Hi, Times

Emergency posting.


At least I think it's an emergency. 


I'm pretty sure it is, but I also know that the situation will shortly resolve itself once a reverse backlash is brought upon the initiators of the backlash in effort to restore order.


Hysteria is upon us:


Headline: Kobe-Lebron ads feature gun slang


So, I think I get it-


Guns are dangerous, or something.


Right?


But you know what else is dangerous?  Poor journalism.


I'd say get fucked, but you don't even deserve it.

Daily, er, Monthly Bills

The Buffalo Bills are a sad sack organization. They have a great fanbase, but it is a tortured one. If the Bills aren't wallowing in the basement of the AFC East, well then they are off losing consecutive Super Bowls four at a time. Sadly, this is the most interesting point of note for the entire organization. Don't believe it? Well then allow us to extend an invitation so that you may find out for yourself. You are ALL invited to bear witness to the wretched hilarity that is the Buffalo Bills Daily calendar.

What's that?  The season is over, so why are we still talking Bills?  Well, little Jimmy, just because the season is over doesn't mean the fun has to end!

Thursday, January 15th


Bills Fact

On this day (like, on this. very. day.) Buffalo Bill sackmaster and Hall of Famer Bruce Smith pleaded guilty to a DUI charge stemming from an incident back in May of 2009 in the state of Virginia.  After being pulled over by police officers, Smith failed several field sobriety tests that were administered.  Bills fans maintain that Bruce Smith failed the sobriety tests due to his lingering knee issues that ultimately led to his retirement.  However the judge ruled in favor of the State, fining the NFL all-time sack leader $1,000 and was sentencing him to a mandatory alcohol safety program.

--
On the bright side, Bills fans, what is one more failure in the grand scheme of things?  Sure this is disgraceful and embarassing, but so is your football team, so all in all, you have got bigger issues to deal with.  Things such as, who is your quarterback next year?  Honestly, who is the hells is going to be your quarterback next year.  And perhaps most importantly, will it even matter?

And while we here at FSD won't be bringing these interesting factoids... daily, we will do you the favor of cherry-picking the GEMS such as the one above, so that you are able to know only the truly important details concerning this sad bastard franchise. Until the next black eye, Go Billies!

So, I Guess This is Goodbye?

Ohhh, so any player that is caught cheating prior to 2004 is cool.

It's just any player that is caught doping after 2004 should be punished eternally?

Because, players prior to 2004 just didn't know any better. The world may as well have been flat to them. Right...

It seemed strange that Papi decided to defend A-Rod during this little speech. But, in actuality, he wasn't defending him at all. He was defending himself.

What was that, you ask? Oh, don't worry. It was just the sound of my heart breaking.

You Ever Caught for Carlos Zambrano?

You ever caught for Carlos Zambrano... ON WEED???

Last November, voters in Massachusetts overwhelmingly decided to decriminalize marijuana. If less than one ounce of marijuana is found in your possession, then the maximum penalty is a $100 fine, with no criminal record of the incident. The good people of Massachusetts basically stated, "If you smoke weed, then who gives a shit? We got better things to worry about." And with good reason, because honestly, if you think smoking marijuana is a crime, then move to Malaysia and get a job with the government, you will fit right in... You jackass.

Better still, go work for the WWL.

Geovany Soto tested positive for Marijuana during the World Baseball Classic this passed Spring and unlike the good people of Massachusetts, ESPN decided they should make a big deal out of it. However, ESPN does not treat these stories with the same gravity as they would, say a PED story. When Manny Ramirez tested positive for whatever the hell he tested positive the mood down in Bristol most closely resembled a funeral. At times it felt as if Manny was some kind of victim. At best, he was a cautionary tale, rather than an outright cheater who should exposed and ridiculed for his actions. Most likely, however, ESPN was simply mourning the loss of a default story line; Manny went 0 for 4 in the game, but look! He has dreadlocks! Oh, Manny.

Contrast the tone of the Sotojuana story with that of the Manny saga. ESPN was derisive with Soto, even to the point of being hypocritical. On the one side, ESPN wants to embarrass Soto, painting him as some kind of fool that deserves to be mocked because, well, only clowns smoke weed, right? But then out of the other side of their mouth, they make light out of the situation.

Banter

Stu Scott: Stone Cold Soto's apparently more concerned with appeasing his craving for munchies, then boosting his OPS.

