Worst to First #24

The pre-season has begun and our collective semi-bone is creating a bulge that neither sandbags nor concrete dam could prevent from exploding in less than a month's time. With that said, allow us to stroke the fire, so to speak, and preview all 32 teams. Beginning with who we think will suck the most, and ending with who we think will suck the best.

Deuce? Present.

The Pungent Sound

Would you believe me if I told you that the Seattle Seahawks have only three below-.500 seasons this decade? True story; and I was equally shocked. I consider it proof positive that there is not a more uninteresting and mundane franchise in the NFL. I don't dislike Seattle. I don't like 'em either. More than anything I don't give a shit about them. They're never too threatening, and never too much of a pushover. Mostly, the team just exists in a perpetual cycle of over-achievement over 3 years or so. All this despite playing the victim to one of the more overt screwjobs in NFL playoff history; that nobody outside of the Pacific Northwest even remembers anymore. I suppose it's hard to emphathize with TE's who have a "Rape" rating on Madden '10 of 99.

I had to push to get the Seahawks ranked this high, perhaps ignorantly. There isn't a lot of reason to believe they'll be any better this year than the 4-12 assbomb produced last year, except for the possibility that Seneca Wallace will catch more passes than he throws (a good thing if you're a Seattle fan). Call it a hunch, or playing the patterns, but I do think they will improve from last year to this. Only one way to go...

Quietly (as if there is any other way), Seattle has plugged a few pieces into their offensive puzzle that should be good for business, provided Hasselback stays on the field and out of a back brace. The Housh is the type of receiver who should slide seemlessly into most teams gameplan: precise route-runner with reliable hands and consistent effort. I also have a hunch that he could thrive even more out of the spotlight (or flashing red lights) of Cincinnati. I like the pick-up of Edge James, too, only because he can't possibly make their running game any worse than it is already. Throw in a healthy Deion Branch, and Seattle has some offensive weapons. If they can ever get on the field.

Last year's defense was atrocious. This year? Unless Aaron Curry = Lawrence Taylor (he doesn't), then a few less YPG might be the ceiling. Their secondary is a disaster, and only failed to lead the league in passing TD's relingquished due to the amount of lengthy scoring runs by untouched tailbacks. I do like Curry as a player, especially running around with Lofa Tatupu. Those two might cause some havoc...maybe, MAYBE even as much as the vaunted Sixth Man crowd; though I truly believe all that chanting and foot-stomping is really a plea to the rain gods to LAY THE FUCK OFF ON THE PRECIPITATION for like...2 days in a row? Please?

You're still reading? Slow day at the office, eh? I haven't been this shocked since that half-naked chick in the gas station bathroom in Austin with her own name tattooed on her neck told me she was a prostitute. I'm guessing she was equally shocked when Jables unleashed a bumper right in her mouth. (Bet you didn't know that your very own Deuce used to write for Family Guy).

Maybe new boss Jim Mora II will spice things up for our rain-soaked, coffee-stained, uppity friends to the north, but I've got no confidence. What am I confident in? That despite a great home-field advantage and a REALLY favorable schedule, Seattle is looking at 6-10 in 2009. Which should put them in the thick of the division race well into December. They DO still play in the NFC west, right?

Now go ahead. Talk amongst yourselves.