Worst to First #12

The pre-season has begun and our collective semi-bone is creating a bulge that neither sandbags nor concrete dam could prevent from exploding in less than a month's time. With that said, allow us to stroke the fire, so to speak, and preview all 32 teams. Beginning with who we think will suck the most, and ending with who we think will suck the best.

Rant and rave, Deuce...


Cutler's Next Stand

I am an unabashed and life-long fan of the Chicago Bears, more so than any other team from the Windy Cit-tay.

I am without a doubt the most critical, cynical and pessmisstic person I know in regards to these same Chicago Bears.

Both of the above statements are true. Take from this what you will.

There is a lot of buzz around the 2009 Chicago Bears. And for the first time in almost 5 years, it's a buzz centering on the promise and potential of a playoff, perhaps even Super Bowl, type-season as opposed to the pitfalls of either an incompetent or ineffective quarterback. Hell, even Peter the King is backing the Bear Cubs! (Shit!!!)

It's hard to find fault in the ownership of the team for taking a risk and bringing in a hot young quarterback with questionable character to a team full of (mostly) veterans. Especially one that shares some frighteningly similar tendencies to one Sex Grossman. But all pouty faces, metro photo shoots and double-chins aside, Jay Cutler is the best quarterback to wear a Bears uniform in over 20 years. That itself already makes this season a success. Points also awarded for bringing in the Pacemaker for added protection.

For the first time that I can remember in my lifetime, the Chicago Bears are looking with expectant eyes to their defense to carry it's own weight and provide a complement which should be (in comparisons sake) a pretty dynamic and high-scoring offense. Between the Cutler-Olsen-Olsen's Wife menage-a-trois of chemistry, the continued (albeit very, very slow) progression of Anytime Hester as an offensive threat, and some young wide-outs filled with false promises of upside, the Bears should have a legitimate passing attack for the first time in many moons. This all lessens the load on Forte the Workhorse, who will probably remain the focal point of the offense because of his versatility, his hands, vision and nose for the end zone. Though, it wouldn't hurt to see him lower a shoulder and run over a bitch every now and again.

So yes, yes the offense will be great by Chicago standards. Meaning adequate in normal NFL jargon. The true concern is with a defense that got old quickly after hosting a Super Bowl run in '05. How concerned am I? VERY FUCKING CONCERNED:

• Face of the Franchise Brian Urlacher has seen his stats (and more importantly his impact) decrease over the last three years, along with former lock-down CB and current lightning rod Nathan Vasher.
• The proclaimed "key to the defense", highly-paid DT Tommie Harris may or may not ever be genuinely healthy again, which makes you wonder why they'd continually run a one-legged DT on the field.
• The secondary overall, with Peanut Tillman's injury, is a gigantic fucking ?
• Kevin Payne (I'll come back to him).

It's depressing to see a group, mostly still intact, that was not simply the most feared in the league 3 years ago, but possessed the legitimate ability to win a game from one side of the ball crumble like a house of cards so quickly. How the shit did this happen? That, dear readership of 4, brings us to the glaring fucking issue with the Chicago Bears of the Lovie Regime.

Philosophical. Differences.

/sigh

/deep inhale...

Lovie Smith is a shitty head football coach. He knows the game, he knows how to scheme and teach, but Brother CANNOT lead, or manage or possess any of the intangibles needed to motivate, inspire confidence and/or WIN FOOTBALL GAMES.

Defensively, Lovie Smith and Cronies have stayed more loyal to the Cover 2 than even the most insecure, self-loathing wife to a cheating husband. In spite of the fact that everyone else in the league figured the Cover 2 out about two-and-a-half years ago, when it stopped being new, and novel. Just like everyone will figure out the 3-4 and the Wildcat eventually. Loyal to the point that former DC, and Bear legend, Ron Rivera was run out of town because of his love of the blitz. A love that allowed the Bears defense to lead the league in sacks and turnovers on the way to the Super Bowl.

Naw, instead Lover Boy would rather take his most athletic defender, and piss away his freakishly unique skills and speed in the box and sideline to sideline in favor of running #54 up and down the middle of the field, covering TE's. Because that's his philosophy. The Cover 2 works. Even if it doesn't...it works, because Lovie thinks it does.

But at least they have a great strong safety to come up and fill on run coverage in Kevin Payne. Kevin Payne is known in Chicagoland for leading the league in both "Jumping on a Pile of Already Tackled Players Right Before The Whistle" and "Propelling Self Like a Missile At a Ballcarrier With His Head Down and Sans Wrap-Up".

Kevin Payne is one of the worst tacklers in the league. Maybe the worst. You wouldn't know it, because commentators love to talk about how hard and fast he comes up and hits...typically once the play is already decided. Much in the same way you don't hear about Charles Tillman's mediocre coverage skills. Instead, light is shown upon his ability to strip the ball loose on a slant route. Believe me when I say...fuck Kevin Payne. Hard to blame him for being a bad tackler though, considering the Bears don't tackle in training camp. Like, not ever. I'm serious. Lovie Smith doesn't believe in it. He's a player's coach. Too many injuries, the man says softly.

Minor examples of one of the errors in philosophy of this Bears coaching staff. "Fundamentals crucial to the position? Why bother teaching those if a guy has already mastered a marginal, occasionally useful specialty skill which can mask the mistakes he'll make?"

That's why the Bears staff preaches the importance of turnovers, or takeaways if you're into rhetoric. Why bother correcting the wrong action in the first place (reading the play, getting to your assignment, stopping the ball) when you can just find a short-cut to fix your mistake (rip the ball out instead of tackle). Other examples include:

• Why worry about scoring touchdowns, when we can just have Devin Hester run a kick or two back for 6?

And quickly followed by

• Why waste Devin Hester running back kicks and getting good field position when he can average 3 catches a game for 37 yds and draw PI on a fly route?

Cyclical retardation.

The worst culprit? Offensive coordinator Ron Turner. This is unscientific, but the Bears must have called the most audibles in the league last year. Many of which occurred on 2nd and 3rd and short. Why? Because the man is a reactionary. He doesn't want to run the play with the highest chance to gain the yards needed. He wants to run the play that fits best against the opposing defense. Regardless of down and distance. The anti-Mike Singletary, Turner has no faith in his offense's ability to EXECUTE any play he calls against any defense. He'd rather (try to) outfox and outwit the defensive scheme, with audibles and adjustments...responding to the defensive look, rather than focusing on his own unit's follow-through. Switch to a Fade route on 3rd and 1? Well if the defense is stacking the box, absolutely. Fullback give on 4th and 1? Only if the A Gap is open.

KNOCK IT THE FUCK OFF, Ron. Line up, and run the fucking ball right at 'em. And if they can't? Find players who can. Ditch the egomania and the constant need to prove you can draw up and call a timely sneaky play. You can't. Put the ball in the hands of your best players and give your fat ass and opinions in the box.

In conclusion, do the Bears have a chance to be the best team in the NFC North, maybe even the whole conference? Absolutely.

But only if the coaches don't get in the way.