Blogsturbation Monday

Talk about guns like I ain't got none...
What do you think, I sold them all?

Gee, I sure am sorry about that folks, but I was En Route: Adam Sandler in the Wedding Singer post-Wedding Day Disaster'n prior to that little island getaway.  I sure hope Deucey didn't scare you all away with his little magic trick (you know, "rising from the dead") but don't fear little ones, for daddy is home...

So what did I miss?

Go on...

Blogsturbation Monday

And the Big Four are Syracuse, Duke, Cornell, and Northern Iowa?  That's awfully white of this tournament.  Sure Kentucky has looked very solid in their first two games, but what do those first two games mean anyway?  Maybe we should ask Kansas... But in all honesty, we would have to say that Northern Iowa is the favorite against Sparty, no? I'm not sure I've seen a more confident team than the Panthers so far.  And without Lucas, how confident can Izzo's bunch really be?  That luck can only last so long.

As for FSD, our money is on Washington walking out of this thing cleaner than anyone else.

Go on...

Blogsturbation Monday

Choke Canada? Not quite. But the United States scoring that last minute goal was honestly the best thing that could have happened for any hockey fan, Canadian fanatics included. It fulfilled the building tension, added so much more excitement to a game that at times, like a slow dance, and ultimately re-paid Canada for that conservative trap they played over the final four minutes of the game.

Go on...

Blogsturbation Monday

Super Stupor Edition

Didn't see that coming.  New Orleans is finally rebuilt thanks to the Saints' sneaky victory over the Colts last night in the Super Bowl.  In retrospect, Sean Peyton was a blown onsides kick away from quite possibly being the first coach fired after a Super Bowl defeat, considering their unsuccessful 4th down conversion in the first half (3 run plays versus 1 pass play from the goal line?  Who are you, Sean Payton?  The Anti-Andy Reid?  Note to Andy Reid: RUN THE BALL).  The Saints defense allowed over 400 yards of offense once again, but somehow remained stout and opportunistic enough to seal the deal.  Apparently all Tracy Porter does is pick off Hall of Fame quarterbacks.   And how quickly did this game go?  I guess only 8 penalties and 21 total incompletions will speed up a game a bit, but even with The Who dat halftime, the game still got over really early.

Go on...

Blogsturbation Monday

Yeah, that's not how that word is spelled.  Clean it up before Miami, Colts fans.

Two Weeks Notice. I'm just wondering why the playoffs were even necessary at this point? After a very emotional NFL playoff we have arrived at the conclusion that we knew as early as Week 10: the Colts and Saints are the two best teams in the league. 

Go on...

Blogsturbation Monday

First, it was Belichick's decision to go for it on 4th down against the Colts, and since then, the NFL has less and less resembled the rational, conservative world that we are used to, and instead, resembles a free-wheeling video game with a seat-of-the-pants youth at the controls.  Yesterday, NFL teams combined for 34 fouthth-down attempts.  The scary thing is that almost 50% (14) of them were successful. The Saints-Redskins match, the highest scoring and longest affair of the day, featured only one 4th-down attempt.  Which failed, much like Belichick's continued efforts in make-or-break moments.

Go on...

Blogsturbation Monday

Saturday night this cat got to witness three (3!) Shoot-outs thank to the combined power of NESN and the NHL Network.  I saw Rick Nash on a breakaway.  I saw Alexander Ovechkin on a breakaway. I saw Nicklas Backstrom on a breakaway.  I saw Daniel Alfredsson on a breakaway and it was fucking fantastiiiiic.  Sure, it is a strange way to resolve the game, but it is effective and makes ties impossible, which is always a good thing.  Besides, the shoot-out disappears once the playoffs start, so that they never have any over-arching say in a potentially season-ending situation.  Which is a good thing.

Go on...

Blogsturbation Monday

Mayweather is the truth.


This was pretty much the story all night long. Marquez trying to hit Mayweather, and Maywearther beating him to the... punch. Often times Marquez wasn't even trying to throw punches when Pretty Boy would sneak a jab right into his schnoz. Aside from that, it was Maywether's staggering defense that kept the fight one-sided and Marquez frustrated for a full 12 rounds.

