THE SHEET®: Manifesto

Four years ago a rotating cast of 5 to 7 assholes came together to form what would become the rudimentary beginnings of a durable institution. This institution was centered around the NFL and gambling. It was essentially a revolving Pick 'Em league where each week, all 13 to 16 games would be laid out on a single white sheet of notebook paper, accompanied by the point spread per each contest. This sheet would then be passed around to that week's participants, scrolling our entries in pen on the raw, unadorned, and barely legible board.

In time, the players dropped to a small, yet formidable cast of 3. Although while the witnesses to this fledgling establishment lessened, the overall creative spirit would widen. Instead of jotting down the cities, states, and names of our picks, imaginations and experimentations in humor began to take flight. At first, we were hesitant, picking our spots only where we felt confident enough to land a laugh or even a slight smirk. But in time, our collective audacity would grow.

At a certain point, this consortium, then known as The Spreadsheet, in honor of it's resemblance to the Excel format, and out of respect for the mystique that such a generic name would preserve for our proud institution, would drift apart across various time zones within the continental United States. However, the power and draw of our project refused to die in lieu of our geographical isolation. And thanks for the convenience of modern technology, The Spreadsheet was maintained electronically, taking on a more polished appearance, but the tone, on the other hand, still refused refinement. For this exercise was an exercise in style rather than substance. We were not here to stimulate the brain, or even provide good advice, but more than anything, to garner a cheap belly laugh or two.

And the question has always been whether or not this institution can be made public. Gradually we have expanded the eligible participants from 3 to 4. A small step in terms of sheer quantity, but a large one with respect to fueling the spread of our low-brow fire. For it as this point in time, that we have decided to go public with this venture, even at the expense of our well-intentioned, collective conscience. And so with this full disclosure of our previously closeted initiative, we must offer our rules:


The rules of THE SHEET® are:


I. Bring the Funny

Now this isn't always possible. The rule really is try and be funny. Sometimes you swing and miss... Or most of the time if your name happens to be Le Ginge.


II. No actual team names allowed

The whole point of this shindig, aside from b. Lee robbing his co-conspirators for $15 a week, is to shake things up a bit. And so help me Tom, if the words "Redskins" or "Chiefs" appear on THE SHEET® unaccompanied by some kind of racially insensitive modifier, then there will be consequences. Fucking serious ones.


III. Do not repeat yourself (or anyone else!)

This is difficult considering the material. The Rams are a notoriously terrible team to work with, so the common default response is some kind of Super Troopers reference. Building upon a previously employed moniker is allowed, but only so long as you encouraging positive advancements in terms of it's propagation and survival.


IV. Picks are due by Midnight Pacific time on Sunday

Now Le Ginge usually handles this the best, but Jables on the other hand, well let's just say there have been issues. The corollary to this rule follows, that if a participant's picks are not presented in the appropriate format, then the Sheetmaster gets to present said picks in any fashion that he/she deems fit... With hilarious results.


V. *pointz Game

Is the tie-breaker each week. We try to pick a special game, whether it be a high or low-scoring affair of some kind, or a notable rivalry. Make sure to add the cumulative points total for the designated *pointz game.

$5 per week and that's it.
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THE SHEET® is the flagship for this entire idea incarnated as Five Second Delay. It is the reason we are here. Without it, this blog doesn't even exist. Respect it. Love it. Most importanly, improve on it.

Welcome to the show y'all.