Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Hiatus Greatest Hits #1


While we are off being uncreative and uninspired (like most musical acts after a two to three album run), please take some time to revisit some of our past posts which are sure to enlighten, amuse, or annoy just as much, if not even more than they did the first time.

In other words, allow us to reintroduce you to... us.
---

Originally published June 16, 2009-

DOIN' WORK


This winter, the blogger known only as "Deuce" allowed us unprecedented access to his most sacred activity. We have been granted the ability to film, record audio, and observe while he engages in the activity that he does best. Namely, droppin' deuce.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Betting in Sideways World

Super Saver down the stretch.....and he WINS! Not only him but me, a man that just got blitzed by the NCAA tournament in such a way that Charles Barkley would have been proud of my losses. But, a timely Woody Page tip and my horse comes in first and at 8-1 odds my account sky rocketed. BUT....lets be honest karma is karma and while some ask for good karma, little do they know is the absence of karma is the most desirable thing in the world. Therefore, good karma leads to bad karma and until one can even out the karma a perfect existence of eternity is not obtainable. With that said, my Super Saver karma led me into riding the Suns hot and building a great little account. Little did I know that the Cavaliers and the Bruins would ruin my world. Its kind of like betting on red after five blacks at the roulette table and seeing that dreadful green zero hit. Thats just life. Well the moral of this story is DON'T take the teams you think are going to win. Bet with your heart (ie if you are like me and you hate the red wings, just bet against them, if you find the canucks disgusting despite those two green man fans, then effing bet against them, and finally if you love watching hockey on tv at great Canadian sites like Montreal (where the ohs and ahhhs of the fans carry over to the TV in an excellent manner that makes the game feel more exciting) then by all means go with your heart and not your head. The point is, DON'T pick Bruins in game six, don't go with the Penguins in game seven and for sure don't go with the under in the Pens v. Habs game. It was a tough night and well, I used to just have tough nights during the dog days of football fall, but now my addiction is roaring its aggressive snarl into the spring. Here's to taking the Celtics, Suns, Canadiens, and well the Twins or any other team that lost in the second game of a double header (seriously look at the winning percentage in the second game of the team that lost the first). I bid you ado until the next time...Go everything Minnesota and pick Super Saver in the Preakness. Just. Do. It.

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Willie Shakes: Fantasy Laureate


When we're not embracing the world of fantasy sports or engaging in various psilocybin-based activities around these parts, we're continuously trying to improve our knowledge of the sports world around us.  Sometimes this can be difficult and so in those times we defer to the members of our intellectual class to provide the answers when all we have to offer is questions.  Now get your pencils and paper ready, children.  Because it's time for the triumphant return of Wille Shakes, Fantasy Mock Draft Laureate.

Well folks, what type of prognosticator would I be if I didn't take a shot at the NFL round 1 Mock Draft. I mean, EVERYBODY'S doing it...it's like coke in the 80's.  Mel Kiper eat your heart out..

1. Rams
Sam Bradford QB OK

Uh Oh!


Although I would, of course, prefer to talk about WWF caricatures, we unfortunately will be talking about the Chicago Cubs.  Ah yes, the shitty Cubs; perennial chokemisers and incessant tinkerers of the NL Sad Bastard Society are at it once again.  Carlos Zambrano, aka the toughest man in Chicago, off to his worst start since his rookie season (and by far) has been moved to the bullpen after just 4 starts.  No word as to whether an addition needed to b added to the bullpen in order to accommodate Big Z's BLOATED salary, but this is such an odd situation.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Redirections, ETC.


Blogs are forming at a trickle right now, as are coherent thoughts from my brain pan.  But we do have this for you.  It's the Chella Blog's first entry!  Wanna know what it's like to be dirty, overstimulated and frazzled beyond control?  Well then I recommend some glue, some kiddie porn and a trip to your local DMV.

Wanna know what it was like to be at Coachella?  Go here, young man!

Headlines. . . !



Red Sox forfeiting remainder of season after slow start, knee-jerk commentary...


Kyle Singler passes up opportunity to play in NBA, seeks Duke bench position...


Ryan Miller is open for business...


Kevin Garnett considering throwing elbows more often...


Mel Kiper thinks Todd McShay lacks analytical explosiveness...


IOC's bullshit 'a complex series of interretarded events'...


Kovalchuk dressing like a devil, playing like a pussy...


Cleveland to Noah: Prettier'n you are...


Carlos Zambrano blames poor start on racist umpires, Torii Hunter...


Ecstasy's a helluva a drug...

