Thursday, December 31, 2009

Why Hockey is Better than Your Favorite Sport


Because who else can make the greatest ball park in the world even more spectacular?  Otherwise known as your mandatory pre-Winter Classic post.



It's Winter Classic time y'all, and what better way to snap out of your uber-hangover than to turn on the tube and watch a glorious Marc Savard to Marco Sturm goal with the Green Monster in the background?  Sure the Flyers have been pretty weak this year and no one feels bad for them, most notably their own fans.  The Bruins have been steady but ultimately disappointing up to this point in the season.  That being said the Fly Girls have topped the Bru Cru in four of their last five meetings, meaning that the Bruins have something to prove.  And with both teams coming off impressive shutout victories against playoff contenders, their should certainly be plenty of momentum coming from both directions.

What's that?  There's snow in the forecast for the Boston area?  Just when you think things couldn't get any better.

Get ready for the show y'all!  And maybe even layoff that last glass of champy.  Or at least preset the DVR button on the TIVO machine, 'cause you don't wanna miss this one.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

THE SHEET®: Week 17 +


THE SHEET®: Week 16 Results

And what a way to limp to the finish line with no post for THE SHEET®: Week 16 whatsoever, only one of us being guaranteed to make any money, and Vegas having no clue as to what is about to happen this weekend, making the spreads patently absurd.  Plus, considering that when we look at the macro picture, this whole concept was barely recognized, let alone embraced by our small yet faithful readership, which is disheartening to say the least.  That being said, THE SHEET ain't going anywhere, and we look forward to it's return next season... Or for the Wild Card round of the playoffs.  We'll see what happens.

So, in honor of the final week of the THE SHEET® for the inaugural year of our rag tag institution known as Five Second Delay, please take the time the read through our Manifesto, to better grasp the concept and goal of this feature.  Do it, or I swear I'll drop a Top 100 list for best cover art of 2009.  And don't think that I don't have the draft already prepared.

So, farewell, 2009 (week 16).

How you doin', 2010 (week 17)?

Raise a glass to THE SHEET®, without which there is no blog, no comments, and most importantly, one less valuable means of procrastination.


Game of the Year 2009


Holy shit, a sports post!  Thought the old b.eester had gone all soft and "hipster" on you, huh?  'Fraid not my, friends.  Hipster, sure.  But only because I'm cooler than you are.  Soft?  Just check out this gun show we got ready for you right here; it is the top 10 games, matches, and competitions of 2009 as voted on our by our illustrious panel of cell phone contacts that responded to a fateful text message sent out about a month back!  Drink it in, folks, but just not too much.  For we get real drinking to do later on tonight.

10. NBA Eastern Conference Finals: Cleveland Cavaliers vs. Orlando Magic
05/22/2009
In what is rapidly becoming a trend for the Cleveland Cavaliers, Bron Bron and company once again came up well short of an NBA title even when standing on the doorstep.  But, at least they got to to be apart of a game that featured the most stunning buzzer beater of the entire season, right?  Shooting over both Hedo Turkoglu, and a late to the party, Rashard Lewis, Lebron James drilled a three-pointer to even this nacent series at a game a piece.  After sweeping their first two opponents, the Cavaliers were not quite used to the idea of losing a playoff game (You know, even though they've done it the last 2 year prior) so it was an impressive bounce back game, as well as must-win playing in front of the home crowd.  Unfortunately, this brilliant shot only counted in one of these 6 games.

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Rock CriDick: Best Songs of 2009; Part 2


All "End of Year" lists are, as a rule, self-indulgent, and well, when have we here at FSD ever shied away from such endeavors?  After all, why do you think this blog exists?  And continuing along with our Points(s) of Attack, we just went ahead and created a 50 item selection of the best "soft spots" of the year.  Whether or not pursuing these artists any further is of worth, well proceed at your own risk.

And so, with any further delay, our top 50 singles (finishing up with 25-1), are as follows...

25. Rivertown
The Greencards
While Fascination was primarily in exercise in Carol Young's poppier songwriting and delicate vocals, The Greencards had to return to their roots at some point, delivering an explosion of high-wire, foot-stomping bluegrass.  Loaded with virtuosic mandolin and fiddle-playing, check your pulse if this one doesn't put you in motion.


Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Rock Cridick: Best Shows of 2009


Now, as objective as the other lists have been, this post comes from a more personal place.  Mainly because I was personally at these shows.   Passion Pit and White Rabbits at the Fillmore may have very well been a great show... But I wasn't there.  So, you get the idea and here it goes.


