Worst to First #18

The pre-season has begun and our collective semi-bone is creating a bulge that neither sandbags nor concrete dam could prevent from exploding in less than a month's time. With that said, allow us to stroke the fire, so to speak, and preview all 32 teams. Beginning with who we think will suck the most, and ending with who we think will suck the best.

Why you gotta make me feel inferior 'cause I'm workin' the grill, b. Lee?


The Wolfpack



Fuck you, Packer nation. Seriously. And apologies for the relation in tone that this shares with Deadspin's version of the season preview. However, for all of your talk about being so in tune with your football team, you really have your collective head jammed straight up your collectively HUGE asshole.

When Captain A Rodg arrived at camp, he could not have been greeted more rudely and coldly. So much for those Midwestern hokie doke manners, eh? As if it his fault that our BFF is a fickle slut, and that as a fanbase, you are nothing more than a collection of nostalgic, co-dependent ex-lovers.

BFF FUCKED YOU! And not in the good way (Sidebar: Is there, in fact, a good way for BFF to fuck you at all? I have to lean toward the negative. Although it would be sort of interesting to see if his pubes are also grizzled and multi-colored). If it weren't for your heroic management team, spear-headed by BBTT (Big Balls Ted Thompson), you'd be screwed (again, not in the good way) . The man saved your squad whether you know it or not... And based on the quality of your local news staff and your narrow-interest in saturated fats, you don't.

BFF ruined the Jets season last year (as well as the Patriots'), and this year you can be damn sure that he is going to ruin any shot that the formerly well-balanced Vikings would have at a Super Bowl. The man is indecisive for a reason. I mean, anytime he makes a quick decision it is usually bad for anyone on his side of the ball. Were his 22 interceptions last year not obvious enough for you? Is his arrogance in believing that he can simply show up halfway through training camp and be productive and precise not apparent enough for you? He's donezo.

Let it go.

Brad Childress is too dumb to realize it, but BBTT is not, and he saved your shitty little franchise, so by all means, kiss his ass. I'll get him to stick a cheese curd up there beforehand if that sweetens the deal for you at all.

And by all means, rejoice Fat Nation! For the Packers could very well do some damage this year. As far as we can see it, the NFC North is wide open thanks to the Vikings epic blunder. Your offense is quite possibly elite. With a top 10 passing game, top 5 scoring offense (26 points per game in '08), and a potentially resurgent running game, your offense should keep you on the field against just about any team, especially your divisional opponents considering that you get to play the Lions twice, the Bears secondary is wilting, and well, let's just say BFF will make sure to get your offense as many cracks at the end zone as his busted arm will allow.

The big question is will your defense sufficiently complement this arsenal? The return of Nick Barnett will surely help the Packers plug the run a little better, and hopefully he will rub off on the eternally lost AJ Hawk. Looks like the birdman may have been aided by the sorry offenses of the Big 10 more than we would like to let on. And with some new, (drug free!) blood in the mix from the likes of BJ Raji, the pass rush should certainly benefit as well. Because while shoot-outs are fun, if your defense is allowing 24 points a game (as they did in 2008), then not even BFF circa '99 could erase those debts.

So take a good fucking look around Mr and Mrs. Schlitz; the Packers down year was not a result of BFF being somewhere else, or Aaron Rodgers' flowing locks, or even because of the ever-rising price of corn. Rather, it was because your defense sucked. But, this year, things should be better. The offense is stacked, and the defense couldn't be worse, right...?

Right?

Anyway best of luck this season, and don't forget about Ted Thompson's anal curd kiss...

Like you got anything else to do in Manitowoc on a Friday night.