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Insignificant Monster Dunk Better than Brilliant Game Clinching Goal


Apparently.

Oh, hello there!  You must be looking for something to read, right?  What?  My absence and lack of other-consciousness was not sufficient for you.  I do apologize, but things got a little real over the weekend and I just had to keep my head down and hands up until it passed. It hasn't yet passed, but I'm a professional, not some mid-level band stuck at an airport in Glasgow waiting for the ash to pass.

Friday, April 16, 2010

En Route: Chellin'


As you read this, I'm experiencing the musical equivalent of blissfully soiled undies... Which could very well consist of blissfully soiled undies.

The good news is that my campsite is just around the way.  It has cleaned undies and lots and lots of cold beer.  So as you can see, my weekend is once again going to be better than yours.  But don't be upset! Enjoy it with me!

After you enjoy these:

Thursday, April 15, 2010

Better Know a Contender. PERIOD


Back in the 1990's, Chicago was the center of the basketball universe. Actually, it wasn't just the center of the basketball universe, for it was the center of the sports universe. Michael Jordan was the biggest star in that universe, so when he left the game, he also killed it. Fans placed their basketball hopes on the likes of Allen Iverson, understandably, but also unjustly. But Michael didn't just kill basketball. He also killed hockey. Namely, hockey in Chicago.

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

It Is Growing...


The list of idiots in Major League Baseball (that just so happen to be African American), that is.

Better Know a Contender. PERIOD


The right to own a gun is largely framed in terms of self-defense measures.  I have a right to protect my family and so I should be allowed to have a gun in my possession.  Sounds fair enough.  But what it leaves out is that guns are not defensive weapons.  An alarm system is a defensive weapon.  Guns were created to kill.  Not to kill intruders with, but to intrude with.  Take what is needed, and be on your way.  A store clerk can have a gun behind the counter, but if the bandit has a gun in his face already, then that gun is staying where it's been all along and the money in the register is going out the door.  Even if the bandit's gun is not loaded or is even a fake, fear is induced and the first step toward victory is achieved.

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

My Weekend was Better than Yours


When is that ever not the case though?

It was a music bonanza this weekend at The Paradise in Terrier territory, shaking off the odd venue layout and gaining traction nonetheless.  Friday night, Midlake took the crowd on a captivating trip to Middle Earth with their Zeppelin-inspired brand of psychedelic folk rock.  Better than I thought it was gonna be, especially when they rocked out on this track for about 9 minutes.



Better Know a Contender. PERIOD


The shark is the most efficient and feared predator in the sea.  It doesn't back down, it never passes up a meal, and it will bite you in the ass if the given the opportunity. Sharks have rows of razor sharp that are not only good killing prey, but also good for processing and digesting that prey... In other words, sharks don't choke.

At least in the regular season they don't.

Monday, April 12, 2010

Tiger-Style No Match for Beef Curtain Technique

When the focus of the tournament often veered toward whether or not Tiger Woods was a cocksucker worth rooting against or worth rooting for, Tiny Tits Phil kept us all interested in what was occurring on the course rather than what occurred in that porn star's boombox.

Friday, April 9, 2010

En Route: Frozin'



Hockey, for better or worse, is still better than your favorite sport, even when it's in collegiate form.  Indeed, it's the sub zero answer to CBS' corporate-sponsored gaggle of non-stop commercials with a little men's basketball mixed in this weekend at Ford Field in Detroit. 

But first... Some respect:
  • If you look us, then you'll like this... (Free Darko)
  • A list of (formerly, now probably) one-armed men... (Big League Stew)
  • Think Tiger's commercial is horrifying (and/or pathetic)?  Try some funny then... (Deadspin)
  • And for more information then I'm about to provide below... (Hockey World Blog)

These Eyes Can See


Panthers 3.
Devils 2.

That is, the 13th place Florida Panthers against the (for now) 2nd place New Jersey Devils.

Thursday, April 8, 2010

Sex Tiger

Back on the prowl...

Mother fucker has been out of golf ever since he took a post-collision snooze at the corner of Filthy and Rich.  Yet, dude is still the ODDS ON favorite to win the most prestigious golf tournament evuh.

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

See What I Mean?


You know, just so you don't think I'm bullshitting



As the Italians say, assassino. The Sedins play like that, and they got themselves a chance. Of course, they did lose the game in the shootout.

Better Know a Contender. PERIOD


Stop for a second.

Think about the baseball team down in Tampa.  Remember their old name? Now think about the hockey team in New Jersey.  Florida: the only state in the union worse than New Jersey.  Nice work, team.

