It Is Growing...

The list of idiots in Major League Baseball (that just so happen to be African American), that is.

Go on...

Undercover Lover

As in, there is "undercover" and then there is "Which way is up?"

Long before this little experiment was ever even considered, I had always had issues as a fan.  Mainly with other fans.  After being inspired as a young lad by experiences with Hockey East rivalries, squaring off in tiny arenas, too cold to sit in, and too noisy to remain quiet within, I had always hoped for the best out of a crowd.  After all, we're here to spectate and enjoy the presentation of entertainment, not to chit chat resting on our cellulite sofas.  I mean, we're supposed to be a part of the action, right?  We can impact the game, right?  At the very least, we can enhance the experience, no?  We're already somewhat invested, so why not go all the way, losing yourself in a symbiotic event?

They lose.  You lose.  They're still on the field.  You're still at the park.

Go on...

A Social Experiment

Ah, free hugs.  One of the new aged, hippie-revivalist practices of the Los Angeles strip, begging the questions, would you hug a stranger just for the fuck of it, or are you just a cheap bastard that takes anything they can get for free? 

Go on...

Regularly Scheduled Programming

Presenting a list of games that ESPN feels are more important than the Kansas (#2) - Kansas State (#5) matchup that will surely produce at least one number 1-seed in the NCAA tournament (presented in order of ridiculousness):

Go on...

Hi, I'm Bode Miller

These days, I keep my arms in the air like this now that I am a GOLD medalist.  It's pretty awesome and sure, they get a little tired, but the work doesn't stop when you get to the top of the mountain.  A lot of you probably know nothing about that.

Go on...

A Note from the Editorer

As you may, or may not have, noticed, this site has seemingly been speaking with one voice lately. And well, there is good reason for that, for if you have been asking yourselves, "Where on planet fuck has Deuce been?" then I can understand your curiosity. Well, today marks the 3 month anniversary since Deuce's last honest contribution to Five Second Delay. Sure, he has played the role of Sheetmaster for a few weeks since then, but that is more of an honor more than any kind of labor.

Questions may follow: Is Deuce unhappy with the direction that FSD is heading?  Has there been a falling out between Deuce and b. Lee?  Has Deuce finally just given in and moved to San Francisco with his long-time, albeit secret boyfriend, shunning the sports-world and all of its remnants in the process?  Truthfully, and sadly with respect to the latter, we must respond in the negative to all three queries. 

The truth is Deuce is simply a lazy and relatively uninspired earthling rivaling only Oscar the Grouch and Jaba the Hut in terms of contribution and mobility.  And while we, well, I here at FSD would love some help in lifting this crass institution up from the throes of obscurity and into the brilliant light of passive acknowledgment, no amount of effort on my part has been successful with respect to inspiring any notion of responsibility or excitement regarding this blog's prospects in the eyes of one Deucey Loo.

So, I am now calling on you all... Faithful commenters... To make your own appeal to your second favorite blogger that happens to write for this very site.

So please, if you would, whether it be from the depths of the emotional, practical, or absurd, call to him, and bring him back... To me, to us, and someday, to the world.

Thank you.

Your Editorer...er,

b. Lee

Caps Lose!

But are still undefeated?

I know that everyone on Campus picked the Capitals to win the Cup this year, but rigging regular season records?  That's just going overboard.

What Not to Wear, pt. 2

Or more Specifically, what not to do at your local purveyor of sports entertainment.

Entering your local sports bar on a Sunday morning is a tenuous affair.  Particularly if you are not from the area.  Whether or not you will actually be able to view your game depends on a number of circumstances.  But regardless of whether or not you actually get to watch your specific game or not, there are a few obvious actions that you need to avoid before entering the bar.