Oh, and who was it that predicted a decision? I can't remember.

In football news, I think it's time that every NFL analyst stops questioning the Giants talent. It is well-documented that I am no Giants fan, but Eli Manning is... Well, he's pretty... I mean, he's not... It's not like I... Look HE'S FUCKING GOOD, okay!?! Shit... 

Go on...

Blogsturbation Monday

Slot Machine Pays Out

That had to be the most absurd ending to a football game I have ever seen. And that last statement was pure hyperbole, but you know what I mean. Roy Williams getting beat deep? No. I don't believe it.

D. Breesy is on pace for 96 touchdowns this season. I think he's got a chance.

Everyone's favorite sleeper pick of the season had an inauspicious debut. Good news is that if they keep losing, then maybe they can truly fulfill their roles as a sleeper... An 8-8 sleeper.


On the opposing side of that coin, it looks like Rexy already has his defense together in New York. Jets looked for real, at least on one side of the ball.

Is it at all possible that Delhomme does not start next week? Granted he was playing against one of the better defenses in the league. But, he picked up right where he left off. Where he left off was against NOT one of the better defensives in the league. Things got so bad yesterday that Delhomme purposefully started bouncing balls across the field out of fear of another INT. Word on the street is that the Sex Panther himself, Jeff Garcia, may be on the prowl for Carolina's starting gig.

And if the Bears had any better options, then maybe Cutler's starting gig might be in flux as well. The good news is that Chicago's defense was stout enough to keep them in the game down to the end. The bad news is that the Packer's "Super Bowl" caliber offense could barely put points on the board even with 4 turnovers courtesy of Cutler.

And Cutler, I swear to God, you might be able to keep your starting gig with the Bears, but competition is much more stiff on Team Snicklefritz. I got Matt Hasselback waiting in the FUCKING wings and so help me god, you will be watching from the sidelines next week! STEP IT UP!

Are the Rams the worst team in the league? We can't really determine this until we see the Bills and Raiders play, of course. But they are the front-runner for Disaster of the Year without question.

Oh, and Baltimore? Not impressed.

Lastly, in the career death match between Eggplant Charlie and Dick-Rod, it looks like Michigan will not be looking for a new coach this winter. Notre Dame, on the other hand, well, let's just say I hear Lou Holtz is still interested.

You come on home to New England Charlie. Navy blue never did you justice anyway.

It's only week 1, and it's not even over yet. Praise be to the NFL.

Blogsturbation Monday

What America needs is one giant tube of vagisil



When I first envisioned this post, I was going to really go after the Michigan football players that snitched on their coach because practice was a little long. Because honestly, with the way these guys played last year, they probably never should have left the practice field at all. Like, ever. Not for class, not for sleep, and definitely not for games. I mean, spare your school as well as your once fabled program at least some dignity, will yuh?

Turns out they were not even actually complaining at all. Instead it was just the way that the story was reported that gave the impression that this was the case. They were merely volunteering the information without any judgment attached.

Either way, it appears that the real whiner is Dickrod himself. No wonder the Wolvies were so soft on the pitch last year. If a squad is supposed to assume the personality of their coach (USC - balanced, Florida - dreamy, Alabama - conniving, Notre Dame - fat and embarrassing), then what are we to assume about Dickrod. I think the video from the link makes it pretty obvious. Really looking forward to that Bowl of Tears between the Irish and Big Blue this year. Winner gets to keep their job... Maybe.


In other Hoo-Hah:


Gotta say, that out of all the moves made down the stretch run in the MLB, none have been as effective as what the White Sox have done. Alex Rios has been powering them to the top of the Central while Jake Peavy has been silencing bats across the American League...

Kgh..

Zzt...

BAHHHHHHHHHH!!!

HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

They've actually been getting worse since these transaction were made... Impressive.

And did anyone hear what Andrea Kremer had to say about the culture of the Broncos last night?

Patriots West is what she actually referred to them as. Made me so damn proud. And one thing is for certain, if McDaniels fairs as well as the rest of the New England Belichick discipleship, then the Broncos have like 5 or 6 wins to look forward to over the next 2 years before a new coach is brought in. Best of luck, Josh!