10. Bowerbirds and Elvis Perkins in Dearland
@ The Paradise 11/30/2009
I was forced to fly solo to this event as the Patriots and Saints were doing battle on Monday Night Football.  It was supposed to be a captivating matchup, but fortunately for me, the only captivating event that took place that night was on Comm. Ave.  During the opening set, the Bowerbirds held the audience in the palm of their hand.  No one made a sound and there was hardly any movement.  Eyes were transfixed upon an invading presence that gained entry not by force but through hypnosis.  And once the crowd was sufficiently softened, Dearland descended from on high, literally taking the stage from the balcony via jazz procession.  In time, Elvis would join the band on stage for a super tight set of cuts off their self-titled (and top 25!) album.

Le Ginge's Top 10 Albums of 2009


Le Ginge was certainly dissastisfied with our blog's previous musical prognostications, and therefore, decided to go nomad on us, designing his own "Best of" list for 2009.  Let's see what he's got in store for us all, shall we?



10. Backspacer
Pearl Jam
Dude...











Rock Cridick: Best Songs of 2009; Part 1


All "End of Year" lists are, as a rule, self-indulgent, and well, when have we here at FSD ever shied away from such endeavors?  After all, why do you think this blog exists?  And continuing along with our Points(s) of Attack, we just went ahead and created a 50 item selection of the best "soft spots" of the year.  Whether or not pursuing these artists any further is of worth, well proceed at your own risk.

And so, with any further delay, our top 50 singles (starting with 50-26), are as follows...

50. The Rake's Song
The Decemberists
On a "more than the sum of its parts" album, The Rake's Song stands out in its color and humor.  Color because it is more Tarantino than it is "A Series of Unfortunate Events", giving it a hue brighter than black.  And because how can one not laugh at the narrator's absurdly callous disregard?


Apologies, we can now begin with the actual list...

Monday, December 28, 2009

Rock Cridick: Best Albums of 2009


All "End of Year" lists are, as a rule, self-indulgent, and well, when have we here at FSD ever shied away from such endeavors?  After all, why do you think this blog exists?  And while we do not necessarily subscribe to the notion that "anyone can like anything", considering that some music just sucks, we do believe a first impression is a good impression.  Therefore, through our Point(s) of Attack approach, we hope to provide you with a few soft spots to target before tackling the entire album.

And so, without any further delay, our top 25 albums of the year are as follows...


25.  Elvis Perkins in Dearland
Elvis Perkins in Dearland
Already an accomplished, albeit morose, songwriter, Elvis Perkins' decided to employ the help of Dearland to assist his old-fashioned, idiosyncratic lyrical delivery.  Through the employ of the versatile Dearland, Elvis was able to craft one of the most dynamic and atmospheric folk albums of the year.  Amplified by assorted brass instruments, heavy organ, and even a marching bass drum, Elvis' vocal arrangements combine to make for one of the most unique, yet familiar feeling albums in recent memory.

Point(s) of Attack: Track #8 (Doomsday)


32 Things

As you may or may not have noticed, this blog is strongly biased toward two things in life: football and music. We try to unify the two in print as well as we do in our own minds, but these things do not necessarily translate all that well when traveling between the abstract to the tangible. But this new segment appears to be prepped for success and understanding. It combines our favorite sport with one of our favorite songs and the two get along just fine, even if it is also combined with one of our least favorite things; NFL recap posts. Regardless, it's 32 Things!



Panthers: So how many Moore games would they have won if Delhomme had drowned in a swamp last summer?

Jets: Rex Ryan must have been extra nice this year. My Sleeper Special controls its own destiny.

Rams: Congratulations! You've clinched a boy named Suh.

Thursday, December 24, 2009

En Route: Noggin'




There is nothing more laughable than coming into work on Christmas Eve.  Sure, everyone makes the best of it; there is good, a Yankee Swap, sex on the copy machine.  But no work actually gets done, so in that case, what's the point?  Why not make work optional that day?  If you're going on vacation and get some loose ends to tie up, then go crazy.  But, if you got Christmas shopping to do, then shit, I'm not coming into work.  And have you ever been Christmas shopping on Christmas Eve?  It's amazing.  All the so-called "smart" people are done shopping.  Mom is home cooking the meal, or wrapping gifts, and so the dudes got free reign in every aisle of our choosing.  And if you shopping after hitting the bar as is our custom, well let's just say that things are even easier.

