Insignificant Monster Dunk Better than Brilliant Game Clinching Goal

Apparently.

Oh, hello there!  You must be looking for something to read, right?  What?  My absence and lack of other-consciousness was not sufficient for you.  I do apologize, but things got a little real over the weekend and I just had to keep my head down and hands up until it passed. It hasn't yet passed, but I'm a professional, not some mid-level band stuck at an airport in Glasgow waiting for the ash to pass.

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Better Know a Contender. PERIOD

Back in the 1990's, Chicago was the center of the basketball universe. Actually, it wasn't just the center of the basketball universe, for it was the center of the sports universe. Michael Jordan was the biggest star in that universe, so when he left the game, he also killed it. Fans placed their basketball hopes on the likes of Allen Iverson, understandably, but also unjustly. But Michael didn't just kill basketball. He also killed hockey. Namely, hockey in Chicago.

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Better Know a Contender. PERIOD

The right to own a gun is largely framed in terms of self-defense measures.  I have a right to protect my family and so I should be allowed to have a gun in my possession.  Sounds fair enough.  But what it leaves out is that guns are not defensive weapons.  An alarm system is a defensive weapon.  Guns were created to kill.  Not to kill intruders with, but to intrude with.  Take what is needed, and be on your way.  A store clerk can have a gun behind the counter, but if the bandit has a gun in his face already, then that gun is staying where it's been all along and the money in the register is going out the door.  Even if the bandit's gun is not loaded or is even a fake, fear is induced and the first step toward victory is achieved.

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Better Know a Contender. PERIOD

The shark is the most efficient and feared predator in the sea.  It doesn't back down, it never passes up a meal, and it will bite you in the ass if the given the opportunity. Sharks have rows of razor sharp that are not only good killing prey, but also good for processing and digesting that prey... In other words, sharks don't choke.

At least in the regular season they don't.

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En Route: Frozin'

Hockey, for better or worse, is still better than your favorite sport, even when it's in collegiate form.  Indeed, it's the sub zero answer to CBS' corporate-sponsored gaggle of non-stop commercials with a little men's basketball mixed in this weekend at Ford Field in Detroit. 

But first... Some respect:

• If you look us, then you'll like this... (Free Darko)
• A list of (formerly, now probably) one-armed men... (Big League Stew)
• Think Tiger's commercial is horrifying (and/or pathetic)?  Try some funny then... (Deadspin)
• And for more information then I'm about to provide below... (Hockey World Blog)

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These Eyes Can See

Panthers 3.
Devils 2.

That is, the 13th place Florida Panthers against the (for now) 2nd place New Jersey Devils.

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See What I Mean?

You know, just so you don't think I'm bullshitting



As the Italians say, assassino. The Sedins play like that, and they got themselves a chance. Of course, they did lose the game in the shootout.

Better Know a Contender. PERIOD

Stop for a second.

Think about the baseball team down in Tampa.  Remember their old name? Now think about the hockey team in New Jersey.  Florida: the only state in the union worse than New Jersey.  Nice work, team.

New Jersey has always been the team that the Boston Bruins wanted to be;  stifling defense, bad reputation, and most importantly, victorious.  Oh, and they also got Kovalchuk.  Thanks for adding insult to injury, jerk stores.

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Better Know a Contender. PERIOD

The goal there was to get the Sedin brothers' faces atop the lovely ladies' faces, but my photoshop skills have diminished beneath a cascading pile of stress triggered by the inevitably of aging.

In just about every one of these vignettes, we have spoken about the team's inability to put the puck in the net. And that is what ultimately separates the next 6 teams from the rest: scoring. When other teams are content to take shots hoping they go in, the big 6 rip shots knowing that they will go in (unless of course we're dealing with the Devils, but even they have seen improvement since Kovie came to town).

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Better Know a Contender?

What do you get when a team models their mascot after a grade school computer game?

Why you get the Buffalo Sabres, of course!  America's team!  And aren't they cute?  You have to love any team whose two greatest moments occurred 40 years ago, and not even during an NHL-sponsored event, respectively... And both were losing efforts!  But we are talking Buffalo here, kiddies, where losing is an institution.  But not just losing, losing as painfully and as often as possible.

