Headlines. . . !

Red Sox forfeiting remainder of season after slow start, knee-jerk commentary...


Kyle Singler passes up opportunity to play in NBA, seeks Duke bench position...


Ryan Miller is open for business...


Kevin Garnett considering throwing elbows more often...


Mel Kiper thinks Todd McShay lacks analytical explosiveness...


IOC's bullshit 'a complex series of interretarded events'...


Kovalchuk dressing like a devil, playing like a pussy...


Cleveland to Noah: Prettier'n you are...


Carlos Zambrano blames poor start on racist umpires, Torii Hunter...


Ecstasy's a helluva a drug...

HEADLINES. . . !

Coach Jim Caldwell considers resting starters in order to prepare for Super Bowl...


Iverson to start, suck in NBA All-Star game...


Logical Progression: Spoon's next album to be all instrumental, Britt's voice as exclusive instrument...


Much to San Diego's dismay, Nate Kaeding not a suicide threat..


Mark McGwire finally admits to taking steroids, your daughter's virginity...


Dallas Cowboys reward Wade Phillips' mediocrity with promise of future mediocrity...


Glen Davis' nickname actually more of a certified diagnosis...


Jeremy Roenick sites NHLPA '96 as evidence of Chicago's poor goaltending...


Future middle reliever, Joel Pineiro excited to be to in LA, or wherever the fuck the Angels play baseball...


Snowboarder totally stoked, stoned for Winter Olympics in Vancouver...

HEADLINES. . . !

Lebron steals fan's fries, fan's girlfriend's innocence...


Halladay preparing for Phillies debut with extensive battery-dodging exercises...


Charles Barkley fully prepared to give Tiger Woods gambling tips for the future...


Notre Dame rejects BIG 10 mediocrity, prefers independent mediocrity...


So far, only Saints blemish happens to be on Brees' face...


SEC Championship proves that Tim Tebow's tears do not, in fact, cure cancer...


Tiger on Elin's potential decision to divorce: I've had better...


Fuzzy Zoeller on Tiger's situation: Typical black male behavior...


Randy Moss proves doubters wrong by ripping bong hits in the New England locker room...


Pitchfork Media suffocates during apparent fellatio incident involving the musical group Animal Collective...

HEADLINES. . . !

Mama Artest: Pregnancy Led to Stress, Drinking...


Marion Hossa's divided loyalties surface when he shoots on own net...


Canada no longer accepting visa applications from upstate New York...


Iverson happy to be back where it all started, fell apart...


Tim Lincecum elated to accept such a "groovy" award...


Pacquiao-Mayweather now being prescribed as safe alternative to Viagra...


Lovie Smith on instant replay: I'm retarded...


Adrian Peterson cited for speeding, fumbles during sobriety test...


Racist Sammy Sosa attends benefit dinner in Whiteface...


Tiger Woods proves that only being half-Asian still a handicap while driving...

HEADLINES. . . !

27th Heaven actually an ironically placed circle of Hell...


Tim Tebow's gap discipline impressing John Gruden, priests everywhere...


NHL trying to lure inner city support with new Sudden Death Shoot-Out format...


Bob Sanders fulfills contracted two-game appearance, promptly visits IR...


Lebron already finding himself in New York Knick form...


Red Sox trade for JD Drew in order to form lefty-lefty platoon with JD Drew...


All Blacks' starting Hooker arrested for prostitution...


USC preparing for inevitable BCS title game against Notre Dame...


Rex Ryan hates gimmicks, challenges Sparano to pie-eating competition...


Chris Paul requests Katrina aid be diverted toward Hornets-rebuilding efforts...

HEADLINES. . .!

Girardi:  I thought Burnett had another 2, maybe 3 innings left in him....


Fuentes:  Look, I'm gonna be honest here, A-Rod scares the hell outta me...


Manny:  What?  It was shower time for Manny...


Utley: Boo?  Fuck you...


Pedroia: How am I supposed to hit the ball when this field is in such disrepair...?


Tulowitzki: Hey, we were just happy to be here...


Mauer: Same time next year, Derek...?


Holliday: How can I be worried about making plays when I'm worried about who is going to overpay me next season...? 


McCellan:  I'm a huge, embarrassing failure 

HEADLINES. . . !

Matt Sanchez recently spotted sporting a clean mustache...

Derek Jeter MVP of cloying, delusional sportswriters everywhere in New York...

Inspired by Stafon Johnson, boxers now undergoing intense fellatio training to promote jaw-health...

Chris Collinsworth and Phil Simms brawl on the set of INSIDE THE NFL after simmering, mock animosity devolves into boiling, actual animosity...

Legal system offers no help for NHL’s lingering stray dog epidemic...


Eric Wedge driven to unemployment by his own theory...


Tom Brady the second coming of Jay Cutler… Or something like that...

Delonte West the front-runner for lead role in inevitable remake, herpes-awareness PSA...

Greg Biffle to miss first race of Sprint Cup due to chronic brake toe...

HEADLINES. . . !

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HEADLINES. . . !

Hank Aaron suggests that he should be inducted into the Hall of Fame... Again...


Fenway Park to become (somehow) even whiter for the NHL's 2010 Winter Classic...