New Jersey has always been the team that the Boston Bruins wanted to be;  stifling defense, bad reputation, and most importantly, victorious.  Oh, and they also got Kovalchuk.  Thanks for adding insult to injury, jerk stores.

Undercover Lover


As in, there is "undercover" and then there is "Which way is up?"

Long before this little experiment was ever even considered, I had always had issues as a fan.  Mainly with other fans.  After being inspired as a young lad by experiences with Hockey East rivalries, squaring off in tiny arenas, too cold to sit in, and too noisy to remain quiet within, I had always hoped for the best out of a crowd.  After all, we're here to spectate and enjoy the presentation of entertainment, not to chit chat resting on our cellulite sofas.  I mean, we're supposed to be a part of the action, right?  We can impact the game, right?  At the very least, we can enhance the experience, no?  We're already somewhat invested, so why not go all the way, losing yourself in a symbiotic event?

They lose.  You lose.  They're still on the field.  You're still at the park.

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

A Social Experiment


Ah, free hugs.  One of the new aged, hippie-revivalist practices of the Los Angeles strip, begging the questions, would you hug a stranger just for the fuck of it, or are you just a cheap bastard that takes anything they can get for free? 

Better Know a Contender. PERIOD


The goal there was to get the Sedin brothers' faces atop the lovely ladies' faces, but my photoshop skills have diminished beneath a cascading pile of stress triggered by the inevitably of aging.

In just about every one of these vignettes, we have spoken about the team's inability to put the puck in the net. And that is what ultimately separates the next 6 teams from the rest: scoring. When other teams are content to take shots hoping they go in, the big 6 rip shots knowing that they will go in (unless of course we're dealing with the Devils, but even they have seen improvement since Kovie came to town).

Monday, April 5, 2010

Final Sickness



It was too cold to cry, when I woke up alone-
I hit my last number, I walked to the road.

So, the Final Four came through with a whimper.  You can already here Tony Reali asking, "did Butler win the game, or did Michigan State lose the game?"  Please don't try to imagine Jay Mariotti's response but nothing but headaches will ensue.  And how good is Duke?  Ah yeah, about those headaches?

Blogsturbation Monday


Talk about guns like I ain't got none...
What do you think, I sold them all?

Gee, I sure am sorry about that folks, but I was En Route: Adam Sandler in the Wedding Singer post-Wedding Day Disaster'n prior to that little island getaway.  I sure hope Deucey didn't scare you all away with his little magic trick (you know, "rising from the dead") but don't fear little ones, for daddy is home...

So what did I miss?

Wednesday, March 31, 2010

The Inmate(s) is Running the Asylum



Sorry, I didn't just ruin the ending for anyone, did I?

So I made a promise to write 2 blogs this week. Now, Deuce here is a lot of things. But if I'm nothing else, I'm a visionary who consistently lacks follow-through and initiative. But if I AM something else, it's a man of my word. So here I go, ending FSD's first EVAH streak of consecutive days of no-posting at 2.

Friday, March 26, 2010

Friday Bonebag

/Friday Shitbag

Bonebag:
AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!  The vocal chords are still reeling from high-pitched shrieks sent forth from the pub last night, but I guess a top notch Sweet 16 battle will do that to you.  Anytime you reach the point when you are absolutely willing to accept either team winning a contest, you have reached athletic nirvana and hopefully we all at least got close last night.  Kansas State's elite backcourt carried the day combining for 53 points, and some especially clutch shooting down the stretch from my man on your left.  Then again, Xavier's backcourt wasn't too shabby either, pouring in 58 points.  Huge shots, dramatics, two likable teams, this game was just a treat and had me peeing like I was up all night have sex this morning, which I'll take... Which I'll take.

Thursday, March 25, 2010

Dear Mr. Fantasy,


Give us a clue...
Something - that makes us look witty



Does your fantasy team suck? Probably?

Does your fantasy team name suck? Probably?

Well, we can't do anything about your first problem, but we can sure as shit do something about the second!  Introducing,

FSD's 2010 Fantasy Baseball Better Than Your Current Name-Drop!


Baseball's Kanye West


Where to begin...

A lifetime .277 hitter who has now switched teams 9 times in a 10-year career, versus a 14-time Grammy winner with three #1 albums, and one #2 album on the Billboard charts.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Sweet Sickness - That Side


May my love reach you all,
I locked in myself and buried too long.
Now that I've come to fall,
Please say that it's not too late,
Now that I'm dead and gone.


