How we did...

 So, considering that we are just passed the New Year, as well as the end of the NFL regular season, and because it is a time for reflection, we are going to review those NFL previews we provided way back at the end of Summer.  The New Year is a time to look ahead, rather than behind?  I fancy myself a wool coat covered in velcro: it's sticky and when it gets wet, it stays wet.  Go ahead... Run with it.  Plus, it's fun to point out how wrong Deuce had been about so many teams.

Anyway, the final rankings are on the left and the number in parentheses represents our original prediction... Let the bloodbath begin.

Go on...

Worst to First #1

The REGULAR season has begun and our collective semi-bone is creating a bulge that neither sandbags nor concrete dam could prevent from exploding in less than a month's time. With that said, allow us to stroke the fire, so to speak, and preview all 32 teams. Beginning with who we think will suck the most, and ending with who we think will suck the best.

b. Lee, FINISH HIM!!!

One. And Done.


And thank the good lord.

As you may have been able to deduce at this point, we believe that the Pittsburgh Steelers suck the best out of all 32 NFL teams.

And why is this? We're not really sure. I guess it's just because they were the last team standing in 2009.

But please do not take this prognostication as any kind of indicator that we think the Steelers are the best team in the league. I mean shit, did you watch that game last night? Willie Parker couldn't run his way through a wet paper bag... With this scissors in his hands. Big Ben looks old and gimpy, although still very, very clutch. Santonio, on the other hand, looks dynamite and the defense still looks to be pretty solid, so long as Polamalu is okay (although, it doesn't look like he is).

As everyone knows repeat performances are not easy, and we just do not see the Steelers being able to do so. The AFC is stronger than it was last year, even if only slightly. Without that home run threat in the backfield (no Mewelde Moore does not count as such), then the Steelers offense becomes very one-dimensional and very Ben-centered. There are worse scenarios that one can think of (see Stafford, Matthew), but there other, more high caliber scenarios as well (see Brady, Tom), which in the end are going to make things very difficult for the Steel City.

But fuck it, I'm done with this garbage, for the Season is upon us. So let's just see how it all shakes out shall we? Thanks for putting up with this for the last few weeks. We hope to mix in some non-football-related content soon enough, but we make no promises.

Speaking of which, is it hockey season yet?

Worst to First #2

The pre-season has begun and our collective semi-bone is creating a bulge that neither sandbags nor concrete dam could prevent from exploding in less than a month's time. With that said, allow us to stroke the fire, so to speak, and preview all 32 teams. Beginning with who we think will suck the most, and ending with who we think will suck the best.

Clean up in aisle 2. Deuce shit himself in the candy aisle again.

Reverse Psychology


And now for the portion of Worst to First where we attempt to openly jinx a team that we openly despise.

The Giants are a fantastic ball club. Even when they stole the Super Bowl from the would-be best team ever, they were still a great team. Solid defense, sneaky offense, red-faced coach. How can anyone even compete with that? Short answer: they can't. No one can.

I am sure the Giants won't suffer from the loss of arguably their best running back (and non-arguably best receiving running back). Nope, Ahmad Bradshaw will definitely be able to fill that role, even if his fumbles outnumbered his touchdowns 2-1, last year... And literally.

And I have no doubts that brittle Brandon Jacobs will be able to play the full season, even if, for some unthinkable reason, Bradshaw cannot step to the plate. I mean, he's due for a full, healthy season right? I just don't see anything that can hurt him this year. Not even that upright running style that exposes his knees to heavy impact...

And besides, Eli just signed a huge contract. There is no way that he rests on his laurels. No, sir. The man wants to show management that he deserves all that money, and so he is going to go out and earn it. And with that Antiquing binge he no doubt went on after his first payday, he should be a happy boy come each and every Sunday.

No Plaxico? No problem. For management went out and drafted ACC phenom Hakeem Nicks. Should just be a matter of time before he is making cornerbacks fall on their faces and catching heartbreaking touchdowns in the corner of the end zone. One thing is for certain, if the Giants keep up that breakneck 197 yard passing average, then I don't care what defense they are going up against, they will not be stopped. Never!

But the real story of the Giants is on the defensive side of the ball. And who knows maybe the return of Osi Umeniyora will actually improve an already top 10 defense. A defense that last year allowed fewer than 100 yards rushing per game, and fewer than 200 yards passing per game. A defense that only allows 18 points per game... Yeah, so maybe, they will be better.

God, this got really depressing all of a sudden.

Okay, look; the Giants are fucking good. But, they also happen to play in the best division in all of football (Texans aren't as good as advertised, Colts are better, but either way, fuck the AFC South). This means that the Giants are going to need some serious help on both sides of the ball. If the defense continues to be a beast, then it should pretty much assure them entry into January (to name one place). However, if the offense doesn't improve, then that will be as far as they go. The loss of Bradshaw is a significant one, and based on recent fantasy drafts Hakeem Nicks' expectations league-wide may be a little inflated at the moment.

But, considering the Giants are the very reason why I am stuck in a prison of bias, and why you will have to listen to Patriots-heavy diatribes all Fall and Winter long, I hope this team goes down in flames. Fucking BIG flames. But to be honest, I don't see that happening. Instead, I see them playing the Chargers in the Super Bowl, and gulp, winning it all.

A man can still hate can't he?

Worst to First #3

The pre-season has begun and our collective semi-bone is creating a bulge that neither sandbags nor concrete dam could prevent from exploding in less than a month's time. With that said, allow us to stroke the fire, so to speak, and preview all 32 teams. Beginning with who we think will suck the most, and ending with who we think will suck the best.

Is b. Lee gonna have to choke a bitch?

Coalescence



Here's the problem with warm weather teams:

They suck.

Generally speaking, anyway.

The other thing that sucks about them is that even in lieu of their delicate complexions and west coast offenses, the NFL rewards these teams by putting the Super Bowl in a perpetually warm and/or climate controlled location every year. Just seems unfair. Which is why I hate warm weather teams earning bye weeks and home field advantages come playoff time. It just never feels earned. And don't think for a second that dome teams are exempt from this grouping either!

I mean, you had 8 games in balmy conditions. Oh okay, maybe it rained one day, but it was a nice rain, most likely. Chances are you got to play at least two other games in either a dome or a warm-weather climate. Plus, the first two months of the season generally offer fair conditions even in Buffalo during mid-October. So, at worst, a team from a warmer clime is potentially looking at a mere, two potentially bad weather/cold climate games.

Kind of like the Cardinals last year. Remember them? They backed into the playoffs, after an extremely hot start. Up until the end of November, the only cold space that had journeyed to was Seattle... Brrrr... That is up until they arrived in Philly on Thanksgiving night... And got worked. And then once again a few weeks later in Foxboro... Where they once again got worked. I mean, this team was straight up embarrassed in both of these games. So imagine my chagrin when I see these redded snowbirds arriving in Tampa the first weekend in February. Just felt unearned.

The Chargers are another team that have struggled mightily to earn our respect. Combined record on the road in 2008: 3-5. The only victories coming against the Chiefs, the Raiders, and Bucs. Not the strongest of trios these eyes have seen. Also, climbing into the playoffs with an 8-8 record, when there were some teams on the outside looking in with 11-5 records... Ahem. Not cool.

I mean, the coldest place this team has been post-December is the creepy confines of an Indianapolis warehouse, pregnant with the bible-thumping dredges of real America, piping in artificial static, casting dispersions on the wicked... But I digress.

