The pre-season has begun and our collective semi-bone is creating a bulge that neither sandbags nor concrete dam could prevent from exploding in less than a month's time. With that said, allow us to stroke the fire, so to speak, and preview all 32 teams. Beginning with who we think will suck the most, and ending with who we think will suck the best.
Thou shalt honor thy team, b. Lee.
O Captain. My Captain.
A fan's relationship with his/her head coach can often be a tenuous affair. We question their every move. Why didn't you sign Player A? Why did you trade Player B? What on earth were you think calling a draw on 3rd and 8 from the opposing 40? We needed a field goal! Why the fuck didn't you draft Maualuga?! And most all of these questions occur before the actual season has even begun.
But in a place like New England, it has become very difficult to question anything that Bill Belichick has ever done... And I mean fucking EVER.
Beli-dat came to the Pats in 2000 after an ever-so-shady departure from the Jets (apples never fall too far from the Parcells tree), and did not get off to the greatest of starts, leading the Pats to a 5-11 record. However, since that time, the Patriots have enjoyed 8 consecutive winning seasons, including 6 (minus 1 because BFF fucked it all up as usual) playoff appearances, 4 trips to the Super Bowl, and over the last 6 years an average record of 13-3. Yikes.
The amazing part is when you look at the rosters that the Patriots were bringing into each season. Quick; aside from Tom Brady and Adam Vinatieri (a kicker?), name a stud from the 2001 Super Bowl team...
Maybe you said Ty Law? Antowain Smith? Roman Phifer? Troy Mother Fucking Brown (can't say Troy Brown without those two words in the middle. NFL law.)? Well, they did have Richard Seymour and his 3.0 sacks that year, so that was pretty huge. But, just look at that team. They had no business even being in the playoffs, let alone carrying home the famed football phallus of champions.
And aside from the 2007 team that did NOT win a Super Bowl, what was ever so special about the Patriots' personnel? A Twilit Corey Dillon, a flash-in-the-pan Deion Branch, midget Bruschi, Visa's 5 layers of protection, and Daniel Graham. Of course, I am leaving out the Son of God, but I think the point is clear. And aside from our beloved celestial spirit, the one enduring aspect of this franchise has been it's head coach... The sleeveless wonder... The hooded warrior... "Verbal" Bill Belichick.
People hate this guy. I mean like, really fucking hate this guy. And with good reason. What with spygate, his complete lack of interest in being interesting or revealing, and his general dickishness, there ain't much to like if your horse happens to reside in a different NFL city. But, if you are a Patriots fan, then there ain't nothing this mother fucker can do wrong... Look at the record, check out the rings, and how about my quarterback?
You let Asante go? He probably wanted too much money.
You traded Richard Seymour? I'm sure you had a good reason.
You fucked my wife? I probably had it coming.
Chad fucking Jackson? He must have discovered crack or meth after the draft.
YOU DIDN'T DRAFT MAUALUGA?!? Fuck... He's probably soft, or something, I guess.
Yet through all of these perceived missteps, the Pats are still expected to be Super Bowl contenders this year. The secondary is weak? It's always been weak and yet the Patriots have had a top 10 defense just about every year he has been in town. The running game lacks a game-breaker? It has always lacked a game-breaker and yet the offense, even when led by the backup quarterback is still lights out. Tom Brady is getting Crows' Feet around the eyes? Shit man, even the Mona Lisa is falling apart and yet he's still better looking than you.
Point is, Bill Belichick could probably talk me into fucking myself, and I would have no reason to believe that it isn't in my best interest. The Patriots should have 5 different place kickers on the roster, and no backup corners? If you say so, buddy. Brady is losing a step and needs to be replaced? Whoa, now... Take a deep breath and table that little notion. But even if things do start getting really weird and it comes to the point where Coach Belichick needs to be removed from the front office in a strait-jacket, I'll probably still be calling for his services three years after the fact, even resorting to Bottle Rocket-looney bin breaks to get him back on the sidelines.
