Worst to First #3... I mean #5

The pre-season has begun and our collective semi-bone is creating a bulge that neither sandbags nor concrete dam could prevent from exploding in less than a month's time. With that said, allow us to stroke the fire, so to speak, and preview all 32 teams. Beginning with who we think will suck the most, and ending with who we think will suck the best.


Please bring us fire in the night, Deuce.


The Swiss Army Knife

So, I was supposed to drop an Eagles preview yesterday, and I didn't. Woe is us. Not like anybody reads this shit anyways. The more I thought about it though, the more I realized that perhaps it was subconscious. The Eagles at #5? Not in my eyes, hombre. Not with the seemingly random, potentially useful at times, potentially wasteful at times talent that management has finally surrounded D-Nabb with. Nah, these guys are better than the Giants. And since B.lee called me a derogatory name this morning, I decided to FUCK HIM and bump the Iggles up to Numero Tres. I like things in linear order.

This Eagles offense IS a Swiss Army knife of firepower. Every time I look at the roster, I am reminded of some other WR/RB/Fast Guy I had forgotten existed in the cache. Kinda like the plastic toothpick of a Swiss Army Knife. Anyone use that over a regular toothpick, pen cap, fingernail or pubic hair? Didn't think so.

I'm a little surprised by the lack of love Philly is getting. Granted, they play in bar-none the most brutal division in the league. But this offense has a bounty of scissors, knives, files, allen wrenches, tweezers and saws just waiting to be unfurled and unleashed upon the rest of the NFC. The Eagles hurdle for the last however-many-years-McNabb- has-been-playing has been the lack of talent at the skill positions on offense. Sure, Brian Westbrook has been one of the more versatile backs in the the NFL for quite some time. But that's mostly been out of necessity. They ain't had another set of hands reliable enough to catch the ball other than him. And he ain't been reliable enough to stay on the field for more than a month consecutive. All nagging problems when you have a talented, veteran QB and one of the most consistently dominant Defenses of this decade. (Jim Johnson...R.I.P.)

So, what does a man do when he is consistently faced with a zip-tie that won't break? A piece of wood that needs engraving? A nagging hangnail? A bottle of Wisco Gold that needs opening? He goes out and finds himself one tool to rule them all. The Eagles have quietly stockpiled a multitude of tools, which when combined should have the ability to solve any problem, and score from any position.

A team that used to rely on Freddie Mitchells and Greg Lewis' and Hank Basketts and peg-legged TO's to make plays, now employs Westbrook Vista in rookie LeSean McCoy. It has ultra-incendiary deep threats in DeSean Jackson and newbie Maclin. It still has Original Westbrook XP and the Original Rule-3, Soup McNabb. And it has a beefed-up, steam-rolling offensive line. And that is before I even mention the man who has given the NFL some of the most ridiculous play on, and off, the field this century. The man responsible for herpes, a gun-toting brother and doggie genocide also was the Wildcat's unborn fetus and record-setting rusher from behind center...

Ron Fucking Mexico. You served your penance. You have been rehabilitated. You've been forced to be respectful to PETA. I now feel comfortable saying...Welcome back you crazy sonofabitch.

Weapons, playmakers...overflowing from the Eagles offense. How/when/for what purposes does Fat Andy intend to use these tools? That's above my paygrade and body fat index. But what's important is that he has them all available. Maybe a situation calls for a sharp knife; maybe it calls for a ruler. Either way, the Eagles seem to have the prescribed tool(s) for each. And if the defense remains true-to-form, or even rallies to a higher plane on the memory & devotion to their fallen Blitzin' Maestro, this is the team to beat in the NFC. And also, my NFC Super Bowl prediction. Yeah, I said it.

Shit...wait...there's no Stopwatch attachment on a Swiss Army Knife? Uhhh, there also isn't an Idiot's Guide to Timeouts?

Fucking useless piece of shit paperweight.