And I'm not making light of this. Shit, I wouldn't want to be in Indy come the first weekend on January, sheltered or otherwise. But the fact that this was the second year in-a-row that the Chargers were able to defeat the Colts on their own dance floor, is rather impressive. Kudos are in order. But, even after these victories, there has always been one final team getting in their way, typically located in the Northeast portion of the United States. Yes, sir. Those waters always seem to be a little too choppy for these surfers come January. Sure, they have the Santa Ana winds, but there ain't no wind like a Nwangland wind after the New Year.

But this year, this is the year for the Chargers. Why? For the exact reasons mentioned above. They're not going to have to earn anything this year (with the exception of an assault and battery acquittal for Mr. Merriman, who apparently can't handle his Tequila shots). San Diego is going to cruise through their division. Sure, they have to do battle with the Steelers, Giants, Eagles, and Ravens, but they will at least split these games, and are therefore looking at a 13-3 record. And if the Patriots and Steelers stumble at least a little, then there's really nothing stopping the Chargers from enjoying a nice trip to Tijuana prior to the Divisional playoff game at Qualcomm.

Sure, their pass defense was downright rotten last year, but against the likes of Orton, JeMarcus, the Chiefs, and Flacco, they should be able to manage. And if Merriman can get his lawsuit tossed or at least delayed, then the pass rush should improve, aiding their spotty secondary Plus, Vincent Jackson is going to be a top 5 wide receiver this year (Yuh Bird?!?), so you know, they got that going for them as well. And they are finally going to be healthy.

And perhaps more of all, it seems as if the Chargers might be ready to earn that passage to the next level. After two marginally successful playoff runs, they may in fact be ready to make the jump. No, I am not discarding general principles. Warm weather teams still suck. But that's the danger of stereotypes; even if they generally apply, a hard and fast subscription to them can get you into trouble. Besides, THE SHEET drops tomorrow, and if there is a time and a place for offensive stereotypes, then that's it. So this year, I am going to be flexible in my judgments. So much so, that I'm calling the Chargers the champions of the AFC.

Let's just hope Miami isn't too cold for them come February.

Worst to First #3... I mean #5

The pre-season has begun and our collective semi-bone is creating a bulge that neither sandbags nor concrete dam could prevent from exploding in less than a month's time. With that said, allow us to stroke the fire, so to speak, and preview all 32 teams. Beginning with who we think will suck the most, and ending with who we think will suck the best.


Please bring us fire in the night, Deuce.


The Swiss Army Knife

So, I was supposed to drop an Eagles preview yesterday, and I didn't. Woe is us. Not like anybody reads this shit anyways. The more I thought about it though, the more I realized that perhaps it was subconscious. The Eagles at #5? Not in my eyes, hombre. Not with the seemingly random, potentially useful at times, potentially wasteful at times talent that management has finally surrounded D-Nabb with. Nah, these guys are better than the Giants. And since B.lee called me a derogatory name this morning, I decided to FUCK HIM and bump the Iggles up to Numero Tres. I like things in linear order.

This Eagles offense IS a Swiss Army knife of firepower. Every time I look at the roster, I am reminded of some other WR/RB/Fast Guy I had forgotten existed in the cache. Kinda like the plastic toothpick of a Swiss Army Knife. Anyone use that over a regular toothpick, pen cap, fingernail or pubic hair? Didn't think so.

I'm a little surprised by the lack of love Philly is getting. Granted, they play in bar-none the most brutal division in the league. But this offense has a bounty of scissors, knives, files, allen wrenches, tweezers and saws just waiting to be unfurled and unleashed upon the rest of the NFC. The Eagles hurdle for the last however-many-years-McNabb- has-been-playing has been the lack of talent at the skill positions on offense. Sure, Brian Westbrook has been one of the more versatile backs in the the NFL for quite some time. But that's mostly been out of necessity. They ain't had another set of hands reliable enough to catch the ball other than him. And he ain't been reliable enough to stay on the field for more than a month consecutive. All nagging problems when you have a talented, veteran QB and one of the most consistently dominant Defenses of this decade. (Jim Johnson...R.I.P.)

So, what does a man do when he is consistently faced with a zip-tie that won't break? A piece of wood that needs engraving? A nagging hangnail? A bottle of Wisco Gold that needs opening? He goes out and finds himself one tool to rule them all. The Eagles have quietly stockpiled a multitude of tools, which when combined should have the ability to solve any problem, and score from any position.

A team that used to rely on Freddie Mitchells and Greg Lewis' and Hank Basketts and peg-legged TO's to make plays, now employs Westbrook Vista in rookie LeSean McCoy. It has ultra-incendiary deep threats in DeSean Jackson and newbie Maclin. It still has Original Westbrook XP and the Original Rule-3, Soup McNabb. And it has a beefed-up, steam-rolling offensive line. And that is before I even mention the man who has given the NFL some of the most ridiculous play on, and off, the field this century. The man responsible for herpes, a gun-toting brother and doggie genocide also was the Wildcat's unborn fetus and record-setting rusher from behind center...

Ron Fucking Mexico. You served your penance. You have been rehabilitated. You've been forced to be respectful to PETA. I now feel comfortable saying...Welcome back you crazy sonofabitch.

Weapons, playmakers...overflowing from the Eagles offense. How/when/for what purposes does Fat Andy intend to use these tools? That's above my paygrade and body fat index. But what's important is that he has them all available. Maybe a situation calls for a sharp knife; maybe it calls for a ruler. Either way, the Eagles seem to have the prescribed tool(s) for each. And if the defense remains true-to-form, or even rallies to a higher plane on the memory & devotion to their fallen Blitzin' Maestro, this is the team to beat in the NFC. And also, my NFC Super Bowl prediction. Yeah, I said it.

Shit...wait...there's no Stopwatch attachment on a Swiss Army Knife? Uhhh, there also isn't an Idiot's Guide to Timeouts?

Fucking useless piece of shit paperweight.

Worst to First #4

The pre-season has begun and our collective semi-bone is creating a bulge that neither sandbags nor concrete dam could prevent from exploding in less than a month's time. With that said, allow us to stroke the fire, so to speak, and preview all 32 teams. Beginning with who we think will suck the most, and ending with who we think will suck the best.

Thou shalt honor thy team, b. Lee.

O Captain. My Captain.



A fan's relationship with his/her head coach can often be a tenuous affair. We question their every move. Why didn't you sign Player A? Why did you trade Player B? What on earth were you think calling a draw on 3rd and 8 from the opposing 40? We needed a field goal! Why the fuck didn't you draft Maualuga?! And most all of these questions occur before the actual season has even begun.

But in a place like New England, it has become very difficult to question anything that Bill Belichick has ever done... And I mean fucking EVER.

Beli-dat came to the Pats in 2000 after an ever-so-shady departure from the Jets (apples never fall too far from the Parcells tree), and did not get off to the greatest of starts, leading the Pats to a 5-11 record. However, since that time, the Patriots have enjoyed 8 consecutive winning seasons, including 6 (minus 1 because BFF fucked it all up as usual) playoff appearances, 4 trips to the Super Bowl, and over the last 6 years an average record of 13-3. Yikes.

The amazing part is when you look at the rosters that the Patriots were bringing into each season. Quick; aside from Tom Brady and Adam Vinatieri (a kicker?), name a stud from the 2001 Super Bowl team...

Maybe you said Ty Law? Antowain Smith? Roman Phifer? Troy Mother Fucking Brown (can't say Troy Brown without those two words in the middle. NFL law.)? Well, they did have Richard Seymour and his 3.0 sacks that year, so that was pretty huge. But, just look at that team. They had no business even being in the playoffs, let alone carrying home the famed football phallus of champions.

