How Cute...

Two spoon-fed mama's boys, one from Silicon Valley, the other that speaks Italian, "toughing" it out and "scrappin" with one another out on the court.  

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A Haters Guide to the NBA Finals

"The world needs haters. Without them, we'd be faced with a society of people walking around consistently feeling good about themselves."

-DEUCE

Because the teams sponsored here at FSD have both been bounced from the playoffs, and in lieu of the fact that we must pick a team to support, we are choosing to say "fuck it." If we are gonna be forced (in the end) to lend our support to one of these jagmuffs, then we will not do so without a fight. And so without any additional delay, let us introduce the detestable candidates!

Cleveland Cavaliers

Why they are unworthy of your support: Because... What's that? Lebron and company are NOT in the Finals? Oh this is embarrassing. But, I thought everyone was saying that it was definitely gonna be the Cavs in the Finals against the Lakers? Oh, they're all a bunch of blowhards that actually didn't watch any Cavs games this year and just assumed they were really good? Interesting... I can tell you whom we will definitely not be supporting in the Finals... THE MEDIA

Orlando Magic:

Why they are unworthy of your support: Because Michael Pietrus is French. Because, why is Jameer Nelson good again? Because of the way that Marv Albert says "GORTAT!" Because Rafer Alston was on the AND 1 tour. Because Rashard Lewis made FSD look bad in the last series. And because Mike Brown's incompetence and lack of leadership is the only real reason that this team is in the finals right now even after being taken to game 7 by Brian "Scabbyback" Scalabrine and company.

Why they are worthy of your support: Because would you look at that fucking smile on D. Howard's face?!? Even when he is pissing and moaning about an obvious hack call against him, it just... it just brightens my day. God bless you, D. Howard

And because Dwight Howard makes Mike Wilbon look like Malcolm X, all the whities up and down the East Coast are going to flock to this team's side like a crab on a dirty vagina. Or because they hate that other guy. Yeah he plays for that other team?

Ah, yes.

Lake Show:

Why they are unworthy of your support: Because of Sasha... Who now wants to fuck your sister... Give birth to a child... Molest your new niece/nephew... And then still ask for you to be the Godfather. Or so, I'm told. Because Lamar Odom only tried in one game against the Denver Nuggets. Because where the fuck is Andrew Bynum? Because Derek Fischer made Chauncey Billups look kinda good again (he still isn't though). Because their coach is as much of a Buddhist as I am a comedian (I like to consider myself one... but what the fuck?) Because their fans are about as faithful as a busted watch. And because they made me support Kobe Bryant in the last round.

Why they are worthy of your support: Because they beat the fucking Nuggets! Now, your clean finals won't be tainted by the sheer brutality and thuggery of the Nuggets! And also because of Kobe's workman-like performance during the Conference Finals. Dude kept his mouth shut and just wore the Nug Nogs down after game 5.

And apparently I'm now gay for Kobe. Look, just because I rubbed one or two out while watching Kobe: Doin Work on the third and fourth viewing, doesn't mean anything. Just because Kobe has a penchant for anal, doesn't mean that I have my hopes up or anything... Absolutely not.

Oh god, I just looked at Gasol's face... Midnight to six in less than 3 seconds. Okay, deep breaths...

Fuck both of these teams. And for real, GO CAVS!!!

Happy hatin y'all!

The Lesser is More

Fuck the Nuggets.

Sure, I can understand the overwhelming wave of good feeling being poured forth from all corners of the basketball globe. But I feel that this is mere knee-jerk. Quick, the Lakers are playing an unknown team tonight; who do you want to win the game? My guess is that the other team garners the necessary electoral votes, even if this team happened to be the Nets (since we all know that there is nothing like about the Nets). This reeks of resistance more than it resembles support. What is being suggested is that people have, or at least should have, less of a reason to like the Nuggets than they think they do.

During the Melo era, the Nuggets have played like a team that generally doesn't give a fuck. Pardon the allusion, but their style of play fits neatly into the playground stereotype. An atmosphere was forged where style was welcomed over substance, where teamwork was disregarded, where urgency was unknown, and where defense was almost always an afterthought. Like a zoo attraction, they were a team to be gawked at for their features more than to be appreciated for their dynamic potential. Potential was what kept our attention, even when our tendency was to discount.

