Countdown to 2010: Invasion Edition!

As your may or may not know, the extraordinarily dangerous (oh, and beautiful) country of South Africa will be hosting the World Cup in the summer of 2010. This asshole plans on attending so long as this site starts bringing the appropriate level of advertising revenue. So far we're off to a bad start, but a man can dream, right? Tickets are on sale as we speak and the South African government is scrambling to ensure that their country will be a safe and pleasurable experience for international visitors arriving to support their teams, as well as to enjoy the sites and smells of the Cradle of Civilization.


However, it appears that common criminals are ramping up their practice sessions in order to better prepare themselves for the field day that will be the World Cup tourist influx.  According to South African government, home and business robberies are up by 27% and 42%, respectively.  Yikes.  Looks like the burglars caught wise to those facetious ADT stickers that everyone threw in their windows as soon as they let Mandela return to the mainland.  Also, carjackings are up 5% as compared with the previous year.  So one might want to consider some extra insurance prior to jumping into that Vauxhall Austra that you are going to rent from Avis South Africa.

The good news is that both assault and attempted murder are down by roughly 4% as compared to the last year.  So you now have a 56% chance of making it back to the hotel without a knife, machete, or gun being put to your throat, as compared with the previous year.  Also, bank robberies are down a staggering 29%, in case you feel like the need make any large deposits after Ghana pulls off that upset of Croatia.  Indeed, it looks like the legacy of one Andre Stander is finally beginning to fade.  Or perhaps we are simply witnessing a homicide hibernation period while the psychopaths rest up for the big feast.

The outlook begins to look even more positive when you consider all of the additional  security that South Africa is placing in the downtown areas as well as on the train systems, so we can all feel safe when taking the train from the wineries of Stellenbosch on down to the shebeens of Cape Town.  The government has even gone so far as to employ the FBI in order to train police in detecting and foiling more complex crimes such as money laundering.  Let's just hope that no major terrorist attacks are planned, otherwise we're all fucked.

But perhaps the most obvious, yet largely ignored problem facing South Africa is the influx of illegal aliens in the last few years.  No, I am not speaking of Zimbabweans fleeing from the cruel, deranged grasp of Uncle Bob.  Rather, I am referring to actual illegal aliens. 

I for one feel that these visitors are here in peace, but of course I have never actually seen, nor spoken with one in person, and based on some of the things I have heard, well they are kind of fucking gross.  Regardless, I do not think it would be a bad idea to have Bill Pullman and Randy Quaid on speed dial just in case the prawns decide to rebel or if any of their friends happen to show up late to the party.  After all, they are the only ones that can save us should a true invasion occur.