Hatin' On Your Home Town

Polism is certainly a widespread phenomenon. When combined with the pugilistic nature of sports and the Internet, it can certainly take on a freakish life of it's own. Because we here at FSD are masters of Ju-Jutsu, we understand that all things in life have a force. This force must either be embraced or deflected as it cannot very well be resisted (ibid, your honor). Therefore, we are just going to go ahead and embrace it. As much as I would like to tone down the venom, I'm just not sure that is a possibility at this point in my juvenile development. And hell, it can only get us that much more ready for football season, am I right? So let us get to this week's entry in order to better understand why your home town is just so shitty...

First up!


St. Louis, Dispatched.


Named after a gay French king, the Gateway to the West is nestled firmly at the crossroads of the Missouri and Mississippi Rivers, two of the most polluted bodies of water in America. But I'm not here to talk about St. Louis' awful beer, their terrible ghettos, or their crappy pizza. I'm here to talk about how St. Louis might be the greatest second-rate sports town in America (next to Buffalo, of course).

And I mean that in the best possible way.

One of the best things I've ever witnessed as a sports fan was the Patriots capturing their first Super Bowl title. After losing their franchise quarterback, a relative unknown steps up and carries the team all the way to New Orleans. The Patriots were near two touchdown underdogs, yet won the game, shocking, well, at least some of the world.

One of the other best things I've ever witnessed as a sports fan was the Boston Red Sox bringing home their first World Series trophy in over 75 years. Down 3-0 against their biggest rival, they stormed back in the ALCS and after that the World Series itself was nothing more than a technicality. No one stood a chance against the Sox after their grand, historical resurgence.

Many a sport fan in St. Louis do not share the same positive thoughts when they consider their fondest memories. One St. Louisian friend of mine recently quipped, "God, one of the best things I've ever seen is when the Patriots perfect season was ruined. And then in the following season Brady blows out his leg in the first game of the season." I guess at least one person isn't over the Rams extremely rapid fall from grace (and relevance) since Super Bowl XXXVI. It makes sense, after all, the Patriots did cheat their way to three Super Bowls. But like I always say, cheating is better than praying. Just ask Kurt Warner. But this is the kind of negative support that I expect from a city's inhabitants that trumpets the second-worst attendance in the entire NFL, second only to the Detroit Lions (Yes we can!). I mean, if you can't support your home team, I guess you can pull against somebody else's. But what do you expect from a city that lost it's last football team to Phoenix?

And even though the Cardinals (the baseball team this time) have since won a World Series, their still seems to be some resentment surrounding the Fall Classic of '04. Who would of thought that Manny's implication in the steroids scandal would have provided such vindication, and fodder for Cardinals' fans across the land... I mean, Missouri. Indeed, the Red Sox 4-game SWEEP of the Cardinals is no longer valid, since Manny is a "cheater." I guess Manny was the reason why the Cards were only able to muster 3 runs on 13 hits over the last 3 games of the series. They must have just been intimidated by a potential Manny 'roid rager. Yeah, that's it.

And by the way, didn't Mark McGwire break a record or something when he was on the Cardinals? And doesn't New Busch Stadium have a Big Mac sign out in left field? Right, it's simply a reference to McDonald's... But either way, is he not a known steroids abuser? And specifically, during the time of his greatest success? As far as I know, Manny only recently tested positive and so there is therefore no evidence that the Cardinals were under any threat of roid rage during the 2004 World Series. Instead, they were just inferior to the Red Sox in all facets of the game. Either way, the moral of the story is, it's okay to cheat and lose (as well as make everyone actually watch Cardinals' baseball... ugh), but it's not okay to cheat and win. Got it. I think Tony LaRussa had a similar argument...

Officer, I wasn't drinking and driving. I was drinking and sleeping. I just happened to be in my car at the time.

But I guess the birthplace of Yellow Journalism still enjoys it's revisionist history.

And honestly, don't even ask about the Blues. Most people from St. Louis just assume that their hockey team left town with the football Cardinals, even though their hockey team has one of the best names in all of sports (begrudgingly). I mean, they are called the Blues, and they are located in St. Louis. So, I can understand the confusion.

And basketball? Well, they don't have basketball team, so apparently the NBA is irrelevant...

So, I guess I can sort of see the St. Louis' fans' side of things; since there is really only one team worth watching in the entire city (according to them, not me), there is only so much positive support than can be provided, given the good Polists that they are. Therefore, in order to fill the support vacuum, an avalanche of negative support rushes in, manifesting itself in the form of angst and jealousy, directed at those cities with a full plate of professional sports, and especially those cities that actually achieve in their sports. Yeah, I'd be probably be upset, too.

Take care, St. Louis! I wish you well in your search for an identity. I recommend that you embrace the steroids era for what it is; no one is innocent. Also, support your hockey team. They were one of the best stories in the league this year, and it damn near passed you by. And start going to Rams games, otherwise they're headed back to LA where they belong. And live in the now. Don't worry about how other cities embarrassed you in the past. St. Louis has enough to worry about without having to concern themselves with the affairs of other, more established cities. But, I guess that's why your city is known as 'the Lou.'


Best (and only good) thing about your city: Will Leitch.