Hi, My Name is Chris Evans

And I only do superhero movies.

And why is that? Well, because as everyone knows, super heroes are smart, buff, and very, very confident. Some would even say cocky. And why shouldn't they be?  They're smart, buff, and very, very confident.

Go on...

Better Know a Contender?

Who yuh got?!?

Go on...

Why Do We Fall?

To embarass ourselves and subsequently be removed from medal consideration, of course.

Yay!!!

Go on...

One, Love

Oh, hey there, sweet thing... I can see that you're all ready to get this started.  I am happy about it, too.  But before we get to the now, let's talk a little bit about what things were like before we first met.  That can be fun.

Go on...

Only 1 More Hour Until the Next Supper Bowl

Awwwww, some guacamole?

Go on...

Hockey, B*tch

A hastily drawn up semi-preview of the NHL season featuring heavy coverage of the Boston Bruins and a lazy reference to a more well-written article.

It's difficult to make it through the entire football season while sporting this constant bulge in my Dickies.  I mean, I've gotten pretty used to it over the last five or six years, but still, it involves constant vigilance and control of one's psychological imagery.  Shoot, I can't even think about looking at porn, let alone, you know, actually looking at it.  One false move and this high-wire act I call "maintaining non-soiled undies" is flattened on the pavement below.

Go on...

Tales from the Boneyard

Sometimes you need to follow the hot fire with a nice cool beverage to stimulate the more positive areas of your mind and body. Therefore, I'm gonna make things sunny-side up for a little while. Meaning, this is gonna be delicious, yet potentially dangerous...


I'M TAKING Y'ALL TO THE BONEYARD!




Fantasy Baseball Edition.

Below you will find 5 members of the current All-Bone Team. Meaning that their performance and overall statistical dominance have led me not only to the top of my 8 fantasy baseball leagues, but also to Uptuckville (Pop: Me and millions of other attention-deficient, adolscent males currently stuck in American History class across America).

1. Mark Reynolds

Dude is straight-pushing 20 homers, 50 runs and 50 RBI in the first half of the season, and he admirably stepped in during D. Lee's slow start, followed by Dr. Atkins kicking the fantasy bucket, because he's qualified for both 1st and 3rd base! I guess there is something awesome going on in Phoenix after all. And did I forget to mention, forget to mention Memphis? Mother fucker steals bases, too! And besides, he bought me a one-way ticket to the Boneyard, so he's generous, as well.

2. Torii Hunter

Sure, we all knew he was a solid fantasian, but apparently the asshole that dropped him at the beginning of the season missed that memo. Ha! Torre, Torey, Torii has been rocking any and every pitcher that faces him this season. His numbers are all on par with Burt Reyonolds up above, EXCEPT his batting average is about 40 points higher. Woo! He's been a little dinged up lately but you can't keep a good man down. Steps in last night as a pinch hitter and immediately gets on base. God bless you, Spii Hunter.

3. Nelson Cruz

Anyone who was paying attention last year knew that this guy was going to be valuable this year. The difficult part was determining when to draft him. Shit, drafting him in the 3rd round wouldn't even have been a mistake this time around. He's not as young as you might think (29), which I guess makes it okay that he gets me so hot and bothered all the time. He's got a Carlos Lee kind of ceiling due to his ability to steal a few bases and hit for power and if Dave Murphy ever decides to start hitting the ball, then Vice Admiral Nelson should benefit. Badass can cruz me anytime... I'm already prepped and ready.

4. Brad Hawpe

Just a quick reminder; Garrett Atkins sucks, and Braw Hawpe does not. He's batting .340! And historically, he's a second-half hitter. So just what does the Hawpe Monster have in store for us come late in the season? A batting title? Slow down, little Sally. I can make one promise for sure, if he likes swinging the wood, then I can make sure he gets all he can handle.

5. Shin-Soo Choo

I got a serious case of the Yellow Fever going on over here. And the only known cure for this, ironically, is more yellow tail. And no, I am not referring to the two buck chuck found at your local grocer. I'm talking about 40 runs, 40 RBI, and 11 stolen bases. This Hanguk grinder has got me itchin' to get back to the peninsula so I can down some goju and mix it up at the Nore-bang with some like-minded individuals. If Kim Jong can keep his bombs to himself, then I don't see anything stopping the Choo Choo Train and myself from enjoying a few fantasy titles this season. I'm sure he's... behind me all the way.


So, thank you, gentlemen, and keep up the work. But please don't take my words literally. I wouldn't want anything hindering your sweet stroke.

Love in the Time of Salmonella

Baby girl, you know that I love you. You know this... Howevuh, a man like me cannot simply be satisfied with just one. I need them ALL. To taste them, to feel them, to stimulate them. So on this February the 13th, this day of impending LOVE, I would like to send a shout out to all my partners, past, present... and of course, future.

CP3 - We had something special you and I. You had your quick... release. I had my swarming defense, that you were somehow always able to... penetrate. Like so many other things, you stole what was mine. Keep it. You'll be back.









Larry Fitzgerald - Dearest Fitzy, we had our time together didn't we? I would dangle from the headboard and you would come up and"get me" as they like to say about you. But alas, my time in the desert needed to end. That burning sensation could only be attributed to the summer swelter. Although the sting still lingers...

 
Rondo - Oh those hands. When are you gonna wrap those monster mittens around my hips? Just don't give me the ol' fake reach around. Let's make sure it's for real. You'll never be underrated in my book, cutie pie.









Evan Longoria - You catch everything, and release nothing. I always loved that in a man. Your stroke is always smooth, yet firm. It's all I ever needed. You are my Ray of sunshine, amidst the dark clouds of Internet pornography.





 
LDT - You always knew how to find the holes. But you just got too old for me. One hour-long session and you were out of commission for the next 3 weeks. I need satisfaction. I need consistency. Maybe you will find love at your next destination. Which most likely will be Cleveland.







And to the 2008-2009 Pittsburgh Penguins...


I'm coming for you... All.