What Not to Wear, pt. 2

Or more Specifically, what not to do at your local purveyor of sports entertainment.

Entering your local sports bar on a Sunday morning is a tenuous affair.  Particularly if you are not from the area.  Whether or not you will actually be able to view your game depends on a number of circumstances.  But regardless of whether or not you actually get to watch your specific game or not, there are a few obvious actions that you need to avoid before entering the bar.

1.  In reference to the previous post, the same fashion laws still apply before heading to the bar.  Do not double up, the shirt needs to be up-to-date, no pink, etc.  Sure, when in hostile territory, you want to raise your flag, sporting your team colors, as if you were Derek Vinyard on your first day at county.  But honestly, don't you think the fact that you are sitting in front of a television that is airing the Ravens game lets everyone else in the bar aware of the fact that you are either A) a Ravens' fan or B) a fan of the Ravens' opponent?  And just what is the point of wearing a replica jersey at the bar anyway?  I understand that Halloween occurs within the season, but this isn't an excuse to celebrate it every weekend.

Here's a few a buffalo wings, little Jimmy.  Now get the fuck off my porch.


And to the gentlemen wearing the Darren Sharper purple; you got a lot of growing up to do.

2.  If you are arriving at the bar anytime after 1:30PM EDT (12:30PM CDT, 11:30AM MDT, 10:30AM PDT, well, actually, maybe not on the West coast, since no one really cares to be on time there anyway) on Sunday, then you have no right to any television in the whole establishment.  You screwed up, soldier and you are now shit out of luck.  Feel free to take a walk around the joint, wait for the game to return from commercial break, but DON'T YOU FUCKING DARE JUST ASK FOR THE GAME TO BE PUT ON.

Yes, I am watching this television.  Yes, I do mind if you put the Rams game on.  I happen to be pretty enthralled by this Saints-Giants game, and besides, not even Marc Bulger's mother wants to watch him throw interceptions against the Bears defense.  Nice Faulk jersey, guy.

This is unmitigated audacity and it will not be tolerated in this place of worship.  If you were really interested, I mean REALLY interested, well then you would have been here on time, dawg.  And besides going the to bar to watch just one game?  What a shackled life you lead.

3.  Should you be lucky enough to get your game on the board, and/or smart enough to get to the bar prior to the starting gun, then there are some questions of etiquette.  If you happen to be outside of your support circumference; meaning that you like the Cowboys, but are not even in the state of Texas, then you need to temper your reactions when you are a guest in someone else's pleasure zone:

a. The only time you get to clap is after a serious play.  Mere completions and first downs do not count.  Unless of course the game is on the line.  But by 3:30 PM EDT, everyone is sufficiently drunk and loud enough to not even notice your hand percussion.  So by all means, make like you're at a Dave Matthews Band concert and clap to the convulsing of your own lack of rhythm.

b. The only time serious noise should come out your mouth is on a HUGE play.  Touchdowns, 25+ yard runs, 30+ yard passing plays, Interceptions, fumble recoveries and MONSTER hits.  And of course, feel free to let out utter gasps of anguish whenever your team suffers an ill-fated turn of events.  These are always acceptable regardless of who you support.  Any yelp, howl, or cry on an 7-yard rush or an 8-yard post play can only be considered to be a call for attention.  And since we have no room for such insecurity, these displays should be grounds for removal from the bar.

If you are at the bar in support of the local sports team of choice, then make whatever noises you fucking please.  A conversion on 3rd and 2?  Make out with that lesbian next to you.  A 25-yard punt return?  Whip out your dick and slap it on the table.  A touchdown?  Shit, go right ahead and smash your half full pint glass against the wall.

4.  But if you do happen to be a local patron of this sports bar, supporting the 2, 3, or 4 teams from the area, do not fucking dare mess with the sanctity of Sunday football.  Oh, the Sox and Yankees are playing in the most meaningless game since the Grapefruit league ended?  Who gives a shit?  Your desire to watch this event is the most misplaced and dismissable on the planet at the moment.  Want to watch the Yanx?  Go home.

Remember, the trip to the bar on Sunday is a shared experience, but not quite the same as being at the stadium.  For there are no assigned seats, we do not need to huddle together to stay warm, and we sure as shit aren't on the same side.  And to avoid any unnecessary confrontations, a tragedy of the commons, and god forbid, annoyance of myself, we should all just stick to these rules outlined above.  And if you don't think so, well then I got a few glass hats made up just for you and your buddies.