1.  In reference to the previous post, the same fashion laws still apply before heading to the bar.  Do not double up, the shirt needs to be up-to-date, no pink, etc.  Sure, when in hostile territory, you want to raise your flag, sporting your team colors, as if you were Derek Vinyard on your first day at county.  But honestly, don't you think the fact that you are sitting in front of a television that is airing the Ravens game lets everyone else in the bar aware of the fact that you are either A) a Ravens' fan or B) a fan of the Ravens' opponent?  And just what is the point of wearing a replica jersey at the bar anyway?  I understand that Halloween occurs within the season, but this isn't an excuse to celebrate it every weekend.

Here's a few a buffalo wings, little Jimmy.  Now get the fuck off my porch.

Go on...

Forgive Me, Boston Area Bar Managers,

But the people who want to watch the Patriots and Red Sox games, can go the fuck home and watch them there. Your owner purchased the NFL Sunday ticket, in addition to a dozen HD televisions in order to enhance your marketability as a purveyor of food, spirits, and entertainment. If you made your money strictly off of local sports fans exclusively, then there would be no need to have the NFL Sunday ticket at all. For what would be the point? The Sox are always on television, and the Patriots are never blacked out (but give it a few years, will you?), so you could just go with regular cable.

I setup shop yesterday at the best seat in the house. I have good vision of four televisions, and a 5th that always broadcasts the Game Mix. My expectations were as follows:

TV 1: Eagles-Saints
TV 2: Titans-Texans
TV 3: Falcons-Panthers
TV 4: Pats-Jets

Instead, it went down like this:

TV 1: Falcons-Panthers
TV 2: Red Sox-Orioles
TV 3: Pats-Jets
TV 4: Pats-Jets

Fortunately for me, the douchey BC graduate needed to go home and wash his Super Fan t-shirt, so I got TV1 changed over to the Philly-Saints blowout. And although I did get to watch to Daisuke-san continue his path back to greatness, I still would have accepted some clownshoe Kansas City fan forcing me to watch the biggest battle of ineptitude since Bill Pullman met Bill Paxton in Brain Dead.

Sundays are celebrated (forgive me, Jesus) because of football. FOOTBALL! Even if a region is colored by a particular allegiance to a specific team, this does not erase the singular truth that SuUNDAYS are for FOOTBALL. In the Fall, Sundays are not for regular season baseball games nor are they for Patriots games; they are for FOOTBALL games. Namely, the really fucking good football games. Now, the Patriots may be taking part in a really good fucking football game as was the case yesterday. But at this holy altar, the Patriots represent merely an integral relic that shares equal placement with the 15 others upon that mantle.

So get on your knees Boston area bar managers, and pray for forgiveness, for the football gods are always watching, and if there's anything that they like less than Sunday baseball, it's blind favoritism.

Oh, and while you're down there?

Berthiaume-Fail

On Baseball Tonight, this past Saturday evening, Steve Berthiaume, in response to the news that Daisuke Matsuzaka would be returning to the Red Sox rotation, declared that "Daisuke STINKS!"

"He stinks," he even repeated.

"The minor league numbers just aren't there," he elaborated.

"Probably allowed 5 ER and 17 walks," he overstated.

And then Daisuke took the mound on that fateful Tuesday evening and shutdown the Red Sox' eventual playoff opponent in the 2009 AL Divisional Series. Official line from last night's game:

6 IP
0 ER
3 Hits
3 BB
5 K

Pretty stinky, eh Stevie?

And of course, it's only one start. He could always revert to, oh say, last year's numbers:

5 2/3 IP
2 ER
4.5 Hits
3 BB
5 k

To be fair, this would actually be a step back for Daisuke-san, so maybe you are onto something, Steve-o. Or maybe you should just keep a lid on it. Not to step on ESPN-Fail's toesies or anything, but this little outburst seemed not only unwarranted, but downright erratic and maybe a little personal, as well (What's the matter, Bert? Guy owe you money, or something?). Of course this, what shall we call it, poor choice of words was sputtered at the end of the show, during valuable, awkward "ad lib" time, and it was late on a Saturday night in the presence of the "All-Star" crew. That being said, do better next time, Stevesie. Otherwise, I know a few Yakuza who don't believe that a blog post is a sufficient enough rebuke for such flagrant disrespect.

