A Haters Guide to the NBA Finals

"The world needs haters. Without them, we'd be faced with a society of people walking around consistently feeling good about themselves."

-DEUCE

Because the teams sponsored here at FSD have both been bounced from the playoffs, and in lieu of the fact that we must pick a team to support, we are choosing to say "fuck it." If we are gonna be forced (in the end) to lend our support to one of these jagmuffs, then we will not do so without a fight. And so without any additional delay, let us introduce the detestable candidates!

Cleveland Cavaliers

Why they are unworthy of your support: Because... What's that? Lebron and company are NOT in the Finals? Oh this is embarrassing. But, I thought everyone was saying that it was definitely gonna be the Cavs in the Finals against the Lakers? Oh, they're all a bunch of blowhards that actually didn't watch any Cavs games this year and just assumed they were really good? Interesting... I can tell you whom we will definitely not be supporting in the Finals... THE MEDIA

Orlando Magic:

Why they are unworthy of your support: Because Michael Pietrus is French. Because, why is Jameer Nelson good again? Because of the way that Marv Albert says "GORTAT!" Because Rafer Alston was on the AND 1 tour. Because Rashard Lewis made FSD look bad in the last series. And because Mike Brown's incompetence and lack of leadership is the only real reason that this team is in the finals right now even after being taken to game 7 by Brian "Scabbyback" Scalabrine and company.

Why they are worthy of your support: Because would you look at that fucking smile on D. Howard's face?!? Even when he is pissing and moaning about an obvious hack call against him, it just... it just brightens my day. God bless you, D. Howard

And because Dwight Howard makes Mike Wilbon look like Malcolm X, all the whities up and down the East Coast are going to flock to this team's side like a crab on a dirty vagina. Or because they hate that other guy. Yeah he plays for that other team?

Ah, yes.

Lake Show:

Why they are unworthy of your support: Because of Sasha... Who now wants to fuck your sister... Give birth to a child... Molest your new niece/nephew... And then still ask for you to be the Godfather. Or so, I'm told. Because Lamar Odom only tried in one game against the Denver Nuggets. Because where the fuck is Andrew Bynum? Because Derek Fischer made Chauncey Billups look kinda good again (he still isn't though). Because their coach is as much of a Buddhist as I am a comedian (I like to consider myself one... but what the fuck?) Because their fans are about as faithful as a busted watch. And because they made me support Kobe Bryant in the last round.

Why they are worthy of your support: Because they beat the fucking Nuggets! Now, your clean finals won't be tainted by the sheer brutality and thuggery of the Nuggets! And also because of Kobe's workman-like performance during the Conference Finals. Dude kept his mouth shut and just wore the Nug Nogs down after game 5.

And apparently I'm now gay for Kobe. Look, just because I rubbed one or two out while watching Kobe: Doin Work on the third and fourth viewing, doesn't mean anything. Just because Kobe has a penchant for anal, doesn't mean that I have my hopes up or anything... Absolutely not.

Oh god, I just looked at Gasol's face... Midnight to six in less than 3 seconds. Okay, deep breaths...

Fuck both of these teams. And for real, GO CAVS!!!

Happy hatin y'all!