It is almost difficult to imagine the Nuggets prior to Melo. The severe trajectory upon which he entered into the league seemingly erased the existence of the Denver Nuggets as we previously knew them (the same with the Cavaliers prior to Lebron). The Nuggets no longer revolved around Denver, but now orbited a brighter sun. And they had no choice in the matter. Melo dictated the motion, direction, and sheer existence of this entity. The Nuggets took on the character of Carmelo Anthony. Project Mayhem was underway in Denver, and sooner or later, the team became what Melo wanted it to be.

But rather than bringing the consistent warmth that a sun promises, up until this season Melo could only provide the brilliant, albeit irregular flash of a comet. Spectacular in it's promise, but mercurial in form. This tendency led many to abandon the enormous potential that only a figure like Melo could promise, prompting one broadcaster to state that he wouldn't trade Melo "for a bag of balls." And while we should not dwell so much on the ornery remarks of the archaic (considering Melo is only 25, and in the league since he was merely young lad), it is important to note that this impatience and angst was not reserved strictly for the old-fashioned.

Up until this season, were the Nuggets ever to be taken seriously? Even during this season, their second-seeding seemed to bubble up out of nowhere. The Nuggets who had just dispatched a perennial Defensive POY in Marcus Camby, as well as one of the greatest scoring guards in NBA history, had suddenly become relevant, and even meaningful? And even if this is the case, do we simply forget about the willful lack of passion that this team displayed over the last 5 years? Have we already absolved the Nuggets like a benevolent creator who just wants to hear you say you're sorry?

The emergence of the Nuggets, and specifically Melo, as a legitimate, determined force in the NBA is not something to be lamented. But is it something to embrace right away? Can we be sure that it is for real? In the face of an ever-flattening, and even regressing Western Conference it seems that even the thinnest of creams could rise to the top. If the motives are pure and potential is truly actualized in this case, then maybe we could make a case.

However, can we truly, and positively support a team that casts characters such as K Mart, JR Smith, and the Birdman in such prominent roles? Some of these actors are loathsome by their character alone, some by their casual inconsistency. Others we seem attracted to purely for their novelty value. But when combined with the sheer basketball prowess of Melo, is this enough to override the Phil Jackson's cerebral approach to the game, Ariza's own (sneaky) potential, and Pau's crafty approach to post-play?

Granted, Kobe is indeed a loathsome character, and you won't find FSD coming to his aide very often. However, there is something undeniable about the beauty with which Kobe plays the game (when he is not sneering, or whining... which is often). He adds an element of poetry to the game which stands in stark contrast to the Nuggets jagged, Tom Robbins-like prose. Sure, I can plow through a whimsical piece of satire on a sunny afternoon, but in the dark nights I would prefer the metaphysicial weaponry of the artist, even a scowling one.

The point is, cut through the bullshit and see your support for what it is. Are you really pulling for the Nuggets or do you just not want the Lakers to win? And whichever you decide, examine the reasons for your decision. There are things to dislike about both of these teams, but consider the positives. Put them side-by-side and give them the analysis that they require. Does talent without effort wrapped in a shroud of unpredictability truly provide the better option for a championship appearance than cold-blooded execution delivered with a sneer? And if Kobe's apparent sense of entitlement is a distraction for you, then just take a look at Melo; he's been behaving the same way since he came into the league, just without the same results.

I will support the Nuggets next year, if they finally earn it.

A Haters Guide to the NBA Conference Finals

"The world needs haters. Without them, we'd be faced with a society of people walking around consistently feeling good about themselves."

-Deuce

Because the teams sponsored here at FSD have both been bounced from the playoffs, and in lieu of the fact that we must pick a team to support, we are choosing to say "fuck it." If we are gonna be forced (in the end) to lend our support to some unworthy collection of jagmuffs, then we will not do so without a fight. And so without any additional delay, let us introduce the detestable candidates!

Cleveland Cavaliers

Why they are unworthy of your support: Because for all the shit Kobe takes for emulating (read: pining to be) Jordan, Lebron wears #23 and has become the 2nd player to steal MJ's patented pre-game talc powder routine. Also, not only does Delonte West have herpes, but he also isn't really that good at basketball, but is still in serious danger of getting a championship ring. Because my roommate owns a Wally Sczerbiak jersey... From when he was on the Timberwolves. Because last year Mike Brown couldn't draw up an offensive play to beat a group of guys in Rucker park, and suddently he's the NBA Coach of the Year.

