Worst to First #30

The pre-season has begun and our collective semi-bone is creating a bulge that neither sandbags nor concrete dam could prevent from exploding in less than a month's time. With that said, allow us to stroke the fire, so to speak, and preview all 32 teams. Beginning with who we think will suck the most, and ending with who we think will suck the best.

What's that? No shit, Deuce is on the line? Well shit, fella, it's bout time you erked the digits outta your chute and got back to business. Spit it...

Zinzinnati

So I don't post for a while (or a few whiles), and upon my return I'm granted the penance of previewing the Bengals? Come on, boss. Even thinking about this band of miscreants is borderline naked-Gitmo-style torture, much less having to create original thoughts about their brand of American football. Here's a joke:

Q: What stinks worse than the Cincinnati Bengals?

A: A 6 foot circumference around your body after consuming one of the Diarrhea Boats shown above.

(Seriously though, Skyline Chili tastes like old, boiled shoelaces covered in hot garbage sauce)

This team shares quite a bit with the city it hails from. For instance, most of the Bengals possess the maturity and intellect of a 7th grader, and Cincinnati as a city has A LOT of growing up to do. For starters, why don't you folks go get your airport OUT OF KENTUCKY. Have some pride, damnit.

Okay, right. Football. Make no mistake about it, this Bengals team absolutely possesses no better than "mediocre-to-average" talent, and that's if they're clicking on all cylinders. The problem is every third guy on the roster also possesses the destructive power to incinerate the team from the inside out. The legal history of the Bengals has been well-documented, so let's get past that. What are the real problems?

Their best WR has alligator-arms. Last year's leading rusher runs like a barefoot girl in a cactus farm instead of a drunk sailor running from the fuzz (while their second leading rusher is now the Bills 3rd-string quarterback...true story). Their leading tackler would rather be a model. And their #1 draft pick has bitch tits. To top it off, the prelude to 16 weeks of striped ineptitude is being documented for all to see on MTV's True Life: I'm a Cincinnati Bengal.

I'd like to feel sorry for these blokes, but it's hard to muster up any sort of empathy for an organization that consistently makes horrible personnel and character decisions. "You reap what you sow", and the Bengals have sown a lot of bunk seeds in the last couple years. You want some respect, Nati? How's about not drafting the dude who disappeared right around the most important day of his professional career? Better yet, maybe someone in the organization ought to have the moxie (or intelligence) to slap #85's ass in line and build some sort of team unity.

I can think of two things I like about this year's version of the Who-Dey:

• Carson Palmer. He seems like a genuinely competitive and driven athlete, whose talent is going to waste surrounded by futility and infidelity. If he doesn't rupture some crucial body part by Week 6, he ought to have a solid year statistically and possibly be driven to homicide. The Rae Carruth kind, not the Donte Stallworth kind.


• Rey Maualuga. Because he should be your Defensive Rookie of the Year, and because he shimmy-ed all up on EA and got away with it.

You want hard facts?

The 2008 Bengals ranked LAST in the league in Total Yards, Yards Per Game and Points Per Game. Passing YPG? 30th. Rushing YPG? 29th. And now that TJ Housh is gone to the Pacific Northwest, none of that looks to improve.

Their defense was surprisingly serviceable, and Rey Rey should probably do nothing but help that unit. But the drama, turmoil, egomania and overall lack of accountability in the organization (starting at the top...Paul Brown, meet Donald Sterling) will nullify any positives.

My only hope is that Chad Ochocino breaks some sort of NFL receiving record, and rewards his teammates with their own customized Car-Boat. Child, please.