The Dubious Case of John Calipari

Why do we have any respect for Coach John Calipari? Is it because of his NCAA Final Four appearances (0*)? Or is it because of his platinum NBA playoff record (0-3)?

No? Well, then it must be that hair because for the life of me, I cannot figure out why this man has any standing in the basketball world or in life, in general.

Let's take a look at his resume, shall we?

UMass: Never known as a basketball powerhouse, the Minutemen rapidly ascended into the top 25 after only 3 years under the Calipari regime. UMass soon started bringing in All- Americans such as Lou Roe and Marcus Camby. And in 1996, UMass earned their first Final Four bid in school history before losing (ironically enough) to Kentucky.

Of course, the school would later vacate this appearance after Marcus Camby was caught accepting cash from agents attempting to get him into the NBA draft. Of course, Camby just decided to go to UMass on his own, and was not enticed with any gifts or lowered standards allowing him admission to the school. Because Calipari coached schools would never stoop to such tactics...

Calipari fled the scene as soon as the NCAA tournament had concluded, accepting a head coaching job with the New Jersey Nets.

Fast-forward to 2008; Memphis is coming off a stellar run to the Final Four, but also happens to be reeling from the loss of their prized point guard and resident remedial student, Derrick Rose. Rumors are swirling about some shady business occurring in the Memphis Admissions office, specifically with regard to potential athletes. In time, the Tigers are dispatched from the 2009 NCAA tournament and almost immediately, it is reported that Memphis' Derrick Rose was too dumb to get into college, so he had someone else take his SATs for him. Calipari and company just didn't have a problem with it at the time.

However, it apparently became a problem when Memphis' magical Final Four run was erased from the record books, and Calipari, as usual, took a job somewhere else as soon as the shit hit the fan.

I liken this asshole to the storied father figure from Fight Club; fucker just goes around setting up doomed franchises, promising at first, but fleeing when anything resembling responsibility rears it's head, and then leaving temporary family in shambles on his way toward friendlier waters (Also see, The Mariner's Revenge Song).

So, here goes nothing Kentucky. Let's just hope you signed a pre-nup prior to the honeymoon, because for guys like Calipari, the grass is always greener on the other side... Mainly because he just took on dump on your side of the fence.