Norv Turner caught while attempting to trade-in Ladainian Tomlinson through federal Cash-for-Clunkers program...


Prince Fielder restrained by teammates just before breaking into Los Angeles Samosa House...


Eli Manning all amped for antiquing bonanza after signing lucrative, multi-year contract...


Roy Halladay a cautionary tale on the dangers of dual citizenship...


Celtics sign Shelden Williams, really want Candace Parker...


German national team refuses to share balls with South Africa due to fear of HIV transmission...


AFL forced into bankruptcy by sagging financial situation, shitty product...


Tim Tebow to become first college Player-Coach-Messiah in NCAA history...

HEADLINES. . . !

Erin Andrews' chin unable handle Alex Cora's ball-pounding...


Eddie George regrets never getting to say how sorry he was for being so shitty all those years...


Nike confiscates footage from game 4 of the 2007 NBA Finals...


Donte Stallworth cautious about the prospects of institutionalization while on mansion arrest...


Shawn Marion already struggling to climb out of Dirk Nowitzki's shadow...


Dozens of soccer fans flood local bookstores to purchase Landon Donovan's tell-all...


NFL bans Ocho Cinco from tweeting during games due to his own illiteracy...


Lenny Dykstra strongly recommends investing in some of that Lenny Dykstra...


Eastern Conference's reaction to Celtics' recent acquisition: Sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeed...


Barstool Sports doesn't talk about sports, sucks...

HEADLINES. . . !

Father's Day to be renamed Shawn Kemp's Day, in honor of his tireless service...


Dontrelle Willis terribly concerned over what that guy in 7th row thinks about his pitching mechanics...


Kobe Bryant catching the eye of Sesame Street execs. due to his superior accounting abilities...


Boston Bruins prove that hockey is more about individual performance than team success...


Shaq eager to be Lebron's new Ben Wallace...


Bryce Harper proves that having someone else take your SATs is not only wrong, but also unnecessary...


Orlando Magic just a coach and few low post moves away from title contention...


Brandon Marshall hoping to find new city that smiles upon domestic abuse... Or at the very least, looks the other way...


Terrell Owens excited about opportunity for dual citizenship provided by new ball club...


Joe Buck really hoping to meet this Lucky Pierre character in the near future...

HEADLINES. . . !

Mo Williams guarantees that thing on Delonte West's face will still be there win, lose, or draw...


Tom Brady returns to practice with God, Jesus, and all the rest of the angelic beings...


Phil Mickelson at the top of wife's Breast Donor List...


Derrick Rose is, in fact, as dumb as he looks...


Carlos Zambrano: Carlos Angry... Carlos SMASH! AHHHHHHHHHH!...


TO already resorting to new, innovative ways aimed at destroying his new team...


Chicago Blackhawks still waiting for Detroit Red Wings in the parking lot outside Joe Louis Arena...


Kobe: Doin Work... On that poor girl's behind...

HEADLINES. . . !

Kenyon Martin rejects Mark Cuban's blog-pology by wildstyling "Apology Not Accepted" on the walls of the American Airlines Center...


Ovechkin: I am still prettier than Sidney Crosby...


Manhunt begins as Mel Kiper missing since April 27th...


Pedro Martinez eager to re-join the DL for one lucky MLB team during the 2009 season...


Boston Bruins fans make short, sad trip back up to New Hampshire, Maine...


Audit commission decides that 11 teams is enough for the Big... 10... Conference...?


David Stern: The best part about Dwight Howard's game is his smile...


Ricky Hatton still not sure what the fuck hit him...


BFF not actually our BFF...

HEADLINES. . . !

Arkansas athletics struggling to find willing opponents for upcoming season in wake of Swine Flu epidemic


Commissioner Bettman thrilled to know that Internet porn will not be necessary over the next 4-7 Penguins-Capitals games


ESPN apparently unaware that Joakim Noah is WICKED UGLY


New England Patriots stock-piling draft picks, placing them in underground bunker, just in case this 'Swine Flu Shit" really hits the fan


Millions of Rays' fans witness Matt Garza toss a near no-hitter... From their living rooms.


Tracy McGrady happy his teammates could finally get him to the second round of the playoffs.


Al Davis on alleged Michael Crabtree snub: 'Everyone knows there is no such thing as a crab tree"


Chicago Bulls basketball fans wondering when Coach Del Negro is finally going to give Michael some playing time


Zach Greinke depressed by how feeble hitters are against him


A Rod's mother took steroids while pregnant... With A Rod.


Save Free Darko

Headlines. . . !

A-Rod proves he is steroids-free by homering in opening Spring Training game...


Marquette's Dominic James a Warrior... I mean, a Golden Eagle...


2009 Draft Class to Detroit Lions: Please don't pick us...


Alexander Ovechkin says that he is clearly tougher than the biggest pussy in the NHL...


Boston fans honor the 10 year anniversary of Stephon Marbury's last regular season appearance...


Albert Haynesworth to receive initial portion of Obama stimulus package...


Due to Rangers recent struggles, NHL fans fear the prospect of not getting to see Sean Avery behave like an asshole in the playoffs...


Lendale White found guilty of driving on an empty stomach...