Ja-ne for now.

What Not to Wear

If you perused the Lolla Blog at all, then you may have have noticed that we tend to pay a little too much attention to what other people are wearing, when we should probably be focusing on, well, the purpose of the event itself. However, like good sons of the ADHD Generation, our attention is easily drawn toward what some may call, the lesser details.

We couldn't disagree more.

So before you make your decision to head out the door to the ballpark, stadium, arena, or court; let's talk about some common mistakes that people make either out of ignorance or insanity.

Go on...

Mother Fuckers

If you see a grammatical error would you please let me fucking know? I'd really prefer it if I knew these things in advance, rather than coming home from a night of drinking and smoking, then going over the blog, and noticing some egregious errors in a week-old post. You know what that does to my psyche? I mean shit, look at my job title in the upper right corner of the screen! Does it look like I am capable of both posting and proof-reading?

Some day there are going to be more than 4 of you reading this here blog, and if we're if going to, I don't know, double our readership, then we've got to do it together. So please, help your dear editorer out and do his work for him.

Thanks in advance... Pussies

Zen and the Art of Jumping the Sinking Ship

What happens when a man is faced with a season deferred? Does he walk away from the game, journeying into the desert to contemplate what went wrong and how to address the future, if there is indeed a future? Does he just drift into the background, experiencing the remainder of competition from the shadows? His allegiance stored away like a widow's wedding ring worn even beyond the death of one's betrothed. Or does he offer his loyalties elsewhere? Like a royal subject witnessing his majesty's demise at the hands of a new conqueror who is now demanding service, or offering death?

Some people are polistic; loving their city and all it's teams no matter what (fluctuating based on their success, of course), storing revulsion and contempt for all teams from other competing cities. Some of us are wanderers, we may like a baseball team from one region and a football team from a completely different region (typically occurring with people from Connecticut who love the Yankees as well as the Cowboys). Other special types, do not seem to have a horse until the very end. They sit back and enjoy the game for what it is, withholding preference until the final hour, when passions bubble over and a normative judgment is seemingly thrust upon their previously open consciousness. And of course, depending on your disposition, this will determine how you respond if/when your horse is excused from competition.

But are there rules for such "ship-jumping"? Not laws so much, but moral edicts that tell us how to behave whilst our sporting souls wander aimlessly in the ether searching for a temporary home to sublet after the delicate abode which they previously occupied, was washed away in a flood of humiliating defeat. First off, is ship-jumping authorized? Either by the community's own standards (real or imagined), or by our own allowances? Can we allow ourselves to begin supporting a different team that is still alive, in the lieu of our central devotion to our home team? Worse still; what will the neighbors say?

Are you required to lend your support to the team that beats you? The reasoning here would state that, "Since they beat us, if they win out, then it makes us look good, because then we lost to the champs." But this would hold that you are somehow not angered by the team that beat you. Consider the New England Patriots. In 2007, the beat just about everyone, but I really doubt that any of their opponents or their fan bases along the way were pulling for them at any point.

Another route would be the divisional opponent. That any team from your division should be rewarded with your support. This argument seems a little more thin, primarily because your biggest rivals tend to reside in your own team's division. Therefore, how could a Cardinals fan really be called on to support the Cubbies in another disaster-waiting-to-happen trip to the postseason? Just unlikely is all, unless Cardinals are really as soft as I believe them to be.

Or are we inspired by more negative forces? Rather than throwing our support behind a team, do we choose instead to throw out support against a team? In this case, we do not necessarily choose a horse to ride, but we choose a gun with which to shoot a specific horse, and then snort the gelatinous by-product during the victory celebration. In some instances, we may actually even throw our support behind "the best possible chance." We look at a team and think, "This team can beat the Red Wings, so they are on now my team" (until they of course lose to the Red Wings). However, can we really call this option support? If anything, it is more of an anti-support mechanism, and as such, seems even more disposable, and in turn, disingenuous. So, if our "new" team loses in the semi-finals, do we simply lend our support to the new opponent of our enemy (eg. I only support two teams; the Red Sox and whoever is playing the Yankees)?