Lastly, can't believe that AA hasn't commented on Rodney Harrison's debut in the booth last night. He was poised and to the point, even cracking a few jokes in the process. So maybe he should be on Baseball Tonight? Not his forte, but let's just say that he couldn't hurt. Looking forward to some verbal spears from Rodney for the next 17 weeks or so.

Blogsturbation Monday

Tuesday Edition.


Lights out weekend in Chicago, in more ways than one. Mainly, in terms of sports. I didn't see shit all weekend with respect to our favorite pursuit, up until a little sit down with WWL on Monday afternoon. Turns out the following is true:

- The Red Sox are an embarrassment

- Just not as much as A Rod is after he hits a homer

- Patrick Kane is from Buffalo... Who knew?

- It IS football season yet!

- Sort of

- The White Sox apparently get whatever they want these days

- TV On the Radio is better than your favorite band

- Sorry. Had to.

- Fat Small Forwards are not in high demand right now

All right, kids. Big daddy needs to get some sleep (as you can probably tell). We will get you some better content tomorrow, and will hopefully have a LollaBlog for you sometime at the beginning of next week. And this Chicago love won't last long... I promise.

And for those of you who were wondering, Deuce did make good on his end of the deal.

With the Power of Solar...

Anything is Possible!


So, this past weekend I was up in the mountains being muddy and distracted, so I have limited material with which to fortify your visual facilities. But even if I did, I am not sure that I have the mental capabilities to really stimulate in the way that I normally would. That being said, I still understand that Roy Halladay is still awesome and AVAILABLE(!), that all old men get tired over time, and that NO2 is really not that good of an idea. Some of these things are obvious and universally understood. Some of them need to be refreshed and occasionally reinforced.

Tomorrow I will be heading off to another mountain range, for a wholly different adventure. So, unless one of the three deuchigos decides to write something, then the content may be on the thin side for the next few days. That being said, by the time I get back we still hold these truths to be self-evident; hockey is better than your favorite sport, NASCAR is not a sport, and NO2 is always and forever a bad idea...

Most of the time, anyway.


PS. As the picture above suggests, I found a new and exciting way to attain the necessary fix, even though I left my lighter in the car. I am now a full-fledged member of the Alternative Energy lobby.

You Ever Caught for Carlos Zambrano?

You ever caught for Carlos Zambrano... ON WEED???

Last November, voters in Massachusetts overwhelmingly decided to decriminalize marijuana. If less than one ounce of marijuana is found in your possession, then the maximum penalty is a $100 fine, with no criminal record of the incident. The good people of Massachusetts basically stated, "If you smoke weed, then who gives a shit? We got better things to worry about." And with good reason, because honestly, if you think smoking marijuana is a crime, then move to Malaysia and get a job with the government, you will fit right in... You jackass.

Better still, go work for the WWL.

Geovany Soto tested positive for Marijuana during the World Baseball Classic this passed Spring and unlike the good people of Massachusetts, ESPN decided they should make a big deal out of it. However, ESPN does not treat these stories with the same gravity as they would, say a PED story. When Manny Ramirez tested positive for whatever the hell he tested positive the mood down in Bristol most closely resembled a funeral. At times it felt as if Manny was some kind of victim. At best, he was a cautionary tale, rather than an outright cheater who should exposed and ridiculed for his actions. Most likely, however, ESPN was simply mourning the loss of a default story line; Manny went 0 for 4 in the game, but look! He has dreadlocks! Oh, Manny.

Contrast the tone of the Sotojuana story with that of the Manny saga. ESPN was derisive with Soto, even to the point of being hypocritical. On the one side, ESPN wants to embarrass Soto, painting him as some kind of fool that deserves to be mocked because, well, only clowns smoke weed, right? But then out of the other side of their mouth, they make light out of the situation.

Banter

Stu Scott: Stone Cold Soto's apparently more concerned with appeasing his craving for munchies, then boosting his OPS.

/Chuckles

Neil Everett: Yeah, his numbers might not be high as last year, but he most certainly is...

/Guffaws.

Ahem, but seriously kids, smoking weed is wrong, and Mr. Soto has really set a bad example.

