What Not to Wear

If you perused the Lolla Blog at all, then you may have have noticed that we tend to pay a little too much attention to what other people are wearing, when we should probably be focusing on, well, the purpose of the event itself. However, like good sons of the ADHD Generation, our attention is easily drawn toward what some may call, the lesser details.

We couldn't disagree more.

So before you make your decision to head out the door to the ballpark, stadium, arena, or court; let's talk about some common mistakes that people make either out of ignorance or insanity.


If you are going to wear a shirt with a player's name on the back, make sure that player is still wearing that same shirt as well.

Now, I've always found it kind of odd to wear someone else's surname on my back. I already have a last name and it sure as shit isn't Asomugha. I think it is much cooler just to have just the number on your shirt. Why? Because it's subtle, it demands knowledge to decipher, and well, I've always wanted a number. Social Security numbers don't work for a number of reasons. But this train left the station along time ago, and so I can deal with it.

What I cannot deal with is jerseys that have passed the expiration date. This has been covered extensively in the now defunct Straight Cash, Homey segment from Page 2, yet the problem still persists. I am truly sorry that Ron Artest is now on the Lakers, Rockets fans. And it sucks that you dropped a few bills on that clean white jersey, but like Arrested Development, that shit is over, and no encore movie is in the works.

You're not paying homage, you're not doing anything you can to support your team, you're just being cheap. Go out and buy another shirt, will you please? I hear Yao needs the extra push anyway.

And this applies doubly for Favre jerseys. Green Bay fans can't actually read so I won't get too into it, but good fucking god, man... What's it going to take?

Do not double up...

If you want to wear the shirt (loser), fine. If you want to wear the hat, that is fine, too. But when you combine the two, then you just look like a 6-year old getting ready for a tee-ball game. Grow up, man. Yeah we got it; you like the Cardinals. Your hat told me that. So did your shirt. But the both of them put together told me that you're square #1. Is there some kind of contest that I don't know about?

Okay, guys, show your spirit! When our home team looks into the crowd, I want them to feel your passion! No, don't make extra noise, silly. Wear your team colors and wear them in the most over-the-top fashion possible!

It's pretty obvious who you're pulling for, and the fact that you are at the game, you know, is kind of a hint as well. Did you bring your baseball glove, too? Again, grow up.

Oh, and wearing say, a Ray Allen jersey underneath your David Ortiz jersey isn't cool either. You're not anymore Bostonian than anyone else in the park today, dickhead. Maybe you live in Southie now, but you know what? You're actually from Milton.

However, you can wear apparel for your other teams in your city. If you are at a Pirates game, but you are rocking some Steelers gear, then run wild. Although it would be a whole lot cooler if you were wearing Penguins gear, it's still cool. So long as you don't double up.

Whoa... Each Pittsburgh sports team prominently features black and some variation of yellow...

Awesome.

No apparel representing a non-competing team.

If you go to the Padres-Rockies game, don't show up in a Dodgers jersey. I don't care if you are from Glendale, and just decided to head south for the weekend. You're not representing your team, you're just confusing people... Including yourself. Who are you cheering for during the game? The Dodgers? No. Then what the shit are you doing? Not that you need to have on the team's gear to provide support. That would be ridiculous, but just what the fuck is your point, man?

Honey, is this a two-team, interleague doubleheader?

I don't think so...

As I watched the Patriots blow their perfect season in Feburary of '07, this clown was sporting a Bo Jackson Raiders jersey at the bar... Chew on that for a second... Now consider how many rules he has broken. Somehow we allowed him to leave the bar clothed and breathing.

Corollary: No commemorative and/or All-Star jerseys

Again, are the East All-Stars playing this evening? No. But, Ovechkin's name is on the back? So, what? That makes it okay? No, (think Lewis Black) it DOESN'T. All it means is that you attended an All-Star game (cool in hockey and baseball, retarded in basketball and football), and that you dropped a minimum of $100 on the ugliest, most fleeting and soon-to-be irrelevant shirt in the house. Frame it, get some signatures, and never think about sporting that fashion nightmare again. I have half a mind to pull shirt over your heard and proceed with some kidney shots...

Do your team colors happen to be pink and white?

(Got boobies? Then try wearing this to the game instead!)

Then take that fucking hat off! Sorry ladies, you are all beautiful but you're really embarrassing your boyfriend (even if he is already wearing those shoes). Pink is the color of 5 year-olds, and all that hat is doing is putting terrible thoughts of jail bait in my head. Besides, how much more sexy is it when a girl is wearing some official gear? Even if she is merely giving off the illusion that she is actually into the game.

Wearing a pink hat to a game is lack a dad bringing poms poms to his daughter's cheerleading competition. Sure everyone appreciates the support, just no one is buying it is all.

Hey thanks for the support, pal. But just make sure you stay away from my daughter after this thing wraps up, okay? Creepy bastard...

No body/face paint!

Unless you are at a college football game... Or happen to be an Oakland Raiders fan...

What did you stop by the county fair before you arrived at the stadium parking lot? Were the corndogs any good? Listen, college age children need war paint because it helps them feel better about themselves. The maturation process stalled a bit in high school, and they're just working the ego out a little bit so that they can become mature adults once they finally wash that non-sense off their bare chests.

But when adults arrive at the park, faces painted pure silver or even a "face mask" painted on their... face (don't get me started on actually wearing helmets to the game), let's just say that the psychiatrist within us all cringes to think what kind of life that man is providing for his children back on the homefront.

Oh, you didn't go to college? So, that's an excuse or something? Well, technically none of the athletes did either, except for that clown out in Minnesota, so not buying into your development-level argument friend-o.

Filthy.

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I mean, whatever happened to style? Sure the retards down in Tampa went a little overboard with the cowbells and the wigs and all that. But they were trying. How about something unique and original at games? Something that actually makes you stand out, but without resorting circus-like shenanigans. Or, how about some jeans, a t-shirt, and a parka? To each his own... But not really.

So, follow these rules, folks and you will earn our respect, or at least our temporary tolerance, anytime you're in attendance at the big game.

Additional proposals in the comments, please.