The most sustainable, albeit least likely option, is to simply lend your support behind the remaining team that you like the most. Now, it should be clear at this point that your speaker is a Boston fan, but that doesn't mean that he still does not favor certain teams over others outside of his own hometown affiliation. Some will disagree with this entirely, maintaining that you should have one team (for a given sport) and one team only. Typically the reasons provided are pride-based, or are wrapped in speculations of "fair-weather fandom." But, I personally never had a problem with lending sub-support to teams even prior to the playoffs. Especially if the team is determined to be support-worthy (by your own rigid criteria, of course), and is not simply some front-running juggernaut who is in no need of additional support, and only serves to satisfy some deep-seated ego disorder for the fan in question.

So, if we can accept the idea of having a "second" team during the regular season, or even a "fail-safe" squad in the postseason, then we must conclude that having a specific interest, or even an absolute interest in the playoffs, rests on having a specific team upon which to focus your attention and passions. Or, is it even possible to be actually vested in the outcome without a specific team to pull for? And if we really wanted to pull this string some more, is it possible to watch any event without picking a personal favorite? I don't think so, but the floor is open for debate.

Therefore, I'm thinking that we need some rules:

Upon what criteria are we allowed to seek out a new team, once our own beloved team has been dispatched?

I'm calling for suggestions, and hopefully we can compile a list for publication later on. Give it here...

Psychoanalytic Musings with Dr. b. Lee

On Confidence and the Cool; Pierce vs. Pacquiao

On Saturday night two victors walked off the stage and into their respective locker rooms. One with a scowl and the other with a smile. Performers have different ways of "getting up" for competition. They also have different dispositions during competition. Some people are all business; "doing their job" without even noticing the crowd and letting the ball, their fists, or their all-around play do the talking. Others use the crowd as a sort of weapon, wielding it against their opponent, while verbal jabs are hurled at opponents on and off the field of play.

Why is that athletes behave in either fashion? Some maintain a more reserved appearance while others visibly react to everything and seemingly need to add something extra to the game, whether it is in the form of talking trash or general theatrics. And is one approach better than the other? Is one more detrimental to the health of an individual competition or to the game at large? And is one approach more beneficial than the other, or in other words, is one approach "more fun"?

Prior to taking the ring in last Saturday's fight against Ricky Hatton, the cameras closed in on Manny Pacquio before he made his entrance. Typically a fighter will have a stern look of determination on their face prior to a bout, feeling the need to stay focused. However, when we see Pacquiao, he is grinning from ear to ear. It's as if he were about to take part in a parade rather than a boxing match. He was perfectly calm, serene even, yet ready, and apparently, absolutely confident.

Basketball players also seem to oscillate between these two extremes. Sometimes during the pre-game shoot around you see players stone-faced, getting mentally prepared for the game. Other times you can see players clowning around as if it were just another shoot around before practice, perhaps trying to work out the butterflies. But, rarely will you see the kind of "just happy to be here" look that we witnessed on the face on Pacquiao prior to the fight.

Normally, an argument would be, "Well, Sport A does not require the same kind of intensity and mental strength as a basketball game." But, in this case we're talking about boxing. If any sport required intensity, mental strength, and execution, boxing would most likely be at the extreme. However, Pacquiao seemed to rise above this. During the Pacquiao vs. Hatton 24/7 series, the majority of the barbs were slung from the Hatton camp. However, Pacquiao's side remained calm and relatively silent in the face of this assault. What is more, is that this onslaught did not seem to fire up Manny at all. There was no "bulletin board" material for Pacquiao, perhaps because he didn't want it. But probably because he didn't need it.

Maybe Pacquiao is just a transcendent figure, so wrapped up in his faith and his preparation that the outside world and his opponent do not even seem to exist prior to fight night. He doesn't need fodder or any extra motivation. He just needs to get himself ready.

