Tales from the Boneyard

Sometimes you need to follow the hot fire with a nice cool beverage to stimulate the more positive areas of your mind and body. Therefore, I'm gonna make things sunny-side up for a little while. Meaning, this is gonna be delicious, yet potentially dangerous...


I'M TAKING Y'ALL TO THE BONEYARD!




Fantasy Baseball Edition.

Below you will find 5 members of the current All-Bone Team. Meaning that their performance and overall statistical dominance have led me not only to the top of my 8 fantasy baseball leagues, but also to Uptuckville (Pop: Me and millions of other attention-deficient, adolscent males currently stuck in American History class across America).

1. Mark Reynolds

Dude is straight-pushing 20 homers, 50 runs and 50 RBI in the first half of the season, and he admirably stepped in during D. Lee's slow start, followed by Dr. Atkins kicking the fantasy bucket, because he's qualified for both 1st and 3rd base! I guess there is something awesome going on in Phoenix after all. And did I forget to mention, forget to mention Memphis? Mother fucker steals bases, too! And besides, he bought me a one-way ticket to the Boneyard, so he's generous, as well.

2. Torii Hunter

Sure, we all knew he was a solid fantasian, but apparently the asshole that dropped him at the beginning of the season missed that memo. Ha! Torre, Torey, Torii has been rocking any and every pitcher that faces him this season. His numbers are all on par with Burt Reyonolds up above, EXCEPT his batting average is about 40 points higher. Woo! He's been a little dinged up lately but you can't keep a good man down. Steps in last night as a pinch hitter and immediately gets on base. God bless you, Spii Hunter.

3. Nelson Cruz

Anyone who was paying attention last year knew that this guy was going to be valuable this year. The difficult part was determining when to draft him. Shit, drafting him in the 3rd round wouldn't even have been a mistake this time around. He's not as young as you might think (29), which I guess makes it okay that he gets me so hot and bothered all the time. He's got a Carlos Lee kind of ceiling due to his ability to steal a few bases and hit for power and if Dave Murphy ever decides to start hitting the ball, then Vice Admiral Nelson should benefit. Badass can cruz me anytime... I'm already prepped and ready.

4. Brad Hawpe

Just a quick reminder; Garrett Atkins sucks, and Braw Hawpe does not. He's batting .340! And historically, he's a second-half hitter. So just what does the Hawpe Monster have in store for us come late in the season? A batting title? Slow down, little Sally. I can make one promise for sure, if he likes swinging the wood, then I can make sure he gets all he can handle.

5. Shin-Soo Choo

I got a serious case of the Yellow Fever going on over here. And the only known cure for this, ironically, is more yellow tail. And no, I am not referring to the two buck chuck found at your local grocer. I'm talking about 40 runs, 40 RBI, and 11 stolen bases. This Hanguk grinder has got me itchin' to get back to the peninsula so I can down some goju and mix it up at the Nore-bang with some like-minded individuals. If Kim Jong can keep his bombs to himself, then I don't see anything stopping the Choo Choo Train and myself from enjoying a few fantasy titles this season. I'm sure he's... behind me all the way.


So, thank you, gentlemen, and keep up the work. But please don't take my words literally. I wouldn't want anything hindering your sweet stroke.