Political Schill

Hi, I'm Curt Schilling. Maybe you remember me from such non-political affairs as the 2001 World Series, the 2004 World Series, the 2007 World Series, and of course, the Dennis and Callahan show. However, today I would like to speak with you about another pursuit that is near and dear to my heart; douche-wing politics.

Now, a lot of people ask me all the time, "Curt, you're merely the greatest post-season pitcher in MLB history. What makes you fit to hold political office.?" And I am always glad when I get this question, even if the answer is already blatantly obvious.

First off, I'm smarter than everyone. Can you not tell from my smug, pretentious manners that I'm pretty confident in my abilities to discern between good and bad, right and wrong, as well as my ability to sway your opinions so that in the end they will align with my own? I think you will have to agree. And, my friends, if Washington needs more of anything, it's arrogance and self-righteousness. For It i this kind of "outside-the-beltway" thinking that is going to get things moving in the right direction, you know?

Secondly, I'm better than everyone, most notably any liberal blowhard that has ever walked the earth. And you need me in Washington, so I can stand up to that tyrannical socialist who intends to erase all the positive gains that we made under the Reagan Administration when he dismantled the Welfare State. Rest in peace, Uncle Ron. Because if he doesn't think, pardon my language here, that his shit doesn't stink. Well, just wait until he gets a whiff of my magic muffins... Smells like pot roast.

And you know what else? I have guts. AMERICAN GUTS! I mean, did you not see what I did in game 6 of the ALCS back in 2004? Ted Kennedy couldn't fulfill his duties as Senator when all he had was a wee little brain tumor. Yet I'm out there pouring out my soul for the world to see. I can barely WALK, let alone pitch. Tell you what, if I ever have a tumor, doc, remove some of my skull to relieve the pressure, slap me in a wheelchair, and get me to the Capitol, okay? Because the enemies of America will not wait until I come off the DL to attack!

Lastly, Just look at my background. I was born in Alaska, single-handedly preventing the Reds from knocking down our door and ruining our freedom party. Then, once I'm satisfied that Ivan is gonna remain on his side of the Strait, I shoot down to Arizona, rifle in hand, ensuring that Manuel and company don't get any big ideas about free healthcare, since Paul Byrd and company are too busy trying to preserve the rights of illegals rather than those of our own American citizens.

Think about it... Alaska-Arizona. Where else have you witnessed such an inspirational combination?

That's right. Except this time, we will not be denied. Why not? Because look at me. I'm a fucking LEGEND. The people of Boston will drop their left-wing charade as soon as I step to the podium, because PEOPLE.. We got work to do. No way these Massholes will tolerate anymore free reign pinkoism from this NEIGHBOR in the White House.

The time is now, my friends. And so, I am throwing my hat into the ring so that I may fill the enormous void left by that overprivileged disgrace to our forefathers.

For more information, please my visit my new, political blog at www.45presidents.com.

It's not "Yes We Can" folks. It's "Yes We Will". And there ain't a damn thing anyone can do about it.