Does such a figure exist in basketball? Or is basketball simply a different animal. Trash seems to be a part of basketball. You always need to get an edge on an opponent, one way or another, and mind games are a part of that. But, I do not think this plays as big of a role as some would like to believe. More often than not, the trash, or the histrionics appear to be more aimed at drawing positive attention to the actor, rather than negative attention to the actor's opponent. This hearkens back to a previous piece on the dispositions and tendencies of Kobe and TO.

Recall game 6 of the Bulls-Celtics series; Pierce starts to get warm in the 4th quarter; hitting back-to-back shots and putting the Celts up by 8 with under 4 minutes to go. As soon as he hits the latter of these shots, he turns to the Bulls bench and barks at them. Now, what competitive advantage is gained by such a tactic? Clearly not much, considering the fact that Chicago ended up winning the game. And more globally, how did this improve the game at all? Did it add more excitement to the game, or more "fun"?
Or was there a negative effect? Did Pierce lose concentration? By focusing on the yapdogs on Chicago's bench, did Pierce take his mind off the game, in turn helping Chicago recover and force the game into overtime? Of course, there is no way of knowing this, but it is difficult to see any benefit in jawing with people who are not even in the game to begin with. Sometimes of course a player needs fuel to get going. Someone from the crowd says something, maybe someone on the other team says something, and like a switch, the player starts performing. But again, this would also seem to argue against this whole concept of talking trash, for the opponent was aided by such a tactic.

Instead, maybe if Pierce kept his focus on the court, against his actual opponents, then maybe he bottles that fire, plays defense a little harder, and the Celts finish the series in 6, as opposed to 7 games. Or maybe, Pierce requires this release, either for his own personal need for attention, or perhaps because without this release he ends up committing a hard foul.

Or, perhaps basketball simply attracts this disposition; ostentatious athletes with a knack for theatrics in addition to making big shots. Basketball today is simply an outgrowth of its players, rather than an independent framework within which the players are forced to work. Talking trash isn't necessarily a part of the game (although Larry Bird and Michael Jordan were doing it in the 80's), but it has become one due to the nature of the games' actors. But this theory would seem too cookie-cutter, and would not take into account silent assassins such as the JZA.

Considering the history of boxing, the history of the pomp and circumstance, and the seeming necessity for boxers, their trainers, and promoters to talk and talk all the way up to fight night, Manny Pacquiao is surely an aberration. But, this cannot be considered a bad thing. If trash talk and promotions were all that mattered, then why would the fight even take place? People do not pay $50 to hear Don King speak, they do so to watch the fight.

The point is that in order to enjoy an event, trash talk and/or grandiose displays of selfishness are not necessary to the overall enjoyment level of the game. Sure, if Josh Smith threw down that between the legs dunk against the Heat, it would have been cool. Maybe the Heat even would have stepped up and not been so awful in game 7. There is no way of knowing. But one thing is for sure, no matter how much you talk, or dance, or scowl, it all comes down to execution, and execution stands on it's own. I'd rather watch Pacquiao smile his way in and out of the ring any day of the week, rather than watch a loser dance and jaw his way into the loss column.

Snubbed Once Again

So for the first year in-a-row, the eternally spiteful and snobbish Pulitzer Board of Bozo's have audaciously, foolishly, and no doubt, soon to be repeatedly refused to honor FSD with the prize(s) that it so rightfully deserves! FSD has clearly carried the torch of responsible and significant journalism for months (months!) up until this point, and we demand recognition for our toils.

For example, was our muckraking piece on fraud in the mainstream media, not to up to Pulitzer's Investigative Reporting standards?

Or, has our educational series on professional hockey not lived up to the lofty Public Service expectations of the Board?

And I just refuse to believe that our attention-grabbing Braking News segments have not lived up to the... Breaking News (Wait, is that how it's spelled?) Reporting criteria laid out by the commission.

I wonder why it is even referred to as a competition if the winners are pre-ordained according to the Board's own elitist standards. I mean, what does the New York Times have that I don't have aside from an army of editors fact-checking and proofreading away? If you said, "a sense of humor", well then we've just reached the tip of the iceberg.

