Deuce, I've Got Drew Rosenhaus on Line 1

In an effort to avoid compromising the historic cultivation of the first human child spawned using only the sperm of three mostly-Caucasian males (Romo, Witten and Garrett) in his secret underground laboratory, the Dallas Cowboys Big Dick In Charge released Terrell Owens late last night. So now, a quick-hitter analysis of who may be interested enough, masochistic enough, or just straight-up ballsy enough to give Popcorn Abs a umpteenth chance. Or, just some teams that would be really damn entertaining with TO along for the ride:

Washington Redskins: Because Daniel Snyder is Jerry Jones before he was potty-trained. Highly unlikely that they've got the cheddar to afford him, but I'm sure Snyder's balls dropped a little farther at the thought of pairing TO along side Santayana on the offense.

New England Patriots: Corey Dillon. Randy Moss. Rodney Harrison. The Patriots crave character. Plus, he might be able to help them lure Pac-Man. Also, I believe Belichick and Owens were molded by Lucifer from the same pile of dogshit-encrusted lava rock.

Oakland Raiders: Because Al Davis just had his first erection in 3 decades.

Baltimore Ravens: Spurn me once, shame on you. Spurn me twice, and Ray Lewis will invest in some throwing knives. Unless Coach Harbaugh was planning on employing the 3-Fullback system again this year.

Miami Dolphins: Bill Parcells has the nuts to pull it off, J-Peezy has the insanity to not put up with his shit and Chad Pennington has the vagina to throw him the damn ball every play!

Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Out with the old (stockpiling mediocre QB's) and in with the new (stockpiling knucklehead WR's with not an arm to throw it to them). And their new coach may potentially hate white people as much as TO. Plus, it's warm.

Arizona Cardinals: Since nothing else they do seems to make any sense. And between Warner's Bible Study groups and Leinarts Pooty Train, Owens' life would be complete.

New York Giants: TO's never shot himself in the leg, and I personally would like to see Tom Coughlin's Face create a previously-unattainable hue of red that would provide lighting for an entire block of strip joints.

New York Yankees: Hank Steinbrenner likes his leadership capabilities, and his willingness to change positions to fill a hole at 3B. Plus he'd be their cheapest player.

Minnesota Vikings: This is the one place where fans might actually be supporitve of signing TO. Only for the sheer possibility that he murders Brad Childress in cold blood on the sidelines with a kicking tee.

Cincinnati Bengals: Because Armageddon is upon us.

Psychoanalytic Musings from Dr. b. Lee

On Respect; Comparing apples to apples, pt. 2

Some may charge that I'm kidding myself in comparing TO and KB. KB doesn't have the same problems with teammates as TO. But, did we forget about the whole Shaq debacle? Did you forget about what he said leading up to the 2007-8 season regarding his teammates and the team's owner? Does Kobe not "act out" on the court?

I would charge that the only difference between the two is their access to the limelight. KB gets the ball whenever he wants. Therefore, he doesn't need to whine about it… Because he would. TO on the other hand is subject to play-calling, route-running, the safety blitz, and the Cowboys shitty offensive line. These are constraints that KB does not know. If KB were only allowed to touch the ball on every 4th possession, how do you think he would respond? One can suspect that if this were the case, KB would be mailing it in a lot more often (than he already does).

But the substantive similarity is undeniable. These men are two of the best performers in their respective sports. However, they behave as if they were two up-and-comers that needed to separate themselves from the pack. Histrionics and masturbatory celebrations are not fun, they don’t add any additional entertainment value to the game, they certainly aren’t boosting any profiles, and don't you dare call them clever. They’re a cry for help from those who are emotionally underdeveloped and insatiably egocentric. These accessories to a player's “repertoire” only serve to detract from their legacy and from their standing in the eyes of the average fan.

So Kobe and Terrell I say unto you, keep it quiet, keep it cool, and just fucking relax. Then you'll realize and keep the respect. Even if you still don't think you're getting enough of it.