Sweet Sickness - This Side


The good news? Pretty awesome tournament we have going right now, eh?  A solid mix of predictable favorites and completely unpredictable sleepers that have ravaged brackets like a horny Russian in Cold War East Germany.  Dance of Death, indeed

Better Know a Contender?


What do you get when a team models their mascot after a grade school computer game?

Why you get the Buffalo Sabres, of course!  America's team!  And aren't they cute?  You have to love any team whose two greatest moments occurred 40 years ago, and not even during an NHL-sponsored event, respectively... And both were losing efforts!  But we are talking Buffalo here, kiddies, where losing is an institution.  But not just losing, losing as painfully and as often as possible.

It's All His Fault


In his most recent article, Gene Wojciechowski compares the "old" NFL Overtime rules to a game of "Rock, Paper, Scissors."  In fact, he intimates that "Rock, Paper, Scissors" is actually a better system for resolving a game that has bled into an extra session.

Gene Wojciechowski, ladies and gentlemen, is a fucking clown.

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Hi, My Name is Chris Evans


And I only do superhero movies.

And why is that? Well, because as everyone knows, super heroes are smart, buff, and very, very confident. Some would even say cocky. And why shouldn't they be?  They're smart, buff, and very, very confident.

Why Hockey ISN'T Better than your Favorite Sport


Because unlike Roger Goodell, David Stern, and yes, even Bud Selig, these assholes don't have a clue what they're doing.

Monday, March 22, 2010

Blogsturbation Monday



And the Big Four are Syracuse, Duke, Cornell, and Northern Iowa?  That's awfully white of this tournament.  Sure Kentucky has looked very solid in their first two games, but what do those first two games mean anyway?  Maybe we should ask Kansas... But in all honesty, we would have to say that Northern Iowa is the favorite against Sparty, no? I'm not sure I've seen a more confident team than the Panthers so far.  And without Lucas, how confident can Izzo's bunch really be?  That luck can only last so long.

As for FSD, our money is on Washington walking out of this thing cleaner than anyone else.

Friday, March 19, 2010

6-11 Is the New 5-12!


First off, yesterday was the most glorious day in a long time.  No, I don't care about the condition of my bracket, nor should you yours.  Brackets don't mean shit, especially when you picked Vandy to do anything ever (ps. what's wrong with you?).  At this point in time, what's done is done and so there's nothing else to do but put your bracket in your sock draw and leave it there until the first weekend in April, because if you're too busy sobbing over Notre Dame, then amidst the tears, you're going to be missing some really fantastic basketball.

Thursday, March 18, 2010

Sickness Live Blog


I'm thinkin' of a - Live blog to
En-ter-tain you work-work-working stiffs.
My mind's content to - ball all day long
In hopes that it's gonna give-give-give me a lift.

I'm late!  Let's hop to it!

This live blog is sponsored by the following song:



1:05pm - Nova the super-duper unimpressive regular season that didn't deserve a 2-seed, showing early on why... they didn't deserve a 2-seed.  Robert Morris 24 Nova 16

1:15pm - Apparently every game is at half-time... And the bartender is less-than impressed by my sparkling white laptop that is on the bar.

1:16pm - Maybe Robert Morris can beat Duke?

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Sickness South 2010


And as I listen at your wake
I saw how only you could make
Triumph out of tragedy
Tragedy into a divine comedy

West Sickness
Midwest Sickness
East Sickness
South Sickness

Sickness East 2010


That woman deserves her revenge...
And we deserve to die...
But then again, so does she.
So, I guess we'll just see...
Won't we?

West Sickness
Midwest Sicknes
East Sickness
South Sickness

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Playin' Sickness


How could we forget the game that pretty much, kinda, doesn't even really count?

Sickness Midwest (2010)


You can a good look at a butcher's ass by sticking your head up there.
But wouldn't you rather take his word for it?

West Sickness
Midwest Sickness
East Sickness
South Sickness

Sickness West (2010)


Every night and every morn, some to misery are born. 
Every morn and every night, some are born to sweet delight. 
Some are born to sweet delight, some are born to endless night.

West Sickness
Midwest Sickness
East Sickness
South Sickness

Monday, March 15, 2010

But First!


We've all been alerted to the genius that is Name of the Year, but are we aware of all the corporate knock-offs that have emerged as a result of its existence? 

One such entrepreneur (read: thief), and good friend of FSD, has scoured the records of his employer to locate and provide us all with some of the best names that his terrible, terrible job has to offer.

