Jason Kidd...

Still a douchebag



You know, just in case you thought he wasn't a wife-beater who blows kisses before taking free throws, stoops to bush league plays such as the one featured above, and will never win an NBA title...

Just in case.

Of All the Bad Ideas...

This is probably your worst.

Interminably bland, annoying, and excuse-oriented Olympic medalist to appear on interminably interminable, flip-flopping, uncomical clown's first annoying show back since killing the funny on NBC.

Go on...

Happy Baby Mama Day Y'all

Now I know it's a little late. I know this. But usually I'm always on time. I come at just the right time. I've had a lot of practice and I pride myself on bein' a professional. It's the girls that always be late.

Late as in...

"It's late. Can I just sleep here tonight?"

"My period is late."

"Lately, my mood is just up and down cause you got me pregnant."

Just the other day, the judge tol' me that I was late. I said, "Late for what?" He said, "On yuh chile support." I said, "Hell naw. I just ain't payin."

But anyway, I never understood "Mama Day", cause I mean, without daddy, they ain't no mamas. And without people like myself, well, let's just say their would be a whole lot fewer mamas out there that be celebratin' today. So from now on, I don't celebrate Mama Day. I mean, I love my mama, but does she really deserve her own day? I just don't know about that.

So from now on, I don't call it Mama Day. I call it "Daddy Day". And in honor of this day, I gotta go get my celebration on. Here's a few condoms for yourself, I ain't gon be needin em where I'm goin...

Deuce, I've Got Drew Rosenhaus on Line 1

In an effort to avoid compromising the historic cultivation of the first human child spawned using only the sperm of three mostly-Caucasian males (Romo, Witten and Garrett) in his secret underground laboratory, the Dallas Cowboys Big Dick In Charge released Terrell Owens late last night. So now, a quick-hitter analysis of who may be interested enough, masochistic enough, or just straight-up ballsy enough to give Popcorn Abs a umpteenth chance. Or, just some teams that would be really damn entertaining with TO along for the ride:

Washington Redskins: Because Daniel Snyder is Jerry Jones before he was potty-trained. Highly unlikely that they've got the cheddar to afford him, but I'm sure Snyder's balls dropped a little farther at the thought of pairing TO along side Santayana on the offense.

New England Patriots: Corey Dillon. Randy Moss. Rodney Harrison. The Patriots crave character. Plus, he might be able to help them lure Pac-Man. Also, I believe Belichick and Owens were molded by Lucifer from the same pile of dogshit-encrusted lava rock.

Oakland Raiders: Because Al Davis just had his first erection in 3 decades.

Baltimore Ravens: Spurn me once, shame on you. Spurn me twice, and Ray Lewis will invest in some throwing knives. Unless Coach Harbaugh was planning on employing the 3-Fullback system again this year.

Miami Dolphins: Bill Parcells has the nuts to pull it off, J-Peezy has the insanity to not put up with his shit and Chad Pennington has the vagina to throw him the damn ball every play!

Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Out with the old (stockpiling mediocre QB's) and in with the new (stockpiling knucklehead WR's with not an arm to throw it to them). And their new coach may potentially hate white people as much as TO. Plus, it's warm.

Arizona Cardinals: Since nothing else they do seems to make any sense. And between Warner's Bible Study groups and Leinarts Pooty Train, Owens' life would be complete.

New York Giants: TO's never shot himself in the leg, and I personally would like to see Tom Coughlin's Face create a previously-unattainable hue of red that would provide lighting for an entire block of strip joints.

New York Yankees: Hank Steinbrenner likes his leadership capabilities, and his willingness to change positions to fill a hole at 3B. Plus he'd be their cheapest player.

Minnesota Vikings: This is the one place where fans might actually be supporitve of signing TO. Only for the sheer possibility that he murders Brad Childress in cold blood on the sidelines with a kicking tee.

Cincinnati Bengals: Because Armageddon is upon us.