Worst to First #17

The pre-season has begun and our collective semi-bone is creating a bulge that neither sandbags nor concrete dam could prevent from exploding in less than a month's time. With that said, allow us to stroke the fire, so to speak, and preview all 32 teams. Beginning with who we think will suck the most, and ending with who we think will suck the best.

What sayeth The Deuce?

The Kubiak Killaz

What do you do with a team that is neither good nor bad, not quite a sleeper but not quite a contender, has talented players but is stuck in a stacked division and is destined to finish 8-8 (give or take a game)? You go bullet points, that's what!

• Mario Williams was, is, and forever will be better at football, driving, life and not-dating-chicks-in-viral-porn-videos-with-other-dudes than Reggie Bush.
• Matt Schaub is made of Balsa wood.
• The offense, with or without SchaubLob, will be great (seriously, like really great) behind the versatile AC Slaton, a great 3rd down TE, and two recievers in White Walter and Andre the Giant who can BOTH stretch the field AND make tough possession catches.
• The defense will be somewhere between average and....average. A solid pass rush (Mario/Okoye and new addition Antonio Smith), a few athletic LB's (led by DeMeco), but as a unit they won't be able to lock down any high-octane offenses due to youth and a pissy defensive backfield.
• On second thought, Andre Johnson gets his own bullet. He's that damn good. Big, fast, athletic. Can run after the catch, and double-handedly demoralize a defensive gameplan before it starts. He's a Man, he's forty.
• If they played anywhere but in the roach-infested rainhole known as Houston, I might give more than a shit.
• If they played in the NFC West, they'd win the division.

Your 2009 Houston Texans. Enjoy the nuclear winter.