Why they are worthy of your support: Because they're apparently wicked good at basketball and Lebron James is a BEAST.

However, if you choose to support the team for these reasons, then you are simply a front-running sucker, which is exactly the reason why we want the Cavs to crash and burn. Thanks for giving us another reason to hate!

Orlando Magic:

Why they are unworthy of your support: Because Rafer Alston is a punk-ass bitch. Really dude, you look like "Red" from Friday and I'm just waiting for Deebo to step in and knock a mother fucker out (Ideally this role would have been played by Perk in the previous series, but he was too busy having his shots rejected by D. Howard). Becuase, "Hey Stan, get a goddamn shirt with a collar and look like a fucking professional, would you?" Because Rashard Lewis is Lamar Odom East. And because their fans suck.

Why they are worthy of your support: Because just look at D. Howard smile. Oh it is beautiful isn't it?

But this is probably the reason you like the guy. Not because of his post moves (which he doesn't have), but because he is just so damn affable, and non-thug-like. You're just another scrub Magic fan who finally got his Shaq back. And no, you won't be receiving an apology for this assessment.

Speaking of thug-like...

Denver Nuggets:

Why they are unworthy of your support: This one is hard. I'm kind of endeared to these bunch of maniacs, but here goes... Kenyon Martin fucked your mother... And your girlfriend... And at the same time. Because they wear WNBA jerseys. Because Dahntay Jones attended Duke. Because Birdman gave up the sweet herb and destroyed my profitable farming business as a result.

Why they are worthy of your support: Because the Nuggets winning makes Allen Iverson look really, really bad, and in turn, makes THUGS like him look really, really bad.

And if you agree with this, then you're a dick who probably doesn't like the NBA because you think it is filled with nothing but "thugs", which to you is nothing more than a synonym for "black people." Fuck off, asshole. One more word and you might just make me into a Nuggets fan.

One thing that could DEFINITELY make me a Nuggy Bear fan...

Lake Show:

Why they are unworthy of your support: Because of Sasha... Who wants to fuck your mom... And your girlfriend... At the same time. Because they play in quite possibly the worst city in America (no offense, Phoenix), unless of course you love malt liquor and doughnuts, and at any time of day. Because Phil Jackson isn't half the coach that Red was but his name will still be in the books alongside his anyway (just hopefully below Red's). And because of that huge, insecure cocksucker whom we allow to tickle our collective ballsacks whenever he chooses, only to see him turn up his nose when the slightest hint of odor enters into the picture... As if his undercarriage smells like roses.

Why they are worthy of your support: Because it's the Lakers! Arguably the best franchise in NBA history. All the great players that have donned those jerseys. All the movie stars that pack the stadium. It's glamorous!

Which is why we would never be caught dead supporting these assholes. If every other seat in the stadium wasn't filled with some celebrity's personal assistant, then maybe the Staples Center would be a cool place to play. But probably not, and the court would still be filled with a bunch mediocrites and their temperamental (read: douchey) leader.

Enjoy the games y'all. Happy hating!

Psychoanalytic Musings from Dr. b. Lee

On Respect; Comparing apples to apples, pt. 2

Some may charge that I'm kidding myself in comparing TO and KB. KB doesn't have the same problems with teammates as TO. But, did we forget about the whole Shaq debacle? Did you forget about what he said leading up to the 2007-8 season regarding his teammates and the team's owner? Does Kobe not "act out" on the court?

I would charge that the only difference between the two is their access to the limelight. KB gets the ball whenever he wants. Therefore, he doesn't need to whine about it… Because he would. TO on the other hand is subject to play-calling, route-running, the safety blitz, and the Cowboys shitty offensive line. These are constraints that KB does not know. If KB were only allowed to touch the ball on every 4th possession, how do you think he would respond? One can suspect that if this were the case, KB would be mailing it in a lot more often (than he already does).