Do not think you have heard the last from me Monsieur Pulitzer. I will be sitting at your front door, knocking when you're getting ready to go to sleep, and snoozing on your front steps when you are heading off to work in the morning. The masses will be heard! There are dozens of us!

DOZENS!

Bullshit!

So, last night I am sitting there waiting for the Blackhawks and Flames to take the ice for Overtime. Suddenly Bill Patrick appears on the screen and says, well... just have a look at the tape:



"Build a model airplane," says the fairy. Well, I'm not buying it.

Now, you've obviously heard of a 5 second delay (ahem), but I'm calling Versus out for clearly using a 30 second delay. Why on earth would Bill Patrick point out Martin Havlat like that? Is the mother fucker divinely inspired? Is he an oracle sent to us direct from the Isle of Lesbos?

Here's what happened. Versus screwed up, let the commercials go for too long, came back, and had to sort it out. Bill Patrick already knew what had happened, and decided to sell us on some soothsaying. For shame. As soon as the puck hit the ice, one could just feel the impending... And then it happened, before you could even put a name to the feeling.

Own up to it, Bill Patrick! Own up to the buuullshit!

Buck's Buckin...

That's a shot of my man Smooth B, looking well, not so smooth. But if I had to play against Trevor Ariza and the Shit Show, well I'd probably lose my cool, too. "Fights" like this seem to break out every so often. Rarely are punches thrown, but most of the time, we are thankful for that (remember those "punches" Shaq threw at Brad Miller several years back?).

Most of the time dudes just like to jaw at one another during these little get-togethers. One has to wonder why this is? Is it because they are simply clear-headed, knowing that if they do throw a punch, they could be suspended for a significant period of time, in turn hurting their squad? Or, is it because they really just do not want to fight? Even in hockey the dudes that are clearly not fighters, are still forced into it, and sometimes, with hilarious results. So, since I've turned this sight into a haven for hockey dorks, and since I am actually just curious, would basketball benefit at all from allowing fights to occur on the court? Two men, no outside interference, bench players still have to remain on the bench, and as soon as someone goes down, then the fight is over.

Now, obviously this has the potential to be greatly exploited. Enforcers being brought into the NBA to take out the opposing team's superstars while airborne, etc. But, was not this the purpose of Charles Oakley on the Bulls? To look after Jordan just in case anything hit the fan? Now, I understand the notion is by and large ridiculous, BUT, if such fights were allowed, then couldn't we see a drop in these hard fouls? For example, would Ariza perhaps have thought twice about the foul, if he knew a former gold glove boxer were on Portland's bench?

Look, I just think it would be a lot more interesting than 10 dudes all gathered around each other just squawking at one another, pretending to be hard, when we all know the game. Make yourself look tough, because on the hardcourt, you will never have to actually prove it.

http://sports.espn.go.com/nba/recap?gameId=290309022

I See Ball People...

So, there's something to be said for the start of spring training. There's something to be said for the hope it inspires; warm weather is on the way, cook outs, something to watch on television EVERY night that isn't on Cinemax after 11pm, and of course, fantasy baseball.

What is not to be said about spring training, is that baseball is back. Baseball is not back. Yes, people are playing catch, swinging bats, and adjusting their wedding tackle, but this is like me sticking feathers up my butt, and then clucking like a chicken...

Quick name the most exciting thing from Spring Training last year... If you said the melee between the Yankees and the G Rays, then you would be correct? So, if Spring Training really were a good indicator of things to come, then these two teams should have been at each other's throats throughout the season, right? Oh, but wasn't it the Red Sox that were brawling with the G Rays come mid-season?

My point is that the only thing "important" about Spring Training last season was the people that got injured (Boof Bonser is already down! Just give up now, Twins!) and the people that fought. Last year, Lastings Milledge had a HUGE spring. Then he went on to bat .268 in the regular season. So, how good someone performs in Spring Training does not really mean anything (except that maybe you draft them in the 9th round of your fantasy draft instead of Xavier Nady, only to drop them 5 weeks later... When Xavier Nady has already been gobbled up).