And some of us have other priorities as well.  Priorities such as finishing up blog posts for the year end.  Posts such as the Best 50 Songs of 2009, the Best 25 albums of 2009, the 10 "Best" Shows of 2009, the 40 Best Movies of the Decade, oh and for you who actually expect to read about sports at FSD, the Top 10 Games of 2009.  So no links this week, but do check the "Otherz" section of the blog if you are so inclined, and make sure you swing on through next week during those few special days that separate Christmas from the New Year for some special end of the year posts.  We'll be working on them this weekend for your viewing pleasure.

So no matter what you celebrate or choose not to celebrate, we ALL get that extra day off...

Merry Christmas, y'all...


PS. THE SHEET® should be up, well, whenever Deuce stops pining over his annual post.  Stay tuned.

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Basketball Jesus... Black?




Most Boston Celtics fans, as well as fans of the NBA, have always assumed that Larry Bird was a white man.  But a recent article from Sports Illustrated.com casts doubt upon this widespread presupposition.
That Hansbrough was drafted by Bird, who was rumored to be white during his playing career, only furthered the stereotype. The widespread assumption was that Bird didn't make a color-blind selection. The truth was that Bird not only recognized the athletic qualities that some others missed, but he also saw someone who brings the same work ethic and self-discipline that he once brought to the Celtics, and Miller once brought to the Pacers.

QB Favre Mum on Starting Head Coach vs. Bears



If Minnesota Vikings quarterback Brett Favre were able to dodge Julius Peppers with the same deftness he evaded the media's questions over next week's starting Head Coach, the Vikings may still be in the hunt for the NFC's #1 seed in the playoffs.

JUST GIVE THEM THE BLOOD!




While making others bleed is something Manny Pacquiao takes pleasure in, giving up his own seems to make the elite boxer a little queasy.

Apparently due to suspicions arising from the Mayweather corner, the current contract stipulates that the two boxers must pass drug tests that are up to International Olympic Committee standards.  The tests, as a result, would be random and the fighter would have to pass tests possibly up until the last few days prior to the fight.

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

THE SHEET®: Week 15 Results


Call this one Week Blue Balls.  I think the picture speaks for itself.  To be fair, we're all going to play it as if those blues should have been greens, just to push us over .500 for the week... Or at least, close to it (ahem). But if we're honest with ourselves, I think we're going to all agree to put this one behind us... Like MaMart on a Friday night... Saturday morning... Or Sunday at Mass with Father Joseph in the confessional.  Lutheran church, of course.

Deuce is on THE SHEET® this week, so we might have it by Saturday night if we're lucky.  Then again, he promised content today, and as you can see... Well, you can't see anything.  But perhaps we could all use a little breather after this ghastly collective performance.  At least the football games themselves treated us right? Four down-to-the-wire finishes, an OT game, and 10 games decided by 7 points or less.  Plus, whenever BFF falls on his face, it just makes everything a little rosier.

Here's to a fresh start, huh?

Why Hockey is Better than your Favorite Sport


The names of the players



Sure, hockey has its Andersons, Millers, Howards, and Lundqvists.  But that is not what makes the play-by-play so interesting and exciting, you know, aside from that whole non-stop action thing.  It is the names that color the commentary and delight even the most boring of scholarly linguists or layman wordsters.

Monday, December 21, 2009

Monday Night Fights


When we pigs are not debating which sideline reporter had to "work" the hardest to obtain their position (it's Heidi Watney), or which female tennis player would be the best in the sack (it's Serena), we like to consider more serious, cultured matters such as, "Who would win in a fight?"

This week we got:

Belichick's decision to go for it on 4th down against the Colts in Week 10

vs.

Tomlin's decision to go for an onside kick while leading in week 15



32 Things


As you may or may not have noticed, this blog is strongly biased toward two things in life: football and music.  We try to unify the two in print as well as we do in our own minds, but these things do not necessarily translate all that well when traveling between the abstract to the tangible.  But this new segment appears to be prepped for success and understanding.  It combines our favorite sport with one of our favorite songs and the two get along just fine, even if it is also combined with one of our least favorite things; NFL recap posts.  Regardless, it's 32 Things!

Week 15 provided some of the most exciting developments of the entire season, certainly in the National Football League.  Therefore, we've invited John Gruden to provide us with some insights for all 32 teams prior to taking the booth tonight for the Monday night showdown.  Take it away, John...



