The pre-season has begun and our collective semi-bone is creating a bulge that neither sandbags nor concrete dam could prevent from exploding in less than a month's time. With that said, allow us to stroke the fire, so to speak, and preview all 32 teams. Beginning with who we think will suck the most, and ending with who we think will suck the best.
b. Lee, destroy something beautiful, would yuh?
Ghetto Fabulous
Jerry Jones is very proud of his franchise in Dallas. So too are the fans.
And they should be! Five Super Bowls, mother fucker! Recently*, the team captured 3 Super Bowls in just just four years time. Not every team can boast that kind of hardware. Not every team can be America's Team. And not every fan gets go to a game and watch their home team play on the largest (low-hanging) television in the world. It's clear that JJ cares not just for his own sterling (read: plastic) image, but also for his team and the fans alike.
But much like JJ's inspired, albeit futile battle against Father Time, all these slogans, gimmicks, bells n' whistles n' ricket-a-racket seem to be covering up one glaring fact: The Cowboys have been pretty miserable lately. And even when they had success, the wheels always seemed to come off at the most inopportune time.
Take last season for example; the Cowboys were primed for a playoff run. Even with the injury to Romo, and all the non-sense between TO and Witten, they were still in great shape. Until they let the Ravens run all over them in the 4th quarter of a Saturday night game in Week 16. But even after this game, the Cowboys still could determine their own destiny. Beat the Eagles in week 17 and play on. Instead, the Eagles straight up rolled the 'Boys, rising from the ashes and punching their own ticket to January. And this kind of behavior continues even before then.
In 2007, the Cowboys looked primed for a Super Bowl run. That is until their they were bounced from the playoffs by the Giants after a bye week spent in Mexico. Should we keep going?
How about finishing the 2006 season losing three out of their last four, before a case of the grease fingers cost them in the playoffs?
2005: Losing to the 5-9 Rams in week 17 and finishing at 9-7 instead of 10-6. But there is really no need to go back this far, for this is prior to the Romo era, and anything more could certainly be considered to be torturing the point.
Boy, too bad that big LCD screen wasn't around during week 16 of last season. I bet McClain and McGahee (The Potato Bros.) would have looked real good bombing 80 yards downfield and into the end zone. Word on the street is that that new TV is so big, that you can actually see people's dreams shattering to pieces in the standing-room only section of the new stadium.
But of course, it is a new year, with a new stadium, and probably 1,000-5,000 brand new Cowboy "fans" primed for the new day. Ready to make a run at that suddenly elusive playoff victory. The only problem is that the Cowboys are in no way better this year, than they were in the last. If anything, they are worse.
That's what happens when you lose one of the best wide receivers in the game, right? And when you replace him with, well, no one. Sure the running game will be stronger this year. Barber should be healthy and First-Down Felix Jones should help reduce the Cowboys reliance on TO to maintain possession and keep the chains moving. But, it still seems like the Cowboys, and Romo specifically, are going to be relying just a little too much on Witten to get the job done. If anything, the offense is now short a valuable dimension, even if the front office has reduced their need for PR in the No-TO era.
Combine this offensive predictability, with a knack for both the offensive and defensive lines to soften up down the stretch and it is hard to see Dallas making any kind of real run at a Super Bowl this year. Playoffs, perhaps. But, not a Super Bowl. Not this year and not in the NFC.
In 2009, the Cowboys look to be living the ghetto fabulous lifestyle. On the exterior, things are shiny and clean. People will stare as they roll by and playaz will be jealous. But just remember, that behind all that bling ain't nothing but a stack of child support bills a bad credit rating, and an empty gas tank. Sooner or later it will be exposed. And we will all get to see it...
In crystal clear hi-def.
PS. You asked for this Ache-Man
You know what?
ReplyDeleteFuck 'dem Cowboys.
I wonder if the new jumbotron can tell everyone how my ass taste...
ReplyDeleteThe disdain with which you write this article renders it useless as a prediction or a preview. It provides almost no insight to the teams philosophy, nor does it make mention to off season improvement. I like how you point out the "injury to Romo", without noting we played 4 games with a combination of Brad Johnson/Brooks Bollinger and a 9 fingered casted Romo at the most important position on the field, and still had a shot at the playoffs last year.
ReplyDeleteBrad Johnson is one of the top ten worst human beings on earth, that is how much I hated watching him play last year. I hope he dies of ghonnorea and rots in hell wearing a Marino jersey.
Of course, I cannot argue with the lack of balls my team showed in the final two weeks of the season. I blame that solely on big Wade, who is no doubt in his last year in Dallas. The organization blamed it solely on T.Owens, which was a total cop-out and a joke if you ask me. We cut a top 10 receiver in the league in favor or Patrick Crayton. WTF? Cause T.O has a big mouth? The bastard puts fans in the stands...just like Rick Martel.
The Cowboys will not benefit from being in the toughest division in football. Because of this they have only a slim chance to make the playoffs unless they play up to their potential. You'd have to agree there is limitless "potential" on the roster with R.Williams,Witten,Martelus Bennett, Barber,Jones,Choice,Romosexual on the offense and the best pass rusher in the game on a solid defense (not great, but solid).
We could make the playoffs, or we could lose 8 games. The franchise is an enigma right now.
FIRE WADE 09!