Really what I am getting at here is that the next time I am at a bar and some baseball "fan" refuses to change the station from the Red Sox-Twins split squad showdown live from Ft. Alzheimer's, to college basketball, I reserve the right not only to smash his face, but also the right to smash the brand new LCD television that is airing said snoozefest (If you are not going to use it right, then you shouldn't be using it at all). Dude, you're not missing anything. Oh and there will be 162 other games this season that you can feast upon all while trying to figure out the philosophical virtues of "small ball." This will also be the same guy who refuses to watch pre-season football because it's... "boring." You're right, I don't see a contradiction either.

No matter the the competition, if a game or match is being broadcasted and the result actually matters, then you should always take that over the alternative. This is the point of sport. It's not to have fun, it's to have a result. I sure as shit didn't hang onto my Pre-SAT scores, just like I sure as shit am not going to harp on Ian Kinsler's .250 pre-season batting average. Because it doesn't mean anything and your ability to enjoy the arbitrary ends when fate is at stake and we happen to be sharing a bar top. Good day!

Would the Kind, Ignorant Gentleman Please be so Kind as to Sit Down and Never Talk Again?

Okay, one more non-sports-related blog before we try and get back into it. Oh, and if you're wondering; there really are other writers on this site... They're just lazy and mentally unstable. I'm actually going to talk about them below.
--
So, my philistine friends feel the need to get all haughty and righteously retarded after the Oscars by saying things like:

"Congratulations, Slumdog, you just won an award that no one cares about!"

And...

"If a movie is played at a cinema and no one goes to see it, do I still get to watch Grey's Anatomy?"

And...

"How come My finger smells like my asshole?"

So you get the idea as to what I'm dealing with on a daily basis.

Now folks, maybe you never saw the movie "Milk" or "The Wrestler", and maybe you never intend to. That's fine, you don't have to. They'll probably just make your small brain hurt anyway. But please, given that you've never seen the movie, and due to the fact that the last movie you saw in the cinema starred a guy in a mask, or featured four old women pretending to be hot and interesting, you should probably just bite your lip on this one.

The Academy surely has it's agendas. Sometimes they're overridden by fear (eg. why a flaming, platitude-laced, shitbrick like "Crash" can beat out "Brokeback Mountain"). Sometimes Tom Hanks exerts mind control over them like when Forrest Gump beat Shawshank Redemption for Best Picture back in '94. But I'd still prefer to leave the decisions to them, rather than handing the reigns over to a borderline adolescent like yourself.

But let's play a little game. What if, the "average guy", or the "regular gal", or the "simple folk" (my personal favorite), got to make the decisions? What if, "they" got to choose what was best and who gets the "pat on the back?" Let's just see how this would unfold:

2009 Academy Awards Best Picture:

Tyler Perry's Madea Goes to Jail
Bride Wars
Yes Man
Wall-E
Dark Knight

I'm actually impressed that they even selected Dark Knight. Quick! Name the director... Oh... Right.

2009 Best Restaurant:

Papa John's
McDonald's
Long John Silver's
KFC
Krispy Kreme

My money is on Krispy Kreme since I, myself eat it for both breakfast and dinner every day.

2009 Car of the Year:

Chevy Silverado
Ford F-150
Toyota Tundra
Chevy Impala
Hummer H3

Mmmmm, so many good choices. I'm glad to see that NFL advertisements have had such a profound effect on our purchasing habits .

The point is, you don't know shit and no one is better off with Joe the Plumber at the helm. After all, you're the same people that voted for Allen Iverson more than 4x as much as Joe Johnson (the GZA... JZA?) for the NBA All-star game, voted 4 of Les Habitantes to the starting lineup of the NHL All-star game (leaving the best player in the league OUT of the starting lineup), selected Brett Favre to the Pro Bowl, and have been served billions and billions of times by McDonald's. Forgive me for disrespecting your sorry opinions. Viva La Academy!