But the substantive similarity is undeniable. These men are two of the best performers in their respective sports. However, they behave as if they were two up-and-comers that needed to separate themselves from the pack. Histrionics and masturbatory celebrations are not fun, they don’t add any additional entertainment value to the game, they certainly aren’t boosting any profiles, and don't you dare call them clever. They’re a cry for help from those who are emotionally underdeveloped and insatiably egocentric. These accessories to a player's “repertoire” only serve to detract from their legacy and from their standing in the eyes of the average fan.

So Kobe and Terrell I say unto you, keep it quiet, keep it cool, and just fucking relax. Then you'll realize and keep the respect. Even if you still don't think you're getting enough of it.

Psychoanalytic Musings with Dr. b. Lee

On respect; comparing apples to apples, pt. 1

There's a phenomenon that occurs to people who are highly visible to the public eye. Some cannot properly "handle" such a life, either due to our own perceptions (they're merely fuck ups, but we blame their being fuck ups on the fact that they're wealthy and famous) or just because the pressure is too great and they fold under it (like a star basketball player that can score 30 points a game, but misses the last two free throws which would clinch the game).

However, there are some highly recognizable figures, let's call them "athletes", that never seem to settle into their role properly. They never appear to be secure, there are frequent "issues" that emerge and seem to follow them wherever they go. The perfect example of this phenomenon is Terrell Owens. Terrell Owens is an extraordinary football player. Over the course of his 13 seasons in the NFL, he is averaging over 1,000 yards receiving per season, 10 touchdowns per season, and 14 new, irreconcilable relationships per season. Even at the ripe old age of 35 the man is still producing, and at the moment, due to his physical conditioning, he is showing no signs of slowing down. He essentially has the body of a 25 year old man, with the maturity of a 15 year old boy.

TO has arguably been the best wide receiver in football over the last decade. Everyone seems to know how great he is (as much as we hate to admit it). Even TO seems to know how great he is, which is why one would think he is always clamoring on the sidelines when he is not getting the ball thrown his way (I’m good! Fucking use it!). However, the only thing that TO doesn't seem to know, is that everyone already knows he is a great receiver. He appears to be so uncomfortable with his standing in the pantheon of wide receivers, that he feels the need to supplement his game, and the perception thereof, with his mouth. He catches a touchdown pass, which we may have even marveled at, and then performs some kind of "celebration" as if to say, "Look at me, I caught a touchdown pass!" Yes, honey, we all saw it, you did a great job. Now get off the field.

Everyone knows who TO is. Everyone knows how good he is.

So why does he always feel the need to act out? Does being an elite wide receiver in the NFL not get him the attention that he feels he deserves? If he didn't perform touchdown celebrations, or if he didn't call out his teammates and his coaches on the sideline or at press conferences, would he be considered a lesser player as a result? In reality, it seems the opposite is true. If he kept his mouth shut, if he left the clown nose in his locker, then I get the feeling the public would have even greater respect for him and appreciate his performance even more.

Another example of this phenomenon, although in what some might call a less "extreme" version, is Kobe Bryant. Kobe Bryant is arguably the best basketball player in the NBA at the moment, and could very easily be considered one of the 10 best players of all-time at the end of his career. KB (for the purpose of consistency) after winning 3 titles early in his career has seemingly struggled to step out of Shaq's enormous shadow simply because he has not won a title in LA's post-Shaq era.

Or has he? Was KB ever truly consumed by Shaq's shadow? Or was this just the machinations of the (“liberal fucking”) media? Or even worse, was this all made up in KB's head?

Today Shaq is merely a personality. More to be gawked at in public, than concerned about on the court (non-sense All-Star selection aside). KB is the show, even if he sometimes shares the stage with Lebron (LJ... shoot, LBJ?). He is a brilliant basketball player that can alter games all by himself. KB ultimately decides if the game is won or lost.

Everyone knows that KB has this ability. Everyone knows how good he is.

So after making a big shot why does he give us the "Elephant" dance? After a win, why does he pop his shirt at the opposing fans? Yes, sweetie, we know you can make big shots and that you play for the Lakers. Now get off the floor before you are assaulted by the recently bankrupt gentleman in Row G.

Wouldn't we be more impressed if after making a game-changing shot, if KB just jogged down the floor, straight-faced and cool? Or if after a win in hostile territory, he simply strolled off the floor with a deep calm in his eyes? I don’t know, maybe as if just to say, “I know. Now you do, too.“