And aside from the 2007 team that did NOT win a Super Bowl, what was ever so special about the Patriots' personnel? A Twilit Corey Dillon, a flash-in-the-pan Deion Branch, midget Bruschi, Visa's 5 layers of protection, and Daniel Graham. Of course, I am leaving out the Son of God, but I think the point is clear. And aside from our beloved celestial spirit, the one enduring aspect of this franchise has been it's head coach... The sleeveless wonder... The hooded warrior... "Verbal" Bill Belichick.

People hate this guy. I mean like, really fucking hate this guy. And with good reason. What with spygate, his complete lack of interest in being interesting or revealing, and his general dickishness, there ain't much to like if your horse happens to reside in a different NFL city. But, if you are a Patriots fan, then there ain't nothing this mother fucker can do wrong... Look at the record, check out the rings, and how about my quarterback?

You let Asante go? He probably wanted too much money.

You traded Richard Seymour? I'm sure you had a good reason.

You fucked my wife? I probably had it coming.

Chad fucking Jackson? He must have discovered crack or meth after the draft.

YOU DIDN'T DRAFT MAUALUGA?!? Fuck... He's probably soft, or something, I guess.

Yet through all of these perceived missteps, the Pats are still expected to be Super Bowl contenders this year. The secondary is weak? It's always been weak and yet the Patriots have had a top 10 defense just about every year he has been in town. The running game lacks a game-breaker? It has always lacked a game-breaker and yet the offense, even when led by the backup quarterback is still lights out. Tom Brady is getting Crows' Feet around the eyes? Shit man, even the Mona Lisa is falling apart and yet he's still better looking than you.

Point is, Bill Belichick could probably talk me into fucking myself, and I would have no reason to believe that it isn't in my best interest. The Patriots should have 5 different place kickers on the roster, and no backup corners? If you say so, buddy. Brady is losing a step and needs to be replaced? Whoa, now... Take a deep breath and table that little notion. But even if things do start getting really weird and it comes to the point where Coach Belichick needs to be removed from the front office in a strait-jacket, I'll probably still be calling for his services three years after the fact, even resorting to Bottle Rocket-looney bin breaks to get him back on the sidelines.

We don't worship false gods around here. We're of puritanical legacies. We worship results! And in lieu of this religion, we live by a strict observance:

In Bill We Trust.

Worst to First #6

The pre-season has begun and our collective semi-bone is creating a bulge that neither sandbags nor concrete dam could prevent from exploding in less than a month's time. With that said, allow us to stroke the fire, so to speak, and preview all 32 teams. Beginning with who we think will suck the most, and ending with who we think will suck the best.

Keep your pimp-hand strong, Deuce.

The Anti-Sleeper

I'm not sure how to follow-up the bristly, Brawny, delusional debut of the one known as The Ginge (we speak American in these parts) except to put an exclamation point on the last remaining non-top 5 caliber team of the 2009-2010 season: the Peregines of the South, the artists-formerly-known-as The Dirty Birds, the Atlanta Falcons. While the 49ers and Texans carry the torch of sleeper for the league this season, it is the Blackbirds who I am anointing the Anti-Sleeper of this season.

FSDictionary defines sleeper as "a team most likely or able to exceed expectations, predictions and/or talent level by achieving an unprecedented level of success; usually based on a promising finish to the previous season." The inverse of this being a team most likely to underachieve or fall far below inflated expectations due to their sleeper status of the previous season. If that didn't give you a headache, then you didn't drink nearly enough Johnnie Walker Black straight from the bottle this weekend.

Everyone seems pretty quick to doubt, say the Cowboys or Colts this year, predicting they could be the anti-sleepers who begin to slide into mediocrity. Somehow Atlanta is getting a free pass as the national media has taken for granted that yes, they ARE as good as they played last year. Lost in the conversation is how many career years, rookie contributions and lucky breaks went Atlanta's way last year on their run to the playoffs.

Ignored is the fact that their former rookie head coach is now a second-year head coach, coming off of a way-too-successful season. In other words, likely doomed to be exposed. (See: Tice, Mike. Jauron, Dick. Del Rio, Jack).

Forgotten is that their Goldilocked QB is only in HIS second-year, prime for a ROY letdown season. And that their studly WR, Rowdy Whideout just inked himself a few more millions of dollars. Strong evidence of brewing diva/pain-in-the-ass/lacksadasical efforts from one of last year's top receivers. Turner the Burner? I don't give a shit about how many carries he had last year. That's no reason to assume he'll be worse. But what IS cause for concern is the sample size. Much like Matty Lite and Coach What's-His-Name, Turner has yet to show that he can produce at an elite level for consecutive seasons as the workhorse. And if he were to get injured? Jerious Cocktease Norwood ain't gonna cut it.

I'm by no means doubting the pure talent of White, Turner, Ryan and Associates. White is the rare stretch-the-field speed threat who is big and sure-handed enough to play the possession receiver role. And Turner runs like his dick is on fire. I'm simply concerned that unlike last season, the parts may be greater than the sum. Exhibit A being the turdbomb they dropped against the Redbirds in the playoffs last season.

The defense is still questionable, even with John Abraham, and their fans still wish Ryan were blacker, badder and more adept at electrocution. Though I do love the Tony Gonzalez addition on a number of levels (veteran savvy and leadership, aching desire to win a Super Bowl, go-to 3rd down threat, super-smoking wife), there are a lot of variables in play with this team that could knock them down a peg or two.

Can they win in pressure situations? Can they win consistently on the road? Can they stay healthy and fortunate?

Maybe, maybe, and perhaps.

But if not, anyone riding the wave of Dirty South Kool-Aid is probably waking up with egg on their face while "this year's Falcons" enjoy a soothing post-coital drag of a cigarette and a few more hours of sleep.

Why so short? Blame The Ginge's verbal diarrhea.

Worst to First #7

The pre-season has begun and our collective semi-bone is creating a bulge that neither sandbags nor concrete dam could prevent from exploding in less than a month's time. With that said, allow us to stroke the fire, so to speak, and preview all 32 teams. Beginning with who we think will suck the most, and ending with who we think will suck the best.

Look! Up in the sky!

It's a Cheeto!

It's a David Caruso!

No!

It's Le Ginge!


Best Friends Forever


There hasn’t been this much excitement surrounding the Purple since 1998. This team has been in the headlines for most of the off-season, and will try and stay in the headlines this upcoming football season. The Minnesota Vikings have been talked about constantly on every sports medium for the last 4 months. All that talk has centered on the so-called, “Self-Centered” QB known to most as #4.

That’s Right!! BFF has finally made his decision to come out of his 2nd annual retirement and guide the Vikings’ ship to the destination they haven’t been to in over 30 years, The Super Bowl. Frankly, I don’t care if he purposely skipped training camp, is a diva or was a fudge-Packer… I just care that he is not T-Jack. Last season ended with T-Jack’s patented “Pick Six” against the Eagles in the playoffs, and there is no worse feeling coming into a new year, than knowing that your QB is shakier than myself after this three-day holiday bender.

Aspirations and expectations are high for this squad. But are they valid? What is a successful season? What is a failure? Lets take a look at the recent history of this once proud franchise for more insight.

