Runnin' On Empty

8:15: It's football night in America! Everybody in America is excited about it!

Ev-ry-bod-YYYYYY!!!

8:20: My eyes are still recovering from the assault port forth by the Seahawks uniform committee, but I think I can still go on. Yep, I think I've located the visual motion box that is my flat screen. So yeah, I should be able to go on.

So long as Deuce comes to my assistance...

Deuce?

What the fuck, man?

He's in the bathroom?

He droppin' heat?

He's douching?

Hmm... Makes sense, I guess.

8:22: Faith, you're beautiful and I know they're not giving you much to work with, but please stop singing.

8:25: Monday-Sunday is a very short week, eh, Al? Technically it is the shortest week possible. But it's good to know that pre-emptive excuses are being made.

Right, Deuce?

Oh god, the flow just won't stop.

8:29: In honor of the largest demographic in the Phoenix metro area, speak to me, Telemundo.

8:30: "The biggest thing for us is Jesus, etc", says Kurt daddy.

8:33: The Colts are going for 12 straight regular season wins and 0 straight playoff wins.

8:35: Where exactly is UNC located, Jeff Saturday?

Thanks, you predictable asshole.

8:37: I was in a fantasy draft where Tim Hightower was drafted in the 14th round and not by me. Nope, I thought future all-pro Josh Morgan was a better bet.

8:43: University of Phoenix stadium looks like an inflatable igloo.

8:48: 4 straight 3 n' outs? We could have a long game on our hands...

8:53: Make that 5... Fuuuuuck.

8:55: Charles Rogers' favorite player is Joseph Addai.

8:58: A First Down!  Sweet Jesus...

8:59: Isn't it weird that major media networks pay more attention to Twitter than us non-media types do?  And then they try to play it off as if it were nothing big, even though they took up a good two minutes discussing the matter?  Here's to integrity!

9:01: Hey look, ESPN is curiously re-playing the Red Sox-Yankees game from earlier today.

What? Jews don't do DVR?

9:04: The Colts were legitimately concerned about Gonzo's durability, so they went ahead and drafted the most similar receiver available in the draft in Austin Collie.

9:05: PICK!!!

9:06: If Rodgers-Cromartie gets married, and his wife doesn't want to assume his name, but chooses to hyphenate her name, AND, her surname is already hyphenated, then... What the fuck?

It's a slippery slope of vast proportion and implication.  Let's get serious modern bitches.  Accept the new name, or leave it be.

9:09: How shitty is it to be in the secondary against the Cardinals?  Not only do you have to bomb around all game chasing the likes of Boldin, Breaston and Fitz-o, but then you actually have to tackle these beasts after the catch... Gross.

You know what would be a great name for a blog?  Kissing Andrea Kremer.  Mainly, because it is my fantasy.  And for no other reason at all.

9:13: FUMBLE!!!

Hightower, you average 2.5 yards per carry.  The least you can do is hold onto the ball while you barely break the line of scrimmage.

9:15: Wait wait wait, Cialis... DON'T drink alcohol before having sex?  You mean that you expect me to have sex with my wife and/or secretary stone sober?  The moment is RIGHT, when I'm DRUNK.

You hear me?!?!

Not, fix it...

9:19: Colts fans still wearing sunglasses and applying sunblock, even with the roof closed.

9:22: Touchdown Colts.

That was so sick.  Reggie Wayne is having a serious season so far.  Not that he was bad last year, but it's as if he has fully assumed MarHar's old role on this team.

And why isn't Arizona double covering him?  Fine, Clark deserves respect, but Wayne does the damage for this team... Lock it up.

9:23: It's way better than fast food. It's fast food!

9:29: Come on, you old ass man!

9:31:  What's the story with the Steelers?  I mean, the Dildo had a decent day from the backfield and they still couldn't put points on the board.  And they lost to the Bengals...  That ain't right.

What do you think about that, Deuce?

Oh my god, are you crying?

9:32: Garcon means boy

9:34: Wayne; still wide open.  Still not sure why.

9:35: Collinsworth calling both teams out for falling for play-action over and over again.  And rightly so.

9:36: Clark gets the Touch in what could be the beginning of the end as far as the competitive nature of this game goes.

9:37: NOUGATIERI!  Rebuked!

Orrrr not.

His PAT is partially blocked and hits the camera that rests at the base of the uprights.

The commercials ARE true...

9:40:  The Red Zone: Mama Deucey's busted vag after a 3-hour session with Beast Lee.

9:41:  Could anyone run the ball behind this AZ offsensive line?  Honestly, even AP would struggle behind this porous speed bump

9:42:  Say it again, Cardinals faithful?

Yeah, sorry.  It's gonna take more than 4 sold out games before you earn the right to chastise your "home" team.  Chumps.

9:44:  I fucking love zombie movies.  They're the only horror movies that consistently work. Unless of course you are a horror film, fan.  In which case, you consistently suck.

9:46: Coors commercials: funny in a "that retarded kid just shit himself kind of way"

9:46: Ball game.

I can't believe I even considered taking the Cardinals in this game... And not only did I consider them, but I actually took them.

Fuck.

And Garcon still means boy.

9:48: Bobblehead Collinsworth should probably continue to work his neck muscles for the rest of his life.  It could become rather awkward if at some point he needs to broadcast games live from his left shoulder, or with a permanent halo.

9:50:  All right, AZ.  Air that shit out and let me salvage some fantasy points from this blowout.

9:51:  His name is Urban... That's ironic.