Stu Scott: Wrong like Cheech n' Chong... Oops!

/Explosions of laughter.

Now of course ESPN needs to report this information to it's consumers. But it's the manner in which it is reported that is an issue. Either it just report it, condemn it, or defend the guy. After you do that, leave it the fuck alone. But ESPN can't help itself. The next day after the report surfaced, writers over at the WWL just couldn't resist referring to Soto in a dismissive tone. From Friday, June 26th:

[The Cubs win] and they can thank Geovany Soto, of all people, for that.

And as the headline from the scoreboard read:

...Soto atones as Cubs top ChiSox

Atones for what? Every night after a game, players descend upon their favorite restaurant, bar, or club and get drunk. They don't get tested for alcohol that night or even the following morning and fans go blissfully unaware of the previous nights shenanigans. Except in the case of one Nick Adenhart. Not only was the driver that hit Adenhart's vehicle drunk, but so too was Adenhart, as well as Adenhart's driver. To my knowledge, we don't have intensive laws against high-driving, and to date, there haven't been many (or any) deadly car accidents because the driver was driving high, and only going 20 in a 35... Because the driver was so high.

The Adenhart incident is a tragedy and there is no attempt to paint the departed in a negative light. We have all either gotten behind the wheel, or allowed some other impaired driver bring us home, while drunk. But, which is the the greater threat? Getting high, or getting drunk? The results seemingly speak for themselves, but the decision is ultimately yours.

One thing is for certain, this was not Soto's first meeting with Mary Jane and it certainly won't be his last, he'll just more careful about the timing. So, if a 26 year-old man can climb his way into the Bigs, getting high on occasion (or often), and (most likely) not seriously endangering his or anyone else's life, then what is the issue? No, weed does not necessarily impact performance. No, he should not have to apologize for his actions. No, children do not take their pot-smoking cues from professional athletes who have tested positive for dope. Yes, you are ignorant if you think otherwise.

So pump the breaks, ESPN. Either laugh it off and chalk it up to the over-hyped non-sense that it is, or just report it as news. Shit, I got high this morning and still went to work. Think my boss or anyone else around me knows? Aside from the other person that's high, the answer is "Hell nah." Whatever you do, don't mount your high horse and make this young man feel any worse than he already does. He's already been embarrassed more than he should have been and doesn't need you piling on (as if he needs it, have you seen the dude's numbers lately? KILLING my fantasy squad). It's just some weed... There's no slippery slope here... Take a cue from Massachusetts and for once, ride a refreshing wave of just apathy.

Blogsturbation Monday

. . .


In a land filled with hope, wonder, and over-priced merchant goods, there was a highly coveted, supremely talented big man in Orlando. Known for his defensive prowess, as well as his monster dunks, the Big Man quickly managed to captivate the hearts and minds of fans across the NBA universe. He was known as the "Man of Steel", not only due to his physique, but also due to his ability to fly through the air before throwing something furious down. The Big Man was able to carry his team all the way to the Finals with his low post dominance and shot-blocking ability, charming crowds across America with his silly antics and gaping smile, and all at the tender age of 23.

However, in his first Finals appearance, the Big Man proved to be no match for his superior opponents, being dispatched with only the slightest of discernible objection. However, Big Man did manage to average 29 points and 13 rebounds per game against one of the best centers in NBA history.

Pau Gasol? No, you silly bastard. I'm referring to Hakeem Olajuwon.

Oh. Wait, did you think I was alluding to Dwight Howard's championship performance (13 pts, 15 rebs)? No. Thankfully we don't have to think about that sad story for the next few months. How to not show up, soldier boy. Now take off that silly cape. The drag is clearly impacting your low post maneuvering.

Congrats, Superman. You just let all your shitty fans down.


---

Sooooo, now that this hockey and basketball business is out of the way...

When does football season start again?

Lyme Disease is Vastly Overrated

Or so says my doctor, at least.

