En Route: Willin'

The NFL always wanted to treat the Pro Bowl as if it were some kind of treat, a dessert, if you will. After the main course that was the season, we had hopefully saved room for some special creation that would send us off into the night, not only nourished, but satisfied. Unfortunately, the Pro Bowl was never all that sweet, and most of us just left the restaurant before it could even be served, content to wander the streets until it was time for the August appetizer.

Go on...

Blogsturbation Monday

Guaranteed Non-sense Edition


This morning Mo Williams of the Cleveland Cavaliers declared not only that his team was the best in basketball, but also went on to guarantee that the Cavaliers were going to win the Eastern Conference Final. That's right, future Hall-of-Famer, Mo Williams is now making guarantees. Apparently averaging 17 points, 5 assists, and over 500 words of shit-talk per game earns you the right to make ridiculous statements as he made this morning.

In related news; Trevor Ariza, Rafer Alston, and JR Smith also guaranteed victory for their teams in their respective series'. Yes indeed, the all-stars are coming out en masse just to let you know that even though they play mere contributing roles on their teams, that their huge mouths are contributing in other, more intangible methods toward the victory that is so assured. More Italicized words.

No sir, you cannot teach confidence, but I guess foolishness comes along in that innate and mysterious package deal.

I guarantee that two teams make it to the Finals, and two others do not. Prove me wrong.... Prove me wrong.

How to Lose Money and Alienate People

"You don't know when to quit, do ya Griswold?... Here's an idea: Why don't you give me half the money you were gonna bet, then we'll go out back, I'll kick you in the nuts, and we'll call it a day!"

Because the Gray's Sports Almanac does not actually exist, many 21st century fanatics (like myself) who need a little extra spice added to our sports love-making regularly wager our hard-earned (and occasionally stolen) money on the outcome of sporting events and/or seasons. It's a truly remarkable viewing-enhancing substance, this gambling. Nothing can make a Raptors/Kings ABC Game-of-the-Week at 9 AM on Saturday morning more interesting than a nice little $10 parlay. (By the way, don't you EVER bet on the Kings. Ever).

Most people don't actually bet on sports to win money. Hopefully because most people I know aren't arrogant enough to believe they are smarter and more educated and insightful about Team X than a Vegas oddsmaker who, you know, does this for a living. Most people I know bet on sports because it makes the game more interesting, and occasionally validates that you, as a geeked-out fan, might actually know a thing or two about your favorite sport/team/athlete/golfer/animal/motorized vehicle/golfer. That way if you win, you can move forward acting like an arrogant prick much smarter, more educated and insightful than any toolbag in some square cubicle who, you know, does this for a living!

Though, if you're trying to avoid that "just-been-kicked-in-the-nuts" feeling come this NFL season (is it still only May?!), I provide you with the early Over/Under Win Totals for each NFL team this season, complete with my Picks-to-Click to help you turn that $20 into $38.94 from Bodog. I'm just gonna link to the O/U's, and provide my commentary below. Not all teams will be treated equally, because who gives a dogshit about the Bucs anyways?

http://www.lasvegassun.com/blogs/sports/2009/apr/27/betting-lines-posted-nfl-team-season-wins/


Bengals UNDER 5.5 wins

I've got early money on the Bengals as the worst team in the NFL this year. They lost their best/only reliable offensive weapon and are riding the Ced Benson Experience in the backfield. Despite a strong draft, Chad 85's virtual insanity, Marvin Lewis' chop job and an abyssmal defense get Cincy 5 wins...maybe.

Dolphins UNDER 8 wins

This offense got exposed last season when the Wildcat became less cool! and innovative! and more predictable and gimmicky. They've got a difficult schedule and Chad Pennington still has the arm of a schoolchild.

Vikings OVER 8.5 wins

Sans BFF, of course. If there's a BFF sighting in St. Paul, I retract this statement and would like to go on record with a 7 win prediction for the Queens. Best player and best defense in the division OUGHT to be good for an above .500 season. Ought to.

Eagles OVER 9 wins

While all their division opponents were either subtracting valuable players or pissing off valuable players, the Eagles added Pro-Bowlers and game-changers. It feels like McNabb's Last Stand in Philly, and double-digit wins seems likely.

Jets UNDER 8 wins

Because, DAMN this is a shitty and disarray-ed football team. Kellen Clemens? Yikes.

Other potential tantalyzing wagers:

Broncos over 7.5 (Neckbeard Vindication)

Raiders under 5.5

Steelers over 10.5.

Now go out there and win yourself some money and pride! And if not, make sure to come on back here. I just bought some steel-toed boots...

Proprietary Non-Sense In Our Nation's Capital

Some disturbing news from the "Our home fans suck, so we have to artificially tip the scales in their favor" file. According to the Washington Post Capitals majority owner Ted Leonsis has restricted ticket sales for the Penguins-Capitals series to to a specific district encompassing the "states" of Maryland, DC, and Virginia. And the dicksucker sees no problem with this:

"... I don't feel any shame in this. I think I'm doing exactly the right thing, and I don't feel I need to apologize. There's other franchises and other teams that want to sell tickets, and really don't care who they sell it to. But frankly, I do, and I think I'm doing the right thing the right way."

You see what the problem is Ted, is that other owners either A) don't need to worry about who buys their tickets because they have loyal fans who support their hometown team or B) face up to the fact that, although their team finished 2nd in the conference, their fans suck and deserve to lose home ice advantage.

The San Diego Chargers pulled a similar tactic during the 2007 playoffs. It didn't work out in their favor, and if I believed in bullshit, I'd say that this is karma at work. But I think it has more to do with an incomplete team spurring owner's insecurity toward cowardly business practices.