Saints: Reggie Bush easily has one of the most tender vaginas in the land, certainly in the National Football League.

Browns: Now here's a team, left for dead, that has back-to-back victories, and is playing with a lot of swagger, certainly in the National Football League

Niners: Now Mike Singletary is religious man.  He believes that Jesus Christ wants him to beat people on the football field, which makes him one of the most delusional people, certainly in the National Football League

Friday, December 18, 2009

En Route: Spumonin'





















See what I did there?

Now we all know that Native Americans have had plenty of encounters with bears throughout the ages.  But Midwestern natives?  Pssht.  They don't know what to do after stepping into the bear cage.  And that the playing surface will be ice makes no difference to these caniforms.  A mauling is likely, there ain't enough war paint in the world that will make any difference.

Bruins - 4
Blackhawks - 3

I don't make the rules, but I do have to play by them.

When not considering the fate of mythical battles, consider the following:
Go B's

HEADLINES. . . !




Lebron steals fan's fries, fan's girlfriend's innocence...


Halladay preparing for Phillies debut with extensive battery-dodging exercises...


Charles Barkley fully prepared to give Tiger Woods gambling tips for the future...


Notre Dame rejects BIG 10 mediocrity, prefers independent mediocrity...


So far, only Saints blemish happens to be on Brees' face...


SEC Championship proves that Tim Tebow's tears do not, in fact, cure cancer...


Tiger on Elin's potential decision to divorce: I've had better...


Fuzzy Zoeller on Tiger's situation: Typical black male behavior...


Randy Moss proves doubters wrong by ripping bong hits in the New England locker room...


Pitchfork Media suffocates during apparent fellatio incident involving the musical group Animal Collective...

Friday Bonebag

/Friday Shitbag


Bonebag:

The man is simply a marvel.  MJD has some of the best vision in the entire league with respect to running backs.  He finds the hole and NEVER avoids contact with anyone on the defense.  And how about his ability to protect the quarterback?  Easily one of the best blocking backs in the league.  Two touches and over 100 yards rushing on the night for Pocket Hercules.

Thursday, December 17, 2009

THE SHEET®: Week 15


Sheety Bank?

As if we all do not have enough to deal with while trying to find the perfect gift for mom and dad that prove to them that we truly love them THIS much (sports parka for dad, framed picture for mom), we have this pressure compounded by what faces us in the fantasy football playoffs.

You okay, Michael Turner?

Still a shitbag, Royal?

You're about to fall back to earth aren't you, Jamaal?

And you know this is the time when someone falls apart, either through mere poor performance or the potential "time-off" scenario that may play out for both good and bad teams this year.  It's just too much to think about.

And then how could we forget the race to the black for THE SHEET®?  Ginger has locked up some cash for the year, but the three bottom-feeders are working hard... Well, Deuce and b. Lee are anyway... Well, make that b. Lee, exclusively.  For if beester takes it down this week, then there will be a 3-way tie for second place.  Honestly, so long as Gina doesn't win anymore, then it works for me.  So grab your Ginge voodoo dolls and poke away.  He might act like he disagrees, but he loves it... I promise.

Because we're coming... To your Sheet-ay!

Ever Taken a Bite...


... Of a shit sandwich?





















Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Daily, er, Weekly Bills


The Buffalo Bills are a sad sack organization. They have a great fanbase, but it is a tortured one. If the Bills aren't wallowing in the basement of the AFC East, well then they are off losing consecutive Super Bowls four at a time. Sadly, this is the most interesting point of note for the entire organization. Don't believe it? Well then allow us to extend an invitation so that you may find out for yourself. You are ALL invited to bear witness to the wretched hilarity that is the Buffalo Bills Daily calendar.

After a huge, HUGE victory for the Bills in Week 14, we're all feeling good here at FSD, so let's celebrate with a little kicking history shall we?  Always a bright topic for Bills fans...



Wednesday, December 16th


Bills Fact

Hungarian-born soccer-style kicker Pete Gogolak was an immediate hit in Buffalo in 1964.  He made a club record 19 field goals and scored 102 points as a rookie.  The next year, he was even better: 28 field goals and 115 points.

--
Amazing.  And if only the Bills had locked up Gogolak through the 2010 season, then maybe they would still have that outside shot at the playoffs.  At the moment, however, it isn't looking so good.

