Worst to First #25

The pre-season has begun and our collective semi-bone is creating a bulge that neither sandbags nor concrete dam could prevent from exploding in less than a month's time. With that said, allow us to stroke the fire, so to speak, and preview all 32 teams. Beginning with who we think will suck the most, and ending with who we think will suck the best.

b. Lee, if you would be so kind.


Champ's Chumps


I made Deuce switch with me at the last moment so that HE could have his PRECIOUS turdbirds, and so I could have the opportunity to read about the dreamy Champ Bailey as much as possible. However, in retrospect, this may have have been a poor choice because the Broncos are just fucking kidding themselves this year.

I liken them to Chicago's "Hey Champ" (pictured above). Sure, on a big stage they might look like a legit band, but when you begin to dissect and break things down a little bit, appearances prove to be deceiving.

My those uniforms are so shiny... But what is with your quarterback's facial hair? That doesn't look good at all...

New coach, used quarterback, rookie running back, disgruntled wide receiver, broken defense...

Look out AFC!

This spring, new, retarded head coach Josh McDaniels decided that it would be a good idea to replace the leader of the 3rd best passing offense in the league with the backup quarterback from the 12th best passing offense in the league. Instead, he got neither and ended up with the quarterback from 12th worst passing offense. Hats off, dumbass. When people say "Make a splash", they're usually not referring to full-on belly flop into the kiddie pool.

And thus, when your offense is headed by a pre-adolescent, a quarterback who apparently believes he is a lion, a young, unproven running back who can jump high (?), a wife-beating psychopath with mad skills (when he is actually on the field), and a flash-in-the-pan sophomore destined for a Santana Moss-like level of consistency, you had better hope that your defense gives you plenty of cracks at the end zone.

Oh, that's right, Denver's defense is a fucking tragedy. Minus The Champ, of course. But God's Gift to the Secondary, even when combined with the new Mile High Missile, cannot plug all the holes in this sieve defense.

So let's go ahead and put these puzzle pieces together: a slightly improved defense (soft-serve instead of straight up liquid diarrhea), and a deteriorating offense? Might have these clowns overrated in the Worst to First spectrum.

What's that? The air is really thin in Denver?

At least it won't clash with the talent-level then.