Historically we all associate the Vikings with a dominant defense and “The Purple People Eaters” but over the last 15+ years, this franchise has been all about offense. Dennis Green took over as head coach in 1992. Within a few years he assembled an offensive force. Randy Moss, Robert Smith, Chris Carter, “3 Deep”, the NFL’s single season points record (since eclipsed by the Pats in 2007) set in 1998. This led to nothing but high hopes, heartache, and let downs – thanks Gary Andersen (nice effing kick).

That all changed when Zygi Wilf bought the franchise from a used car dealer named Red McCombs. McCombs ran the team on the cheap and was always well under the leagues salary cap. Despite the small payroll, the Vikings continued an offensive philosophy and a respectful record in most seasons, but never reaching that elusive Super Bowl.

Enter Wilf and his deep pockets. He brought in Brad “Chilly” Childress as head coach to shape up a dysfunctional bunch of misfits and prima donnas. Fresh off an infamous “Love Boat” scandal that left the franchise scarred, and many hookers and strippers sore, the Vikings were in an all out franchise rebuilding mode. Changing to a Tampa 2 defense under Mike Tomlin, the Vikings have become the #1 rushing defense in the NFL over the last few seasons. The Pass defense has steadily improved as well making this current overall unit, one of the best in Vikings History.

The defensive line boasts 2 Star (cap) defensive tackles: Pat and Kevin Williams. These two have meshed perfectly over the years forming a solid interior that opposing teams don’t even try to penetrate any more. Add in high priced trade acquisition Jared “Mullet” Allen and Ray Edwards on the ends, and you have the best defensive line in the league. Some teams may have better ends, but no team has the overall force the Vikings do.

The Linebackers have been built through the draft and free agency. Chad Greenway and Ben Leber on the outside are very versatile and very solid. Greenway is in position to make a run at the Pro-bowl after leading the team in tackles last season with 115. The main reason he lead the team…EJ Henderson, the former Butkus award winner was lost for the 2008 season. Henderson was slow to develop, but he has come on as maybe the NFC’s best. Henderson had a great 2007 recording 118 tackles and in 2008 had 27 tackles in just over 3 games, a pace of nearly 144 for the season. If you do nothing else while watching this defense, focus on #56. A true leader and beast, this guy will seriously EAT YOUR CHILDREN! These linebackers are perhaps the best set in the entire NFL.

With all the accolades of the front 7, the back 4 is where this defense may be vulnerable. The corners are physical and have great run stopping abilities. Highlighted by 2008 Pro Bowler Antoine Winfield, maybe the toughest pound for pound player in the league. For all that run stuffing prowess however, they do have their shortcomings in pass defense. Untested younger corners and nickelbacks, along with a new-look safety duo thanks to Darren Sharper’s departure. This defense may be in trouble if the front 7 doesn’t apply the pressure they are capable of. The Purple’s defense may rise or fall by the way this secondary handles the onslaught of pass attempts sure to come their way. Because the Williams eat running backs, teams don’t even bother running the ball, and will most likely spread their offenses and throw 50 times a game.

On offense this team has struggled some since Randy Moss was traded to Oakland in ’04 and Daunte Culpepper had his knee blown up in 2005. Since that time the Vikings have been a run first team. No longer the “3 deep” passing threat, Chilly has instilled a grind it out style and lame passing attack. Most of that lame passing attack is because of WR ineptitude, QB inconsistencysuckability and basically “Loser Denial”. Chilly’s “kick ass” offense has yet to take form, however third-year stud Adrian Peterson (hereinafter AP, All Day, Purple Jesus) is the single best player in the NFL and can score from any point on the field.

An overall look at the Offense yields the conclusion that if BFF can play mediocre and not turn the ball over, this team will control the ball and score points. The Purple Jesus is paired with Chester Taylor (tremendously underrated) in the backfield, though; Chilly refuses to line them up together on the same play. With the best tandem of running backs in the league (suck it Carolina), all #4 needs to do is hit on several key third down passes during the game and the Vikings should put up high 20s point totals weekly. And out of all the mass clothing produced in purple concerning BFF, my favorite is the one with him standing inside the state of Minnesota, peeing on the state of Wisconsin. Short, to the point, and artistic. Anyways, the OL is huge with the addition of Loadholtz from OU and Mount Mckinnie, however with the departure of Pro-Bowler Matt Birk, the O-line is unproven and perhaps over-rated, especially at right tackle. The Wide-outs are a question mark as well, with only Berrian as a true threat. Bobby “Cutler’s a pussy” Wade, Cindy (Sidney) Rice and Percy Harvin round out the position and make me want to run the ball on every play. While Percy Harvin may have been the steal of the draft, he is more a playmaker than a true wide out and if those guys can’t separate from the d-backs, Litre-a-cola will be adding to his INT record.

The only real problem with this team is the coach. Chilly (despite making the playoffs last year, had a fan approval rating of like 17%) is hated in this state for his T Jack draft pick and his unimaginative play calling. If he can loosen up, design a play of two to free up Percy, and keep good ol' BFF reigned in, then the sky is the limit for this team. The feeling in Minnesota is that anything short of making the Super Bowl is a disappointment, however, I will take an NFC championship game. I see a 12-4 record combined with some great taunting of Packer fans and perhaps a trip to Miami in the future for this squad. Peterson will rush for 1834 yards, BFF will be mentioned three bazillion times per broadcast, and hopefully T-Jack will not have to see the field. I will consume 14.5 cases of Busch Light tailgating and text Deuce and B. Lee three to four hundred times during Packer and Bear games. I can’t wait to hear Paul Allen’s voice screaming AP is off to the races…

It’s going to be a fun year. Purple Pride is alive and well – good thing, we need something besides booze to get us through our dreadful winters.

Worst to First #8

The pre-season has begun and our collective semi-bone is creating a bulge that neither sandbags nor concrete dam could prevent from exploding in less than a month's time. With that said, allow us to stroke the fire, so to speak, and preview all 32 teams. Beginning with who we think will suck the most, and ending with who we think will suck the best.

b. Lee, destroy something beautiful, would yuh?


Ghetto Fabulous




Jerry Jones is very proud of his franchise in Dallas. So too are the fans.

And they should be! Five Super Bowls, mother fucker! Recently*, the team captured 3 Super Bowls in just just four years time. Not every team can boast that kind of hardware. Not every team can be America's Team. And not every fan gets go to a game and watch their home team play on the largest (low-hanging) television in the world. It's clear that JJ cares not just for his own sterling (read: plastic) image, but also for his team and the fans alike.

But much like JJ's inspired, albeit futile battle against Father Time, all these slogans, gimmicks, bells n' whistles n' ricket-a-racket seem to be covering up one glaring fact: The Cowboys have been pretty miserable lately. And even when they had success, the wheels always seemed to come off at the most inopportune time.

Take last season for example; the Cowboys were primed for a playoff run. Even with the injury to Romo, and all the non-sense between TO and Witten, they were still in great shape. Until they let the Ravens run all over them in the 4th quarter of a Saturday night game in Week 16. But even after this game, the Cowboys still could determine their own destiny. Beat the Eagles in week 17 and play on. Instead, the Eagles straight up rolled the 'Boys, rising from the ashes and punching their own ticket to January. And this kind of behavior continues even before then.

In 2007, the Cowboys looked primed for a Super Bowl run. That is until their they were bounced from the playoffs by the Giants after a bye week spent in Mexico. Should we keep going?

How about finishing the 2006 season losing three out of their last four, before a case of the grease fingers cost them in the playoffs?