And while we here at FSD won't be bringing these interesting factoids... daily, we will do you the favor of cherry-picking the GEMS such as the one above, so that you are able to know only the truly important details concerning this sad bastard franchise. Until next time, Go Billies!

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Tiger is the New Ron Artest


Via RA Therapy



Dear Tiger,

THE SHEET®: Week 14 Results


Hit you with E-leven-E-leven-E-leven-E-leven-E-leven-E-leven-Even back do' little Joe.

May have been one or two extea "elevens" in there, but I think you get the idea.  11-5's across the board this week in an exhibition that not even a poor bastard Jables could mar.  Sadly, only one could take the cash.  But most all of us feel like winners this weekend, and for good reason.

Except me, I feel like garbage that has just been thrown up.  That's right.  Someone ate garbage, then realized that they ate garbage, felt ill as a result, and then purged said garbage from their belly.  That's me.  On the ground. Garbage bile.  Or Garbile... FUN WITH WORDS!

So please do forgive the content trickle flowing forth this week.  I'm trying to keep my physicial spew from interfering with my digital barf, and OH GOD... Forgive me.

Maybe Deuce will fulfill your insatiable lust for hostile sports verbiage, but since laughing hurts at the moment, let us not entertain such fatuous notions for very long.

Read it and sheet.

Monday, December 14, 2009

32 Things


As you may or may not have noticed, this blog is strongly biased toward two things in life: football and music.  We try to unify the two in print as well as we do in our own minds, but these things do not necessarily translate all that well when traveling between the abstract to the tangible.  But this new segment appears to be prepped for success and understanding.  It combines our favorite sport with one of our favorite songs and the two get along just fine, even if it is also combined with one of our least favorite things; NFL recap posts.  Regardless, it's 32 Things






Patriots: Unlike Randy Moss, FSD will never qu...

Jaguars: This team is not allowed into the playoffs.  We will support a 16-0 Colts season as long as it includes these jokers watching from home in January

Cowboys: Too bad Miles Austin's shit talking can't make up for the obvious lack of spirit from which this team suffers.

Friday, December 11, 2009

En Route: Shoppin'


Christmas is retarded.



Well, at least the process of it anyway.  The consumer feats that is on display is truly wonderful, and it wouldn't be a problem if the whole fandango was simply referred to as "The Consumer Feast".  Or maybe even, "The Feast of Consumers."  Either one works.  And either one would work more than this whole feigning of "spirituality."

On the Set of Invictus




Clint Eastwood brings in both Matt Damon and Morgan Freeman to read the script before shooting has even begun.  Morgan Freeman is solemn.  Matt Damon is confused.  Clint Eastwood is ornery.

CE: Okay fellas, let's run through this a little bit so we can all get comfortable with the subject matter.  Even today, the issue of Apartheid is still controversial and we need to respect the fact that the situation is tender within South Africa.  And we must also pay tribute to this fact.

Why Hockey is Better than your Favorite Sport


Because of this guy... (via Awful Announcing)



As if hockey names were not fun enough already (more on that later), and goals not exciting enough already, Randy Moller comes along and gives everyone a brand new reason to celebrate and anticipate the surge of emotion that arises from the basketed biscuit.

RIP Pittsburgh Steelers




Or rest uncomfortably and agitated, it doesn't really matter to me.

Thursday, December 10, 2009

THE SHEET®: Week 14

Lost up Sheet's Creek?

Welcome to the final Sheet gimmick (maybe) of the season.  Personally it is my favorite because it merges college and professional football into a giant clusterfuck of football euphoria.

It's Bowl Week, bitches!

The format of THE SHEET® is a little different this week, but just take a minute and let your eyes adjust.  First you will see the name of the Bowl which may or may not include a sponsor (eg. Virgin).  Below the Bowl name you will the monikers of the teams that will be participating.  To the right, you will find a brief explanation of why the Bowl exists and/or what the two teams accomplished to gain invite to said Bowl.

Sure, it is a little more complicated than the usual format, but we think you can handle it.  Then again, we're not surprised if you can't considering the underwhelming participation levels in our flagship feature.

We're goin bowlin...

And if you're still not jiving, well, we are still awaiting some commenter appeals to Deuce in the previous post... THE SHEET® takes a backseat to the existence of the blog itself... Logically enough.

