Worst to First #16

The pre-season has begun and our collective semi-bone is creating a bulge that neither sandbags nor concrete dam could prevent from exploding in less than a month's time. With that said, allow us to stroke the fire, so to speak, and preview all 32 teams. Beginning with who we think will suck the most, and ending with who we think will suck the best.

Paging Dr. b. Lee,


The Savages


Or, Snyder's Millions.

Did you know that the Washington Redskins are the NFL's second-most profitable team? Indeed, next to the Cowboys, the Skins are pulling it down more than any other club in the union. How? I have no fucking clue.

But word on the street is that Dan Snyder has been ciphering a few million of the top in order to purchase Portis jerseys in order to compensate for the complete lack of interest that this team generates beyond the confines of the Maryland swamp region.

The irony here is that Clinton Portis, while representing the only semi-successful offensive maneuver achieved under the Snyder regime, cost them perhaps the best defender ever to don a Redskins uniform in Champ Bailey... AND a second round draft pick! Of course, Portis has been no doubt the brightest spot in this offense since he arrived, but that's kind of like calling that piece of corn the brightest spot in your turd sandwich.

Since then, when not hiring bad coaches or drafting mediocre quarterback in the first round of the draft, Skins management has been focusing strictly on the defense either out of preference or necessity. The latter when tragedy struck, and the former, well, during just about every draft or free agency move in the last 5 years.

Not even a top five defense can satisfy this team. They want MORE, clearly subscribing to the Baltimore theory (or is it the Singletary theory?) of professional football. And so they took more in the 2009 draft, picking up a a cornerback, a defensive end, and linebackers with their first four picks. Maybe they think the offense will be fine (Santana Moss still has gas in the tank!) or perhaps they have realized that every offensive decision they muster is futile at best (Campbell) and catastrophic at worst (Patrick Ramsey anyone?).

And how could I forget about the showstomper, Big Al Haynesherwayworth (I sure know Andre Gurode hasn't)? Although Al and I are not currently talking due to his poor treatment of our lord and savior in last week's pre-season game with the Patriots, there is no denying the biggest defensive acquisition of the offseason, and it's clear improvement of an already above average defense. Enough so that the Skins will probably be able to compete with most teams in their MONSTER division, at least long enough for their offense to sputter and blow it in the waning minutes of the 4th quarter.

Unfortunately, none of this information is capable of keeping my attention long enough to even consider watching this Redskins play this year. A difficult feat this will no doubt be, but if there games are even as remotely hard to watch as this preview was to write, then it will surely be a worthwhile endeavor.

Fuck... Can I stop talking about the Redskins now?