9:55:  Warner to the end zone... Picked!  No, bobbled!  Tipped!  PICKED!!!

I said ball game already did I not?

9:56: Driving west on I-10 out passed Glendale is one of the most frustrating drives in all of America.  Beige-ish stucco split-levels line the highway, are so uniform, and exits are so sparse, that it is damn near impossible to determine if you are actually making any progress in your journey.

Phoenix, AZ: Single-handedly responsible for the recession!

Deuce knows what I'm talking about.  Right, buddy?

/grrrroooooooooooooooaaannnnnn

10:02: Sorry, needed a powder break and another beer.  What did I miss?

Keith Olbermann's humorous brand of ambush liberlism?  Damn it!

10:04: But just in time for some more New York Jets... awkwardness?

Looks like Bob Costas began the blow job with a little too much toothiness, but smooths it out in the end.

God damn you, Rex Ryan.  I try and find every reason to dislike you, but you make it really fucking difficult.

Can't be sure if Bob is a swallower or not, but if Rexy came, then Bob handled it like the pro we all know him to be.

10:07: TRAUMA!

Location: Catastrophe, USA.

Time period: The Apocalypse!

General tone:  Confusing Extremism!

10:10: Things I learned during half-time:

Kurt Warner says grace before each and every snap

I never need to watch night-time NBC television on any other night than Sunday.

I can masturbate in a very short period of time.

10:11:  Thanks, Andrea... For nothing.

10:15:  For Anquan Boldin, EVERY guitar solo is face-melting.

10:16:  There he is... And Marcus Fitzgerald is NOT happy.

10:18: I need the name and address of the advertising agency that handles Bud Light's marketing schema... I just want to talk, I promise.

10:20: Wayne Enterprises:  Open for business.

AZ actually tries to blitz on the next play, but Indy wisely calls a run.

Bastards.

10:21: "Peyton misfiring".  Hehe... Sounds about right.

10:24:  Something tells me that we're not going to hear much about the Cardinals defense much after tonight.

10:25:  That's what you get for leaving the Patriots!!!

Yes, I am extremely spiteful to the point of being high-strung.
 
10:30: Oh!  Shades of Brady and Moss misconnections from earlier in the day.  Throw the ball UP!

10:35: Gandy is a slang term for the railroad workers of America in the early 1900's according to Wikipedia.

Not sure if it refers to Chinese immigrants or southern chain gangs... Either way, I like it.

10:38: Ball game again... Addai scores.

10:43: Chris Rock; the eternal Affirmative Action derived talk show guest.

10:46:  Another Marcus Fitzgerald reference... And not from me!

10:48: Breaston would have had over 100 yards or receiving after that catch.  Would have being the operative phrase.

10:49:  Jim and Pam are finally together... And The Office has officially run it's course.

10:50: Audis are SO unconventional and edgy.  Especially black ones.

10:51: Absolutely nothing has gone right for the Cards tonight, and there are no signs of that trend changing.

But with Fitzy, Boldin, and Breaston, one has to wonder what the fucking problem is...

And then you can stop wondering as soon as you watch their offensive line try to block.  It's sad.

10:55: R-C and Garcon mix it up a little on the sidelines.  R-C's personal foul may have somehow been the best play he's made all night.

10:58: I have absolutely no confidence in Addai's ability to run the ball this season

11:01: Chargers and the Burgh next week.  Pitt loses that game and their season is on the brink.

11:03: Budweiser is largely the reason behind my opposition to monarchical governance.

11:06: I saw a dude at the bar today that was wearing a Seahawks hat and fleece.  Then, he took the fleece off and had a Seahawks t-shirt on underneath. 

Seriously; what the fuck were you thinking when you left the house?  You look like a second-grader on Flag Day.  Except this time, there is neither reward nor benefit for your overkill.

11:07:  Oh yeah, this here game still sucks, etc. etc.

11:08.  McDonald's!  Your shit ain't even cheap anymore!  And I'm not even talking, "retroactively, the summation of your health insurance costs accrued directly from poor dietary habits will cost you in the long run." I mean that their fucking value meals are over $6 now.  6 bucks for that bullshit?!

And why do I know this?  Don't you judge me.

11:11:  When Al Michaels lose focus, I lose focus.

11:12: Did you know that in Massachusetts, Geico insurance is not available?  Can you believe that shit?  All I want to do is reward a company for making generally enjoyable commercials which in no way reflect their ability to provide a good service, and I am not even capable of doing so.

11:16: Oh, cool.  Season premiere of Dexter is recorded.

What?  Oh, they're still playing.

11:17:  Warner has suddenly got a case of the Bradys.

11:20:  Not sure I got the juice to get through this barn burner.

Hahaha... Warner sacks himself for a loss of 30 yards.

Easily my favorite quarterback to watch scramble since Transfusion Drew fled the scene.
 
11:22: Oh shit, brah Leinart is coming in?

Puke and rally, brahhh!

11:24:  Yes, the Colts did just go for it on 4th and 8, while up by 21, and with 3 minutes to go in the game.

Oh, and they converted easily.

11:26: Chris.  Al.  Stop, please.

6 days of rest is plenty, and besides, wasn't everyone making a big deal about how the Colts only ran like a play and a half from scrimmage on offense?  Sounds to me like they should be a little more rested than usual for this one.

11:29: Tick... Tick... Tick...

11:30: BRAH!

Nice 4-yard pass, brah.

All that bitch wrote, folks.  I'll go check on Deuce.  The rest of you, enjoy whatever is left of this ever-so brief weekend.