2005: Losing to the 5-9 Rams in week 17 and finishing at 9-7 instead of 10-6. But there is really no need to go back this far, for this is prior to the Romo era, and anything more could certainly be considered to be torturing the point.

Boy, too bad that big LCD screen wasn't around during week 16 of last season. I bet McClain and McGahee (The Potato Bros.) would have looked real good bombing 80 yards downfield and into the end zone. Word on the street is that that new TV is so big, that you can actually see people's dreams shattering to pieces in the standing-room only section of the new stadium.

But of course, it is a new year, with a new stadium, and probably 1,000-5,000 brand new Cowboy "fans" primed for the new day. Ready to make a run at that suddenly elusive playoff victory. The only problem is that the Cowboys are in no way better this year, than they were in the last. If anything, they are worse.

That's what happens when you lose one of the best wide receivers in the game, right? And when you replace him with, well, no one. Sure the running game will be stronger this year. Barber should be healthy and First-Down Felix Jones should help reduce the Cowboys reliance on TO to maintain possession and keep the chains moving. But, it still seems like the Cowboys, and Romo specifically, are going to be relying just a little too much on Witten to get the job done. If anything, the offense is now short a valuable dimension, even if the front office has reduced their need for PR in the No-TO era.

Combine this offensive predictability, with a knack for both the offensive and defensive lines to soften up down the stretch and it is hard to see Dallas making any kind of real run at a Super Bowl this year. Playoffs, perhaps. But, not a Super Bowl. Not this year and not in the NFC.

In 2009, the Cowboys look to be living the ghetto fabulous lifestyle. On the exterior, things are shiny and clean. People will stare as they roll by and playaz will be jealous. But just remember, that behind all that bling ain't nothing but a stack of child support bills a bad credit rating, and an empty gas tank. Sooner or later it will be exposed. And we will all get to see it...

In crystal clear hi-def.


PS. You asked for this Ache-Man

Worst to First #9

The pre-season has begun and our collective semi-bone is creating a bulge that neither sandbags nor concrete dam could prevent from exploding in less than a month's time. With that said, allow us to stroke the fire, so to speak, and preview all 32 teams. Beginning with who we think will suck the most, and ending with who we think will suck the best.

Drop some heat, b. Lee


The Crossroads



For the last 10 years, the Colts have been football enemy #1. To be honest, for the last decade they have been downright frightening. Sure, they have hid for a long time behind their quarterback's hokie doke appearance, their lead receiver's business-like approach to catching touchdowns, and of course, their coach's reserved, yet respected bigotry. Combine this with the general shadiness of the entire state of Indiana and we damn near have the rudimentary basis for a horror film.

We'd call it Unlucky Charms. We'd have Rob Zombie direct it. It would most likely be gritty, unsettling, and feature that clown guy from the Devil's Rejects at one point or another. Of course, Mr. Zombie would need to let said clown guy out from beneath his basement porch where he keeps him in between shoots.

And for years, this prelude to a nightmare (see what I did there?) has kept me up at night on at least one Saturday each and every Fall. I know, football is about macho confidence characterized by a balls up cant-see-me spirit. But, this wolf in unicorns clothing really knows how to suck the mojo out of my fandom. Even with the statistical ownership of the Colts during the Manning era (11-4 overall, including 9-3 in the regular season and 2-1 in the playoffs since 1998), there has always been a seemingly unfounded anxiety whenever the Colts were taking on not just my team, but me as well.

Kind of like fans of the Roadrunner being nervous about the prospects of Senor Coyote making the collar, right? Well not so, considering that in the last 4 meetings, the Colts are 3-1 against my team (and myself) and also have a more recent Super Bowl to boot.

But this is the year that things return to form, no? The golden child is back, the Colts are a team in transition, and the AFC South is no picnic. One has to figure that by week 10, the Colts will be sufficiently softened up and ripe for the picking...

Right?

With the Colts soft run defense, the perpetual absence of Bob Sanders, and the addition of a brand new defensive coordinator, there's no way the Colts can compete with my top notch offense...

Right?

And on the other side of the ball, without Marhar, one of the worst running games in the league, and a brand new coach calling the shots, the Colts are going to suffer an anemia most often associated with southern California rather than the Midwest...

Right...?

The Colts appear to be a team at an inevitable crossroads; Peyton Manning is dropping in league-wide quarterback rankings, a new coach is expected to assume the role of the steady captain so admirably played previously by Capt. Dungy, and an inconsistent defense may need to play a more pivotal role in a typically offensively-driven game plan. Can these things happen? Can Indy continue down the path that they have always traversed, or is the new navigator bent on changing things up a bit, and for the worse?

Or, instead of a crossroads, are the Colts at the edge of a cliff? A waterfall, if you will. The current, dictating the only available path, no matter how hard the crew rows against it, or how loud the leadership barks their orders. Everything about the situation suggesting that this ship is going down, whether anyone likes it or not. What matters is whether anyone makes it out alive or not... Most notably the ship itself.

In honor of full disclosure, I am a little nervous even ranking the Colts this low on the list. I feel like the bit character in every horror movie. He could be the hero, but he actually believes that the villain is dead and/or doesn't exist, yet literally has a mere 10 seconds before he finds himself at the end of a machete, butcher's knife, or zombie digestive tract. Or in NFL terms, 17 weeks time, or at least until it becomes apparent that my head is lodged straight up my ass.

But I'm hoping that this isn't real life, and that it is just a nightmare. That anytime now, I'm gonna wake up to a 3-5 ball club on the brink of elimination, with my team (me) aiming the silver bullet that could wipe them out for good come week 10, and with no chance of a sequel on the horizon.

Or, the Colts will continue their 9-game regular season winning streak and will saunter into week 10, bigger, badder, and even more... gory. But that's just not possible...

Right?

Worst to First #11 & #10

The pre-season has begun and our collective semi-bone is creating a bulge that neither sandbags nor concrete dam could prevent from exploding in less than a month's time. With that said, allow us to stroke the fire, so to speak, and preview all 32 teams. Beginning with who we think will suck the most, and ending with who we think will suck the best.

b. Lee, Tell 'em what your name is,


Prudish Behavior


If the Cards-Saints preview could be likened to Tara Reid, then allow me to introduce you to the Neve Campbell of NFL previews. In other words, if offense is nudism, then defense is prudism...

I mean for fuck's sake, Neve! You were in Wild Things! EVERYONE got naked in that movie, except you! Pretty sure I saw Bacon balls in that shit... FUCK! Tara Reid can't even keep her clothes on long enough to order a fucking Big Mac, but you... Are you a never-nude?

Where was I? Oh right, boobies. Or the lack thereof.

The Ravens and Titans met on a tragic day in January of 2009, when the Ravens mustered a staggering 211 yards of total offense, the Titans managed to put a grand total of 10 points on the board, and together, these teams combined for two full quarters of shutout football. So are we complementing defense, or scolding offense here? I'm not even sure anymore.

It should be noted, that these considerably intimidating defenses also combined for 1 sack and one interception throughout the course of the entire game. Meanwhile, the Titans offense found it fit to lay the ball on the ground 5 times throughout the course of this mind-numbing battle (they only lost 2 of those, however).

But to be fair to Tennessee's offense, over the course of the regular season they did average .7 more yards passing per game than Flacco's seagulls (but also, .7 points fewer per game). So they got that going for them. And both offenses do have top 10 running games (148 PG for B-more and 137 for the Tits), which is sure to stimulate even the most erectile dysfunctional amongst us. And with the return of Ray Rice from injury, and Lendale White from maternity leave, both offenses look primed to return back into the top 10 this season.