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Why Hockey ISN'T Better than your Favorite Sport

Because unlike Roger Goodell, David Stern, and yes, even Bud Selig, these assholes don't have a clue what they're doing.

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Better Know a Contender?

In an economy where nothing seems to be stable, there are certain enduring institutions that we all rely upon that comfort us in times of crises.  Whether it is cheap cheeseburgers at Wendy's, dollar drafts at the local pub, bigotry toward homosexuals, and scalped playoff tickets in Hockeytown, USA, these fixtures keep our minds focused and at ease as we all, in a way, psychologically stake our own fortunes to their continued presence. 

When these institutions dissolve, well, you get Detroit as the result.

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Better Know a Contender?

Often times when you are a young person, nuance often goes unnoticed.  For it is the subtle characteristics that truly separate the good from the wow.  An understated flinch by an actor, a defensive "glue-guy" coming off the bench in the 4th quarter, a drum beat that achieves the extraordinary but by doing nothing out of the ordinary. It all adds up.

And then you have In Living Color, the over-the-top antecedent to Mad TV, which somehow had a way of making Chris Farley's Chippendale's audition look reserved.  I mean, take a look at the picture: 5 of the 6 faces look retarded to some degree.  The 6th?  Artistically autistic... (But is there any other way?).  There's no measure, there's nothing hidden, it is just all out there, and well, it worked less often than you probably remember.

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HEADLINES. . . !

Allen Iverson can no longer be bothered with games, in addition to practice...


Canadian women's hockey team looking for nice, classy evening on the town...


NBC's 'Parenthood' an original, refreshing comedy about a 'Modern Family'...


Oakland Raiders terribly confused about the source of their misfortunes...


Russia blames refs for uncontroversial loss to Canada in hockey...


John Wall would like to give early 'Thank You' to person that took his SATs...


Olympics an exciting opportunity for nations to share, compare exotic strains of herpes, other STDs...


Curling somehow drawing worse ratings than regularly scheduled CNBC programming...


Tim Tebow also just learning how to read...


Mancuso is Hotter...

Gold Medal Round: Canada vs. Russia

The Dream Game is finally upon us, folks and not a moment too soon.  The two hands down, best teams on the international circuit will clash this evening for the Gold medal and it should be...

What's that?  We're not in the medal round yet?  Are you sure?  Well, what round are we in?  THE QUARTERFINALS?!?

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Something New Every Day

Turns out that Tim Tebow is currently working with a few ex-NFL coaches in order to fine-tune his throwing mechanics and also learn how to come out of a 3 to 5 step drop.  Some may charge that this is pretty late in the game for such schooling.  Others that this is simply a reactionary move by the Tebow camp to silence critics in advance of the NFL Draft.  But either way, this isn't the first time we have seen such maneuvers, and we even have a few recent examples that will suggest that Tebow isn't the only one heading into The Show with a few inadequacies.

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Why Olympic Hockey is Better than Your Favorite Sport

Because two dream teams are better than one.

Let's just take a look at the rosters, shall we?

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Better Know a Contender?

We all make mistakes.  Some of us make nothing but.  Somtimes mistakes are permanent.

Oops, I killed mommy!  

Others are minor and barely noteworthy.

You fucked your cousin?!

Some are serious, but ultimately correctible.

You bought a blue denim jacket?   Return that shit, you asshole.

Introducing the NHL's blue denim jacket from Columbus.

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Friday Bonebag

/Friday Shitbag

Bonebag:

There's been a goalie controversy brewing up in Royal Mountain, Quebec, but Jaroslave Halak all but ended that debate last night in the Bean.  Posting 45 regular/OT saves in addition to 3 shootout saves, Halak put an exclamation mark on his claim to the prime position in the Habs' goalie stable.  Oh, and he also contributed the Bruins' worst losing streak in recent memory.  From the 5:25 mark of the second period on, Halak attended to just under 40 minutes of shutout goaltending, also ensuring cheap tickets for Bruins fans for the rest of the season.

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The Reds Invade the Jersey Shore

Hey Pauly man, I don't know about this new guy... Looks like a stinking commie rat to me.


I hear that, Vinny.  I mean I love the Red Devils as like a team, you know, but I don't know about bringin' in any actual red devils.


I think he's cute.


Shutup, Snooki, you filthy howuh!

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