A Note from the Editorer




As you may, or may not have, noticed, this site has seemingly been speaking with one voice lately. And well, there is good reason for that, for if you have been asking yourselves, "Where on planet fuck has Deuce been?" then I can understand your curiosity. Well, today marks the 3 month anniversary since Deuce's last honest contribution to Five Second Delay. Sure, he has played the role of Sheetmaster for a few weeks since then, but that is more of an honor more than any kind of labor.

Questions may follow: Is Deuce unhappy with the direction that FSD is heading?  Has there been a falling out between Deuce and b. Lee?  Has Deuce finally just given in and moved to San Francisco with his long-time, albeit secret boyfriend, shunning the sports-world and all of its remnants in the process?  Truthfully, and sadly with respect to the latter, we must respond in the negative to all three queries. 

The truth is Deuce is simply a lazy and relatively uninspired earthling rivaling only Oscar the Grouch and Jaba the Hut in terms of contribution and mobility.  And while we, well, I here at FSD would love some help in lifting this crass institution up from the throes of obscurity and into the brilliant light of passive acknowledgment, no amount of effort on my part has been successful with respect to inspiring any notion of responsibility or excitement regarding this blog's prospects in the eyes of one Deucey Loo.

So, I am now calling on you all... Faithful commenters... To make your own appeal to your second favorite blogger that happens to write for this very site.

So please, if you would, whether it be from the depths of the emotional, practical, or absurd, call to him, and bring him back... To me, to us, and someday, to the world.

Thank you.

Your Editorer...er,

b. Lee

Yikes


John Wall will eat your children.



He's often compared to Derrick Rose, due to this maturity as a freshman as well as because of his coach, but Wall appears to be a completely different player.  Less a pure point guard, Wall resembles Allen Iverson in-style as a shoot-first guard.  Which no one seems to have a problem with, well, at least in Kentucky.

It's just too bad he plays for such a douchebag, huh?

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

How Willie Shakes Out


We believe in two things and two things only here at FSD:

Sound advice & Accountability.

With that being said, we know this is your one-stop shop for all things fantasy sports.  Whether it is coming up with a name for your team, knowing to grab off the waiver wire, or planning your draft strategy, it is all here.  And prior to the start of the fantasy football season, we employed the services of high-borw fantasy laureate Willie Shakes in order to provide even better advice than we four (read: one) primates here at The Delay ever could.  So should Willie be employed in the future, or should we send him off to join the starving masses at the soup kitchen for the holidays? 

Let us allow his prognostications to make the decision for us:



Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Better Know a Contender?


You see what happens?

Do you see what happens when you punch a gloved opponent?

Apparently the victim gets traded for the crime.

And the culprit then pays for their crime...

THE SHEET®: Week 13 Results


First, an apology: Had I known that we were dealing with such a deadbeat, I would have never handed over the keys to the palace to that callous clown we know as Jables.  None of you deserved such brazen carelessness and it will not be tolerated.

Therefore, an action: Jables has been suspended from Week 14 of THE SHEET® and will also forego the weekly $5 entry fee.  Jables has broken an ancient code and our trust is retroactive.  I just thank the fates that b. Lee was able to pull down the pool this week, because otherwise... It's just too terrible to say.

Sure, Le Ginge will remain in the black for the duration of the season, but that doesn't mean that one of us can't get out of the red in order to join him.  But there can be only one...

Sheet yuh brains out.

Monday, December 7, 2009

Blogsturbation Monday


First, it was Belichick's decision to go for it on 4th down against the Colts, and since then, the NFL has less and less resembled the rational, conservative world that we are used to, and instead, resembles a free-wheeling video game with a seat-of-the-pants youth at the controls.  Yesterday, NFL teams combined for 34 fouthth-down attempts.  The scary thing is that almost 50% (14) of them were successful. The Saints-Redskins match, the highest scoring and longest affair of the day, featured only one 4th-down attempt.  Which failed, much like Belichick's continued efforts in make-or-break moments.

My Music Week was Better than Yours


Sure, the weather outside is about to get awfully inconsiderate, but still, pre-New Year has to be considered the most wonderful time of year.

Why?  Even if you're anti-Christmas (which, if you are, you're an idiot from any religio-socio perspective), there is still plenty to love about this season.  Whether it is the free vacation time, the fact that everyone become as lazy about work as I am, or the rapid rise in the consumption of booze, there is something for everybody!  Maybe with the exception of recovering alcoholics... Sorry.

