Worst to First #2

The pre-season has begun and our collective semi-bone is creating a bulge that neither sandbags nor concrete dam could prevent from exploding in less than a month's time. With that said, allow us to stroke the fire, so to speak, and preview all 32 teams. Beginning with who we think will suck the most, and ending with who we think will suck the best.

Clean up in aisle 2. Deuce shit himself in the candy aisle again.

Reverse Psychology


And now for the portion of Worst to First where we attempt to openly jinx a team that we openly despise.

The Giants are a fantastic ball club. Even when they stole the Super Bowl from the would-be best team ever, they were still a great team. Solid defense, sneaky offense, red-faced coach. How can anyone even compete with that? Short answer: they can't. No one can.

I am sure the Giants won't suffer from the loss of arguably their best running back (and non-arguably best receiving running back). Nope, Ahmad Bradshaw will definitely be able to fill that role, even if his fumbles outnumbered his touchdowns 2-1, last year... And literally.

And I have no doubts that brittle Brandon Jacobs will be able to play the full season, even if, for some unthinkable reason, Bradshaw cannot step to the plate. I mean, he's due for a full, healthy season right? I just don't see anything that can hurt him this year. Not even that upright running style that exposes his knees to heavy impact...

And besides, Eli just signed a huge contract. There is no way that he rests on his laurels. No, sir. The man wants to show management that he deserves all that money, and so he is going to go out and earn it. And with that Antiquing binge he no doubt went on after his first payday, he should be a happy boy come each and every Sunday.

No Plaxico? No problem. For management went out and drafted ACC phenom Hakeem Nicks. Should just be a matter of time before he is making cornerbacks fall on their faces and catching heartbreaking touchdowns in the corner of the end zone. One thing is for certain, if the Giants keep up that breakneck 197 yard passing average, then I don't care what defense they are going up against, they will not be stopped. Never!

But the real story of the Giants is on the defensive side of the ball. And who knows maybe the return of Osi Umeniyora will actually improve an already top 10 defense. A defense that last year allowed fewer than 100 yards rushing per game, and fewer than 200 yards passing per game. A defense that only allows 18 points per game... Yeah, so maybe, they will be better.

God, this got really depressing all of a sudden.

Okay, look; the Giants are fucking good. But, they also happen to play in the best division in all of football (Texans aren't as good as advertised, Colts are better, but either way, fuck the AFC South). This means that the Giants are going to need some serious help on both sides of the ball. If the defense continues to be a beast, then it should pretty much assure them entry into January (to name one place). However, if the offense doesn't improve, then that will be as far as they go. The loss of Bradshaw is a significant one, and based on recent fantasy drafts Hakeem Nicks' expectations league-wide may be a little inflated at the moment.

But, considering the Giants are the very reason why I am stuck in a prison of bias, and why you will have to listen to Patriots-heavy diatribes all Fall and Winter long, I hope this team goes down in flames. Fucking BIG flames. But to be honest, I don't see that happening. Instead, I see them playing the Chargers in the Super Bowl, and gulp, winning it all.

A man can still hate can't he?