The Rhythm is Gonna Get You

As if it were possible for the Miami Dolphins to get any softer/more difficult to take seriously. It just happened...

Gloria Estefan recently purchased a stake in the Miami Dolphins ensuring positive support from middle-aged white men looking for some additional spice in their lives, but negative gains from those who prefer balls with their sports. According to sources, the Dolphins are looking to make gains in the vast Hispanic demographic in Miami-Dade area and believe that the Miami Sound Machine could facilitate some headway... If this were 1985.

And if Dolphins management is looking to make some real, positive gains into the Hispanic community, maybe it's the vaginal mascot that is the real issue. It lacks the necessary machismo that your target audience appreciates.


So, we here at FSD have come up with with a few suggestions for new team names:

The Defectors

The Mojitors

The Vices

The Pride (No, not like the Lion... Like the Gay)

The Rubber Rafters

The Parrotheads

Heat Nuggets (Cross-promotional opportunity! Synergy!)

The Jaywalkers

The Castrators (Better than Castro's Ballbag)

The Sound Machine

Ponder this??? Whose musical crimes are more egregious; Gloria Estefan's or Jimmy Buffett's?

Follow-up question; is it better to burn out or to continue making shitty music for all of my aunts and uncles to enjoy at sold out stadiums each and every fucking summer?

GO AWAY!

And Out of the Ashes...

The hockey and basketball seasons may be a smoldering rubble of what once was hours upon hours of entertainment. But do not fear, for there are other, more niche sports out there that can certainly occupy our time. For we find no need to freak out here at FSD (unless not in public), as we know that on any green pitch, frozen service, or flat, cemented area that sport can be found. And so without further ado, allow me to introduce to you, FROLF.



It's like golf, just cheaper and with more drug consumption. Well, probably about the same amount of drug consumption. The only thing that turns me off from this sport is that I'm probably worse at it than real golf... Somehow. No word as to whether or not the director is submitting the film to Cannes or not.

Blogsturbation Monday

. . .


In a land filled with hope, wonder, and over-priced merchant goods, there was a highly coveted, supremely talented big man in Orlando. Known for his defensive prowess, as well as his monster dunks, the Big Man quickly managed to captivate the hearts and minds of fans across the NBA universe. He was known as the "Man of Steel", not only due to his physique, but also due to his ability to fly through the air before throwing something furious down. The Big Man was able to carry his team all the way to the Finals with his low post dominance and shot-blocking ability, charming crowds across America with his silly antics and gaping smile, and all at the tender age of 23.

However, in his first Finals appearance, the Big Man proved to be no match for his superior opponents, being dispatched with only the slightest of discernible objection. However, Big Man did manage to average 29 points and 13 rebounds per game against one of the best centers in NBA history.

Pau Gasol? No, you silly bastard. I'm referring to Hakeem Olajuwon.

Oh. Wait, did you think I was alluding to Dwight Howard's championship performance (13 pts, 15 rebs)? No. Thankfully we don't have to think about that sad story for the next few months. How to not show up, soldier boy. Now take off that silly cape. The drag is clearly impacting your low post maneuvering.

Congrats, Superman. You just let all your shitty fans down.


---

Sooooo, now that this hockey and basketball business is out of the way...

When does football season start again?

An Alternative to Grades

We don't believe in "grades" here at Free Spirit Academy. We feel that grades only serve to confine the soul, and restrict real emotional and social development. Instead we explore a truly developmental path with our students in hopes of augmenting the maturation process and removing the restrictions, as well as the anti-progressive nature of the rigid pass-fail framework, so that in time we can all become responsible adults, allowing us to make sound judgments and informed decisions.


It is with this backdrop in mind, that ESPN has allowed us to take a look at some of the NFL's draft picks, organization by organization, in order to assess the quality of these selections, not to condemn or marginalize, but rather to improve their outlook and hopefully enhance the quality of their decisions in the future.

So let's get started shall we?

The New York Jets: Sparkling.

Even in your young age, you continue to impress and please. A defensive-minded coach takes the reigns, adds wisdom and athleticism to one side of the ball in free agency, and THEN picks a quarterback in the first-round?! We are just so impressed with your balance. You took initiative, and added value to your team. Your parents are going to be so proud of you.

The Houston Texans: Glowing.

You have taken such great steps since you have been in the league. Even with your, let's call it, questionable first pick ever, you have persevered and continued to push ahead, even when people have nothing good to say about your decisions. I'm looking at your Mr. Super Mario!