We don't worship false gods around here. We're of puritanical legacies. We worship results! And in lieu of this religion, we live by a strict observance:
In Bill We Trust.
A fan's relationship with his/her head coach can often be a tenuous affair. We question their every move. Why didn't you sign Player A? Why did you trade Player B? What on earth were you think calling a draw on 3rd and 8 from the opposing 40? We needed a field goal! Why the fuck didn't you draft Maualuga?! And most all of these questions occur before the actual season has even begun.
But in a place like New England, it has become very difficult to question anything that Bill Belichick has ever done... And I mean fucking EVER.
Beli-dat came to the Pats in 2000 after an ever-so-shady departure from the Jets (apples never fall too far from the Parcells tree), and did not get off to the greatest of starts, leading the Pats to a 5-11 record. However, since that time, the Patriots have enjoyed 8 consecutive winning seasons, including 6 (minus 1 because BFF fucked it all up as usual) playoff appearances, 4 trips to the Super Bowl, and over the last 6 years an average record of 13-3. Yikes.
The amazing part is when you look at the rosters that the Patriots were bringing into each season. Quick; aside from Tom Brady and Adam Vinatieri (a kicker?), name a stud from the 2001 Super Bowl team...
Maybe you said Ty Law? Antowain Smith? Roman Phifer? Troy Mother Fucking Brown (can't say Troy Brown without those two words in the middle. NFL law.)? Well, they did have Richard Seymour and his 3.0 sacks that year, so that was pretty huge. But, just look at that team. They had no business even being in the playoffs, let alone carrying home the famed football phallus of champions.
And aside from the 2007 team that did NOT win a Super Bowl, what was ever so special about the Patriots' personnel? A Twilit Corey Dillon, a flash-in-the-pan Deion Branch, midget Bruschi, Visa's 5 layers of protection, and Daniel Graham. Of course, I am leaving out the Son of God, but I think the point is clear. And aside from our beloved celestial spirit, the one enduring aspect of this franchise has been it's head coach... The sleeveless wonder... The hooded warrior... "Verbal" Bill Belichick.
People hate this guy. I mean like, really fucking hate this guy. And with good reason. What with spygate, his complete lack of interest in being interesting or revealing, and his general dickishness, there ain't much to like if your horse happens to reside in a different NFL city. But, if you are a Patriots fan, then there ain't nothing this mother fucker can do wrong... Look at the record, check out the rings, and how about my quarterback?
You let Asante go? He probably wanted too much money.
You traded Richard Seymour? I'm sure you had a good reason.
You fucked my wife? I probably had it coming.
Chad fucking Jackson? He must have discovered crack or meth after the draft.
YOU DIDN'T DRAFT MAUALUGA?!? Fuck... He's probably soft, or something, I guess.
Yet through all of these perceived missteps, the Pats are still expected to be Super Bowl contenders this year. The secondary is weak? It's always been weak and yet the Patriots have had a top 10 defense just about every year he has been in town. The running game lacks a game-breaker? It has always lacked a game-breaker and yet the offense, even when led by the backup quarterback is still lights out. Tom Brady is getting Crows' Feet around the eyes? Shit man, even the Mona Lisa is falling apart and yet he's still better looking than you.
Point is, Bill Belichick could probably talk me into fucking myself, and I would have no reason to believe that it isn't in my best interest. The Patriots should have 5 different place kickers on the roster, and no backup corners? If you say so, buddy. Brady is losing a step and needs to be replaced? Whoa, now... Take a deep breath and table that little notion. But even if things do start getting really weird and it comes to the point where Coach Belichick needs to be removed from the front office in a strait-jacket, I'll probably still be calling for his services three years after the fact, even resorting to Bottle Rocket-looney bin breaks to get him back on the sidelines.
We don't worship false gods around here. We're of puritanical legacies. We worship results! And in lieu of this religion, we live by a strict observance:
In Bill We Trust.
Did you get both his phalus and his scrotal sac into your mouth all at once?
ReplyDeleteGod it's like a bad story line from a youporn deepthroat video.