In fact, both of these teams are going to do exactly what they did last year, right down to convincing broadcasters to pontificate on the virtues of each subpar quarterback that gets the opportunity the take snaps for either team. No, Kerry Collins still does not have it. In fact, he never did. Yes, Flacco does look like a Bert without an Ernie out there most of the time last year. So I guess there was something entertaining out there after all. Shit, I love Sesame Street.

Let's just hope that this isn't the extent of the entertainment value put forth by either team. For there is hope. As long as Chris Johnson and Ray Rice get to touch the ball regly, then we should see some fireworks. I mean, it will be the kind of fireworks that never actually get off the ground. So like a cherry bomb... But cooler... If only by a little bit.

The good news is that the pride, joy, and saving grace for both of these teams, defense, has taken a hit since last season. Tennessee lost their stalwart lynch pin in Chocolate Staynesworth, and B-more's finest had to bid farewell to Sack of Suggs. Which is good news, because if either of these teams start letting up points, then there is no way that their offense is going to be able to keep them in the game. Meaning, more losses... ERGO, no playoffs... MEANING, that we won't have to watch these jackasses pollute our valued HD possessions come cold January. Can I get a Fuck Yeah?!

Unfortunately, with the exception of the Patriots, Chargers, and maybe the Colts or Texans, the AFC really does not have the offensive firepower to prevent both of these teams from making the playoffs, but maybe we can hope for just one not to make it?

But, b. Lee, I LIKE good defense. And I LIKE smashmouth football.

Well, little Timmy, you're an asshole. The only people that like this stuff are the people that live in Pittsburgh, Baltimore, and Chicago. And as we all know, those are all just terrible places to live, so what salt can we really put into these opinions? Not much.

So here's to a suckfree January folks! Because winter is long enough as is, and we don't need any overly modest ball clubs refusing to keep us warm while we enjoy our favorite pastime. I mean, we want to see some skin, so come on over Tara, and bring your loose friends along with you, because we are an open society with only one small restriction:

No Neves Allowed!

Worst to First #12

The pre-season has begun and our collective semi-bone is creating a bulge that neither sandbags nor concrete dam could prevent from exploding in less than a month's time. With that said, allow us to stroke the fire, so to speak, and preview all 32 teams. Beginning with who we think will suck the most, and ending with who we think will suck the best.

Rant and rave, Deuce...


Cutler's Next Stand

I am an unabashed and life-long fan of the Chicago Bears, more so than any other team from the Windy Cit-tay.

I am without a doubt the most critical, cynical and pessmisstic person I know in regards to these same Chicago Bears.

Both of the above statements are true. Take from this what you will.

There is a lot of buzz around the 2009 Chicago Bears. And for the first time in almost 5 years, it's a buzz centering on the promise and potential of a playoff, perhaps even Super Bowl, type-season as opposed to the pitfalls of either an incompetent or ineffective quarterback. Hell, even Peter the King is backing the Bear Cubs! (Shit!!!)

It's hard to find fault in the ownership of the team for taking a risk and bringing in a hot young quarterback with questionable character to a team full of (mostly) veterans. Especially one that shares some frighteningly similar tendencies to one Sex Grossman. But all pouty faces, metro photo shoots and double-chins aside, Jay Cutler is the best quarterback to wear a Bears uniform in over 20 years. That itself already makes this season a success. Points also awarded for bringing in the Pacemaker for added protection.

For the first time that I can remember in my lifetime, the Chicago Bears are looking with expectant eyes to their defense to carry it's own weight and provide a complement which should be (in comparisons sake) a pretty dynamic and high-scoring offense. Between the Cutler-Olsen-Olsen's Wife menage-a-trois of chemistry, the continued (albeit very, very slow) progression of Anytime Hester as an offensive threat, and some young wide-outs filled with false promises of upside, the Bears should have a legitimate passing attack for the first time in many moons. This all lessens the load on Forte the Workhorse, who will probably remain the focal point of the offense because of his versatility, his hands, vision and nose for the end zone. Though, it wouldn't hurt to see him lower a shoulder and run over a bitch every now and again.

So yes, yes the offense will be great by Chicago standards. Meaning adequate in normal NFL jargon. The true concern is with a defense that got old quickly after hosting a Super Bowl run in '05. How concerned am I? VERY FUCKING CONCERNED:

• Face of the Franchise Brian Urlacher has seen his stats (and more importantly his impact) decrease over the last three years, along with former lock-down CB and current lightning rod Nathan Vasher.
• The proclaimed "key to the defense", highly-paid DT Tommie Harris may or may not ever be genuinely healthy again, which makes you wonder why they'd continually run a one-legged DT on the field.
• The secondary overall, with Peanut Tillman's injury, is a gigantic fucking ?
• Kevin Payne (I'll come back to him).

It's depressing to see a group, mostly still intact, that was not simply the most feared in the league 3 years ago, but possessed the legitimate ability to win a game from one side of the ball crumble like a house of cards so quickly. How the shit did this happen? That, dear readership of 4, brings us to the glaring fucking issue with the Chicago Bears of the Lovie Regime.

Philosophical. Differences.

/sigh

/deep inhale...

Lovie Smith is a shitty head football coach. He knows the game, he knows how to scheme and teach, but Brother CANNOT lead, or manage or possess any of the intangibles needed to motivate, inspire confidence and/or WIN FOOTBALL GAMES.

Defensively, Lovie Smith and Cronies have stayed more loyal to the Cover 2 than even the most insecure, self-loathing wife to a cheating husband. In spite of the fact that everyone else in the league figured the Cover 2 out about two-and-a-half years ago, when it stopped being new, and novel. Just like everyone will figure out the 3-4 and the Wildcat eventually. Loyal to the point that former DC, and Bear legend, Ron Rivera was run out of town because of his love of the blitz. A love that allowed the Bears defense to lead the league in sacks and turnovers on the way to the Super Bowl.

Naw, instead Lover Boy would rather take his most athletic defender, and piss away his freakishly unique skills and speed in the box and sideline to sideline in favor of running #54 up and down the middle of the field, covering TE's. Because that's his philosophy. The Cover 2 works. Even if it doesn't...it works, because Lovie thinks it does.

But at least they have a great strong safety to come up and fill on run coverage in Kevin Payne. Kevin Payne is known in Chicagoland for leading the league in both "Jumping on a Pile of Already Tackled Players Right Before The Whistle" and "Propelling Self Like a Missile At a Ballcarrier With His Head Down and Sans Wrap-Up".

Kevin Payne is one of the worst tacklers in the league. Maybe the worst. You wouldn't know it, because commentators love to talk about how hard and fast he comes up and hits...typically once the play is already decided. Much in the same way you don't hear about Charles Tillman's mediocre coverage skills. Instead, light is shown upon his ability to strip the ball loose on a slant route. Believe me when I say...fuck Kevin Payne. Hard to blame him for being a bad tackler though, considering the Bears don't tackle in training camp. Like, not ever. I'm serious. Lovie Smith doesn't believe in it. He's a player's coach. Too many injuries, the man says softly.

Minor examples of one of the errors in philosophy of this Bears coaching staff. "Fundamentals crucial to the position? Why bother teaching those if a guy has already mastered a marginal, occasionally useful specialty skill which can mask the mistakes he'll make?"

That's why the Bears staff preaches the importance of turnovers, or takeaways if you're into rhetoric. Why bother correcting the wrong action in the first place (reading the play, getting to your assignment, stopping the ball) when you can just find a short-cut to fix your mistake (rip the ball out instead of tackle). Other examples include:

• Why worry about scoring touchdowns, when we can just have Devin Hester run a kick or two back for 6?

