Worst to First #28

The pre-season has begun and our collective semi-bone is creating a bulge that neither sandbags nor concrete dam could prevent from exploding in less than a month's time. With that said, allow us to stroke the fire, so to speak, and preview all 32 teams. Beginning with who we think will suck the most, and ending with who we think will suck the best.

b. Lee, grab that microphone.


Pirates of the Carribean



Because much like a Jerry Bruckheimer film, it might look sharp, but behind that sweet wardrobe ain't nothing but a shitty script and lots of bad news.

Is it possible to play football without a quarterback? Well, first-year coach Raheem Morris just might want to consider trying this out based on the current depth chart. Take a look!

• Byron Leftwich; whose niether thrown for 3,000 yards nor had 15 touchdown passes in a season
• Luke McCown; whose thrown more interceptions in his career than touchdowns
• Josh Johnson; who has never taken an NFL snap.
• Josh Freeman; big air quarterback out of Kansas State... Otherwise known as the unofficial Quarterback Factory of the NCAA.

Over the years, the Bucs have made a habit of plugging in the most readily available quarterback possible:

2007-2008: Jeff Garcia
2006: Bruce Gradkowski
2005: Chris Simms
2004: Brian Griese
2001-2003: Brad Johnson
2000: Shaun King

The list reads like a Who's Who of Who the fuck is that?

And since the Bucs have spent so much time being mediocre for the best past decade, they have never been in the appropriate position to either draft or trade for a prime-time quarterback. Even when the Bucs were making the playoffs, and (Jesus Christ) winning Super Bowls, they never did so with anything resembling a good quarterback. Which pretty much brings us up to speed.

The only problem now is that the Bucs don't quite have the dominant defense that they used to have. The once-phenomenal Derrick Brooks is gone. The once feared Tampa pass rush was reduced a pedestrian 29 sacks in 2008. And the run-stuffing rush defense of the good old Warren Sapp days have passed by judging by the 120 rushing yards allowed over the last year.

But the main reason the Bucs are rated so low this year is due to the manner in which they ended the season last year:

Opponents (Weeks 14-17, respectively): Panthers, Falcons, Chargers, Raiders

Avg. Points Allowed per game: 31
Avg. Rush Yards Allowed pg: 189 (Including a 299 yard game for the Panthers)
Avg. Pass Yards Allowed pg: 197
Avg. Total Yards Allowed pg: 387

Average result of each game: Loss
Average number of coaches quit upon: 1

And it's not as if the season were over heading into these last 4 games. There were 9-3 heading into week 14! And, well-positioned to make the playoffs. And granted, 3 of the losses came to playoff teams, but the Raiders? Really?

So fuck the Bucs. There's nothing worse than a team mailing in during any part of the season, let alone for several weeks. If the Gods are just, this team will not even get the opportunity to toy with their fans' emotions this year, and they'll pick right up where they left off... Losing.

And if they keep it up, maybe they'll be able to draft a decent quarterback. I've always said Sam Bradford would look good in pewter.