Worst to First #9

The pre-season has begun and our collective semi-bone is creating a bulge that neither sandbags nor concrete dam could prevent from exploding in less than a month's time. With that said, allow us to stroke the fire, so to speak, and preview all 32 teams. Beginning with who we think will suck the most, and ending with who we think will suck the best.

Drop some heat, b. Lee


The Crossroads



For the last 10 years, the Colts have been football enemy #1. To be honest, for the last decade they have been downright frightening. Sure, they have hid for a long time behind their quarterback's hokie doke appearance, their lead receiver's business-like approach to catching touchdowns, and of course, their coach's reserved, yet respected bigotry. Combine this with the general shadiness of the entire state of Indiana and we damn near have the rudimentary basis for a horror film.

We'd call it Unlucky Charms. We'd have Rob Zombie direct it. It would most likely be gritty, unsettling, and feature that clown guy from the Devil's Rejects at one point or another. Of course, Mr. Zombie would need to let said clown guy out from beneath his basement porch where he keeps him in between shoots.

And for years, this prelude to a nightmare (see what I did there?) has kept me up at night on at least one Saturday each and every Fall. I know, football is about macho confidence characterized by a balls up cant-see-me spirit. But, this wolf in unicorns clothing really knows how to suck the mojo out of my fandom. Even with the statistical ownership of the Colts during the Manning era (11-4 overall, including 9-3 in the regular season and 2-1 in the playoffs since 1998), there has always been a seemingly unfounded anxiety whenever the Colts were taking on not just my team, but me as well.

Kind of like fans of the Roadrunner being nervous about the prospects of Senor Coyote making the collar, right? Well not so, considering that in the last 4 meetings, the Colts are 3-1 against my team (and myself) and also have a more recent Super Bowl to boot.

But this is the year that things return to form, no? The golden child is back, the Colts are a team in transition, and the AFC South is no picnic. One has to figure that by week 10, the Colts will be sufficiently softened up and ripe for the picking...

Right?

With the Colts soft run defense, the perpetual absence of Bob Sanders, and the addition of a brand new defensive coordinator, there's no way the Colts can compete with my top notch offense...

Right?

And on the other side of the ball, without Marhar, one of the worst running games in the league, and a brand new coach calling the shots, the Colts are going to suffer an anemia most often associated with southern California rather than the Midwest...

Right...?

The Colts appear to be a team at an inevitable crossroads; Peyton Manning is dropping in league-wide quarterback rankings, a new coach is expected to assume the role of the steady captain so admirably played previously by Capt. Dungy, and an inconsistent defense may need to play a more pivotal role in a typically offensively-driven game plan. Can these things happen? Can Indy continue down the path that they have always traversed, or is the new navigator bent on changing things up a bit, and for the worse?

Or, instead of a crossroads, are the Colts at the edge of a cliff? A waterfall, if you will. The current, dictating the only available path, no matter how hard the crew rows against it, or how loud the leadership barks their orders. Everything about the situation suggesting that this ship is going down, whether anyone likes it or not. What matters is whether anyone makes it out alive or not... Most notably the ship itself.

In honor of full disclosure, I am a little nervous even ranking the Colts this low on the list. I feel like the bit character in every horror movie. He could be the hero, but he actually believes that the villain is dead and/or doesn't exist, yet literally has a mere 10 seconds before he finds himself at the end of a machete, butcher's knife, or zombie digestive tract. Or in NFL terms, 17 weeks time, or at least until it becomes apparent that my head is lodged straight up my ass.

But I'm hoping that this isn't real life, and that it is just a nightmare. That anytime now, I'm gonna wake up to a 3-5 ball club on the brink of elimination, with my team (me) aiming the silver bullet that could wipe them out for good come week 10, and with no chance of a sequel on the horizon.

Or, the Colts will continue their 9-game regular season winning streak and will saunter into week 10, bigger, badder, and even more... gory. But that's just not possible...

Right?