It's difficult to make it through the entire football season while sporting this constant bulge in my Dickies. I mean, I've gotten pretty used to it over the last five or six years, but still, it involves constant vigilance and control of one's psychological imagery. Shoot, I can't even think about looking at porn, let alone, you know, actually looking at it. One false move and this high-wire act I call "maintaining non-soiled undies" is flattened on the pavement below.
But then the NHL comes along. My faithful companion. Sure the NFL is my one, true love. But the bitch comes and goes as she pleases. The NHL is always there for me. My anchor. My rock. My eternal rebound. But even she left with a bad taste in my mouth after last season. So it seems that she is learning. Learning to manipulate me and use me for her own devices. As a result, I'm fighting off some serious pre-emissions at the moment, and struggling with a love triangle of my own devices.
She wants attention and I understand that. So that is just what she will get. Some say I am destined for heartbreak, but it wouldn't be the first time. There was a time when I refused to live with my pain and rejection. I fought against it as if I were a prisoner who simply decided to sleep off his consecutive life sentences, as if constant dreaming were an actual release from his confinement. But my eyes are open and I have accepted my fate. No need to escape it for I am the rooster with his head cut off, standing still and waiting patiently for whatever happens next.
But maybe if I treat her better...
Would you look at me? There I go again. Backsliding into my old wistful saptitude. But regardless, she will gets what she deserves and so will you for that matter. For over the course of the season we will be bringing you previews for all 30 teams. It will be similar to the "Better Know a Contender" series we ran last season, only without the Colbert rip-off... Hopefully.
So rest easy, cult masses of the sports world, for hockey is back! Just keep your hands off her because looking is for free but touching will cost you. Free pullovers and upper-cuts for anyone that thinks otherwise.
Tonight: Eastern Conference Finals preview between the B's and Caps. Not sure what to expect from the first game of the season, but let us hope for some more of this:
Dickies? You move back to South Phoenix without telling me?
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