En Route: Pinchin'

Man, fuck weddings.  If you want to throw a celebration, then why is it my responsibility to foot the bill?  A gift?  Sure, I can get you and your eventual ex a gift. Just don't go making demands about how much that gift has to be worth.  The real gifts should come from the people that really love you.  I mean, as soon as you're married, we're barely friends anymore because then you're always "spending time with the wife", or you have "house stuff to do", or going to the hospital because "little Jimmy's got swine flu and might die as a result."  Save it, suckbag.  You just robbed me of a few hundred dollars for your bachelor party and your wedding and now I don't even get to call you a cocksucker to your face anymore.  Just doesn't seem fair to me.

Anyway, as a result of this wedding rash, I'm left paying for the morning coffee with quarters and dimes and roasting resin whackers until a migraine is induced (Which really doesn't take all that long).  And as a young "professional", let's just say the money bags haven't quite found their way to my doorstep yet.  Is there a worse time of life than the mid-to-late 20's?  You busted your first nut more than half-your-life ago, college has completely faded from the rearview mirror, and now you actually have to spend what little money you do make on other people.  Bring on the adult diapers and the alka seltzer as far as I'm concerned, because this shit sucks.

But if you happen to find yourself in the fortunate situation of not having to do things because other people want to do them, and actually have a little time to yourself, then allow me to recommend the following:

• Since basketball season is semi-sorta-on the way, here's a piece about how basketball teams are like families, and how the best way to ensure early childhood development is to kick the black sheep out of the house, as early on as possible. 

• Apparently the rest of the world has not been receptive to the fact that Americans don't really like soccer all that much, or something.  And in outright defiance, the world continues to follow it. 

• Sean Salisbury: insane, semi-literate.  Even in a Lolspeak kind of way. 

• The Cold War is alive and well, my friends.  I always knew we were vulnerable on the professional sports-front. 

• And fishing for a savior to Baseball Tonight in the calm, mystical waters of... Japan?

And in all seriousness, fuck weddings.