cocktail

Bottoms up, champ




And if it helps you to bring down the Pretty Boy come September 19th, then consider me a believer. Oh, and if you happen to receive a small container in the mail, along with $10 for postage and a media mailer, then please go ahead, fill it up and send it back to the attached address. Thanks in advance.

Worst to First #8

The pre-season has begun and our collective semi-bone is creating a bulge that neither sandbags nor concrete dam could prevent from exploding in less than a month's time. With that said, allow us to stroke the fire, so to speak, and preview all 32 teams. Beginning with who we think will suck the most, and ending with who we think will suck the best.

b. Lee, destroy something beautiful, would yuh?


Ghetto Fabulous




Jerry Jones is very proud of his franchise in Dallas. So too are the fans.

And they should be! Five Super Bowls, mother fucker! Recently*, the team captured 3 Super Bowls in just just four years time. Not every team can boast that kind of hardware. Not every team can be America's Team. And not every fan gets go to a game and watch their home team play on the largest (low-hanging) television in the world. It's clear that JJ cares not just for his own sterling (read: plastic) image, but also for his team and the fans alike.

But much like JJ's inspired, albeit futile battle against Father Time, all these slogans, gimmicks, bells n' whistles n' ricket-a-racket seem to be covering up one glaring fact: The Cowboys have been pretty miserable lately. And even when they had success, the wheels always seemed to come off at the most inopportune time.

Take last season for example; the Cowboys were primed for a playoff run. Even with the injury to Romo, and all the non-sense between TO and Witten, they were still in great shape. Until they let the Ravens run all over them in the 4th quarter of a Saturday night game in Week 16. But even after this game, the Cowboys still could determine their own destiny. Beat the Eagles in week 17 and play on. Instead, the Eagles straight up rolled the 'Boys, rising from the ashes and punching their own ticket to January. And this kind of behavior continues even before then.

In 2007, the Cowboys looked primed for a Super Bowl run. That is until their they were bounced from the playoffs by the Giants after a bye week spent in Mexico. Should we keep going?

How about finishing the 2006 season losing three out of their last four, before a case of the grease fingers cost them in the playoffs?

2005: Losing to the 5-9 Rams in week 17 and finishing at 9-7 instead of 10-6. But there is really no need to go back this far, for this is prior to the Romo era, and anything more could certainly be considered to be torturing the point.

Boy, too bad that big LCD screen wasn't around during week 16 of last season. I bet McClain and McGahee (The Potato Bros.) would have looked real good bombing 80 yards downfield and into the end zone. Word on the street is that that new TV is so big, that you can actually see people's dreams shattering to pieces in the standing-room only section of the new stadium.

But of course, it is a new year, with a new stadium, and probably 1,000-5,000 brand new Cowboy "fans" primed for the new day. Ready to make a run at that suddenly elusive playoff victory. The only problem is that the Cowboys are in no way better this year, than they were in the last. If anything, they are worse.

That's what happens when you lose one of the best wide receivers in the game, right? And when you replace him with, well, no one. Sure the running game will be stronger this year. Barber should be healthy and First-Down Felix Jones should help reduce the Cowboys reliance on TO to maintain possession and keep the chains moving. But, it still seems like the Cowboys, and Romo specifically, are going to be relying just a little too much on Witten to get the job done. If anything, the offense is now short a valuable dimension, even if the front office has reduced their need for PR in the No-TO era.

Combine this offensive predictability, with a knack for both the offensive and defensive lines to soften up down the stretch and it is hard to see Dallas making any kind of real run at a Super Bowl this year. Playoffs, perhaps. But, not a Super Bowl. Not this year and not in the NFC.

In 2009, the Cowboys look to be living the ghetto fabulous lifestyle. On the exterior, things are shiny and clean. People will stare as they roll by and playaz will be jealous. But just remember, that behind all that bling ain't nothing but a stack of child support bills a bad credit rating, and an empty gas tank. Sooner or later it will be exposed. And we will all get to see it...

In crystal clear hi-def.


PS. You asked for this Ache-Man