This is gonna be a tough week for FSD, unless Deuce is feeling strong enough to hoist this bastion of high art onto his robust shoulders and carries us into the mid-month. Unfortunately (for you), your trusty editorer is embroiled in an epic music orgy this week. I promise that if my drug-addled mind is capable of escaping the delirium, which excess is sure to induce, then I will certainly be pumping out all the posts that I can... Unless the tick that I just extracted from groin yesterday has anything to say about it.

I know, this is really bad timing considering that two of our favorite sports are climaxing, and especially in lieu of the fact that we have learned Tom Brady is a mutant this week. I promise to do what I can, and I promise to give Deuce as much shit as possible if he is unable to keep you entertained, and in turn, forces you to actually do some work for a change. And trust me, he suddenly has A LOT of time on his hands.

But never fear, for once I finally run this gauntlet, I should have some smashing stories for all of you... Or at the very least I will have plenty of gloating to jam down your gullets. And fuck ticks, man...

Drugs!

Blogsturbation Monday

Guaranteed Non-sense Edition


This morning Mo Williams of the Cleveland Cavaliers declared not only that his team was the best in basketball, but also went on to guarantee that the Cavaliers were going to win the Eastern Conference Final. That's right, future Hall-of-Famer, Mo Williams is now making guarantees. Apparently averaging 17 points, 5 assists, and over 500 words of shit-talk per game earns you the right to make ridiculous statements as he made this morning.

In related news; Trevor Ariza, Rafer Alston, and JR Smith also guaranteed victory for their teams in their respective series'. Yes indeed, the all-stars are coming out en masse just to let you know that even though they play mere contributing roles on their teams, that their huge mouths are contributing in other, more intangible methods toward the victory that is so assured. More Italicized words.

No sir, you cannot teach confidence, but I guess foolishness comes along in that innate and mysterious package deal.

I guarantee that two teams make it to the Finals, and two others do not. Prove me wrong.... Prove me wrong.

Re: Blogsturbation Monday

The Baby Lee speaks the truth. There's a time for objectivity and integrity, and then there's a time to root with every aching muscle of your being for the Bulls to absolutely embarrass the vaunted Celtics three more times over the next week or so.

I'll be upfront with you folks, I did not get to watch Game 1 due to unforseen water hazards. But imagine my surprise to learn that afternoon that not only did the Bulls not get run out of the Garden, but young Derrick Rose gave the Celtics a thorough trouncing. Now, let's not get ahead of ourselves. Here are some Game 1 anomalies that are certain to not continue:

- Jesus Shuttlesworth shooting lights-on (as in, the opposite of lights-out) all game. Apparently he didn't get David Stern's memo that anyone guarded by Ben Gordon in the playoffs is required to have a career game. He oughta get on the phone with Chauncey Billups and learn that he can post up Gordon with his eyes closed.

- Tyrus Thomas' love of the midrange jumper actually reciprocating love back to him. This guy should have exactly two responsibilities on a playoff caliber team: 1) pull down double-digit rebounds 2) alter shots around the rim and discourage the likes of Ray-John from driving the lane. Shooting crucial 18 foot jumpers IS NOT your game, Ty. Stick to the Dennis Rodman formula and we'll be fine.

What isn't an anomaly? Derrick Rose announcing to the galaxy that he's already a Top 5 (top 3?) NBA point guard. Rondo's good, yes he is. But he'll never be the best player on his team. Especially with Rose's cock up his ass.

Lastly, I provide you with a precise transcript of a text message sent by Sir Deuce-A-Lot here to the patriarch of this here blog about a week ago, the night the NBA regular season ended and the playoff match-ups were set:

"Bulls in 6. Motherfucker."

Blogsturbation Monday

It's So Fucking On Right About Now





















While it may be no surprise to those of you who follow us closely, and as much as we here at FSD would love to reside within the "Liberated Fandom" framework as prescribed by our (eventual) friends over at Free Darko... We have our rooting interests. And it just so happens that in the first round of these NBA playoffs, these interests have T-Boned one another in the busy intersection of hometown allegiance.

And not to suggest that these interests in the series itself needed any additional augmentation, but we went ahead and made it a little more interesting anyway: Should the Baby Bulls bring down the (ahem) shorthanded Celtics, then yours truly will purchase a plane ticket to a wanton cesspool of Deuce's choosing. However, should the Mighty C's prove the victor, then Deucebag will need to purchase a ticket of his own, to the destination of my choosing, where I will inundate him with the high-cultural education that he so desperately lacks.