And quickly followed by

• Why waste Devin Hester running back kicks and getting good field position when he can average 3 catches a game for 37 yds and draw PI on a fly route?

Cyclical retardation.

The worst culprit? Offensive coordinator Ron Turner. This is unscientific, but the Bears must have called the most audibles in the league last year. Many of which occurred on 2nd and 3rd and short. Why? Because the man is a reactionary. He doesn't want to run the play with the highest chance to gain the yards needed. He wants to run the play that fits best against the opposing defense. Regardless of down and distance. The anti-Mike Singletary, Turner has no faith in his offense's ability to EXECUTE any play he calls against any defense. He'd rather (try to) outfox and outwit the defensive scheme, with audibles and adjustments...responding to the defensive look, rather than focusing on his own unit's follow-through. Switch to a Fade route on 3rd and 1? Well if the defense is stacking the box, absolutely. Fullback give on 4th and 1? Only if the A Gap is open.

KNOCK IT THE FUCK OFF, Ron. Line up, and run the fucking ball right at 'em. And if they can't? Find players who can. Ditch the egomania and the constant need to prove you can draw up and call a timely sneaky play. You can't. Put the ball in the hands of your best players and give your fat ass and opinions in the box.

In conclusion, do the Bears have a chance to be the best team in the NFC North, maybe even the whole conference? Absolutely.

But only if the coaches don't get in the way.

Worst to First #14 & #13

The pre-season has begun and our collective semi-bone is creating a bulge that neither sandbags nor concrete dam could prevent from exploding in less than a month's time. With that said, allow us to stroke the fire, so to speak, and preview all 32 teams. Beginning with who we think will suck the most, and ending with who we think will suck the best.

My name is Deuce. Pay strict attention to what I say because I choose my words carefully, and I never repeat myself.

Finkle is Einhorn. Einhorn is Finkle.

It's a lofty day here at FSD in the NFL Preview department as we dive, dick first as always, into the greater half of football teams for the season. And what better way to start examining some of The League's true contenders than by slapping together a pair of one-dimensional, inconsistently competitive but always dangerous NFCites who share quite a bit in common; the New Orleans Saints and Arizona Cardinals (in that particular order).

Theoretically it's no matter whose 14 and whose 13, since theoretically they'll both miss the playoffs. But when either (or both) of these offenses are clicking on all cylinders, a simply marginal defensive output should push them up a few rungs into the playoff picture. How similar are these teams? Sounds like a perfect time for...

BULLET POINTS!!!

• Both teams are coached by former Offensive Coordinators of teams that went to the Big Game, oft-described as "innovative" or "masterminds." Sean Payton with the Giants, Coach Whizz with the Steelers.


• Both teams are led by offenses that score points like they're fire-bombing a small Asian village: fast, in bunches and without warning, mercy or regard for human life.


• These napalm strikes are predicated on the poise and precision of their quarterbacks; two of the best in the league for fantasy purposes and blog-related jokes about their physical malformities and religiosity. Oh and winning football games. And gay shit like leadership.


• Both teams lack a traditionally effective running game, which means they are forced to "use the pass to set up the run" (Jaworski 196). Though, I strongly attest to the fact that Pierre Thomas > Tim Hightower.


• Fortunately, both the Saints and Cardinals are outstanding at using their versatile backs in the passing game to maximize all their offensive weapons. The occasional screen or outlet to one of these RBs combined with the less-occasional big ground pick-up on a draw provides a great complement for...


• Some fucking awesome pass-catchers. Fitzgerald and Colston are both Top 5 receivers, and when Quan isn't contract-bitching, he's eating the afterbirth of virgins for breakfast. Throw in Lance Moore, Steve Breaston, etc. and these guys have 3rd-string wideouts who'd start for Team #12 on our list.
  

And finally

• Both teams have a goddamn sieve for a defense.
  

And there's the rub, the Achilles heel, the chink in the armor, the discolored growth on the shaft of the Cardinals and Saints that could (and likely will) prevent them from doing any serious ass-pounding this season. Both units allowed an average of over 3 touchdowns + a FG per game, which is pretty damn shameful. Sure, they each force a fair amount of turnovers, which has to be a gameplan derived from the acceptance of their own inability to tackle, shed blocks, read plays and cover people. To their credit, Payton and Whisenhunt seem only half-heartedly concerned with their defensive ineptitude. They adhere to the same coaching philosophy as our boy Fischer uses on NCAA Football 2010:

Who gives a shit about defense if I score every time I get the ball?

Valid point in video games. Flat-out ReTaHded in the NFL.

Considering the Shartinals Super Bowl run (and decimation of Philly and Carolina in the playoffs), one would think they actually had a good defense last year. Until I let you in on the fact that 'Zona was one of 5 teams to allow over 400 points to opponent's last year.

Sidebar: Detroit allowed over 5OO POINTS last year.

What the Cardinals do have going in their favor (and that which differentiates them from the Taints) is that they at least have the TALENT pool on defense to make an impact. Adrian Wilson is probably the hardest-hitting safety in the league, grossly underrated and one of my favorite players. But if your safety is your leading tackler, even Jables could tell you you're in trouble. If he ever tears himself from the Skeeball court, that is. Dansby, Dockett, DRC and others provide a balltickle of an allusion of a defense that can, at the very least, provide the offense a breather every few possessions; perhaps even contribute in a positive manner to the team as a whole.

Meanwhile, NOLA's defense has...um...

/checks Depth Chart

...Jesus. Not a live soul to be found. These guys are fucked.

The only other difference I can find between these teams is in the cities they hail from.

One is an American cultural Mecca; the home of beautiful jazz and blues musicians, orgasm-inducing Cajun and soul food, the greatest ethnic smorgasbord in the country and the mouth of the the mighty Mississippi River.

The other is Phoenix.

Laces out.

Worst to First #15

The pre-season has begun and our collective semi-bone is creating a bulge that neither sandbags nor concrete dam could prevent from exploding in less than a month's time. With that said, allow us to stroke the fire, so to speak, and preview all 32 teams. Beginning with who we think will suck the most, and ending with who we think will suck the best.

What you getting at with book-script-shit? Spit that shit out, b. Lee!


Call Me Kitty Kat


A small debate was just waged as to how we were going to handle the next few squadrons. Where do we place the Super Bowl runner-up AZ Cardinals? Are they better than the Saints? Do we award points simply due to their accomplishments in the post-season? Can we forget about that beatdown they received at the hands on non-playoff teams like the Jets and Pats? Are they better than the Saints? How about the Panthers?

Heading into the playoffs, the Panthers had to be one of the most feared teams in the NFC. They were packing arguably the best rushing game in all of football, and they had just taken the Giants into overtime in December, on the road, as a warm weather club. With a bye in their pocket and a supposedly soft Cardinals squad heading to the East Coast, there was no doubt that the Panthers were destined for, at worst, a trip to the NFC title game, in what would have been yet another home game.

But, it wasn't the Cardinals that strolled into town on that cold December night. Instead it was a team that had morphed into the nickname belovedly attached to them by the Blogfather himself; The Buzzsaw. The Kitties were embarrassed and the Cardinals rolled, leaving the favored home team in a tangled heap of broken dreams, then materialized in the form of a pulpy matter which only the strongest of woodshop machinery could produce (see photo above).

And it is for this very reason why we cannot rank the Panthros above the Redbirds.