But the real reason why I love this time of year is due to the retrospective window that opens as the year crawls to an end.  And this year is even better, because not only do we get to compile a Best of 2009, but we also get to make our Best of the 2000's, drawn up in the most self-serving of fashions to legitimize our own tastes and cast dispersions upon those foolish enough to have differing opinions.

32 Things


As you may or may not have noticed, this blog is strongly biased toward two things in life: football and music.  We try to unify the two in print as well as we do in our own minds, but these things do not necessarily translate all that well when traveling between the abstract to the tangible.  But this new segment appears to be prepped for success and understanding.  It combines our favorite sport with one of our favorite songs and the two get along just fine, even if it is also combined with one of our least favorite things; NFL recap posts.  Regardless, it's 32 Things!



Why? Because why?

Giants: Because when the bitter cold turns Coughlin's face even more red, the Giants play even harder.

Colts:  Because dude... They're still only the Titans

Niners: Because Frank Gore obviously didn't realize that the fantasy playoffs are right around the corner.

Friday, December 4, 2009

En Route: Punkin' Out


 

As in punkin' out.

Not in the way that I will be with Ted Leo and the Pharmacists this weekend, but more along the lines of, "Hey Jables, you doing THE SHEET® this week?  Or, are you punkin' out?"

Jables?

God damn you, Jables...

Countdown to 2010: Quick Draw Edition


AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!




The Punisher

Sure, the Mayweather-Pacquiao news has dominated the boxing world over the last few weeks and with good reason.  However, for those fearful of life after THE fight, I present to your Paul "The Punisher" Williams.  You may not have heard of him, and with good reason.  He's a 6'2" monster with a 7-foot reach known for punching in bunches.  He just so happens to be the most feared fighter in the realm of Middleweights.  As a result, no one really wants to fight him.

HEADLINES. . . !




Mama Artest: Pregnancy Led to Stress, Drinking...


Marion Hossa's divided loyalties surface when he shoots on own net...


Canada no longer accepting visa applications from upstate New York...


Iverson happy to be back where it all started, fell apart...


Tim Lincecum elated to accept such a "groovy" award...


Pacquiao-Mayweather now being prescribed as safe alternative to Viagra...


Lovie Smith on instant replay: I'm retarded...


Adrian Peterson cited for speeding, fumbles during sobriety test...


Racist Sammy Sosa attends benefit dinner in Whiteface...


Tiger Woods proves that only being half-Asian still a handicap while driving...


Thursday, December 3, 2009

Thursday Night Sheet-Storm, eh?


Or, Football Night in Canada

It is...



(-3)

At



sort of...

Call it in the air, hoser...

Wife Shopping with Tiger Woods




Tiger Woods and agent Mark Steinberg discuss recent events while at lunch early Thursday afternoon.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Man, I Wanna Be the GM, Man



Yesterday the Boston Bruins signed standout playmaker Marc Savard to a seven-year contract extension which will keep the talented centerman in black and gold through the 2015 season.  The deal was pretty reasonable as far as first-line centers go ($4.2 mil per year), but still, what the fuck?  This wouldn't be such a big issue, but based on some other recent signings, B's management seems intent on relegating the team to the middle of the pack for the next decade.  Savard is a great player, but has a reputation for being soft and just so happens to be on the wrong side of 30.

Rock CriDick: Threadbare by Port O'Brien


Before even pressing play on your iPod or player, before you even have the opportunity to decipher the lyrical presentation, and prior to the first note of the opening track, the listener has all kinds of signals that what is about to transpire will be a somber affair.  Whether it is the melancholic cover art, the In Memoriam displayed in the liner notes, or the title of the album itself, the participant should be aware that heartbreak, daddy issues, and occasional outbursts of unhinged emotion will follow once the disc starts spinning its swirl of oppressive darkness and resilient light.

Dear Charlie Weis


We here at Weiss Guys Car Wash in Phoenix, Arizona have been closely following your struggles as well as your recent misfortune for some time now.  We have been always been loyal Notre Dame fans, as we originally hail from northern Illinois, just outside Rockford.  We just feel terrible about your most recent setback and well, we just wanted to be the first one to offer you a new and exciting opportunity with us down here in the valley.

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

THE SHEET®: Week 12 Results


Let's play, If you were a football team, which team would you be?

New York Giants (b. Lee)

Sure you've had some success in recent years, but you just can't get your shit together this season, huh? Plantar Fasciitis, you say?  Major bullshiitis, we say.  Maybe that's the reason you can't run the ball and will finish the season somewhere around .500