Worst to First #26

The pre-season has begun and our collective semi-bone is creating a bulge that neither sandbags nor concrete dam could prevent from exploding in less than a month's time. With that said, allow us to stroke the fire, so to speak, and preview all 32 teams. Beginning with who we think will suck the most, and ending with who we think will suck the best.

b. Lee, come on down.


Alzheimer's Al


I liken the ridiculous "Time Travel" storyline in Lost to the transition made by the band 311 when they stopped getting high all the time and started believing in aliens. Both became less compelling and ultimately ridiculous, as a result. Kind of like Al Davis' tenure as the owner of the Raiders over the last decade. Sure, they made a Super Bowl, and got trounced. Since then (2002), Oakland's best record has been 5-11. Which to be fair, they have achieved twice. So they got that going for them.

For years, Al Davis has been meddling with the team's structure, desperately seeking the elusive vertical passing game, firing coaches and just generally creeping people out. And in 2008, it finally paid off, and to the tune of over 2,300 passing yards! Look out! Yep, that's almost ONE HUNDRED AND FIFTY yards a game! But to be fair, the Raiders did have to face the vaunted Denver, San Diego and Kansas City defenses 6 times last year (all of whom ranked 26th or lower in pass defense).

So to bolster this pathetic passing offense, Crazy Al went out and drafted #1 receiving prospect Michael Crabtree, who will surely help to stabilize this floundering attack...

What's that? They didn't draft Crabtree.

Then who did they draft?

They drafted who?

Darrius Heyward-Bey.

Who the fuck is that?

Are you joking?

Oh, well, looks like the Raiders haven't improved their passing attack after all.

However, if Darren Mac can stay on the field this year, then the Raiders should be able to improve on their 10th ranked rushing game. That's right, 10th! They will of course have to put the ball into the end zone a lot more than 9 times this season if they're going to run for nearly 2,000 yards again, especially considering the futility of their non-improving passing game.

And will the Raiders' defense even be able to even stop the run this season? With the NFL's second worst rushing defense in 2008, management responded to this statistic by going out and drafting a defensive end and attracting the pass rushing Greg Ellis over from Dallas. Two good moves, even though neither of them actually addresses the issue. Defensive lines are, more often than not, vulnerable up the middle, and not on the edges. So again, good call Papa Al. Good thing your secondary boasts perhaps the best CB in the NFL (next to my main man, Champ, of course) in Nnamdi Asomugha. But if anything, this is just going to encourage teams to run the ball even more, wearing down your defense over the course of the game because your offense cannot score TD's either by land or sea... Or air.

My prediction is that the Raiders are going to be this year's Niners... From the last 5 years. They are in an absolutely horrible division with three of the weakest teams in the NFL, and as a result everyone will talk about how they could be a potential sleeper, yet they won't even end up even sniffing .500 once again.

And it's all thanks to Big Gay Al! So keep up the good work, crypt keeper. Because if this keeps up, you will be dragging your prized franchise right into the grave with you... Although neither can really happen soon enough.