/Chuckles

Neil Everett: Yeah, his numbers might not be high as last year, but he most certainly is...

/Guffaws.

Ahem, but seriously kids, smoking weed is wrong, and Mr. Soto has really set a bad example.

Stu Scott: Wrong like Cheech n' Chong... Oops!

/Explosions of laughter.

Now of course ESPN needs to report this information to it's consumers. But it's the manner in which it is reported that is an issue. Either it just report it, condemn it, or defend the guy. After you do that, leave it the fuck alone. But ESPN can't help itself. The next day after the report surfaced, writers over at the WWL just couldn't resist referring to Soto in a dismissive tone. From Friday, June 26th:

[The Cubs win] and they can thank Geovany Soto, of all people, for that.

And as the headline from the scoreboard read:

...Soto atones as Cubs top ChiSox

Atones for what? Every night after a game, players descend upon their favorite restaurant, bar, or club and get drunk. They don't get tested for alcohol that night or even the following morning and fans go blissfully unaware of the previous nights shenanigans. Except in the case of one Nick Adenhart. Not only was the driver that hit Adenhart's vehicle drunk, but so too was Adenhart, as well as Adenhart's driver. To my knowledge, we don't have intensive laws against high-driving, and to date, there haven't been many (or any) deadly car accidents because the driver was driving high, and only going 20 in a 35... Because the driver was so high.

The Adenhart incident is a tragedy and there is no attempt to paint the departed in a negative light. We have all either gotten behind the wheel, or allowed some other impaired driver bring us home, while drunk. But, which is the the greater threat? Getting high, or getting drunk? The results seemingly speak for themselves, but the decision is ultimately yours.

One thing is for certain, this was not Soto's first meeting with Mary Jane and it certainly won't be his last, he'll just more careful about the timing. So, if a 26 year-old man can climb his way into the Bigs, getting high on occasion (or often), and (most likely) not seriously endangering his or anyone else's life, then what is the issue? No, weed does not necessarily impact performance. No, he should not have to apologize for his actions. No, children do not take their pot-smoking cues from professional athletes who have tested positive for dope. Yes, you are ignorant if you think otherwise.

So pump the breaks, ESPN. Either laugh it off and chalk it up to the over-hyped non-sense that it is, or just report it as news. Shit, I got high this morning and still went to work. Think my boss or anyone else around me knows? Aside from the other person that's high, the answer is "Hell nah." Whatever you do, don't mount your high horse and make this young man feel any worse than he already does. He's already been embarrassed more than he should have been and doesn't need you piling on (as if he needs it, have you seen the dude's numbers lately? KILLING my fantasy squad). It's just some weed... There's no slippery slope here... Take a cue from Massachusetts and for once, ride a refreshing wave of just apathy.

Social Anxiety Disorder?

Take two of these...


And call me in the morning after you've CHILLED... THE FUCK... OUT!

Seriously, I wonder if we just dropped you spazzes off in the middle of the African savannah, would the lions and the cheetahs begin to make y'all paranoid after a while? Well, I should fucking hope so! Given the fact that they, unlike us, actually want to fucking make your lives miserable by eating you alive! At the very least it would give you some well-needed perspective. We, the people, would never even consider eating you alive... Unless there were rampant food shortages... But there aren't! At least not at the moment...

So Khalil, Dontrelle, Joey; would you please lock it up? Follow Zack's lead and get your act together because I mean, at least one of you has a promising career to look forward to.

This is Manny...

Manny had Bitch Tits.

My name is Manny.

I was a juicer. You know, using steroids. HCG, then hormonal therapy, they use for expecting mothers for Christ sakes. And now I'm bankrupt, I'm divorced, my two grown kids won't even return my calls...

They're gonna have to open my pecs again to drain the fluid.

I'm still a man...

I am not sure if this speaks to the slow nature of baseball, or if it is simply because Manny is the first REAL name to be caught in a drug test for PED's, but I did at least want to add to the hype a little more, even though we reached saturation point at about 7PM EDT on Thursday.

But what I'm really here to do is give you the real story.

The long hair?

The bizarre attempt to say this was being used for personal, medical reasons and not for performance enhancement?

The move to California?

It all speaks to one singular, unequviocal fact:

Manny Ramirez will soon be undergoing a sex change operation.

Ladies and gentlemen...

Allow me to introduce...

The Mangina.