Fantasy Advice with Dean from Dean's Home Furniture

Just take a look at this office onsawmble, folks! It can be yaws fuh only $999! Can yuh even believe it?


Hi, friends. Good to see everyone again. Welcome to the stohre.

People come up to me all the time sayin, "Dean, you ah SO smaht. Yaw advice led me to uh fantasy baseball playawf bihrth and I couldn't be happiuh. But nowwww, my fantasy football team is already shittin' the bed. I NEED YUH HELP!" This happens so often around this time uh yeah, that I don't even have time to run my furnichuh business. So tell you what I'm gonna do for you; each week, I'm gonna give you what you need by postin' an advice cawlumn in the local papuh. Here's my promise to you: I will find you the best quality playis, at the lowest possible prices... GUARANTEED.

People always come to me askin how they should know which quawtuhback they should staht? You think Matty Bustedback is gonna carry yaw squawd all the way to the prawmised land?

I DOUBT IT.
 
Guy can't even get outta bed in the mawnin without slippin a disk, and you think HE'S the solution? Go with David Garrahd. Shaw, the Jagwahs ah off to uh slow staht. But Garrahd has been thehe befohre. He'll get yuh the points yuh need.

The second biggest question that I always hear is, "Dean, my wide receivuhs ah fuckin retahded. They couldn't catch syphilis in a Brazilian favela gang bang." So, I says to them, what ah yuh gonna do, keep waitin around fuh Chris Henry to shake off his prison gahb and staht catching Palmis ducks? .

I DOUBT IT.


Drop that neighbuh and get with the program. Steve Smith is a clean vehrsion uh Plaxico and makes us New Englanduhs fuhget awl about that disastuh in the desit back in '07.

He'll get your receiving points back to uh respectable status fuh suhre.

Before we go any fuhrthuh, let's see what my competituhs ah up to:



Ha! Think these guys have evuh even been laid?

I DOUBT IT.

These two clowns really need a new approach. I'm killin' em in the prawfit depahtment, that's fuh suhre.

Okay, back to football.

One question that is on AWL people's minds is this; Dean, I feel like my running backs ah a bunch of stuttuh-stepping pansies, how long do I wait before dumping my current runnis eithuh in a trade ohr outright? What do I awlways say people?, "A deal is a deal, and you don't wait for that deal to pass you by. Yuh snooze, yuh LOSE," Thehefohe, why wait fuh Lady Dainian to nuhrse his strained labia? Hehre's what you do, thehre's always one chump in every league. That chump always has a diamond ohr two, and you gotta take him fuh a RIDE. Maybe he's got Ah-Mahd Bradshaw ohr even Piehhre Tawmus. Both of em ah awf to bad stahts, but Momlinson is off to a bad careehr! Make the switch, but make suhre to sweeten the deal with some silly gimmick to seal the deal. Hey, it's wohrks fuh me, right?

Okay friends, that's awl fuh tuhday. Hope this helps. In fact, I don't hope, I KNOW this will help. Think yuh team will still be 0 fuh the season come week 5 if you follow my advice?

I DOUBT IT.