With the exception of season ticketholders, everyone has the same opportunity to purchase tickets for a playoff games. Assuming that the home team has a decent amount of season ticketholders and that Penguins fans are more concerned about buying tickets for games closer to their geographical location, then the ratio of hometown fans to visiting fans should be fairly secure. And what the fuck? If I live in Florida, but happen to be a lifetime Caps fan, then I can only buy tickets from some scumbag DC scalper? Buuuullshit.

How to think this one through, Ted. You think you're doing yourself and your fans a favor, but you're only expressing a lack of faith in your valued possession as well as your clientele. Pussy.

TO Ron TO

JP Edwards?!

Trent Losman?!

Nah, they don't even play football, man...

You're kidding me, right?



Who's that?

Man, you and I know, there ain't no quarterback in the NFL named "JP".

Now, who's that dude?

Ain't no quarterbacks named "Trent"... Well, now that you mention it, he used to play for the Chiefs, right? Yeah he's the dude with all them concussions.

Dude's like 40 years old?!

Oh... other Trent. What OTHER Trent?!

Drew...

DREW!? I'm talking to you, man!

You're kidding me, right?!

These guys?

These guys are...


My Quarterbacks?!

They're my QUARTERBACKS!?!

.... It's not FAIR!

Deuce, I've Got Drew Rosenhaus on Line 1

In an effort to avoid compromising the historic cultivation of the first human child spawned using only the sperm of three mostly-Caucasian males (Romo, Witten and Garrett) in his secret underground laboratory, the Dallas Cowboys Big Dick In Charge released Terrell Owens late last night. So now, a quick-hitter analysis of who may be interested enough, masochistic enough, or just straight-up ballsy enough to give Popcorn Abs a umpteenth chance. Or, just some teams that would be really damn entertaining with TO along for the ride:

Washington Redskins: Because Daniel Snyder is Jerry Jones before he was potty-trained. Highly unlikely that they've got the cheddar to afford him, but I'm sure Snyder's balls dropped a little farther at the thought of pairing TO along side Santayana on the offense.

New England Patriots: Corey Dillon. Randy Moss. Rodney Harrison. The Patriots crave character. Plus, he might be able to help them lure Pac-Man. Also, I believe Belichick and Owens were molded by Lucifer from the same pile of dogshit-encrusted lava rock.

Oakland Raiders: Because Al Davis just had his first erection in 3 decades.

Baltimore Ravens: Spurn me once, shame on you. Spurn me twice, and Ray Lewis will invest in some throwing knives. Unless Coach Harbaugh was planning on employing the 3-Fullback system again this year.

Miami Dolphins: Bill Parcells has the nuts to pull it off, J-Peezy has the insanity to not put up with his shit and Chad Pennington has the vagina to throw him the damn ball every play!

Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Out with the old (stockpiling mediocre QB's) and in with the new (stockpiling knucklehead WR's with not an arm to throw it to them). And their new coach may potentially hate white people as much as TO. Plus, it's warm.

Arizona Cardinals: Since nothing else they do seems to make any sense. And between Warner's Bible Study groups and Leinarts Pooty Train, Owens' life would be complete.

New York Giants: TO's never shot himself in the leg, and I personally would like to see Tom Coughlin's Face create a previously-unattainable hue of red that would provide lighting for an entire block of strip joints.

New York Yankees: Hank Steinbrenner likes his leadership capabilities, and his willingness to change positions to fill a hole at 3B. Plus he'd be their cheapest player.

Minnesota Vikings: This is the one place where fans might actually be supporitve of signing TO. Only for the sheer possibility that he murders Brad Childress in cold blood on the sidelines with a kicking tee.

Cincinnati Bengals: Because Armageddon is upon us.

El NBA Cares

... About Mexicans.

The financial disaster that is the NBA continues to look for new and exciting ways to increase their fanbase. Their latest effort to invigorate ticket sales targets the rapidly growing Hispanic demographic in the United States. Let's take a look at some of the ideas that the NBA has considered employing in the face of these uncertain times:

Official Press Release:

With the influx of illegal immigrants streaming across our borders... We mean, of Hispanic Americans who have become NBA fans over the last few years, the NBA feels that it is important to inject some "Latino culture" into our beloved sport every now and again. Therefore, we have decided to unveil our "Spanish Initiative" during the marquee, Texas-sized match up between the Dallas Mavericks and San Antonio Spurs.

- During the game each fan that is unable to prove their United States citizenship will receive an inflatable raft which they can use either to cross back and forth across "El" Rio Grande, or send it back home to Mexico in order to transport their relatives across said river... Excuse us, RIO!

- During the game each fan will receive a voucher for one free taco courtesy of Taco Bell, because Mexicans just love those tacos from Mexico's official restaurant!

- Compasses will be handed out to all attendees that appear to be a bit more "tan" than the average American. These compasses can be used to navigate your way back to your shanty, and/or can help your soon-to-be illegal relatives cross the Sonoran Desert into the USA!

- Spanish to English dictionaries will be provided to any non-native English speaker in hopes that we can help our clogged schools and over-worked educators recover from the burgeoning ESS requirements that have riddled and single-handedly paralyzed our education system.

- For one night only, referees will be making all foul calls in Spanish!

- Bull fighting at half time!

- Free wheel spinners for any and all attendees who are at minimum 5% Hispanic! They look great on any shitbox Toyota!

- While some home teams choose to play music during their offensive possessions, the NBA has decided that it will blast repetitive Ranchero music throughout the course of the ENTIRE Spurs-Mavs match up in honor of Hispanic brethren's poor taste in music.

Oh fuck it...

- The NBA has decided to add the great Spanish word "LOS" to both participating team's jerseys in honor Old West shoot-out!


It's gonna be so great, you might even forget about the Alamo and all it symbolizes to your colonized territories! We're kidding, of course.


THE NBA CARES!