Worst to First #7

The pre-season has begun and our collective semi-bone is creating a bulge that neither sandbags nor concrete dam could prevent from exploding in less than a month's time. With that said, allow us to stroke the fire, so to speak, and preview all 32 teams. Beginning with who we think will suck the most, and ending with who we think will suck the best.

Look! Up in the sky!

It's a Cheeto!

It's a David Caruso!

No!

It's Le Ginge!


Best Friends Forever


There hasn’t been this much excitement surrounding the Purple since 1998. This team has been in the headlines for most of the off-season, and will try and stay in the headlines this upcoming football season. The Minnesota Vikings have been talked about constantly on every sports medium for the last 4 months. All that talk has centered on the so-called, “Self-Centered” QB known to most as #4.

That’s Right!! BFF has finally made his decision to come out of his 2nd annual retirement and guide the Vikings’ ship to the destination they haven’t been to in over 30 years, The Super Bowl. Frankly, I don’t care if he purposely skipped training camp, is a diva or was a fudge-Packer… I just care that he is not T-Jack. Last season ended with T-Jack’s patented “Pick Six” against the Eagles in the playoffs, and there is no worse feeling coming into a new year, than knowing that your QB is shakier than myself after this three-day holiday bender.

Aspirations and expectations are high for this squad. But are they valid? What is a successful season? What is a failure? Lets take a look at the recent history of this once proud franchise for more insight.

Historically we all associate the Vikings with a dominant defense and “The Purple People Eaters” but over the last 15+ years, this franchise has been all about offense. Dennis Green took over as head coach in 1992. Within a few years he assembled an offensive force. Randy Moss, Robert Smith, Chris Carter, “3 Deep”, the NFL’s single season points record (since eclipsed by the Pats in 2007) set in 1998. This led to nothing but high hopes, heartache, and let downs – thanks Gary Andersen (nice effing kick).

That all changed when Zygi Wilf bought the franchise from a used car dealer named Red McCombs. McCombs ran the team on the cheap and was always well under the leagues salary cap. Despite the small payroll, the Vikings continued an offensive philosophy and a respectful record in most seasons, but never reaching that elusive Super Bowl.

Enter Wilf and his deep pockets. He brought in Brad “Chilly” Childress as head coach to shape up a dysfunctional bunch of misfits and prima donnas. Fresh off an infamous “Love Boat” scandal that left the franchise scarred, and many hookers and strippers sore, the Vikings were in an all out franchise rebuilding mode. Changing to a Tampa 2 defense under Mike Tomlin, the Vikings have become the #1 rushing defense in the NFL over the last few seasons. The Pass defense has steadily improved as well making this current overall unit, one of the best in Vikings History.

The defensive line boasts 2 Star (cap) defensive tackles: Pat and Kevin Williams. These two have meshed perfectly over the years forming a solid interior that opposing teams don’t even try to penetrate any more. Add in high priced trade acquisition Jared “Mullet” Allen and Ray Edwards on the ends, and you have the best defensive line in the league. Some teams may have better ends, but no team has the overall force the Vikings do.

The Linebackers have been built through the draft and free agency. Chad Greenway and Ben Leber on the outside are very versatile and very solid. Greenway is in position to make a run at the Pro-bowl after leading the team in tackles last season with 115. The main reason he lead the team…EJ Henderson, the former Butkus award winner was lost for the 2008 season. Henderson was slow to develop, but he has come on as maybe the NFC’s best. Henderson had a great 2007 recording 118 tackles and in 2008 had 27 tackles in just over 3 games, a pace of nearly 144 for the season. If you do nothing else while watching this defense, focus on #56. A true leader and beast, this guy will seriously EAT YOUR CHILDREN! These linebackers are perhaps the best set in the entire NFL.

With all the accolades of the front 7, the back 4 is where this defense may be vulnerable. The corners are physical and have great run stopping abilities. Highlighted by 2008 Pro Bowler Antoine Winfield, maybe the toughest pound for pound player in the league. For all that run stuffing prowess however, they do have their shortcomings in pass defense. Untested younger corners and nickelbacks, along with a new-look safety duo thanks to Darren Sharper’s departure. This defense may be in trouble if the front 7 doesn’t apply the pressure they are capable of. The Purple’s defense may rise or fall by the way this secondary handles the onslaught of pass attempts sure to come their way. Because the Williams eat running backs, teams don’t even bother running the ball, and will most likely spread their offenses and throw 50 times a game.

On offense this team has struggled some since Randy Moss was traded to Oakland in ’04 and Daunte Culpepper had his knee blown up in 2005. Since that time the Vikings have been a run first team. No longer the “3 deep” passing threat, Chilly has instilled a grind it out style and lame passing attack. Most of that lame passing attack is because of WR ineptitude, QB inconsistencysuckability and basically “Loser Denial”. Chilly’s “kick ass” offense has yet to take form, however third-year stud Adrian Peterson (hereinafter AP, All Day, Purple Jesus) is the single best player in the NFL and can score from any point on the field.

An overall look at the Offense yields the conclusion that if BFF can play mediocre and not turn the ball over, this team will control the ball and score points. The Purple Jesus is paired with Chester Taylor (tremendously underrated) in the backfield, though; Chilly refuses to line them up together on the same play. With the best tandem of running backs in the league (suck it Carolina), all #4 needs to do is hit on several key third down passes during the game and the Vikings should put up high 20s point totals weekly. And out of all the mass clothing produced in purple concerning BFF, my favorite is the one with him standing inside the state of Minnesota, peeing on the state of Wisconsin. Short, to the point, and artistic. Anyways, the OL is huge with the addition of Loadholtz from OU and Mount Mckinnie, however with the departure of Pro-Bowler Matt Birk, the O-line is unproven and perhaps over-rated, especially at right tackle. The Wide-outs are a question mark as well, with only Berrian as a true threat. Bobby “Cutler’s a pussy” Wade, Cindy (Sidney) Rice and Percy Harvin round out the position and make me want to run the ball on every play. While Percy Harvin may have been the steal of the draft, he is more a playmaker than a true wide out and if those guys can’t separate from the d-backs, Litre-a-cola will be adding to his INT record.

The only real problem with this team is the coach. Chilly (despite making the playoffs last year, had a fan approval rating of like 17%) is hated in this state for his T Jack draft pick and his unimaginative play calling. If he can loosen up, design a play of two to free up Percy, and keep good ol' BFF reigned in, then the sky is the limit for this team. The feeling in Minnesota is that anything short of making the Super Bowl is a disappointment, however, I will take an NFC championship game. I see a 12-4 record combined with some great taunting of Packer fans and perhaps a trip to Miami in the future for this squad. Peterson will rush for 1834 yards, BFF will be mentioned three bazillion times per broadcast, and hopefully T-Jack will not have to see the field. I will consume 14.5 cases of Busch Light tailgating and text Deuce and B. Lee three to four hundred times during Packer and Bear games. I can’t wait to hear Paul Allen’s voice screaming AP is off to the races…

It’s going to be a fun year. Purple Pride is alive and well – good thing, we need something besides booze to get us through our dreadful winters.