Worst to First #19

The pre-season has begun and our collective semi-bone is creating a bulge that neither sandbags nor concrete dam could prevent from exploding in less than a month's time. With that said, allow us to stroke the fire, so to speak, and preview all 32 teams. Beginning with who we think will suck the most, and ending with who we think will suck the best.

Give us some 'o dat non-sequential supermagic, Deuce.


Pant-y Droppers



Oh beautiful irony. The only people who didn't pitch tent just now? Any San Francisco 49er's fans (because they're gay by virture of living in "the Bay") and b. Lee (because he finds thongs on a woman "tasteless, gross and lacking in functionality." Also he's gay too).

Don't ever say your Uncle Deuce isn't a man for the masses. There were dozens of pictures of pimply, wrinkly, hairy and otherwise very non-aesthetically pleasing asses that I found in my Google image search for "mooning". I could have chosen any one of them to commemorate one of the greatest half-time speeches in NFL History, but it's Monday and you're welcome.

Welcome to this year's Houston Texans. The 49ers are this season's So-Sleepy-They-Aren't-A-Real-Sleeper-Anymore team. I usually try to stay tempered on teams like this, since they are so consistently overrated and underachieving, usually due to a strong finish in the previous season against teams either too shitty or too excellent to play hard. But...I believe in these guys, this year and starts with the Bossman. Singletary certainly had his share of ups & downs last year when his stubborn, stonewalling, calling-you-out, speak-then-think, tough-guy tactics resembled that of a JV high school coach. Baby Josh McD has taken a similar approach in Denver, and check how that's working out.

disclaimer: Chicago bias emerging...

So what makes Singletary any different than McDaniels? The man's got the resume and experience, and the scars and the limps, to back up his words and actions. His HOF playing career and overall respectful-unless-we're-between-the-stripes attitude towards the sport allows his players the tutelage of a guy who is walking proof that HIS way works, as long as everyone falls in line. Rather than a geeky videographer who sucked the right dicks to climb the corporate ladder to a position where he can swing his own dick around like the world's smallest sledgehammer, if you will.

So the 2009 Niners will be nothing if not a reflection of their coach: certainly tough and hopefully as football-savvy as old Iron Mike. Despite their bottom-half ranking, I see them playing a lot of close games thanks to their defense, which should put them in position to win games they shouldn't, which should leave them close enough to the playoffs come January to not be considered total failures. Unlike The '04-'05 Baltimore Ravens, there aren't enough big-play guys and scoring threats on D to be considered "contenders." But they'll be good, and never an easy win. Though the team has holes, make no mistake about that...

Such as a completely one-dimensional offense without a QB or WR on the roster that would start for any other team. And a biologically-constructed TE who apparently can't run routes or catch passes. And a baseball field to play on.

But.

Patrick Willis (who can probably now safely remove the "young" from his Best Young Linebacker moniker), Manny Lawson, Justin Smith and Co. will headline a defense created in the image and likeness of Singletary. Which is one most teams certainly won't be excited to face. Especially Willis. Homeboy was already dynamic, and now he gets some tutoring from one of the most intelligent, feared and technically-sound defenders of the last 50 years. So consider yourself on notice for the P-Williz Rampage about to chew up and spit out a Slant route near you. A little bit of help and progress from the secondary, and the unit could sniff "elite" status this year, in my opinion.

Despite the glaring lack of any passing threat, I love San Fran's transparency about their offense. Singletary's Niners are going to run the shit out of the ball with Frank Gore until he's tired. Then, they're going to run the shit out of the ball with Glenn Coffee and Michael Robinson until Gore has sucked enough wind. Then, More Gore. And they don't give a SHIT if you know it. This is why I like Singletary. He's got no illusions of beating a defense with reactive play-calling and audibles. He knows what his players can do well, and he's determined to do that well enough to out-execute and out-pound whatever and whoever lines up on the other side. It's a philosophy that breeds confidence in athletes and pride in a system.

One might almost call it blue-collar. Or in other words, totally unsymbolic of every smug, self-righteous, insufferable douchebag who lives in their city.

WE MUST PROTECT THIS HOUSE!