Seeing as neither of these teams feels the need to apply any interior defensive pressure to their game plans, it seems that the two pictured above (Game 1 combined: 65 points on 60% shooting, 18 assists, and 13 rebounds) will play the pivotal roles in this Tale of Two Superior Cities.

And I would just like to encourage Tyrus Thomas to keep shooting as I'm sure he will keep up that torrid 66% from the field. Oh, and just a word to the wise, dickmonkey: the only time you run down the court with your shooting hand pointed toward the heavens is if you make a dagger-worthy 3-pointer, or a game-winning bucket. But I guess your inconsequential 18-footer was worthy of the honor, as well.

Game 2 tonight in Boston... Feel free to hit a shot Ray Ray.

Blogsturbation Monday

So while this may fall under the category of "Old News", I consider it to still be burning bright with the hot embers of controversy and intrigue. It was simply too hot to handle last week, and needed to cool a bit over the weekend. Now, we can pick it up and bat it around in order to better figure out what it all means. Let's discuss the Pros and Cons of...

Sourpuss in Chicagoland

Pro:

Denver was able to rid themselves of a potential clubhouse cancer. Sure, maybe McDaniels could have handled this a bit better. First off, by not letting his starting quarterback know that he was being shopped like a prized Filipino adolescent on the open market. But if Cutler was going to handle the situation like the true teenage girl that he is, well then beat it. Pioli taught him well enough to make the best out of a bad situation. Now they can rebuild that awful defense with a bunch of early draft picks over the next 2 years.

Con:

Denver is currently without an elite quarterback. While Cutler is as douchey as they come, he is certainly a much better quarterback than either Kyle Orton or Chris Simms. Kyle Orton is a "system quarterback" from what I keep hearing. Well, what fucking system will he be working with in Denver? Marshall, Royal, go run around and get open, and if it breaks down go deep, Cutler will hit you with his missile arm. That ain't gon be hapnin with Orton at the helm.

Pro:

Chicago picks up the quarterback they never had... And I mean like, fucking EVER. It's a been a sad state of affairs behind the center for the last two decades in Chitown, and now this problem has been addressed. Whether or not they have the ancillary offensive pieces in place to augment this addition remains to be seen. For as we all know, if Hester ain't returning punts for touchdowns, then Chicago ain't scoring. Although this should open up some holes for Forte even with that sorry offensive line.

Con:

When is the next time Chicago gets a draft pick? I mean, their defense is not what it used to be and the needs are piling up. Chicago had the third worst passing defense in the league last year. It was their defense that kept them in games while their offense had trouble getting passed mid-field. Now, it looks like Chicago needs to score real offensive points in order to stay in the game. Is Cutler all they need to accomplish this?

Pro:

Cougars in Chicago can once again be on the prowl. No longer must they be forced to bear witness to the insufferable image of Ye Ol Neckbearded One. Instead, they now have a young buck, who acts even younger then he actually is, which should get the cradle-robbers all sweaty in the grundy. I know Mrs. Deuce is particularly inspired by this development as facial hair has always caused uncomfortable chafing in her special darkness.

Con:

All Chicagoland females with a muff-beard fetish are seriously out of luck... Maybe they can start a petition that will get Cutler to grow some muff-around-the-mouth. But since puberty clearly hasn't set in yet for sourpuss, this may not be feasible.

Pro:

Denver liquor retailers are about to experience a serious boom in sales. Orton might not be one for passing prominence, but when it comes to passing out, the man is a future hall of famer. So no longer shall the reduced alcohol levels in the grocery store beer be a blockade to black out town. It's all Jack from here on out. Get your orders in now.

Con:

Chicago liquor sales will be dropping dramatically, and at a critical juncture during this economic spiral of smegma. Chicago package stores are being encouraged to stock up on baby formula as their new quarterback has developed a strong affection for it, especially since his mother finally waned him just prior to his freshman year of college.

PRO:

Seeing Bears fans talk themselves into this one... Is it football season yet???