You located your problems and have decided to meet them head on, bolstering your defense and improving the positive vibes in your front office. Keep it up because everything is bigger in Texas, especially that number in the "W" column.

The New England Patriots: Steady

Oh Bill, you always have us fooled don't you. You walk to the beat of your own grumpy drum, and that is just fine with the Academy. You work with an eye toward the future, knowing that the present is only what is right under your nose, but that the future extends beyond what your watchful eyes can see. No linebackers? No problem. One will come around in time. And just look at the diversity in your picks. Willing to take a chance on a problem child. You are a saint, indeed. Good luck, Bill. Although we all know that you won't need it.

The Dallas Cowboys: Curious.

But in a good way! You tried to do the best with what you had, and that is noble. But I think we learned a valuable lesson in foresight, right? It's important to be happy in the now, but of course the future is where we want to be happy. Look at your classmate, Mr. Belichick. He understands this better than anyone. Maybe we should have you two sit next to each other. But, you tried to make the best with what you had, and you did your best, even if your best isn't good enough.

The Denver Broncos: Interesting...

Okay, I'm not mad at you, but I think we can make better decisions. Mr. Moreno may have a very productive football career, and perhaps Mr. Ayers can add to your pass rush in the short term, but I feel as if we did not necessarily address your needs properly. We all have needs that need be addressed, and while running backs can be fun, fun is not worth much when your defense is getting gashed and your offense is never on the field, and even when it is, your quarterback stinks...

Okay, I apologize. Your future is very bright, and you are the shining light at the end of your fans' tunnel.

The Oakland Raiders: Ahm...

Are you actually enrolled here at the Academy? Oh, you are? Cause I don't see you on the... Okay, so you are under LA Raiders still. Okay, we'll get that fixed...

Wow, I am not sure sure what you did here... Are you sure you should be here? I mean, what the fuck? No, I'm not even sorry about this. You are utterly hopeless. You're old and anachronistic, and you have lost your mind completely. I mean, CRABTREE IS RIGHT THERE! TAKE HIM!

That's it, just go away. Seriously, get out of my sight. You just ruined my day. You get an "F." Leave.

Blogsturbation Monday

So while this may fall under the category of "Old News", I consider it to still be burning bright with the hot embers of controversy and intrigue. It was simply too hot to handle last week, and needed to cool a bit over the weekend. Now, we can pick it up and bat it around in order to better figure out what it all means. Let's discuss the Pros and Cons of...

Sourpuss in Chicagoland

Pro:

Denver was able to rid themselves of a potential clubhouse cancer. Sure, maybe McDaniels could have handled this a bit better. First off, by not letting his starting quarterback know that he was being shopped like a prized Filipino adolescent on the open market. But if Cutler was going to handle the situation like the true teenage girl that he is, well then beat it. Pioli taught him well enough to make the best out of a bad situation. Now they can rebuild that awful defense with a bunch of early draft picks over the next 2 years.

Con:

Denver is currently without an elite quarterback. While Cutler is as douchey as they come, he is certainly a much better quarterback than either Kyle Orton or Chris Simms. Kyle Orton is a "system quarterback" from what I keep hearing. Well, what fucking system will he be working with in Denver? Marshall, Royal, go run around and get open, and if it breaks down go deep, Cutler will hit you with his missile arm. That ain't gon be hapnin with Orton at the helm.

Pro:

Chicago picks up the quarterback they never had... And I mean like, fucking EVER. It's a been a sad state of affairs behind the center for the last two decades in Chitown, and now this problem has been addressed. Whether or not they have the ancillary offensive pieces in place to augment this addition remains to be seen. For as we all know, if Hester ain't returning punts for touchdowns, then Chicago ain't scoring. Although this should open up some holes for Forte even with that sorry offensive line.

Con:

When is the next time Chicago gets a draft pick? I mean, their defense is not what it used to be and the needs are piling up. Chicago had the third worst passing defense in the league last year. It was their defense that kept them in games while their offense had trouble getting passed mid-field. Now, it looks like Chicago needs to score real offensive points in order to stay in the game. Is Cutler all they need to accomplish this?

Pro:

Cougars in Chicago can once again be on the prowl. No longer must they be forced to bear witness to the insufferable image of Ye Ol Neckbearded One. Instead, they now have a young buck, who acts even younger then he actually is, which should get the cradle-robbers all sweaty in the grundy. I know Mrs. Deuce is particularly inspired by this development as facial hair has always caused uncomfortable chafing in her special darkness.

