Worst to First #14 & #13

The pre-season has begun and our collective semi-bone is creating a bulge that neither sandbags nor concrete dam could prevent from exploding in less than a month's time. With that said, allow us to stroke the fire, so to speak, and preview all 32 teams. Beginning with who we think will suck the most, and ending with who we think will suck the best.

My name is Deuce. Pay strict attention to what I say because I choose my words carefully, and I never repeat myself.

Finkle is Einhorn. Einhorn is Finkle.

It's a lofty day here at FSD in the NFL Preview department as we dive, dick first as always, into the greater half of football teams for the season. And what better way to start examining some of The League's true contenders than by slapping together a pair of one-dimensional, inconsistently competitive but always dangerous NFCites who share quite a bit in common; the New Orleans Saints and Arizona Cardinals (in that particular order).

Theoretically it's no matter whose 14 and whose 13, since theoretically they'll both miss the playoffs. But when either (or both) of these offenses are clicking on all cylinders, a simply marginal defensive output should push them up a few rungs into the playoff picture. How similar are these teams? Sounds like a perfect time for...

BULLET POINTS!!!

• Both teams are coached by former Offensive Coordinators of teams that went to the Big Game, oft-described as "innovative" or "masterminds." Sean Payton with the Giants, Coach Whizz with the Steelers.


• Both teams are led by offenses that score points like they're fire-bombing a small Asian village: fast, in bunches and without warning, mercy or regard for human life.


• These napalm strikes are predicated on the poise and precision of their quarterbacks; two of the best in the league for fantasy purposes and blog-related jokes about their physical malformities and religiosity. Oh and winning football games. And gay shit like leadership.


• Both teams lack a traditionally effective running game, which means they are forced to "use the pass to set up the run" (Jaworski 196). Though, I strongly attest to the fact that Pierre Thomas > Tim Hightower.


• Fortunately, both the Saints and Cardinals are outstanding at using their versatile backs in the passing game to maximize all their offensive weapons. The occasional screen or outlet to one of these RBs combined with the less-occasional big ground pick-up on a draw provides a great complement for...


• Some fucking awesome pass-catchers. Fitzgerald and Colston are both Top 5 receivers, and when Quan isn't contract-bitching, he's eating the afterbirth of virgins for breakfast. Throw in Lance Moore, Steve Breaston, etc. and these guys have 3rd-string wideouts who'd start for Team #12 on our list.
  

And finally

• Both teams have a goddamn sieve for a defense.
  

And there's the rub, the Achilles heel, the chink in the armor, the discolored growth on the shaft of the Cardinals and Saints that could (and likely will) prevent them from doing any serious ass-pounding this season. Both units allowed an average of over 3 touchdowns + a FG per game, which is pretty damn shameful. Sure, they each force a fair amount of turnovers, which has to be a gameplan derived from the acceptance of their own inability to tackle, shed blocks, read plays and cover people. To their credit, Payton and Whisenhunt seem only half-heartedly concerned with their defensive ineptitude. They adhere to the same coaching philosophy as our boy Fischer uses on NCAA Football 2010:

Who gives a shit about defense if I score every time I get the ball?

Valid point in video games. Flat-out ReTaHded in the NFL.

Considering the Shartinals Super Bowl run (and decimation of Philly and Carolina in the playoffs), one would think they actually had a good defense last year. Until I let you in on the fact that 'Zona was one of 5 teams to allow over 400 points to opponent's last year.

Sidebar: Detroit allowed over 5OO POINTS last year.

What the Cardinals do have going in their favor (and that which differentiates them from the Taints) is that they at least have the TALENT pool on defense to make an impact. Adrian Wilson is probably the hardest-hitting safety in the league, grossly underrated and one of my favorite players. But if your safety is your leading tackler, even Jables could tell you you're in trouble. If he ever tears himself from the Skeeball court, that is. Dansby, Dockett, DRC and others provide a balltickle of an allusion of a defense that can, at the very least, provide the offense a breather every few possessions; perhaps even contribute in a positive manner to the team as a whole.

Meanwhile, NOLA's defense has...um...

/checks Depth Chart

...Jesus. Not a live soul to be found. These guys are fucked.

The only other difference I can find between these teams is in the cities they hail from.

One is an American cultural Mecca; the home of beautiful jazz and blues musicians, orgasm-inducing Cajun and soul food, the greatest ethnic smorgasbord in the country and the mouth of the the mighty Mississippi River.

The other is Phoenix.

Laces out.