It's the MT Name of the Year!

Rock the bracket, y'all.

The Return


Considering the weak state in which so many teams are limping into the tournament this year, we have decided to dub the 2010 Sickness as "The Big Dance... of Death".  With so many lying at death's doorstep (see: Texas and Purdue) and/or dead already (Wofford and, well, Purdue again), it seems fitting.

At this point, everyone should be aware of THE SHEET® , so there's no real need to go into the details, unless you really want to, of course.  Basically, we're bringing you THE SHEET® March Madness-style.  Coming soon, we will have all four regional brackets posted, but each will have its own FSD-spin to it.  No actual team names (usually) will be found and instead, you will see 64 puns, name-plays, and potentially clever references to the female anatomy.

Get excited, y'all... It's about that time.

Let Me Get This Wrong...


So, you got rid of two terrible quarterbacks, so that you could... Bring in two more terrible quarterbacks?

Mike Holmgren, the fat genius, strikes again.

Friday, March 12, 2010

En Route: Parade Pissin'


Okay, Here's what YOU gotta know!


My name is Seamus O'Shanahanigan and I'm a fucking St. Paddy's Day All-Stahhh!  Nobody's mohre Irish than I am, no one Pahty's as hahd as I do, and I love myself a fucking parade.

Why? 

Tits, booze, and buds.  The best fuckin' buds in the world I might add.  Shohre, sometimes I gotta break a bottle or two ova theih heads, but we'rall bettuh friends fawrit aftuhwoods.

Hehe's what you do:  Get 64 beers for yuhself.  That's right, 2-thirty packs of somethin' strong and then yuh gotta finagle 4 mohre of those lite pieces of shit.  The lites ah fuh when those faggots come mahchin' down Broadway.  I hate those fuckin queehs, rubbin theih cocksuckin' noses in my face.Well, hehe you go homos: 4 gay beehs slung right into yuh gay faces.  Now, beat it!  And take yuh Obama neighbuh cahe, with yuh!

And that's pretty much it.  All you need is lots of beer, eyes to see tits with, and an irrational hatred of gays and dahkies.  Happy Paddy's Day folks!

What ah you lookin' at , yuh fackin loozuh?
Green beeh is fuh gay queehs.

Your Mandatory Pre-Fight Post

For the first time perhaps ever, Texas will be warmly welcoming the prospect of two illegal immigrants crossing their border for the primary purpose of pugilistic entertainment at Jerry World this weekend.  It's impossible to even consider this fight in lieu of the breakdown that occurred in negotiations between Floyd Mayweather and Manny Pacquiao.  In turn, it is also impossible to view Pacquiao's opponent this weekend, Joshua Clottey, as a mere substitute, and an insufficient one at that.

Thursday, March 11, 2010

I'mpostor


Torii's comments are interesting for a number of reasons.  First off, what is he even thinking?  I mean, we all have our interesting thoughts, and maybe they even make sense in our heads, but anytime we attempt to explain them to others, they just never seem to come out properly.  Torii didn't mean to lampoon his Latin teammates or anything like that.  He was merely acknowledging a real difference between African Americans and Latin Americans, and one that exists beyond skin color.

Better Know a Contender?


In an economy where nothing seems to be stable, there are certain enduring institutions that we all rely upon that comfort us in times of crises.  Whether it is cheap cheeseburgers at Wendy's, dollar drafts at the local pub, bigotry toward homosexuals, and scalped playoff tickets in Hockeytown, USA, these fixtures keep our minds focused and at ease as we all, in a way, psychologically stake our own fortunes to their continued presence. 

When these institutions dissolve, well, you get Detroit as the result.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

KG the Clown


Clowns are obvious caricatures.  They're supposed to look ridiculous because, well, that's the whole point.  They look ridiculous because it is intended to mirror their performance.  Pulling an endless thread of multi-colored fabric out of your mouth, piling into a car with your gay clown friends, and shooting water of the plastic flower attached to your lapel.  All of it is absurd, but the humor crime fits .  It's supposed to be ridiculous.

So what happens when absurd behavior doesn't fit?

Got Any Gum?

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Tuesday, March 9, 2010

The Day After Dan Snyder


I know... A music review in the middle of a sports fan's ground zero?  Sometimes I seek refuge in the simpler things in life, when the art of running, jumping, and tackling just becomes a little complex for my waning mental processes.  Well, it's not really the physical attributes mentioned above that get me all curious George, but the financial considerations that make the operators of such movements go.  Because, seriously... What the fuck?