Con:

All Chicagoland females with a muff-beard fetish are seriously out of luck... Maybe they can start a petition that will get Cutler to grow some muff-around-the-mouth. But since puberty clearly hasn't set in yet for sourpuss, this may not be feasible.

Pro:

Denver liquor retailers are about to experience a serious boom in sales. Orton might not be one for passing prominence, but when it comes to passing out, the man is a future hall of famer. So no longer shall the reduced alcohol levels in the grocery store beer be a blockade to black out town. It's all Jack from here on out. Get your orders in now.

Con:

Chicago liquor sales will be dropping dramatically, and at a critical juncture during this economic spiral of smegma. Chicago package stores are being encouraged to stock up on baby formula as their new quarterback has developed a strong affection for it, especially since his mother finally waned him just prior to his freshman year of college.

PRO:

Seeing Bears fans talk themselves into this one... Is it football season yet???

TO Ron TO

JP Edwards?!

Trent Losman?!

Nah, they don't even play football, man...

You're kidding me, right?



Who's that?

Man, you and I know, there ain't no quarterback in the NFL named "JP".

Now, who's that dude?

Ain't no quarterbacks named "Trent"... Well, now that you mention it, he used to play for the Chiefs, right? Yeah he's the dude with all them concussions.

Dude's like 40 years old?!

Oh... other Trent. What OTHER Trent?!

Drew...

DREW!? I'm talking to you, man!

You're kidding me, right?!

These guys?

These guys are...


My Quarterbacks?!

They're my QUARTERBACKS!?!

.... It's not FAIR!

Deuce, I've Got Drew Rosenhaus on Line 1

In an effort to avoid compromising the historic cultivation of the first human child spawned using only the sperm of three mostly-Caucasian males (Romo, Witten and Garrett) in his secret underground laboratory, the Dallas Cowboys Big Dick In Charge released Terrell Owens late last night. So now, a quick-hitter analysis of who may be interested enough, masochistic enough, or just straight-up ballsy enough to give Popcorn Abs a umpteenth chance. Or, just some teams that would be really damn entertaining with TO along for the ride:

Washington Redskins: Because Daniel Snyder is Jerry Jones before he was potty-trained. Highly unlikely that they've got the cheddar to afford him, but I'm sure Snyder's balls dropped a little farther at the thought of pairing TO along side Santayana on the offense.

New England Patriots: Corey Dillon. Randy Moss. Rodney Harrison. The Patriots crave character. Plus, he might be able to help them lure Pac-Man. Also, I believe Belichick and Owens were molded by Lucifer from the same pile of dogshit-encrusted lava rock.

Oakland Raiders: Because Al Davis just had his first erection in 3 decades.

Baltimore Ravens: Spurn me once, shame on you. Spurn me twice, and Ray Lewis will invest in some throwing knives. Unless Coach Harbaugh was planning on employing the 3-Fullback system again this year.

Miami Dolphins: Bill Parcells has the nuts to pull it off, J-Peezy has the insanity to not put up with his shit and Chad Pennington has the vagina to throw him the damn ball every play!

Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Out with the old (stockpiling mediocre QB's) and in with the new (stockpiling knucklehead WR's with not an arm to throw it to them). And their new coach may potentially hate white people as much as TO. Plus, it's warm.

Arizona Cardinals: Since nothing else they do seems to make any sense. And between Warner's Bible Study groups and Leinarts Pooty Train, Owens' life would be complete.

New York Giants: TO's never shot himself in the leg, and I personally would like to see Tom Coughlin's Face create a previously-unattainable hue of red that would provide lighting for an entire block of strip joints.

New York Yankees: Hank Steinbrenner likes his leadership capabilities, and his willingness to change positions to fill a hole at 3B. Plus he'd be their cheapest player.

Minnesota Vikings: This is the one place where fans might actually be supporitve of signing TO. Only for the sheer possibility that he murders Brad Childress in cold blood on the sidelines with a kicking tee.

Cincinnati Bengals: Because Armageddon is upon us.

Patriot Removal Act of 2009

So, it looks like the Native Americans were finally able to get the upper-hand in negotiations with the white man, albeit a few centuries late. Specifics of the treaty included the Patriots ceding the rights to Mike Vrabel and Matt Cassel in return for a paltry second-round draft pick in April's draft.

Not sure if this is a parting gift to Big Chief Pioli for his near decade-long tenure with the Patriots, but one thing is for certain, Andrew Jackson just rolled over in his grave. And isn't this the same team that destroyed the Patriots 2008 season when they knee-capped Tom Brady?












And the trail of tears for Pats fans continues...