Worst to First #27

The pre-season has begun and our collective semi-bone is creating a bulge that neither sandbags nor concrete dam could prevent from exploding in less than a month's time. With that said, allow us to stroke the fire, so to speak, and preview all 32 teams. Beginning with who we think will suck the most, and ending with who we think will suck the best.

Don't fuck up the rotation, Deucer...


We're Not Detroit

So apparently I'm the go-to on all things Ohigh-o. And gee, I couldn't be more honored. I mean, Ohio is a great state for certain things. Like...driving through on your way to other, better, and more exciting states. Or...inhaling pollution, committing homicide and being fat. It's also great for making fun of in a snarky blog post.

The more I marinate over these previews, the more I think that even at #27, we might have the Brownies a little too highly rated. The word disarray seems to come to mind more than any other in considering the '09 Browns, both from a coaching and talent perspective. Except maybe poop. That one comes to mind a lot in general. Coach Eric Mangini got run out of the Big City due to an inability to connect with, motivate and garner any semblance of respect from his players (contrary to popular opinion that the Jets fired him with cause after his chesticles stopped lactating regularly). And that was before he had to deal with the likes of Shaun Rogers. I'm not sure Mangini's "tough guy" schtick is gonna taste any better to his new soldiers than his old, which is only the beginning of the Cleve's issues.

For starters, the "face of the franchise", while certainly adept at keeping his hands on the ball(s), can't even pull a legitimate endorsement deal. EAS? I've never actually seen this stuff on shelves. Can we confirm that this is an actual product that can be bought in a store like GNC and not out of the back of Buick Skylark from some guy that approached you in the corner of the locker room after spin class? I guess if Beautiful Brady Quinn can't revive to storied franchise famous for the Dawg Pound, he's got a decent shot to revive the He-Man franchise in time for a Dec. 27th match-up with Skeletor.

Let's go ahead and make Braylon Edwards the poster child for the demise of a team with one of the most explosive offenses in the league 2 years ago. In addition to leading the NFL in dropped passes, Stonehands "led" (and I use that term loosely) the team in receiving yards and TD's, with 3(!) last season. As a team, Cleveland had 11 TOTAL receiving touchdowns in '08. Pretty impressive considering that's half the amount of interceptions thrown by their quarterbacks combined. Factor in those astonishing 6 total rushing touchdowns and 4 fumbles lost and we get a TD to TO ratio of 17: 24.

17 touchdowns.

24 turnovers.

Yikes.

Now, if you are the 04-05 Ravens, that just over 1 touchdown a game average is perfectly acceptable; since it's nullified by your murderous defense. These Turds aren't quite as lucky. Full of career under-achievers and guys I've never heard of, the Browns flaccid defense really gave the Awffense a run for its money last year in sucktitude; with only 5 teams allowing more yards than Cleveland.

If you set an O/U for "Interceptions by Brown defenders in 2008" at 2.5, I'd hop on the over quicker than Jables on a Thai hooker's tit. And then I'd feel like an asshole when I found out that the entire team combined to intercept TWO passes. Two. 2. II. Or, 1 less meaningful reception than Braylon Edwards made all season.

Epitome of how bad I think the Browns are? Their only bright spots are the return of the league's leading tackler in D'Qwell Jackson, dangerous return-man Josh Cribbs (hopefully) and NOT having to witness Romeo Crennel's famed "mid-day feedings" which may or may not have contributed to last year's outbreak of staph infection.

Jesus, when you put it all down on paper, these guys are really a fucking trainwreck. Though, there's probably nobetter place for Donte Stallworth to be than not playing football. Jamal Lewis is probably an ideal mentor/boyfriend. Poor Moses Cleveland...