The main reason for the Panthers fall from grace, aside from Gumbo's penchant for meltdowns, is that their defense is downright mediocre. We give Black Peppers a lot of attention and for good reason, but it looks as if his individual sack stats are not necessarily translating into real gains for the Cougar defense. Beason should be getting most of the attention, but he is going to need some serious help to improve on these numbers: 16th ranked passing defense, 20th ranked rushing defense. Does not really scream Stingy D. And when you are already allowing 20 points a game, a Po' Boy pickfest certainly doesn't help your cause.

Another sticking point is Coach John Fox. After last year's poor guidance during the Divisional Disaster (Why abandon the run? Your QB is wholeheartedly manufacturing points for the opposing team. Give the ball to Deangelo and block for him!), it is time to look at the man's track record. Since he took office in 2002, the Panthers year by year records are as follows:

2008: 12-4
2007: 7-9
2006: 8-8
2005: 11-5
2004: 7-9
2003: 11-5
2002: 7-9

After every above average year, this team seems to fall back to earth in the most unsatisfying way possible, hovering around the .500 mark while Delhomme nurses his jambalabia and various cornerbacks recover after being assaulted by pocket-sized receivers. One has to wonder what blame the coach needs to accept for this lack of consistency. And by what blame, I mean like, a lot or, all.

Yet, as long as Dumb like a Fox keeps his master play-calling on the sidelines (so to speak), and keeps the ball in the hands of D Will, J. Stew, and the like, then it will open the field up for Scuba Steve late in the game, for some backbreaking scoring, and keep the Panthros competitive in a potentially solid division, where offense is going to be a team's best defense.

In the end, perhaps the biggest question facing Carolina prior to this season is what are the 2009 Panthers built for; speed or comfort? Because that could make all the difference in the world.

Worst to First #17

The pre-season has begun and our collective semi-bone is creating a bulge that neither sandbags nor concrete dam could prevent from exploding in less than a month's time. With that said, allow us to stroke the fire, so to speak, and preview all 32 teams. Beginning with who we think will suck the most, and ending with who we think will suck the best.

What sayeth The Deuce?

The Kubiak Killaz

What do you do with a team that is neither good nor bad, not quite a sleeper but not quite a contender, has talented players but is stuck in a stacked division and is destined to finish 8-8 (give or take a game)? You go bullet points, that's what!

• Mario Williams was, is, and forever will be better at football, driving, life and not-dating-chicks-in-viral-porn-videos-with-other-dudes than Reggie Bush.
• Matt Schaub is made of Balsa wood.
• The offense, with or without SchaubLob, will be great (seriously, like really great) behind the versatile AC Slaton, a great 3rd down TE, and two recievers in White Walter and Andre the Giant who can BOTH stretch the field AND make tough possession catches.
• The defense will be somewhere between average and....average. A solid pass rush (Mario/Okoye and new addition Antonio Smith), a few athletic LB's (led by DeMeco), but as a unit they won't be able to lock down any high-octane offenses due to youth and a pissy defensive backfield.
• On second thought, Andre Johnson gets his own bullet. He's that damn good. Big, fast, athletic. Can run after the catch, and double-handedly demoralize a defensive gameplan before it starts. He's a Man, he's forty.
• If they played anywhere but in the roach-infested rainhole known as Houston, I might give more than a shit.
• If they played in the NFC West, they'd win the division.

Your 2009 Houston Texans. Enjoy the nuclear winter.

Worst to First #19

The pre-season has begun and our collective semi-bone is creating a bulge that neither sandbags nor concrete dam could prevent from exploding in less than a month's time. With that said, allow us to stroke the fire, so to speak, and preview all 32 teams. Beginning with who we think will suck the most, and ending with who we think will suck the best.

Give us some 'o dat non-sequential supermagic, Deuce.


Pant-y Droppers



Oh beautiful irony. The only people who didn't pitch tent just now? Any San Francisco 49er's fans (because they're gay by virture of living in "the Bay") and b. Lee (because he finds thongs on a woman "tasteless, gross and lacking in functionality." Also he's gay too).

Don't ever say your Uncle Deuce isn't a man for the masses. There were dozens of pictures of pimply, wrinkly, hairy and otherwise very non-aesthetically pleasing asses that I found in my Google image search for "mooning". I could have chosen any one of them to commemorate one of the greatest half-time speeches in NFL History, but it's Monday and you're welcome.

Welcome to this year's Houston Texans. The 49ers are this season's So-Sleepy-They-Aren't-A-Real-Sleeper-Anymore team. I usually try to stay tempered on teams like this, since they are so consistently overrated and underachieving, usually due to a strong finish in the previous season against teams either too shitty or too excellent to play hard. But...I believe in these guys, this year and starts with the Bossman. Singletary certainly had his share of ups & downs last year when his stubborn, stonewalling, calling-you-out, speak-then-think, tough-guy tactics resembled that of a JV high school coach. Baby Josh McD has taken a similar approach in Denver, and check how that's working out.

disclaimer: Chicago bias emerging...

So what makes Singletary any different than McDaniels? The man's got the resume and experience, and the scars and the limps, to back up his words and actions. His HOF playing career and overall respectful-unless-we're-between-the-stripes attitude towards the sport allows his players the tutelage of a guy who is walking proof that HIS way works, as long as everyone falls in line. Rather than a geeky videographer who sucked the right dicks to climb the corporate ladder to a position where he can swing his own dick around like the world's smallest sledgehammer, if you will.

So the 2009 Niners will be nothing if not a reflection of their coach: certainly tough and hopefully as football-savvy as old Iron Mike. Despite their bottom-half ranking, I see them playing a lot of close games thanks to their defense, which should put them in position to win games they shouldn't, which should leave them close enough to the playoffs come January to not be considered total failures. Unlike The '04-'05 Baltimore Ravens, there aren't enough big-play guys and scoring threats on D to be considered "contenders." But they'll be good, and never an easy win. Though the team has holes, make no mistake about that...

Such as a completely one-dimensional offense without a QB or WR on the roster that would start for any other team. And a biologically-constructed TE who apparently can't run routes or catch passes. And a baseball field to play on.

But.

Patrick Willis (who can probably now safely remove the "young" from his Best Young Linebacker moniker), Manny Lawson, Justin Smith and Co. will headline a defense created in the image and likeness of Singletary. Which is one most teams certainly won't be excited to face. Especially Willis. Homeboy was already dynamic, and now he gets some tutoring from one of the most intelligent, feared and technically-sound defenders of the last 50 years. So consider yourself on notice for the P-Williz Rampage about to chew up and spit out a Slant route near you. A little bit of help and progress from the secondary, and the unit could sniff "elite" status this year, in my opinion.

Despite the glaring lack of any passing threat, I love San Fran's transparency about their offense. Singletary's Niners are going to run the shit out of the ball with Frank Gore until he's tired. Then, they're going to run the shit out of the ball with Glenn Coffee and Michael Robinson until Gore has sucked enough wind. Then, More Gore. And they don't give a SHIT if you know it. This is why I like Singletary. He's got no illusions of beating a defense with reactive play-calling and audibles. He knows what his players can do well, and he's determined to do that well enough to out-execute and out-pound whatever and whoever lines up on the other side. It's a philosophy that breeds confidence in athletes and pride in a system.

One might almost call it blue-collar. Or in other words, totally unsymbolic of every smug, self-righteous, insufferable douchebag who lives in their city.

WE MUST PROTECT THIS HOUSE!